Why did he kiss me back?

[lovelorn lassie]

I met a guy online last year and after a few months chatting I met up with him, he kissed me on the cheek the first two nights but nothing else, then on the last day of the holiday I kissed him on the lips and he responded without hesitation, french kissing me back. We were then intimate later that day but didn't have sex, I wasn't comfortable with it at that time and have sexual problems which I explained to him. He told me we could take it as slow as I wanted. He told me he had been attracted to me and seemed to be genuinely interested. Afterwards he had a cigarette and told me he didn't want a relationship. He told me it wasn't because I didn't have sex with him or my problems. The next day he told me he felt sick and couldn't kiss me properly. I went home, he didn't text me for a few days and then he told me he just wanted to be close friends. I don't know what I did. From then on the 'friendship' just went downhill as I couldn't deal with just being friends. He got annoyed when I brought it up and told me friendship was all he had offered. I now think he only told me he was interested in me when we were intimate because he wanted to have sex as the opportunity arose. He knew I didn't like casual hook ups and he said he wanted a relationship just to get it. But why he french kissed me (before I did) I don't understand. If all you ever wanted was to be friends, why not just rebuff my advances? It just confused me and led me to keep hoping he would change his mind. As it stands I have broken off contact with him and know that I can't be in touch with him again but I know I won't meet anyone like him again or be with anyone else now. I really don't want to be anyway. But I just wondered why someone who seemed so honest would say one thing and their body say something completely different. He told me 'he had urges', but surely that doesn't include lying about wanting a relationship? Is it just that he wanted a quickie and would have done anything or said anything to get it? He called me emotionally manipulative but I think he was just as bad as far as getting what he wanted in bed went. I can only remember the negative things he said about me now and he said he cared but surely he must have seen how unhappy the situation made me and should have broken the 'friendship' off a long time ago, if he genuinely ever did? I know I was an idiot over it, I just wonder what I did, if it wasn't the lack of sex that was the problem. We did live quite far apart but not that far, and he obviously had no intention of meeting up with me again. He knew how I felt and how frustrating it was for me, but he stayed in touch even when anyone who cared or thought rationally about the situation (which I couldn't see at the time because I was infatuated with him) would have seen what was best and walked away. It drove me to consider suicide and while that seems like an irrational response I just can't get him out of my head and I know that won't change

[pcmaster]

Its not a big deal if you get kissed. It doesnt mean anything. Thinking about suicide is immature. You really need therapy. I can suggest 7cups.com and betterhelp.com in betterhelp they have one week free trial with licensed therapists, but ob 7cups they have volunteer listeners that are totaly free but usually not proffesional.

You really just need get a life and life healthy and as normal as you can. Also solve all your personal problems you can solve. That would help in future relationships.

[lovelorn lassie]

Thanks, I won't kill myself over it. I know I'm immature and there won't be any more relationships. I've had therapy and it never worked and would like CBT but I don't know if I would qualify with my mh issues. For me it's just best to be on my own and try and keep busy or try and find friends, if that's even possible with my issues.

[simplysinful]

Suicide is never the answer.
Guys sometimes do things without reason and woman always try to analyze something that can't be analyzed.
Don't over think it, just take it as it is. I am glad you are reaching out for help here because it is helpful to talk things out.

[lovelorn lassie]

Yeah, that's why I ended the contact, no one is worth killing yourself over or even contemplating it. I do think I need to stop feeling so guiity about anything I did or said to him after that. I just found it hard to deal with the fact that it meant nothing to him, and I had put him on such a pedestal which probably meant the way he behaved was more of a shock. Really we shouldn't have stayed friends at all after that happened. It just made the feelings linger for longer. I have read the post about getting over someone and I think seeing him as a mere mortal who makes mistakes too would probably help. I'm not saying it wasn't all my fault for kissing him in the first place, but he really didn't need to kiss me back if he didn't want to. It's the memories that are the problem. If I could switch them off things would be much easier. I recognise my own immaturity though, I'm 42 and enjoyed the romance of Twilight films, which says it all. Being romantic at my age isn't healthy but I was never that experienced with relationships really. I think I picked the wrong guy there. He could be quite cold in his attitude sometimes and very cutting.

Ultimately the CBT is a last ditch attempt for me to stop thinking the way I do about things, come to terms with who I am and learn to gain self worth in a healthy way. Right now I rely on other people for that and I can't see anything good in myself without it. Criticism always stays with me much longer than a compliment. I think CBT can help that, I just hope that I can get access to it.