He's telling truth?

[Ash888]

Hi everyone,

I am 29yo female, with extremely no luck with dating. I was married with a guy who I was with for 5 years which ended 3 years ago and haven't been with anyone since.
I have dated few with quite an open mind, but seems like all the guys I dated just run away.
I try to make myself look nice, I am friendly, kind, like to have a laugh, not a bad looking, people ask me "why are you single?" I'm like "well, you tell me I really want to know why I am still single too."

I just got my heart broken with this guy, he's my boss. I knew him for about 7months, we used to work together at the same brunch and he moved. Back then we were just friends, he was with someone else and I never seen him in that way. Recently my brunch closed so I put transfer application to his brunch(with no intention at this point), and he messaged me asking if I am really keen to be transferred there. Then we caught up talking about work, this was the first time we had deeper conversation about our life, family, things outside work. I always had positive image of him and as we talked more I got attracted to him. We had drinks were both bit tipsy and we slept together.
We caught up few times, I thought everything is going smooth, but after I got transferred to his brunch, we still say hello and have little chat but he went bit cold/distanced than before, and I asked if he wanted to catch up then he told me, long story short, that he doesn't wanna be with anyone right now and he feels it's wrong to be with someone from workplace since he is the manager.
I kinda understand because he is the manager it is not professional to be dating with worker, but he knew that I would be working for him, he could've just not started altogether. And I feel "I don't want to be with anyone right now" is a lie, he's just telling me this to be nice. I have been told the same excuse over and over from other guys and moment later they are with someone else and that breaks my heart again.
I wanted to chat with him about it before I have to face him at work, just to talk it out and being okay with it, so I asked him if he could call me and he said he would that afernoon and he didn't. Few days later I messaged him saying it really upset me that you say you would call and you didn't, I also said that it is okay to tell me if there was no chemistry between us, not to make up excuse like he did, because that makes me have hope that if I wait there could be chance for me. He might as well tell me he's not interested in me then it is easier to get rid of this feeling, since I have to see him everyday at work. He replied saying sorry it was just super busy past few days and he couldn't pull enough time to discuss it with me, he has no intention to insult me or lack of consideration of my feeling. I said sorry I didn't know it was this busy, thanks for letting me know.
It's been more than a week now and he hasn't contacted me since, and I feel like I'm left hanging here with my feeling. I know it could be annoying but I just want him to tell me truth, either if he really doesn't wanna be with anyone right now, or not interested in me at all, or whatever the reason behind it.

I don't know what answer I'm looking for but general advice would be nice especially men's point of view.
Thank you for reading.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, here's is what I personally think regarding his "I was too busy" excuse for not calling you...... IF that were really true, then a quick text message, an e-mail, or whatever would have been nice just to let you know. That only takes a minute. To tell you he was going to call and then just flat out not do it is inconsiderate, rude, and just unacceptable.

It is similarly unacceptable that he is leading you on, which is exactly what I get the impression he is doing. The only thing I can say in his defense is at least he did try to let you down. He just tried to pull the let you down easy route that almost never works, and for exactly the reasons you explain. Telling somebody something like "I'm not ready for any relationship right now" gives them the false hope that saying you aren't ready "right now" means you will be ready soon and there could be hope for them then.

The truth is, probably about 999 times out of 1000, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" means "I'm not interested in you." Okay. Maybe 998 times out of 1000. One of the other times it means "I'm not ready for a relationship right now..... but I'm also not interested in you even when I am ready."

Believe me, I understand how you feel. And, I will say this.... he probably THOUGHT he was doing the right thing in letting you down easy.... but this is exactly why it is very much NOT the right thing. Because, here you are left wondering if there is still a chance if you just give him time. When, chances are he probably just isn't interested in dating you. You've even tried to talk to him so he can just come clean and tell you the truth.... but he just chooses to keep avoiding you.

So, at this point I would suggest you just assume he has no interest and move on. I mean, think of it like this.... Let's pretend for a moment that I am wrong and he was being 100% honest. He actually just isn't ready for a relationship right now, but otherwise could have maybe had interest in you. It certainly is possible. Highly unlikely, but possible. .... Well, even if that was the case.... honestly, why would you want to sit around waiting, putting your life on hold for somebody who may never decide they are "ready" to date you. Or, heck... you may wait around, he'll decide he's ready to get back into the dating world.... and he'll proceed to go dating somebody else and just forget about you completely.

You do not deserve to put your life on hold waiting for something that may never happen, and you certainly don't deserve the pain of waiting only to find out you've waited for nothing. So, for now just assume he has not interest. Move on and find somebody else. Heck.... if in time he changes his mind, that's fine. Let him come back to you, and then if you are still interested you could maybe consider giving him a second chance. But, don't wait around, don't try to convince him to give you a chance. If he can't see you are worth his time without you basically having to force him, then he doesn't deserve you in the first place.

