Leave her after she blamed me for my fathers suicide attempt?

[Smaus]

Okay, so this is quite a long story sorry. I have a girlfriend, we’ve been together now for 7 years. There were lots of problems during the relationship but we’ve always loved each other and always succeeded to work out or issues. About three months ago there was a huge fight, we didn’t speak to each other for a month and we both thought this was really the end of us. But, we got back together and ever since everything was just great! We promised each other to learn from our mistakes and never treat each other like we used to. To never hurt each other again and always be honest with each other.

Everything was so great that I really started trusting her again and even considered proposing to her soon. Then last week a longtime friend of hers died. She wouldn’t tell me who this person was, she only said that he was like family to her. So obviously I was there for her and tried to support her. I suddenly started having nightmares about her ex-boyfriend, later I found out this was a big sign! About half a year ago I caught her having contact with her ex. It was not just friendly contact, it was about her asking him to please move back in with her as soon as possible, about having children and lots of dirty talk. Plus they called each other constantly! I forgave her and tried to put this behind me and trust her one last time. It seemed like the contact was over until this friend died. She finally told me who the deceased man was and I knew this was also a very good friend of her ex. I can just put my money on it that they are talking again, and that she might be even drawn more towards him because they’re both going to a difficult time. But I didn’t ask her about this. I didn’t because I wanted to show her respect while being in such grief. I wanted her to focus on her friends passing and not bother her with my emotions until she calmed down again.

Last week I had to bring my father to this place because he was very depressed. Bringing him there hurt me a lot but I didn’t bother her to much with my issues like I never do. She’s a person who attracts problems so most of the time I spend being there for her and helping her. I take good care of her and try to be a good man to her. Last night I heard my father tried to commit suicide, luckily he’s al right and getting the help he needs now! I heard this around midnight and didn’t know what to do..my girlfriend had been acting strange to me the whole week (probably because of her ex and the passing of her friend), but I still decided to go to her place because I really needed her for once! I came to her door crying but I heard her having a party. She was there with two boys and some junky girlfriend of hers who I hate and who has the worst influence on her! She opened the door, heard the news and saw me crying. She said she couldn’t let me in because it was a bad time. She pushed me out of her front door and promised to call me asap. She didn’t. The next day I called her because this made me even more sad and also furious! She told me she felt bad for my father but not for me. Not for me because I should’ve been there more for him, she kept saying all these things that made me even feel worse because she was actually implying his suicide attempt was my fault, but it’s not! I don’t have a lot of contact with my father, true. But this is because of things that happened that are not my fault. Still I always take care of him when he’s in trouble and try to visit when I can.

She really broke my heart..I would never to that to anyone, let alone my partner of 7 years! Now she doesn’t call me, doesn’t speak to me. I don’t know what to do..I love her very much but there have been to many red flags now! I feel like she doesn’t even love me. If she would how could she treat me like this in times of pain while I’m always there for her?
What should I do?

[richiro]

in short.. run away. this girl is trouble. especially after her accusation. but i woudl've said to leave her a long ago even if that didn't happen.
LEAVE... NOW....

[melancholia]

I am so sorry to hear about your father and the struggles he is going through. It must be so very hard for you to see your father going through such a difficult time. I am pleased to hear he is getting the help he needs, as that is of utmost importance. It's not going to be easy, but it can get better for him from here and I hope you are able to find some solace in that.

However, your girlfriend is a bitch. You deserve so so so so much better. Relationships can be tricky when you are dealing with difficult stuff, like you have; but your SO is the person who should be there for you through all of it. You both need to be there for each other during hard times, even if you are going through them at the same time. Relationships are give and take, and your girlfriend only wants to take and not give you the same level of commitment, support, or love back. That's not fair. I think you should break up with her because she should be single to figure out her life and to learn how to be a good girlfriend. It might seem hard, especially now with your father's recent mental health issues, but honestly it would be best for you. It's better to be free of the burden of a negative relationship than it is to suffer through these difficult times while having to cater to someone who clearly doesn't care as much about you as you do for her. You would be much better off and honestly, she doesn't deserve a man like you.

[TheEvilJester]

I will have to apologize in advance if perhaps I am overreacting myself.... but this exactly the sort of piece of garbage sorry excuse for a human being who gets my blood boiling. I don't think I could, in good conscience, give you any advice other than to agree with richiro and melancholia. On a side note, I do NOT condone violence, but good GOD if I were you, I'd have to restrain my rage from causing me to do something violent and permanent to her.

