What's my next move?

[DanTheMan18]

I met this girl online a few weeks ago & she seemed real happy & seemed happy to meet ec and her replies were really fast I met her just a few days ago and stayed at her place and decided I'd like to meet again & go further the only problem is she's 3 months pregnant to someone else who's with someone else & the fact we're both 18 makes it difficult even though I'm willing to help her out, i really felt bad when she complained that she had bills she hadn't paid and kept hinting she'd have to ask her mum for money I ended up paying her internet bill & let her borrow £20 realising I was stupid to lend it her after only meeting once & expected to get blocked instantly to my surprise I wasn't & have spoke to her but she seems more off and doesn't seem up for the idea of a relationship like she seemed at the start & now ignores a few of my messages and takes longer than usual to really suggesting she's now not as keen😳 Anyone got any suggestions baring in mind I like the girl and still wanna get to know her. Thanks.

[kerriedrum95]

Hi there! In no circumstances should you be giving her money for bills or expenses. If you want an honest relationship with her, you both need to focus on your feelings and commitment for one another and not on if you can or cannot support her and her baby. If you continue to help her financially, she will expect that you do the same when the baby is born and that will increase in cost dramatically, this could also get you sealed into something that you may not be able to easily get out of.
Be cautious, express your feelings for her, not in an overbearing or clingy way, but tell her how you feel on the lines of "I like you and enjoy your company, and would like to see where this goes". Since she is pregnant, I wouldn't push her into having a relationship if she's not comfortable with it, as the next few months will be emotional for her.
Don't forget to just be your best self and stay true to who you are!

[richiro]

oh boy.. blech.. no good.

ok 1.. stop giving her money. you're setting up the possiblity that she knows she can use you for money and thats why she keeps you around.

2.. don't solve all her problems. it's not YOUR responsibility. and while being thoughtful and helpful when you are together (on a date ideally), don't go extending well beyond yourself to solve her problems that goes beyond the scope of the level of your dating relaitnship. again, you don't want to set it up that she knows she can "use you" and that's wha tyou become.

3. dial it back on the relatinoship luvvy feeling stuff. she is 3 months pregnant! her world and life is going to be about that baby and not you so the likelihood anything can develop right now is zero!! it's going to be a while befre she can truly and healthily think about a relaitnship.

that all being said. its okay to continue to be friends with her. but don't be her bf or surrogate father to the child! JUST FRIENDS! if she asks for something that is reasonable - sure help out. but no more bill paying or solving her problems! you want her to want to be with YOU, not want you to be around to solve her problems.

good luck. i'd tread very lightly on this and not be around TOO much on this one.

[melancholia]

Honestly, at 18, this sounds like a terrible idea. It sounds far too complicated to get involved, especially if you are already feeling obligated to pay bills or lend her money after only meeting her once or twice. Baggage like this is something that takes a lot of forward thinking and planning, and it doesn't sound like you're thinking of those things. Richiro said not to become her BF or surrogate father, but it doesn't sound like you just want to be friends, so what will end up happening is you WILL fall into the role of surrogate/step-father/BF and at 18 years old, you should be exploring the world and all of the things life has to offer you before you settle down and have children - especially if those children aren't yours.

I think this is a situation you will clearly have to make on your own, but one that is a really, really bad idea to go ahead with. Sorry if that's not the answer you were looking for, but I don't know how anyone could possibly think it's a sound plan to take up with a woman who is pregnant with another guy's baby at 18 years old.

[pcmaster]

She would be great for unprotected sex cause cant get pregnant. But instead of paying her bill you could aswell get yourself a slut for that money.

Anyway forget about girl if shes distant. You dont own her anything and she should be yours after all that you done for her. Really man safe yourself a trouble. If after meeting a girl she goes distant then its not the real girl for you. It was cool chatting but relationship cant take reallity. It will just get worse after every meeting.
I understand you have troubles but choosing troubled girls is not the way unless you want to get into more trouble. There are better girls, just keep searching and talk with good looking girls on a street and in shops if you can man up. It will be much better than in internet.

[Kates David]

I think that under the circumstances she really does need to pull her weight in the keen department. There does n`t appear to be much relationship to hang onto, and if she is n`t constantly back to you over the money, at least attempting to pay it back, there`s nothing to save worth the saving. The twenty pounds is a good investment in testing where she is coming from over the two of you, but more money wont upgrade the test. Having said all of this, deploy a little patients because you may not be aware of other distractions in her life.

