Relationship Routine!

[Tone]

Awww Rosebud, I know how frustrating that is. The initiating thing, I'm going through the same problem. He needs to be touching you as well, that just isn't fair and like giulia said he's being selfish.

Wow I can't believe this stuff.

I've seen both of you ladies, and it just amazes me that girls as lovely as yourselves go through this type of stuff.

Seems like such a waste...

[Junsui]

Awww Tone you're too sweet

[Tone]

Just speakin the truth - and hey - I can say this cause I use to be that guy. I've had my share of ****-ups in my life, that thankfully - I've learned from.

[Junsui]

Yeah, experience is a great tool for learning.

[Rosebud]

Tone, your very sweet and I'm glad you have been able to realize what you need to do. I wish there was more people out there that did the same thing. The past year and a half I have spent many days and nights trying to figure out if this relationship is going to be my last. Analyzing everything both of us have done and said to each other, and there have been times that I thought I wanted more and that I deserved more. We haven't had an easy relationship, but where we are now is because we stuck to it and never gave up. We are so much stronger and better for making it through all of our hard times. Knowing that, I can't walk away from him. There are a lot of things we have to work on but I know we are both willing to put forth an effort.

I'm determined this can work and it's just a matter of being able to keep things alive and trying new things. This weekend didn't really go as I had planned because something snuck up on me that I wasn't expecting for another week but it didn't totally ruin the whole weekend. I decided I'm going to buy a couples game. You know, one one of the ones that you do sexual things to each other.. I think that will liven things up at least to start with. So that area I have a little inclination as to what I'm going to do, by the way has anyone ever played those before??

And 2, on the helping me out part and not making me feel as though I'm a slave to him, I think going back to school is going to help that as well. Since I will be out of the house and will have homework to do, he will know I'm also doing something important on his scale compared to him working all the time.

So I just thought I would let you guys know I think I came up with some things to help my situation. What do you think about these? This way I'm not blaming him inot guilt so he feels he needs to do these things, it's because he wants to?? I think that makes sense!!!!

[Tone]

That's all nice and all, but remember it takes two - so at one point he's going to have to pick up on your hints or take your guys' talks more serious and make more effort himself. You can't do it all =/

[Junsui]

That's true Tone.

[Rosebud]

That's all nice and all, but remember it takes two - so at one point he's going to have to pick up on your hints or take your guys' talks more serious and make more effort himself. You can't do it all =/

yes I know. I asked him about the game and he was all in. And the school thing we also agreed on. I used to hint things all the time but that never got me anywhere, so now I just tell him. I agree he will have to make an effort here at some point I'm just hoping this stuff will get him to realize what we have been missing! I don't want to do all this stuff myself but somebody has to get the ball rolling, I just hope he will help keep it rolling. If he doesn't I don't know what I will do. I guess I just kinda sit back and see what happens.

[Mish]

Hi Rosebud

I think your query is less about routine and more about being taken for granted. You can't avoid routine, it's something that's bound to happen long term, because you are living your life (The only difference is instead of by yourself, you live with another person). Being taken for granted is a little bit different, but is not that uncommon.

I can see your frsutration. You spend all day every day doing house chores and looking after the baby, the last thing you want is to be made feel unimportant. You partner, spends all day at work (Stressing out over everyday work things), so i can kind of understand where he is coming from when he just wants to come home and get disconnected from it all. The issue here i think is more of a conflict of interests.

I think (My personal advice) is that there are things to do for the two of you. For you, you should find some extra activities so you don't feel a slave to the house (That can be very damaging to your self esteem). I would personally recommend inlisting the baby in kindergarden (When she is of age) and finding work, that way you will have both extra income and time away from home (in a social circle so to speak). Extra money can be spent spicing things up in the bedroom or on something exciting like travel. For him, he has to start appreciating little things like being in a relationship (Statistically today, that's an achievement in itself), like dinners which are ready for him when he comes home, like clothes which are washed for him when he needs them, like life which is there to be enjoyed before it ends. Maybe he is taking all these things for granted because he is forgetting how special everything he has is? How to get through to him? I'm not quite sure, maybe show him the "Dumping Thread" of this forum so he can start appreciating that which he already has?

