Dating someone with a child???

[blackiesharley]

Blackie, looks like you get it.

Thanks, I think so. Amazingly at this age and with all my relationship adventures over the years, I've never been involved with anyone with kids.

It's different, but I like it. And I appreciate the advice I received on the subject from the folks here when I started my thread a few days ago. Good insight.

[sweetkiss4one]

I know that with my brothers... both of them got involved with women with children and it didn't work out for them in ways. My younger brother got attached to the kids and then not long after they got married, she started cheating on him with the ex ( the kids dad). Then the older one got married and the girl started to cheat on him and she became pregnant... she told him that the kid was his and then we found out it wasn't.

I'm not saying this will happen to you! Just thought I'd let you know about these experiences that my brothers went through. Good luck and I hope everything works out great for you!!!

[blackiesharley]

Second, I will discipline my own children as my wife and I see fit, and that would be a major conflict amongst the kids.

She is a great person, and a wonderful women, and I could see her as my wife, but I am just not seeing anything but problems here.

Thanks for all the insight.

Point one- Discipline. Tough call I was faced with a few weeks ago. At the beach, the kid was swimming out kinda far from the shore (under his Mom's very watchful eye) high tide was coming in and I said 'I'm gonna swim out and get him' to which she agreed. He didn't want to come in. He was being a brat. What was I to do? Drag him to the beach? I didn't know if I had that right. Luckly, 'mom' swims out and takes control. Be prepared for these types of judgement calls.

Point two - Problems. Try not to look for problems, just be aware of potential solutions if they should occur. You obviously care enough about this woman to consider marrying her, I think that you should basically just talk to her about it and say 'Look honey, this is uncharted waters for me. I love you, I want to be with you, but I'm gonna make some mistakes in this area. Please understand when I do, know that I have the best interests of you and your son at heart and work though it with me.'

That's kinda what I'm planning on doing.

[Rosebud]

I think you have a good insight on how you feel and I agree that you should just be up front with her and tell her at times you may need her help in things since you have never been down this road before.

In a previous statement I made I said concentrate on you and her and I think that I may have mis-communicated. What I meant to say was you should be sure this is a person you could get serious with and to really think about that. I have been down this road a couple times and it's not easy to do but I hope it works out for you.

[JohnsonROd]

Been there done that.

I couldn't raise someone else's kid in the long run.

Can you?

[Bluevetteracer]

Been there done that.

I couldn't raise someone else's kid in the long run.

Can you?

Well, I am going to find out. You sound just like me after an experiance.

[shh!]

It is only because she makes the effort, that he has an interest.

Here are my concerns. I am not going to ever cater to him this way. If I married her, I would want more children. So, I am not going to incontinence my entire family for him. If he wants to be a part of the Childs life, then he can make the effort. If I were this other guy, I would climb Everest to be with my child, or near them. I would buy a house across the street from mom if I had to, flip burgers, whatever it took. .

I am glad she makes the effort. It is in the child(ren)s best interest to stay connected to their father, unless he is a drug addict or physically abusive. I am assuming she isn't very old, and dad isn't either. It could be that he will mature into acting like a responsible father; he wouldn't be the first man who started out this way, and as I said, the older he gets, the more likely it is he will seek a connection to his children.

Second, I will discipline my own children as my wife and I see fit, and that would be a major conflict amongst the kids. .

Her child will not BE your child to discipline, and frankly, you sound pretty rigid. How will it be when there is a difference in the way children being raised in the same house are disciplined? Do you really think the kids react well to that? Do you think this child will react well to someone who is not their father disciplining him/her?

Mom should make me #1, as any couple should make each other #1. Does not mean she should neglect her child, but this is how it works in a normal family. In a normal family, child would not get all of mom's attention. .

Seriously, if you feel this way, I'd be REALLY careful. Mom's priority should be to protect and care for her young, and step-families are NOT normal families. Do you really intend to compete with a child for his mommy's attention? (And just so you know, in "normal" families, dads are also put on the back burner when children are born.)

Really, Bluevette, what is in YOUR best interest is very likely NOT what is in THEIR best interest...

[JohnsonROd]

HOw old are you Blue?

[singularity2006]

Looking at these types of relationships, I recommend you get to know the kids before you know the mother. It is amazing what kind of person you will see when you look at the kids. You understand so much more about the person you are going to be involved with and also ... mind you that there may come a time where you will want children of your own. Be sure that you are ready to treat her kids as if they are your own. If you have any doubts, be careful. Coming from a very traditional Asian background, I can tell you that this kind of thing is looked down upon and generally does not occur. Though I can also tell you that the paradigm is totally different from westernized culture. Asian women are generally quite dedicated to the man they are with and will never re-marry after a divorce. Though in most cases, divorces do not happen. Women will generally stick with their men regardless of how bad it is in hopes of saving face for both families. That's a really tough way of living but if you are not in that situation, more power to you. That's just my input from my cultural background.

