What's my next move?

[melancholia]

Never ever lend money to someone unless you can afford not to get it back. She may not be so willing to give it back to you and if there wasn't some sort of legal contract that forces her to pay you, you're hooped. We all misjudge situations and people, but take this as a lesson learned.

[Kates David]

That`s what I alluded to, she`s likely got a lot on. What comes across the whole time with you is you, your ego, but back in the real world it is she that seems to be having all the eal world problems. As for whether she`ll pay you back or not it is n`t over until it`s over. If she has n`t put it to you that the loan should be considered a gift, or otherwise alienated herself from it, there is no real world reason why you should be questioning her honesty. Truth is, I fear, in loaning her this money you may have taken on more than you are strictly capable of in the first instance? I did n`t know that you`d spent a night together, what was that about? Are you a couple, or otherwise is it only that you feel an urgency to be regarded by her as a boyfriend? It sounds increasingly as though she is quite genuine, and this is exactly the time when girls do tend to require the friendship of a second guy to provide them with support. I can find nothing wrong in them so doing. Under the same circumstances as her would n`t you want a friend? Tell her that you are a bit inadequate for the circumstances, but you also understand that in the real world it is really her that is going through it, not you. Apologise, and try that much harder to genuinely support her from this time on, but do n`t loan her more money, especially when you are lacking the functionality to do it comfortably. Explain to her why you find the loaning of money so difficult. Do n`t pretend to be more than you are, and perhaps then take it out on her when you fall short. Where you are at requires a lot of maturity, and at times you shall in all likelihood be running at tangents to your innate drive, trust me though, this is n`t her fault, God created us, blame him.

[melancholia]

The girl's problems are her own problems, brought on by the consequences of her actions, and her actions alone. The OP's problems are his own problems, brought on by the consequences of his actions, and his actions alone. Her problems are not more "real world" than his are, as his problems are really the only ones that affect him, and that he should put any energy into fixing. She is not his responsibility, and she isn't treating him like a friend, so why on Earth would he want to be friends with her? Sh!tty friends treat people like she does, so it's probably not a good idea to try and be friends with someone like that. I would consider the money to be a gift to her, and not a loan, because I doubt you will be able to get paid back, OP. Especially if she's blocked and deleted you from contacting her.

The one thing I agree with KatesDavid on (which is shocking in itself, because he gives awful advice), is that you can't blame her for your mistakes. You can be upset about the situation, but you can also choose to move on and make different choices next time. I don't necessarily think you blame her for your actions, but to spend any more time dwelling on this situation would be a disservice to yourself. You need to move on and focus on better, more positive things you have going on for you.

[richiro]

i agree with melancholia... the whole "who has more real world problems" vs the other is completely insignificant and moot. it doesn't matter.
the REALITY of the situaton is: she's clearly using him. he's clearly not going to get the money back (and at minimum ASSUME he won't). his best move is to realize this and move on. learn from this. and not repeat the same mistakes going forward.

anything else is clouds and fog in the sky and means zero, changes zero, and we're right back where we started with - she's using him, he out the money, he shoudl move on.

life is really simple. people insist on making it complex. keep it simple and the game is easy to play and win at.

[Kates David]

Every bodies problems are as consequence to their actions come inactions, but for a genuine relationship to even exist, be it friendship or more, one has to move past self/self interest/the end of one`s nose/selfishness/one`s ego, and actually suffer a bit themselves. Personal gain relationships are called non relationships, come relationships with oneself. With this attitude on board the girl would be infinitely better off with a friend one thousand years her senior, under any and all circumstances of his being, save only the facet to exist beyond self interest. You have already made your minds up a bout a girl based on snippets of secondhand information, and without even having had one contact with her yourself. It`s called prejudice, it`s blind, and it excuses people for not giving a dame, it`s lazy, and it`s immoral, blind, but obviously. The catalyst for the prejudice is that her circumstance in being pregnant runs opposed to your innate drive, so yes, your response is no more than that of an animal. I at sixty years would do the job in friendship with this girl which you cannot even think to do at a so called compatible age. You have in reality absolutely no idea what her specific circumstances have been, but regardless she is blamed for them, and blamed for what exactly? So you know she wont pay the money back. The only way one could know this would be if no girl had ever paid back what she`d borrowed. You have it in for her out of prejudice/ treating the whole group under her circumstances as a single being, and at the same time the very worst of them, raw innate drive driven prejudice. As for actually knowing, well, you have no experience at all of her, you know nothing . Yes, if he is only capable of a relationship he should never even of gone there in the first place, but if he is capable of genuine friendship he should stop judging her so much and start being her friend. Relationships, those worth having, are not concerned with "winning"

[Kates David]

Keeping things simple is where prejudice is born, it`s born out of this very nature of laziness/convenience. It draws people in like a magnet to it, for most of us are intrinsically lazy. The mob mentality thrives in prejudice. Back in the real world however, that world beyond mere perception, we are highly complex beings, often demanding of complex explanations, or at the very least considerations.

