Heartbroken after sudden breakup - really need advice

[kelly90]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to seek some advice/guidance on how to handle recent and very painful break up. Long story short: I was dating a guy for about 8 months and everything was going amazingly well. Without meaning to sound corny, it was one of those 'one in a million' connections you get with someone where you instantly click with them and have tonnes in common. This is the first guy I've ever had a deep and meaningful connection with - everything was perfectly in sync, e.g. same sense of humour, same temperament, interests and outlooks on life etc. We grew amazingly close and a few weeks ago had "the talk" whilst on a short break abroad. We both admitted that we had never felt the same way about another person as we'd felt for one another, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. That night was beyond incredible. We both admitted that we were in love with one another and started making plans for next year. Prior to going away he introduced me to his family and close circle of friends. Fast forward two weeks later, and as our trip drew to a close and he started acting weird. Basically he went completely quiet on me one evening, and when I asked him what was wrong he said it was nothing and that he was just tired. Then, a few hours later, he admitted it was because of something really trivial ("when we went to the supermarket earlier, you didn't offer to buy food for my friends to cook tonight, after they cooked for us yesterday"). Slightly taken aback by this, I got a bit peeved and told him he was being ridiculous and that he should have told me at the time as I'm not a mind-reader! Then, the following day, after us making plans to book an Airbnb for the next week, he suddenly announced that it would be best for me to go home as he needed space to "figure things out" career-wise. I was understandably shocked by this, but after trying to reason with him, there was no getting through to him. I eventually agreed in order to avoid inflaming the situation. Then later that evening he did another u-turn...he said it wasn't fair to expect me to go home on my own, and said he would come with me, offering to pay for both our flights the following day.

That following day everything went back to normal. He was back to his cheery self, making jokes and showering me with affection. On the flight home, he was amazingly affectionate and told me he was an idiot for even thinking about asking me to go home. As he dropped me off home, he said he loved me and couldn't wait for our "next adventure together".

So later that night I texted him to say I hope he got home safely but heard nothing the whole of the next day. I then opened my inbox to find an email from him saying that he wanted space and that I shouldn't contact him for the time being while he tries to "figure my life out". He explained that he's been suffering from low self-esteem issues because as he's trying to make it as a freelancer and is worried he will fail in his new career before he even begins. I responded by asking what this meant for us, to which he replied, in two simple sentences "I'm so sorry. I don't see a future in our relationship. I hope that one day we can be friends."

Just to give you a brief background re his career stuff. His last work contract ended a couple of months ago and since then he's been trying to figure out what to do with his life. I'm sort of in the same boat as I was made redundant not so long ago, but I guess I'm dealing with it in a more healthy way than him - i.e. not shutting out my loved ones. I asked one of his friends about the situation and their response was "This is his way of dealing with things - ie. shutting people out". As someone who has also suffers from low confidence, I understand getting distance/alone time from people is his way of dealing with things, but why did he have to do it in such a hurtful manner?

Since receiving the email two weeks ago, I've been in a state of complete shock, confusion and anger. I just don't understand how someone can go from treating you like the centre of their universe one day to shutting you out completely the next. I'm also angry because this guy led me to believe that this was the real deal, he build up my hopes by making all these plans for our future. I know he's been feeling confused and lost since finishing his last full time job, and I told him pre the break up that I would give him all the space he needed while he figured stuff out. I've respected his wish for no contact and have heard absolutely nothing from him since that email. He's been contracted to do some work for one company until the end of this year, so I'm just leaving him to get on with it. But part of me feels like I deserve an explanation face-to-face. What he did was unbelievably cold and I have so many questions that need to be answered. I'm so angry because I gave eight months of my life to this guy, during which I've been nothing but loving and supportive towards him and his career plans. What also makes it worse is that he's had one long-term relationship where the girl basically froze him out and treated him like ****. This had a pretty bad effect to his self-esteem, and he even led him to seek therapy as a result. Why he would want to inflict that same pain onto someone else is beyond me.

My plan is to contact him in the new year, once all his work stuff is over with, and ask him to meet up.

So, I guess my questions to you are 1) What is the best way to approach the situation re asking him to meet up? 2) Do you think he feels even an ounce of remorse/guilt for what he's done? 3) Do you think there is any hope of salvaging this relationship once he has figured out his career plans?

Part of me hates him for what he's done but another part of me is holding on to the hope that he will see what a good thing he is throwing away, once he's had headspace and worked on his issues. I've literally never felt heartbreak until this relationship. This is the first guy I've had a deep and meaningful connection with, and I know our relationship could have so much potential if he could just give it a chance. I'm prepared to give him as much space and distance as he needs. At the same time am being realistic and not getting my hopes up.

Any advice you can give will be much appreciated. Thanks!

[Markdg61]

Hi Kelly, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I believe all of us in this forum are feeling or has felt the same including myself and you should take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one going through this.

My breakup happened several months ago with no chance of reconciliation. The bitch married someone else..

I was in a relationship very similar to yours. Within a very short time of meeting this woman, we both fell completely and hopelessly in love with each other. I can understand your anger because one day she pulled the rug out from under me and broke up over a text, cut off all communication and to this day, I'm still feeling a little down. Not as bad as when it happened. I came to the conclusion that she was very insecure.

It helps me to read the stories of others and to offer advice when I can and I will do my best with you.

It seems as if your ex has some deep-seated emotional problems. You're right in saying, why shut out the people you love because you're going through some rough times. One should lean more heavily on their loved ones for support.

You should ask yourself, would you really want him back in fear of doing this to you again?

It is not a bad idea to contact him and if you hear nothing, at least you'll know where he stands. If he's open to taking you back, I would go back only if he seeks some kind of therapy.

I do hope things get better for you. If you hear nothing from him, just keep your head up, stay strong, just know that one day the pain will go away and you will be happy again.

Good luck Kelly. I wish you the best.

[frenchybuns]

Hey, i know exactly how you're feeling right now. I cant describe the friendship/ love i had with my ex... it was perfect for 2 years. he promisedme all the same things your guy did, and then suddenly cut me out.. as if i meant nothing. indont think i will ever get a solid answer from him... just know you are not alone. its gonna hurt for a while. im 2 mo tha into healing and it still hurts so bad . good luck to you