[Mish]

Rosebud, I just had antoher thought. Maybe there is a psychological dimension to this relationship? Like, Some roadblocks that stand in the way of personal happines of either yourself or your partner. I can't help, but get a feeling that the drive towards personal happines (I.e. Happiness not depended on the partner) and sense of achievement is lacking here a little. Taking myself as an example, sometimes when I think back on some goals i set out for myself in life, but did not achieve my, happiness meter goes down. And then i make plans to achieve those goals, which makes me happy again

Just guessing here, but I think the further in life you go the stronger the feeling of unacomplishment of certain goals can become, which can then lead to personal unhappines or lowered self worth, which then translates to unhappines of people who are the closest. I know it's a crazy idea, but maybe there are some personal unacomplishment issues that your partner experiences and now that he has a family he feels tied down (Like going on adveture around the world or something simlar to that). Sorry if I'm being incoherent, but this thought just hit me and I felt like communicating that to you

P.S. All my crazy ideas being said, please don't neglect the baby!!!

[indigosoul]

Damn, I typed a lengthy response but the computer crashed before it posted. Basically, I said that this sounds within the range of "normal" for a four year relationship. It is human nature to take things for granted after four years - romance and dating emotions are transitory (especially for most men). Sorry, but I suggest you either get used to it, or since you aren't married, move on, but expect that it will happen again at some point after a lengthy relationship.

I second this post.

I mentioned it in another post, but even non-married ppl will find it of use: How to date your wife. I can't remember the author, but its a good book for this kind of problem. And no, I'm not the author, and no I don't get any commission from its sales.

[Rosebud]

Mishanya, I thank you for your thoughts. there could be some goals that he ahs not accomplished but I know he does not feel tied down to me or withheld because of our family. I push him on a lot of things to do what he wants in regards to things he likes or goals he has for himself. I know he understands the reponsibility he has because of me not having a job but we have thoroughly discussed this area trust me. i would like to go back to work and have another sense of responsibility but with his hours now, and depending on my work schedule at the moment it would only make things worse. he is now on a 7 day schedule with no day off in sight. We would never see each other ( and I'm not exaggerating) nor would he see his daughter at all. I ahve decided to go back to school which will get me out of the hosue a couple days a week and help in some areas.

I do think he has taken me for granted, and I don't think eh relaizes this. I know the best cure for that is to break up and give him a sense of what he would be missing but I can't help but feel that is a way of manipulating someone to realize something you want them too. I am not a controlling person nor do I like to be walked over. I'm the type of person that likes taking care of others and I always put them before me. That's not good but that's who I am and I always have been this way. I know the consequences of this but it's my nature. A big part of this is that he cannot understand how being at home and doing all these things can compare to him being at work for 8-12 hours a day. I can see where he is coming from but he can't see my end which I don't think he ever will.

I know a lot of things I will just have to live with if I want to stay with him. I have weighed my options on this a lot. There are a lot of things I think i could do without but I'm going to find that in any person I'm with.

Indigosoul, I do know what you mean, but I can't help but feel that there has to be somethign more we can do than just let it happen. I know everyone gets into a comfort zone but being able to keep things alive by doing differnet things I truly beleive is a key. I could be very naive for thinking this way, but I don't beleive this is just the end.

I thank everyone for all the good avice and compassion though. This has been a very sensitive subject with me for awhile now. So I apologize if it seems as though I'm starving for attention sometimes..

[Tone]

Sweetheart, talk to him.

[Rosebud]

Sweetheart, talk to him.

But what am I suppose to say? we actually haven't talked about this stuff in a little bit so i don't think he'll be defensive or anything. But how do you tell someone you feel like they are taking you for granted? I don't want him to think I'm attacking him with all these things..

[Junsui]

Let him know you want to talk to him about something and give him an idea of what it's about. Tell him when you want to talk about it and give him some time to think about it so he's ready to respond to you. Use a lot of "I" sentences when explaining your feelings. Maybe that would work?