[DanTheMan18]

Thanks all for your replies & advice & update as to where we are with this girl. Well, I did message her over her changing and being different towards me e.g blunt replies & ignoring a few messages. She assured me there was nothing to worry about and that she'd had a few issues (family illness) which of course can be used as an excuse which at this point I do believe it is the true reason why she's been different towards me however, I cannot prove otherwise so won't tell her what I really think. Her replies then started to get better and be more conversational for a couple of days until lately again she's ignored me me a couple of times & her Snapchat story leads me to believe she may be speaking to someone else but that's just my point of view I may be incorrect, again there is nothing solid to confirm she is or not. It just funny even though it was early days she was saying she could see herself falling for me but about a week ago turned around and said it would be a long time before she gets in any relationship? Even if that was the case I'd be prepared to take time but it's the lack of effort, it's always been me messaging her never the other way. As for the money she actually brought the subject up and said she was getting a lump sum and would pay me in full. Again, thanks for the advice.

[Kates David]

That as I pointed out is so often the case. It is neither here nor there whether she is speaking with a third party, and nothing genuine on your part will even concern itself here. She is a human being so she will communicate with people. Focus only on the two of you.

[DanTheMan18]

Just adding to my last post: I was just having a flick through tinder as you do I wasn't looking for anything just to see who'd liked me (didn't mean any harm by this). The chances of her being the first girl I get on there so i was having a look on her profile & noticed she's recently changed from '3 months pregnant' to '4 months pregnant' this only suggests one thing to me & that's that she's warning people before she gets into anything serious? Anyone think the same because it really sounds like I'm being played by her. Thanks.

[Kates David]

She may be being played by the father, but you have given us inadequate reason to believe that you are being played by her. The increase from 3 to 4 months is totally meaningless, and in every and all respects.

[richiro]

shes playing you. they always say they're going to pay you back, but don't.
trust me... i have about 80lk floating out there that people are still "nearly ready to pay me back" on...

GO.. NOW. get a clue!

[Kates David]

Where does it say that he has just loaned her money? I found it , whey back, you should have included it with the question as to whether you are being used. She brought the subject up unprompted, and referred to a lump sum which she is meaning to get together. People that are "using" seldom do that, unless they should mean to go straight on and ask to borrow more money. If it was going to be easy, and quick for her to pay the money back she would n`t likely have required to borrow it in the first place. Only stop trusting her when there becomes a reason to, and your insecurity is not even the beginnings of a reason. This goes for her not always making you the centre of her universe as well, which is the norm in full on healthy balanced relationships. You do n`t own her after all, and you should n`t expect to take over a girl`s life, not even in marriage. If she has male friends, tough, she`s entitled to them, and if your genuine yourself you`ll only want that which will most benefit her.

[melancholia]

[MENTION=59568]kates[/MENTION]David, you think it's OK for an 18 year old woman to accept money from a guy she's known for a few weeks, when they aren't in a relationship, and she is pregnant with another man's baby? The OP was foolish to offer, but if she was more mature, and more independent, she would have refused his money. The OP's next move should be to find someone else to date. Someone more aligned to his expectations, who isn't carrying so much baggage.

[Kates David]

I treat everybody as an individual, so never generalise like that in the first place. Yes, it may be fine, for it`f fine to have friends when one is pregnant, and it is generally friends that one borrows from. The girls that I house have boyfriends, are friends, and on occasion borrow, but they are all fine girls, each one an individual, but fine. I have the money at times when they do n`t, end of. Immaturity come want of independence are neither crimes nor reasons not to like a person. We were all young once. His next move should likely not be a forced one, and will be a product of many vital factors, it could even be that he should avoid dating for a while, who knows? I have seen no evidence to suggest that he is indeed dating now, the expectations perhaps, but no realistic suggestion that he should be treating it as a date. The avoidance of "baggage" runs contrary to the facet for genuine friendship. Do we even know how she may be being treated by this supposed lover, no, what might become of her should she loose this friend, no, and we also know far too little to play God.

[DanTheMan18]

Little update which is the unfortunate one I must admit had an argument with her earlier over snapchat basically stated a few points about being ignored and how her thoughts and feelings have changed from the night of meeting & staying at hers to a few days later barely wanting to know me ? She was happy enough to accept the money when offered she kept telling me she'd have to borrow it off her mum n I got the hint she was asking to borrow in which I then felt the need to offer(single parent & all I felt harsh because she would be struggling) I should of let her borrow off her mum if I'm honest but I didn't. Onto the latest... She claimed the reason I have been getting ignored is due to the fact she's had a lot on and her ex is now attempting to take the baby off her permanently when he/she is born, she never gave me any indication and tried playing the sympathy vote as if I was already supposed to know and understand..she just became argumentitive and then stopped reading messsges and I've just realised I've now been deleted on Snapchat by her and her last words were 'I'm not bothered whether you're in my life or not' this really was something I was bothered about and really tells the story as it is, I guess it's end of topic, either way I have to pay for a train to go and collect my money at some point. Thank you all for your advice just not the scenario I had wished for😔