[Kates David]

When it comes to relationships virtually everybody "knows" that they are an expert, but virtually nobody actually is. In which regard, experts always recognise other experts. The biggest of all fallacy is that relationship skills can be taught.

[richiro]

Keeping things simple is where prejudice is born, it`s born out of this very nature of laziness/convenience. It draws people in like a magnet to it, for most of us are intrinsically lazy. The mob mentality thrives in prejudice. Back in the real world however, that world beyond mere perception, we are highly complex beings, often demanding of complex explanations, or at the very least considerations.

ummm sorry.. but keeping it simple is not the same as "laziness". It's actually HARDER to keep it simple and commit to simplicity. It's a lot easier to just run wild and make things complex!
So. assumption [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] by you *buzz* incorrect.

As for mob mentality - i keep it simple for myself and b/c i'm one of the FEW that keep it simple - there is no "simplicity" mob. Look at this board. Evrybody OVER-COMPLICATES things! The reality is that its those that make it drama, over-complex, that are in the "groupthink" and therefore MOB mentality. We don't have tv shows out there called "minimalist intervention"... or "clean house intervention" do we? NO. its HOARDERS.. it's intervention for people's who's live have "spun out of control" (you nevr see an intevention for somebody "who's life is so simple..." do we? Sorry pal.. you got it backwards.

As far as umm.. "prejudism"? prejudism has nothing to do with simplicity or complexity. In fact go and watch and listen to people that are "prejudiced" - they are the peopl that have al these RULES that must be followed .. its the RULES that create prejudism!!! (aka "blacks shouldn't do this or that.." "women should be this way or that way.." etc.) PREJUDISM by DEFAULT is BECAUSE OF RULES b/c if there were no rules about what blacks, women, lgbt shoudl or sholdn't do - THERE WOULD BE NO PREDJUDISM!!!

NON-prejudice people are like, "people are people.. thats it... i trea them all equally"... PRETTY SIMPLE to me!

*shakes head*
nice try.. but not even close.

- - - Updated - - -

When it comes to relationships virtually everybody "knows" that they are an expert, but virtually nobody actually is. In which regard, experts always recognise other experts. The biggest of all fallacy is that relationship skills can be taught.

exactly.. which is why it's plainly obvious you are NOT one- because it's glaringly obvious to me (as it would be for any professional).

[Kates David]

I cannot find anything here to respond to, other than this covering response. You even work with that which you wish I`d said, rather than that which was actually said. In the first place, you have lost your focus, this thread is n`t about me, nor you, your ego, and in the second, you are writing nothing of any benefit. It`s no more than "must win" word combinations, what I say you must revoke. The real world owes nothing to the manifestations of one`s personal ego, come dented pride.

Please now be considerate enough to focus on the job at hand. Nobody cares, and I certainly do n`t care that we do n`t agree. It`s not right minded to care when you do n`t know the person. You are totally undermining this thread, and now with this post for the first time, my sincere apologies, so I fear may I being. To the world, I`m sincerely sorry, but now let`s both of us be mature enough to deal solely with the job at hand. There exists nothing else which we are being tested on here, not in the real world!

Melancholia, I lost your last private communication. Please do n`t end it there though, as it wont happen a second time. i shall respond to you, it`s not an easy one, but getting it right is what will count for you in the longer term.

When money is loaned to strangers it is always better to restrict the amount to that which one can afford to lose, as it is not even reasonable to question their honesty until evasion of repayment has been established as fact. You only add to their overall burden. Loaning of money is psychologically tough. Know this first! Also know this, that those that would both most benefit and be most grateful for a loan are also those that are going to find repayment the hardest.

Thank you for listening.

[richiro]

then why are you going aroudn making grandiose statements about other people?
you're the one that went off track buddy.. not me.

[Kates David]

We are both of track, but yes, there exists even word combinations which permit you to deny this. Let`s just agree that you are perfect, and that I do n`t even know what I`m talking about. I could n`t honestly care whom in your opinion is to blame for what. I accept all the blame for everything, sufficient?

Melancholia, I have been in a parallel circumstance with a girl whom I`m housing. She borrowed to the tune of £500. She was in a relationship, not with me. Was compromised where it concerned our friendship, and has had priorities beyond this loan. Much time has past, and we still live together today. I do n`t feel as though I`ve been used, nor consider that she means not to repay me when her circumstances have first enabled this. If this girl that you have loaned money to periodically reintroduces the loan into the conversation without prompting, she is still on your side over eventually paying you back. Do n`t fall out with her, because this would significantly reduce the likelihood of her making the repayment, but even here I am speaking only statistically. She may be different. Because the circumstances of the two of you, and the loan, runs at odds with your innate drive it is almost inevitable that you shall continually be questioning her honesty. Remember though, the underlying reality of the circumstance between two people owes absolutely nothing to one or other participants perception of it. This is a golden rule, and at the top end, in terms of social philosophical progress, one is required to function, as it were, to one side of their singular perception. Perception is not to be trusted. Trust that this helps a little.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?