Empty relationship

[ConfusedLittle]

Hey. I've been with my bf for 2 years. He's 33, I'm 22. We've been living together since a year and a half - or so - ago.

We've been firstly working together for a couple of months, at a tattoo shop. We felt attracted to each other instantly, but didn't rush things. From my point of view - if the chemistry faded, we shouldn't have been together. (don't sh*t where you eat...) But it didn't... He insisted. I wasn't feeling very good psychologically and emotionally. My parents are divorcing, my father is forgetting about us, my mum is getting crazy, my big brother after which I cared was violent, both physically and verbally... he stole from me, beat me weekly and we argued every single day. Plus, at the tattoo shop I firstly was an apprentice, the apprentice of an obsessed man that made my life a living hell. But that was an already closed chapter.

I told him about my situation. I told him that I need emotional support, but I want to get better, and I trust him that he can help me and that I can help him (he was a little depressive as well) and we'll build our perfect life together.

It wasn't bad at all at first, we went out, we started to know each other intimately. We worked together, so we always had that to share. We shared the same taste in music, sports, movies. We spent time together, but not deep quality time. I felt as I wasn't listened to. But I said - hey- maybe it's just ego-centrism, my inner drama queen needing attention. We moved together because he already was asking me often to sleep at his place, and I started being there more than at mine's. I moved with him, I escaped my brother's emotional hell and started being a ... wife.

I needed love and support.

And I didn't get it. I was expecting something from him, which I didn't get, and that made me feel even more unworthy and miserable... Then I started hated him, or his indifference. I was crying non-stop and he was having no reaction. If he asked me what is wrong, I would either tell him that nothing in my life makes me happy - and that hurt him -, either that I feel that he doesn't express enough love - and he kept saying that he can't offer more, and that knowing that his love isn't enough hurt him. Then, in time, I came to hide myself, in order to not be seen crying. I sat alone in corners, on the balcony, in the kitchen, under the table or locked in the bathroom and waited for my crises to fade.
I left my few friends friends because they were guys and he didn't feel comfortable having me going out with them.
I felt more and more alone, more and more isolated and I felt that I have no one to talk to. I still feel this way.
I'm not having any more episodes, I don't see or hear [imaginary] stuff anymore and I don't hit myself. I can control myself not to cry... almost always. I did this myself. He didn't help me in any way... directly. He reminded me that it's my job to help myself and no one else can do it.

But he didn't show more interest in me, didn't ask about my day, didn't talk about our dreams, our ideas, our future plans, didn't listen to me as I was talking about stuff I was passionate about...

We worked together about half a year. I was unemployed for a while, was feeling pretty down as I couldn't find a job in my field, programming. But then I got a job and I got a little better. We had again things to talk about, I told him about my job, my coworkers, my projects... After a while he became bored of these stories. Then I left my job to get my degree, I couldn't finish my paper in time, I got depressed again... Whole summer I've spent it inside. And I didn't work, I didn't learn, I just browsed thoughtlessly the internet, slept, smoked, wait for the days to pass. In the last few weeks before the next final exam session, I went home, after I broke down talking with my father on the phone. I went home and stayed at my father's place while he went in vacation and wrote my thesis. In those three weeks I purged myself from the emotions I felt with my BF. I loved myself, took care of me, ate properly, learned. I went out with old and new friends and enjoyed my time. I finished my thesis, I came back, I took the exam, I got my degree, then another exam. I started studying for the Master's Degree.

I love what I do at school and that keeps me happy and heals me. My colleagues are great, my professors also, the curriculum even more. I started socializing again. Started volunteering. My life is getting fuller and fuller, my heart also. I started going out again, even with guy friends. Because it seems that they are more open and they seem to constitute the majority of my friends and - hey - IT engineers are mostly men - who thought?
But we are still silent. We have less sex and I almost never get off anymore.
It doesn't seem to bother him anyway.

He keeps saying he loves me, but he doesn't show it in any way. We don't go out unless I take him out (last few weeks: a concert, a drama show at the theater) or his friends invite both of us over.

I don't know what to do. Firstly, I love him. He loves me. We live together. I don't want to live with my brother again and my parents can't afford now another place. My mom kinda hates me [saying that I'm on my father's side and want to hurt her; last time she said I'm not welcomed home anymore], my dad wants to start a new family. I don't want to find a job right now, because I'm involved in a research project, I'm volunteering, learning etc... So I can't get somewhere else to stay (or somewhere better...).
I feel trapped.

But I don't want to leave this cage either. I'm not even sure if it is a cage or if I constructed it myself in my head.


My question is...

How do I get him to love openly? How do I get him to express himself? I see him being more loving with his mates than with me, With his cat... I have to do something to regain his love, his desire to be with me...?

I tired him with my depression, I can see that, but can't he see how I've changed and continue to change in the same direction with me? I feel as we live our lives very separately and we only share the same bed. Not even the same blanket.

The last three days we made eye contact cumulative for two minutes.

[hazey daisy]

This relationship was never working for you, he doesn't fulfill your expectations, you can't make him love you better, nor will he ever improve. Never ever let a relationship or a man defy who you are. The healthiest thing to do is leave him. You need to stop yourself from slipping back into that black hole of depression again. Time to put your big girl panties on and take responsibility for your life. You have caring friends, ask them to let you sleep on their couch for a few months until you get financially on your feet. NO EXCUSES, GET A JOB.

Get counseling. You are going to uni/college, they have free counseling services, make an appointment. You need to work though the abuse issues you had with your brother, and the strained relationship you have with your mother. You really really need to address this or you will never have any self worth/self esteem. This will help you avoid being involved in or dependent on loveless/problematic relationships.

[ConfusedLittle]

I had an episode. I've knocked down his bicycle and broke its gear. He noticed it. (I didn't) I apologized. I asked the type he needed so I can buy him a new one.
He only said "That doesn't matter,*ConfusedLittle*, that's not what matters.". Then silence.

We just ignored each other the last few days. We continued it now also.

****. I know I ****ed up. Everything's ****ed up.

I'm sorry, but I can't work... I really can't do that right now... I'm thinking that I may get an actual job in the research project I'm just starting working on... But it'll take time. And I need a little time also.

[careyon]

It doesn't sound as though the relationship is healthy for you. You seem to have a lot going on in your life between boyfriend, family and school. But, you seem to be at your best when you focus on yourself. Since you're not married, don't have kids and your family are all grown ups, you have every right to spend some time focusing on yourself and things that make you happy and sane. I'm not sure where you stand spiritually, but I would suggest you pray for guidance, peace and love I will pray for you also.