I have ZERO tolerance for a piece of crap like that. Forget even for a minute the fact that she always has some bull crap drama going on, such to the point that you never feel like you can confide in her because you are always having to comfort her...... For once you actually come to her in a time of need..... obviously very upset.... and it's "not a good time" for her?! I don't care what the Hell she was doing. It's not like you came to her just because you were bored and you were like "Hey, let's hang out." Then, yeah, she's entertaining guests, so then I could see it not being a "good time." But you came to her upset, crying, and needing somebody. If she were any kind of human being, she'd be there for you.

So, right there, to me that was enough of a sign that she doesn't deserve you. That she, in fact, doesn't deserve ANYBODY. But what has me imagining the homicidal rage I would have if I were in your situation is the audacity she has to blame you for something that, not only is 0% your fault, but is something where a decent human being would have your back and be there for you to comfort you and make you feel better. How DARE she open her big fat worthless mouth in areas where she doesn't have clue one as to what the Hell she is talking about?

So, I applaud you for having enough control not to have completely blown up at her. You are a better man than I because I would likely have had no qualms about telling her right to her face how much of a piece of $h*t she was for saying something like that if I were in your shoes.

So, yeah.... I cannot give you any advice other than to leave her. In fact, you may even consider telling her exactly why. I would say wait until you calm down a bit and can tell her without heightened emotions. Just very matter of fact, something like "I am always there for you and ONE TIME I need you and it's too much to ask? And then when you finally do have a moment of time for me instead of being there for me, you blame me for things out of my control and only try to make me feel worse? I cannot accept that. I deserve better than that."

Believe me, she'll probably try any tactic she can to keep you around. She'll try to argue and turn it back around on you, or she'll try to act like she's SO sorry and she'll change. Or, Hell, if not that maybe she'll try to make it look like her idea to break up and try to turn it around on you like YOU are the one who is wrong. Bottom line, don't buy into her bull crap and drama. Say your peace, tell her its over, and leave.

In most cases, even when I am pretty steadfastly in one camp on any given discussion on this message board, I usually still try to give advice for both sides of the argument just in case the OP may not want to go the direction many of us seem to be suggesting. For example, when things come down to a question of "do we break up or do we try to make it work" I tend to say which side I think is best and give that advice, but also to offer some advice for the opposite argument to in case that is what the OP decides.....

In this case I CANNOT do that. I could not offer any advice other than that you deserve much better than a piece of garbage like this. Leave her and don't think twice. You'd be better off alone than stuck with somebody who only makes you feel even MORE alone than if you actually were.

On a side note:

I am so sorry to hear about your father and I wish him the absolute best in his recovery. I know how it can feel to reach a point where you want to give up, so I can understand some of how he must have felt. Too often people are quick to vilify and blame somebody for going so far as to attempt suicide. I have never thought that is fair and only shows that the person does not understand what it is like to feel THAT low. Though I would never attempt it myself, I can understand hitting a low that low and how that feels. I can understand the helpless feeling that it will never end. The thing is, it CAN end. I hope your father finds the strength to get over whatever it is that has him so low.

[Smaus]

First of all, thank you all for the helpful advice.
And of course, you are all right!

There were many times she did something horrible like this and I should've walked away.
But somehow I never could. It felt like I was never strong enough..I used to tell myself everytime: don't call her and don't text her!
Everytime I let my emotions get the best of me because I started missing her like crazy, which is crazy. Like how much does a person have to hurt me
for me to finally say enough is enough!
This time I should really stand by my word and protect my own morals and beliefs. But actually doing that frightens me..because I know there will be
times (especially the first weeks) when I'll be tempted to reach out to her.

What the TheEvilJester says is really true! She is trying to turn this thing around on me. She's blaming me for coming at her door after midnight. I could maybe understand this if she was sleeping
or something but she was with these guys having a good time.
Her friend just called me with her phone telling me how she was right. You could obviously tell that my girlfriend told her a whole different story which is not true at all.
After explaining myself to herI felt like she understood me but I heard my girlfriend screaming in the background that I was insane, that she would never ever for ANYONE
send her partying friends away no matter the situation. I yelled back she was crazy because I'm her freaking BOYFRIEND of 7 years.