Good luck to you.

[Ash888]

To be honest with you, here's is what I personally think regarding his "I was too busy" excuse for not calling you...... IF that were really true, then a quick text message, an e-mail, or whatever would have been nice just to let you know. That only takes a minute. To tell you he was going to call and then just flat out not do it is inconsiderate, rude, and just unacceptable.

It is similarly unacceptable that he is leading you on, which is exactly what I get the impression he is doing. The only thing I can say in his defense is at least he did try to let you down. He just tried to pull the let you down easy route that almost never works, and for exactly the reasons you explain. Telling somebody something like "I'm not ready for any relationship right now" gives them the false hope that saying you aren't ready "right now" means you will be ready soon and there could be hope for them then.

The truth is, probably about 999 times out of 1000, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" means "I'm not interested in you." Okay. Maybe 998 times out of 1000. One of the other times it means "I'm not ready for a relationship right now..... but I'm also not interested in you even when I am ready."

Believe me, I understand how you feel. And, I will say this.... he probably THOUGHT he was doing the right thing in letting you down easy.... but this is exactly why it is very much NOT the right thing. Because, here you are left wondering if there is still a chance if you just give him time. When, chances are he probably just isn't interested in dating you. You've even tried to talk to him so he can just come clean and tell you the truth.... but he just chooses to keep avoiding you.

So, at this point I would suggest you just assume he has no interest and move on. I mean, think of it like this.... Let's pretend for a moment that I am wrong and he was being 100% honest. He actually just isn't ready for a relationship right now, but otherwise could have maybe had interest in you. It certainly is possible. Highly unlikely, but possible. .... Well, even if that was the case.... honestly, why would you want to sit around waiting, putting your life on hold for somebody who may never decide they are "ready" to date you. Or, heck... you may wait around, he'll decide he's ready to get back into the dating world.... and he'll proceed to go dating somebody else and just forget about you completely.

You do not deserve to put your life on hold waiting for something that may never happen, and you certainly don't deserve the pain of waiting only to find out you've waited for nothing. So, for now just assume he has not interest. Move on and find somebody else. Heck.... if in time he changes his mind, that's fine. Let him come back to you, and then if you are still interested you could maybe consider giving him a second chance. But, don't wait around, don't try to convince him to give you a chance. If he can't see you are worth his time without you basically having to force him, then he doesn't deserve you in the first place.

Good luck to you.

Hi TheEvilJester,

Thank you for your comment.
I know in my head that there's not much hope, but it is hard to get this feeling off in a click. Now and then I feel better and not thinking about it, but then as we work together I see him at work, his name comes up in conversation, I see his post on FB and it makes me think about it and put me down.
When I asked him to call, I didn't receive reply for few hours and I thought he was busy so I said "Don't worry to call me if you are busy" and I told him how I felt, but he was like "No no, I'll call you this afternoon and we can chat", so I'm confused if he's trying to be nice or not. He had the option not to promise me to call.

There is nothing much to talk about but I'd still want to talk to him and be told "I'm not interested in you" from him, I think that would make me help forget about this feeling. But again I don't want him to think like "Are you still talking about this?"
I've never in the situation that I have to face someone who rejected me and it is really hard to face him everyday.

[TheEvilJester]

That is absolutely understandable. Believe me, I know I have, and I am sure almost all of us have, at some point faced unrequited feelings like this. So, I definitely understand it can be hard to let go at first, even if you know with every bit of your intellectual side that you would be better off just to move on.

It certainly doesn't help in the slightest that you still see him all the time. It is so much easier if you can make a clean break, but if you work with this fella, that may not really be possible. If you CAN somehow limit more how much you see him/talk to him, or you are willing to maybe remove him from your social media, things like that would certainly help. If that isn't an option, though, then at least know that you WILL feel better in time.

It would be nice if he could just be honest with you if he's just not interested. But, if he won't even have the courtesy to talk to you about it, then unfortunately he's not going to make that an option. So, again, just know that you will feel better in time. Believe me, I know that doesn't help much now, but trust me.... in time you will see that you are actually better off.

Good luck!

[melancholia]

He was telling the truth when he said he felt it's inappropriate to be dating a subordinate of the same work location he is manages. He obviously was attracted to you but didn't see it going further than that. It sucks to realize that, but it is what it is. This is why it's important to lay expectations out on the table before you hook up with someone. So often it happens, when one person thinks it's casual and the other person doesn't and it always ends badly for one of them. I think you should start re-evaluating the types of guys you get involved with. I don't think anything is wrong with you, but it's clear you are looking for partners who are not available to you (either emotionally, physically, or otherwise). Take some time to figure out what you want in a boyfriend and what your expectations are from a relationship and do not settle for anything less than that.