[Bluevetteracer]

Her child will not BE your child to discipline, and frankly, you sound pretty rigid. How will it be when there is a difference in the way children being raised in the same house are disciplined? Do you really think the kids react well to that? Do you think this child will react well to someone who is not their father disciplining him/her?

SHHH, You are taking the context wrong. The point was, if we got married, her son comes along, AND THEN we have 2 more children. MY ACTUAL OFFSPRING. THIS is where the discipline issue would arise. As you say, I have no say over her child, but I am sure as heck not going to let my kids run unbridled.

You sound pretty rigid.

Well, if you apply discipline with spanking and hitting, then I guess I am. I use the word discipline to describe guidance, and a way to form a moral compass and build structure. If my children are doing poorly in school, the discipline would be no TV and more study time. Discipline is used to describe your dedication as well. I am disciplined about going to the gym. I go every day. So now that you have the context, maybe that will help. And compared to most on this board, I may be rigid. If my dad caught me with pot he would have thrown me out of the house and had me arrested and sent away. Sounds harsh, but I am a fighter pilot today, and people with drug histories are not trusted with 50 million dollar toys. I thank him every time I light the AB.

My mother always made my father #1. And from this my sister and I realized that we had a good family unit.

I don't buy any back burner crap. I am not some slave mule to a women that wants to have kids, forget about me, and focus on the kids. This is not a family. Love starts with mom and dad, and radiates to the children. When mom and dad are confident, secure, and strong, the kids will be as well.

[Bluevetteracer]

HOw old are you Blue?

29.............

[Bluevetteracer]

Looking at these types of relationships, I recommend you get to know the kids before you know the mother. It is amazing what kind of person you will see when you look at the kids. You understand so much more about the person you are going to be involved with and also ... mind you that there may come a time where you will want children of your own. Be sure that you are ready to treat her kids as if they are your own. If you have any doubts, be careful. Coming from a very traditional Asian background, I can tell you that this kind of thing is looked down upon and generally does not occur. Though I can also tell you that the paradigm is totally different from westernized culture. Asian women are generally quite dedicated to the man they are with and will never re-marry after a divorce. Though in most cases, divorces do not happen. Women will generally stick with their men regardless of how bad it is in hopes of saving face for both families. That's a really tough way of living but if you are not in that situation, more power to you. That's just my input from my cultural background.

Thanks for the insight. I did a tour in Korea, and yes, very different. Americans tend to run at the first sign of problems.

After reading some of these posts, I am appalled at most. "I don't find him attractive anymore, I want a divorce".

If my wife was a burn victim in a wheel chair, she would still be the love of my life until the day I died. And if we could not make love, so be it. I would not insult what we were, or her by having to fulfill a "need". Again, DISCIPLINE. Life is not all about my comfort and my pleasure and my happiness.

You know what women are missing, finding a man with dedication, devotion, honor, class, respect, and the passion for you of a hundred men. But when you see us, we are "Old fashioned" "Not tolerant" "Homophobes" or what ever else people use to label us to try and degrade our integrity and justify theirs.

[bluesummer]

If you get into a relationship with a woman who has a child, you need to consider the child as much as the mother. If you enter this woman's life, you are going to have an impact on her child in one way or another......you may even become a 'father figure' to this child if the father isn't really around, whether you want that or not. If you aren't comfortable with playing that role in the child's life, you have no business being in such a relationship. It is confusing for a child to watch a parent go through relationship after relationship and have no 'constant' in their life.

[shh!]

SHHH, You are taking the context wrong. The point was, if we got married, her son comes along, AND THEN we have 2 more children. MY ACTUAL OFFSPRING. THIS is where the discipline issue would arise. As you say, I have no say over her child, but I am sure as heck not going to let my kids run unbridled..

I did not misunderstand your meaning, but you may have misunderstood mine. There will be issues about the differences in discipline styles if you discipline 2 of the kids while your wife disciplines the other. (However, you can't discipline the other one, because he isn't yours.) This conflict will breed resentment between the siblings. (Why does dad make me _________ when "Johnny" doesn't have to? Why is stepdad nicer to the other two kids than he is to me?) You will very likely be setting up a good guy/bad guy dynamic. Does that make sense? Basically, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

You sound pretty rigid.- Well, if you apply discipline with spanking and hitting, then I guess I am. I use the word discipline to describe guidance, and a way to form a moral compass and build structure. If my children are doing poorly in school, the discipline would be no TV and more study time. Discipline is used to describe your dedication as well. I am disciplined about going to the gym. I go every day. So now that you have the context, maybe that will help. And compared to most on this board, I may be rigid. If my dad caught me with pot he would have thrown me out of the house and had me arrested and sent away. Sounds harsh, but I am a fighter pilot today, and people with drug histories are not trusted with 50 million dollar toys. I thank him every time I light the AB..

