No sex in four years

[circledodger]

So yeah hi! I need some advice and was hoping I might be able to find some guidance on here.

My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years. However we have not had sex for 4 years and have not kissed for the same length of time. Other than that everything is fine between us.

We have discussed this at length, each expressing each our feelings. Apparently we are both going to try harder, but she's just not going to no matter what I do. She does not want to see a couples therapist.

Now the kicker...

We are in our late 20's and have been looking after a young woman (now 18, for the last 2 years for reason that are quite complicated and long. She is not related to either of us.

We spend more time together than my fiancee and I do and get on extremely well. She is very sexually promiscuous (has had several partners lately) and I am incredibly, unbelievably attracted to her. She and my fiancee are also close.

I feel so close to her, but I'm terrified that she is going to reject me if I tell her how I feel. I am going to leave my fiancee, but right now our finances are awful as we are trying to pay off her debts. My credit cards are maxed out because of this.

I know the ideal answer is I should wait until I have left and some time has passed. Also I doubt she is looking for a relationship for some years, I don't even know if I want that now, I just want her.

Given that I am convinced that I need to say something to her, I was hoping I might be able to get some advice on how to approach this?

[Fuzzyfeeling]

I'll show ya the 2 roads you can take on from here (might not be as depicted ,but hey, who knows) :

1-you tell your fiance that you got your sexual needs and you cant contain them no longer. She then either caves in /or straight out break it off. From there youre pretty free to tell the other one how you feel.

2-you dont tell your fiance at all anything , tho you'd have to stay faithful as well ,until the young woman you take care of gets well. And then go back to option 1.

Tho hats off to you for containing the lust for years , you're a saint/warrior.

- - - Updated - - -

I also would like to note: telling her how you feel , while she knows you're in a relationship ,your chances of gettin rejected is higher , depending on her loyalty to her friend ^~^ , good day pal.

[circledodger]

I'll show ya the 2 roads you can take on from here (might not be as depicted ,but hey, who knows) :

1-you tell your fiance that you got your sexual needs and you cant contain them no longer. She then either caves in /or straight out break it off. From there youre pretty free to tell the other one how you feel.

2-you dont tell your fiance at all anything , tho you'd have to stay faithful as well ,until the young woman you take care of gets well. And then go back to option 1.

Tho hats off to you for containing the lust for years , you're a saint/warrior.

Thanks, I'm definitely going to end it with the fiancee.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, I can't give you any advice other than what you are sort of already giving yourself. I mean, you hit the nail right on the head when you said you need to deal with your relationship FIRST and then if you do decide to end it, take some time to heal and get over that. Believe me, I think we can all understand how you feel. Hell, I can't imagine how you put up with somebody who could not/would not be intimate with you for FOUR YEARS. Don't get me wrong, sex should not be THE MOST important thing in your relationship.....

But that doesn't mean it ISN'T important. Two people need to be sexually compatible or it is unlikely they will work well together. It would be one thing if you both had really low sex drives so the lack of sex didn't bother you, but obviously that is not the case. What sort of blows my mind even more is that you also don't kiss. I mean, at that point, what exactly makes you feel like her boyfriend/fiance instead of just like her really good friend?

So, yeah, honestly I can't blame you if you want to leave that situation. However, cheating on somebody is NEVER okay. If you made any attempt to "hook up" with this shared friend of yours, or confess your feelings, that is essentially cheating. Not only that, but there is a fairly good chance that you are only really finding yourself attracted to her as a reaction to your complete lack of fulfillment in your current relationship. Maybe, given time, you'd realize that she isn't really right for you in a relationship capacity EITHER, but you just became attracted to her because it seemed like she could fill a void that was missing in your life.

So, again, better to deal with your current situation before you even consider it. Then, if in time you still find you are interested in her, you could revisit the idea then. I would at least exercise caution, though. If you are taking care of her in some capacity, maybe she thinks of you in more a friendly/guardian type of way and it could be upsetting to her..... or she could be just as interested in you, who knows? I'm just saying, if you do proceed, do so carefully.

