Long term relationship breakdown

[0887]

Need some advice, firstly i have been in a relationship for 13 years since i was 15. I have 4 children from this relationship. From i got together with this man he done nothing but cheat on me for the first 4 ish years, i decided i loved him and that although 2 of these times was when i was pregnant i got over it eventually as he showed me he was changing. Over the past 2 years i noticed that we were getting distant and that we are not close how we used to be. I had a lot going on loosing people close to me and i started to accuse him of cheating again as he never had time for me or his children. I would sit down with him everynight and try and express how i feel and break down every night cause i could feel we was drifting, an all he ever said was i was talking nonsense. Anyway a couple of months back i ran into a old male friend and for the first time ever i gave out my number and he used to phone everyday and we would talk, only on a friendship level but then 1 night i broke down and told him how i felt and he comforted me and we ended up sleeping together. In all my life i have never felt soo guilty and i told my partner what i had done. We argued about it and he told me we was over, i decided as much as i loved him i was in the wrong and i would leave him to live his life and be happy. Then he came back and said he wanted to work it out. It then became a vicious circle 1 min he wanted to b with me the next he dnt. Anyway today i told him i cant take anymore and that i know i was in the wrong and i admit it but i am in a dark place and he is just making me worse he is nothing but nasty to me all the time an i have had enough but im finding it hard to get over it and thinking how am i going to live without him? How do you get over something like this?

[richiro]

you just do and let time heal all wounds. you can't force it. it WILL take a long time.
but you must move on.
and in time you will get over it.

sorry to hear this has been such a rocky situation from the beginning. but atleast you're getting out now. if you stay in this sill never change.

[0887]

Thanks richiro, I'm trying to get out but atm I have mixed emotions 1 part of me is telling me just walk away and the other keeps telling me to fight for this for my kids and because he is all I know. I don't know what to do for the best 😕😕😕

[TheEvilJester]

Two wrongs don't make a right. So, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying what you did was okay. Nor does it make it okay for you to do it because he did as well....

HOWEVER,

It is awfully hypocritical of him that he constantly cheated on you in the past and yet you managed to give him another chance..... yet you cheat on him ONCE and all of a sudden you are such a terrible person and he can't get past it. Heck, one could argue that his poor treatment of you is one of the things that led into your instance. Again, don't get me wrong. That doesn't make what you did right. It's just, I think all of us have done things we regret at times when we were pushed to our brink. I'm not saying we've all done exactly the same thing, of course, but I think everybody has, at some time in their life, done or said something they shouldn't as result of a particularly bad time in their life. I'd venture to say anybody who tells you they HAVEN'T is a liar.

So, you should definitely strive to be better.... but you shouldn't beat yourself up too much. Now, as for this relationship.... my personal opinion would be that you would be much better off just letting it go. Yes, it is going to hurt at first, but in time you will see that you are so much better off. Again, in no way am I saying his indiscretions make yours okay.... but I'd venture to guess if you were in a relatively happy relationship your own incident would never have happened. So, you are much better off waiting to find somebody who brings out the best in you, not somebody who only brings out the worst. Hell, I found that out myself the hard way (not exactly the same way as you did, but still the same idea). So, I speak from experience, not just from my own personal opinions.

Heck, you are much better off alone than you are in a relationship like this that only brings you stress and hurt. So, I think that would be my suggested first step. Just take some time to heal and to re-learn how to be happy just with you. Time to re-meet an awesome person you've known your whole life who looks back at you when you look in the mirror. I'm of course, talking about Bloody Mary. Just don't say her name three times. LOL! No, I'm kidding. Obviously, I meant you. You need to re-learn to be good to YOU. Then, when you are ready, go back out there in the dating world and find somebody who only reinforces the good in you, not somebody who drives you to point where the stress brings out the worst in you.

Good luck!

[0887]

Thank you for your advice the evil jester, it means a lot. I really am finding it soo difficult but I suppose only time will make things better, it's just soo hard when there are children involved but I suppose me being upset is only going to upset them. Maybe once I have come to terms with the fact that this really is not good for any of us then it will become easier to deal with it all and then I can move on with my life. And I really do believe I need to find myself as I have been in this relationship since I was a child myself and it's like I don't even recognise myself lately. Thank you once again

[TheEvilJester]

You can do it. I know exactly how you are feeling. I've been through that myself. Again, not exactly the same as your story, but it is particularly the idea of not even recognizing your own self anymore to which I can really relate. I very much had that feeling when I finally started to realize I was in a bad relationship.

But, in getting myself through that, and some other bumps along the road.... I feel more me now than I EVER have in my life. You can and you WILL do the same. It will take time, though. It won't be easy. I wish I could tell you it would, but I wouldn't want to lie to you. But, in time you will begin to feel better. In time, you'll ever come out better for having gone through it. You've heard the saying "What doesn't kills us makes us stronger." I don't think that's always true, but I think this sort of situation is one where it can be if you let it. Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

I see that there is much love between you
I also see there is much hate

Talk to each other
Focus on what you want for and from each other
Focus on how you want things to be and how you can make it happen

Maybe give counseling a go.

Tell yourself good things about each other.
Be thankful of the person you have, who have been - regardless of how hard it has been - faithfull and trying and working

Stop focusing on what doesn't work. Focus on how you can make life beautiful for each other again.

You have given it 100%
Give it 120%
I hope you will grow a great caring couple again