I told her friend to tell her I will definitely leave her alone and that I'm not up for this bullshit anymore. The friend kept saying "you guys should talk in a few days and work things out".
I explained to her that doing what she did is not in my book and that I don't want anyone in my life who's not worth my friendship or love.
After hanging up my girlfriend immediately send me a message asking if I really want to quit.
With my stupid head I took the effort to send her a message back where I one more time explained why I don't want to be with her anymore. I even told her it's okay to
be with her ex but that I just wished she would've been honest about it. I told her we are really over and that I hope she'll be happy, but just don't understand
how you can treat someone you have such a strong relationship with like that.
I told her friend that even if she was to come to my door with a problem I would've let her in to talk, even though I barely know her.
I learnt to never turn your back on people when they're at their lowest!
I would not even do that to a vague aquiantance.

God I need to be strong this time and really don't let her back in my life.

[melancholia]

Good for you, she sounds absolutely horrible. She's not even treating you like a friend, let alone a boyfriend of 7 years. I didn't read anywhere that you asked her to send her friends away, but you were looking for some support from your girlfriend... well she is a f.ucking bitch, there's no other way to put it. She especially highlights that notion with having her friend talk to you instead of her while she screams in the background... that is not mature or healthy behavior at all. It might be tough now to break up, but I promise you this is the worst part. The longer you go without being with her the easier it will be. Trust me when I say that it won't take long before you are removed from the relationship enough that you will see how terrible she was to you and how you deserve better. It's better to end it now, at 7 years in, than to continue for another year, two, or three, and have to end it then and start all over. Don't waste your time on this bitch. She sucks and she is wrong, and her friend is also wrong to even pretend to agree with her.

[richiro]

so just a quick review.. explaining it to her - is engaging with her. granting her wishes (to talk, answer her questions, etc.) is "engaging her". Don't engage her.
don't use words like bullshit or "i'm done with this crap" - that shows emotion, which shows she still has "effect" on you, which keeps her going.

see how intricate this is?

don't engage her.
don't add any extras that are not necessary.. just keep to the minimum and move on.
if they keep coming, again, "sorry.. i got to get going.. i have a meeting / appt / my meter is about to run out / i'm late ..." etc. as your way out of any conversation at any time.

stay strong.
you don't miss HER.. you miss "being with somebody".. it's not her. remember that.

Good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

you don't miss HER.. you miss "being with somebody".. it's not her. remember that.

Yes! This exactly. I've said that myself many times here on this site and I DEFINITELY agree that this is one of those times. You don't miss her, what you miss is the her you thought she was/thought she could be. You miss the person you thought she was, and the way it felt when you thought you'd found somebody who could be something very real. The truth is, you CAN find that someone..... just obviously not with her.

And, by the way, it doesn't surprise me in the least to hear that her friend apparently got a very different story about what happened, that probably had about 1% to actually do with the truth. Your gal reminds me so much of a similar piece of garbage I used to know. These kind of people (and I use that term very loosely, as they barely deserve to be called "people"), that is exactly what they do. They can NEVER be wrong in their own mind..... so when they tell a story like this they always manage to leave out all the parts that make it obvious just how wrong they were. They embellish, they tell half truths, and they blatantly lie to make sure the story makes them look good and everybody else look bad.

It wouldn't surprise me if her story to her friend basically summed up that you burst in demanding she send her friends home because you are her boyfriend and she should do whatever you say. She probably conveniently left out how upset you were, the fact that you needed somebody, the fact that you didn't demand she do anything, you were simply asking for her to be there for you the way any normal human being would for somebody about whom they are supposed to care.

Anyway, we could go on and on, but I think at this point it is as obvious to you as it was to us. You deserve better. Hell, just about anybody would deserve better than to be treated like this. Not only that, but people like her NEVER change. People certainly CAN change, but they so rarely ever do as it is..... but people like her just never will. And, heck, let's even say she sincerely promises to change and actually DOES make the effort.... frankly, it is too little too late. I'm sorry, maybe it is just me but I personally think she crossed a line.

All her other BS could MAYBE be forgiven if she actually sincerely realized she was wrong and made an effort to change (doubtful that would happen anyway, though). But, to me, this latest crap crosses a line where it is just unacceptable.

Good luck to you. You deserve better. You WILL find that "better" some day if you still want it, but not in her. Let her be somebody else's problem. I know from experience that you'd be much better off even alone than you are with her.