Good luck to you in whatever you do decide. I can definitely understand if you think your current relationship is not going to work out. If that is the case, then you are doing the right thing in deciding to end it. And, believe me, you WOULD have every right/reason to decide that in this case. This is definitely not you being unreasonable. You've even tried working with her on it, but it seems like it will never change. You have a right to be happy, and so does she. If that is unlikely to happen if you two stay together, then it is better to end it so you can both find people who are better matches for you.

[pcmaster]

No sex and no money is not a good combination.

Anywayan girl is only 18 You will fall for her and then she will be in a position where if she change her mind like it often happens at that age, you could get your heart crushed.

[TheEvilJester]

Good point as well. At 18, though you are legally considered an adult, at least in most of the states in the USA, you really ARE NOT an adult at all. You really are still growing into the adult you will become some day. You really are still figuring life out. Whereas, in your late 20's, you tend to be more so settling into adulthood. Not that this is ALWAYS the case. Hell, some people NEVER grow up.

But, the point being at 18, she'd be much better off dating somebody around her age, as would you yours. You change a lot more than you might think from 18 to your 20's. It would be one thing if this happened a few years down the road where maybe she's in her late 20's and you are in your early to mid 30's. Then you are more in the same stage of life and are both more likely to know what you want in life.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like relationships like that NEVER work. It's just rare that somebody at 18 really knows where the heck their life is going to go. You are likely at a point in life where you need more stability than an 18 year old would likely even be able to provide yet.

But, as I will often say, that is just my opinion. I can't say you definitely should not try to ask her out, that is really up to you. I can just offer my advice that I personally wouldn't given all the factors. Good luck to you in whatever you do decide.

[melancholia]

You said that your relationship is good except for the lack of sex... I don't believe that at all. I know that sex isn't necessarily the most important factor in a relationship, but that's only when the sex is good and frequent that it doesn't matter as much. If the sex isn't good and you can't connect, or you don't have sex often enough, it exacerbates other problems within the relationship and causes stress on all parties.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your fiancee before you even consider going after another woman. That would cause even more problems and it sounds like you need a break from issues right now. The sex with someone new can wait. You need to deal with your current relationship and sort that out before you add anything else into the mix.

[TheEvilJester]

Not only can lack of sex exacerbate other problems, it can also be a result of a lot of other problems as well. I would say it is possible your sex drives just don't match..... but at 4 years without sex I have to think there is more to it than that. So, there could be other problems you two may have that you are either not aware are problems, or at least are not aware are as big of problems as they are. All of that could have led to this lack of intimacy whether you realize it or not. But, either way, four years in a relationship without intimacy is not okay at all. I mean, not unless for whatever reason that was actually fine with both of you. Obviously, at least for you, it is not.

Agreed with melancholia that you should deal with your current relationship, though, before even entertaining the idea of another. Even if you ultimately decide to end it, the right thing to do is to do that before entering into a new relationship, not the other way around.

[pcmaster]

If you end relationship then do it beautifuly and with respect. Talk everything out and have a closure so your heart dont hurts and you can move on faster.

[richiro]

ok.. firstly.. yo don't even know this lady has anything for you. hello - she's promiscious - she gets along with everybody! So priority [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] is being VERY HONEST WITH YOURSELF (not just veing a slave to your LUST for this woman) - what makes you truly believ she wants an exclusive relationship with you? I don't see any signs that she would. Would you be okay getting with ehr and then knowing she will still have multiple partners elsewhere? That you will just ecome 1 of many partners? Is this what you want?

Okay now back to reality. Has the fiancée explained why she does not want sex? Some people are just not very sexual, some people are highly sexual (i am highly sexual). If she is not all tha sexual then it's back on you on whether you can be happy with this or not (and DON'T use the scape of the other woman as why you're okay with it - you must pretend the otehr womn doesn't exist to answer it honestly). If she's highly sexual but just has lost the fervor for you - that's also a bad sign and a sign it should be over.

i recommend answering these questions for yourslef, rather than put it out there for others to determine your fate. OWN your happines - don't depend on others to give or take it from you or decide what your life is.

Good luck.