I was not referring to physical discipline, although I am glad to see you didn't inlcude it in your style. Nonetheless, your personality seems very rigid, which although important for good military men, often inspires rebellion in children, and step-kids rebel exponentially more. Also, you would not be raising you, who may well have thrived under restrictive circumstances, but rather another human being whose personality is inherent and may not respond well to authoritative parenting.

My mother always made my father #1. And from this my sister and I realized that we had a good family unit. I don't buy any back burner crap. I am not some slave mule to a women that wants to have kids, forget about me, and focus on the kids. This is not a family. Love starts with mom and dad, and radiates to the children. When mom and dad are confident, secure, and strong, the kids will be as well.

All I can say is that I speak not only from my own experience, but also from what I have observed in virtually every marital relationship after a baby is born. Children NEED their mommies, while husbands merely WANT them. Need is obviously more important. Naturally, as the kids age, the priorities shift.

Perhaps what you witnessed with your parents was that your father never forced your mother to make a choice between himself and her children. Also, your father would not have been as resentful of not being "number 1" since your mother was busy caring for HIS children. Healthy families are made by parents committed to a common cause, not by parents who compete for attention with the children. (This is a very common problem with new parents, by the way, which is greatly intensified in step-relationships.)

I'm sure you are a swell guy, bluevette, and I am not trying to imply that you aren't. It's just that - as I said before - these situations are far more complex than most people can possibly imagine, and people are generally far less prepared to cowboy-up to the job than they think.

[Bluevetteracer]

I did not misunderstand your meaning, but you may have misunderstood mine. There will be issues about the differences in discipline styles if you discipline 2 of the kids while your wife disciplines the other. (However, you can't discipline the other one, because he isn't yours.) This conflict will breed resentment between the siblings. (Why does dad make me _________ when "Johnny" doesn't have to? Why is stepdad nicer to the other two kids than he is to me?) You will very likely be setting up a good guy/bad guy dynamic. Does that make sense? Basically, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.



I was not referring to physical discipline, although I am glad to see you didn't inlcude it in your style. Nonetheless, your personality seems very rigid, which although important for good military men, often inspires rebellion in children, and step-kids rebel exponentially more. Also, you would not be raising you, who may well have thrived under restrictive circumstances, but rather another human being whose personality is inherent and may not respond well to authoritative parenting.



All I can say is that I speak not only from my own experience, but also from what I have observed in virtually every marital relationship after a baby is born. Children NEED their mommies, while husbands merely WANT them. Need is obviously more important. Naturally, as the kids age, the priorities shift.

Perhaps what you witnessed with your parents was that your father never forced your mother to make a choice between himself and her children. Also, your father would not have been as resentful of not being "number 1" since your mother was busy caring for HIS children. Healthy families are made by parents committed to a common cause, not by parents who compete for attention with the children. (This is a very common problem with new parents, by the way, which is greatly intensified in step-relationships.)

I'm sure you are a swell guy, bluevette, and I am not trying to imply that you aren't. It's just that - as I said before - these situations are far more complex than most people can possibly imagine, and people are generally far less prepared to cowboy-up to the job than they think.

SHH, again, thanks for the insight, and well composed script.

I am more then willing to accept this child as my own, and even with my own children; I would not force my personal expectations on them. I know I will never be able to out shadow my fathers military career, but that is him, and he is proud as heck of me. We are each our own cat, and I accept that.

I am willing to step up to the plate and be parent to this child, but I need her and the other father to respect that as well. I cannot see it working if neither affords me the right to do that.

Here is the Dynamic I am looking at.

She does not want to marry the dad, ever, period; it was a one night stand deal so to speak.

Dad only shows an interest if it is made convenient for him. He is 33, and a professional, but lives the playboy life style, and is not showing any signs of changing that anytime soon. He could very well get a good lateral movement job here, and be by his son, but will not even entertain the idea.

Mom want to find a man to spend the rest of her life with, have more children.

SO, IMO mom deserves the afore mentioned. Her son deserves a quality home as well, and a male figure that will teach him how to build a bird house, and how to sight in a rifle. Dad is more then happy to play dad 2 days a month. His parents have driven here often for birthdays and holidays and have suggested she date and find a "nice man to marry". They question the responsibility of there son.

He does not want to be with her and she does not want to be with him. So if I were him, I would realize that she is going to marry someone, and she has full custody. So, he should be more then happy to have a decent guy around his child. And, actually work with each other to stay on the same page.

This is reaching I know, but everyone involved seems professional and rational on some level.