What I fear is my impending break up (warning: long post)

[margot732]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on LoveForum and I'm sad that the topic is my probable impending break up with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. He is 40 and I'm 38.
He is Australian, divorced with 1 young daughter who lives with her mother in Australia. From the beginning it has been a great relationship on every level: intellectually, emotionally and sexually. We spend every weekend together and talk to each other on the phone every Wednesday to catch up and make plans for the weekend. We have our separate lives and we respect each other's privacy. And when we are together, we have fun, laugh a lot together, give each other afffection, support and understanding generously and unselfishly. And the sex is fantastic. We are each very giving and passionate lovers and we can't keep our hands off each other.

So, everything between us has been beautiful and smooth for 2 months. Then a potential disaster struck a week ago. Last Friday night I spoke with him on the phone and he dropped a bombshell on me that I never saw coming. He told me that a while ago (he didn't say how long ago) he met a woman in Australia with whom he had a serious relationship. It got so serious in fact that he proposed marriage to her. She is divorced with 2 kids of her own. The woman rejected his marriage proposal and he moved on with his life. A week ago, he received an e-mail from this woman in which she said that she wanted to restart their relationship. I don't know if she reconsidered his proposal and now wants to marry him, but the bottom line is that he is in emotional turmoil because he doesn't know what to do. He said that he has a wonderful thing going with me, but he has a history with this other woman and was, and perhaps still is, in love with her. I listened to him very carefully and didn't interrupt him. I could hear the anguish in his voice, so I know that this is weighing heavily on his mind because he cares for me and I make him happy -- he told me so and I believe him. I told him too about the tremendous happiness he has given me and that I'm here if he ever needs me. He said that he needs time to think this issue through and figure out what to do and then he will contact me with his decision.
I encouraged him to take the time he needs.

As you can imagine, my heart is broken -- in tatters really -- because I never thought a woman from his past would threaten our relationship. I was ignorant not to consider that he had relationship baggage -- most people do But it's only 2 months since we met, and something as touchy as past relationships was a topic we hadn't broached yet. My first thought after our phone conversation ended was that I've lost him to this other woman because he has a longer history with her that with me and he loved/loves her. My family reminded me over and over again that my relationship with him is not over. He may very well decide that he doesn't feel as deeply for this Australian woman as he did in the past and that I'm more important to his life because I make him happy and, unlike this other woman, I have no baggage and am here in New Jersey. So my family forbid me from talking about our relationship in the past tense because it's a negative thinking pattern that may prove untrue and will only deepen my pain. They also reminded me that it's better for him to have told me about this issue now, instead of 6 months or a year from now when we could have been more deeply involved. They also told me that if he decides to break up with me, that however deep the pain is, that I have learned a great deal from the relationship, I have a clearer idea of what I truly want in a man and that I've lost none of my allure. Also, that there are other men out there who are just as good as my bf, and quite possibly better than him I attracted him, I can attract other great guys too. There is hope.

But right now I'm in shock, despair, angry and my heart is bleeding. I pray that my bf will come back to me because our relationship is so beautiful, incident-free (until now), and we're make each other happy sexually, emotionally and intellectually. I missed being with him terribly this past weekend. Our chemistry is deep and real.

Of course I'm dying to ask him questions about this woman if we break up, and I'm going to put several questions to him: when did they meet? when did he propose marriage? does she live in Australia? is she an Aussie citizen? And isn't it weird that this woman decides to come back into his life by sending him an e-mail? He's in the phone book and surely calling him about such a life-altering thing would have been much more appropriate? Why did she e-mail him? Very peculiar... I can't help but question her motives.

So, that's where things stand now. My bf promised that he would call me when he's made a decision about what to do. I'll give him the time and space he needs. One thing I know for sure: I have been a fabulous girlfriend and I'm not at fault for any of this. This is HIS issue. Thank God I had my family and friends to get me through this weekend and in the days/weeks ahead. They gave me the unconditional love, support and good advice I desperately needed.

So, folks, this is my crisis/psychodrama in what I thought was an ideal relationship. I knew we were going to hit bumps in the road, but nothing like this. I would genuinely value your feedback and advice on how to handle this painful situation.

Thanks!

[Tone]

Aww that's just no fun. =/

margot listen to your family, I was going to point out the exact same thing:

They also reminded me that it's better for him to have told me about this issue now, instead of 6 months or a year from now when we could have been more deeply involved.

And even though it's impossible not to, try to not worry and stress, because there is really nothing you can do about it, it's his decision to make, you just have to be prepared for the worse.

Whatever he decides is what is meant to be. So just be tough for us and know that everything will work itself out in one way or another... let us know what happens and best of luck!

[TAVS]

Don't fear the break up, Embrace the new relationship(s) in your future.

[margot732]

Hi Tone & Tavs,

Thanks for the support and good advice. The worst part, as you know, is the waiting game. But I'm trying to keep myself distracted and spend time with friends/family. Knowing my bf's character, he probably will keep his promise to call when his decision has been reached. But if I don't hear from him by the end of next week, I'll give him a friendly call just to check in, see how he's doing and let him know that I'm thinking about him. And if he decides to break up, I'm going to insist that we have a face to face meeting at his place or mine for the sake of closure. It'll give me the chance to ask him valid questions about the other woman and tell him how happy I've been with him. I may cry, but I won't be bitter or vindictive. That would only make the situation worse for both of us.

[Tone]

Aww you're so sweet... I know this decision has to be drivin him crazy...

Be tough for us, margot!!

[TAVS]

The waiting game is the worst!!! I've been dumped twice in my history, and both times were strung out and oh so stressful. On the brigher side, when it's over, you'll be so sick and tired of the stress and pain, you'll be ready to move on and you'll be greatful to have the weight off your shoulders.