Insensitive Partner

[Banana666]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it has been a very up and down relationship during that time.
At the beginning we were texting all the time and things were very intense. We felt like we were falling in love before we had even met (sounds crazy, I know!). Our 1st date was great and we really hit it off. Our 2nd date (when things became intimate) wasn't so great. He was being very hot and cold with me and seemed to be becoming quite distant. The next day he messaged me to say he had lost enthusiasm for us a bit. I was absolutely horrified as he had gone from making out I was his perfect woman, to sleeping with me and 'losing enthusiasm'. It massively knocked my confidence but we both decided to continue with the relationship. Over the next couple of months he ended things with me 5 times and would tell me he just wanted to be friends. Each time he would panic afterwards and tell me he'd made the wrong decision and he wanted me back. Like a doormat I kept taking him back as I was feeling very vulnerable and he also seemed to have a hold over me. The amount of times I've sobbed my heart out because of him is pretty shocking though.
The relationship continued to be hard work and he would come round mine for the evening, barely say two words as he'd be so exhausted from work, we'd sleep together and then he'd go home. Same routine every week without fail. Zero romance or fun which is how relationships should be in the first 6 months. He's only ever taken me out for dinner once and paid for the full bill. Every other time we have gone out anywhere (which is probably only 5 times in 6 months) I have paid for it or we have split the bill (which I don't mind doing but it would be nice to just be treated and taken out occasionally. He's got a well paid job too so it's not as if he's completely skint).
Fast forward to now and we are in a slightly better place with him making more effort and treating me a bit better. He makes a lot more time for me and the cold/distant behaviour seems to be a thing of the past on the whole.
HOWEVER, last week I ended up asking him for an explanation for why he kept ending things with me so many times at the start of the relationship as it kept playing on my mind and I was curious. His reply was definitely not what I was expecting.

"You were bigger than what I'd normally go for".

I was a size 14 when we first started dating but I'm 5ft 7 so I don't think I've ever looked 'fat'. Maybe just quite chunky with a big bum and could have done with toning up. I've lost over a stone since then which is maybe why he's seeming a lot more interested in me now.
I feel mortified that he used to find my body that unattractive that he had to split up with me 5 times because of it. I know he likes really skinny women from the celebrities he's told me he finds attractive. I'm now just feeling really angry and fed up that I've allowed someone to affect my self esteem like this. Plus all the times that he has been a rubbish boyfriend to me too and made me feel confused with his hot and cold behaviour.
I don't want to discuss any of this with my family or friends as I don't want to plant negative thoughts in their minds about him if he and I do end up lasting for the long term.
My head feels like it's going to explode though if I don't get someone else's views on the situation. I don't know whether I'm reading too much into it and should just accept that he was being tactlessly honest about things and we're now in a better place, or whether I should run a million miles and find someone who will never upset me like that. Dating someone who is clearly very shallow is a big concern as I'm not sure whether I could ever fully 100% trust him. He's made it clear and never hides the fact that he looks at other women a lot which also makes me feel like I'll never be good enough for him.
I'm on a weight loss mission to get back down to a size 8-10 and I definitely feel pressured by him to hurry up and get on with it. Like he'll sit there shoving biscuits and chocolate down his throat next to me and then tut and say "aren't you supposed to be on a diet?!" If I have any.
I know a lot of men out there are visual creatures, and unfortunately a lot of them do prefer slim and toned body shapes. But I just think he's not going about things in a kind, supportive way. I think he expects me to eat salad all the time and go to spin classes everyday so I can drop all the weight within 3 months and look like a lingerie model for him. And what if I was to ever gain a bit of weight again further down the line, is he just going to end things again?!
Am I over reacting to be fed up with his behaviour?

[Hooo!]

so what you are saying is basically this:
you have met a boy who has had sex with you and then ended the relationship 5 times
then he tells you (nicely) that you are too fat for him
and then he bothers and bullies you into a diet

and you ask seriously if you are overreacting?

Seriously, just read what you have told us. Read your post and then ask yourself what the sensible thing would be?
What would you tell a person who wrote that?

Since the answer is so obvious im pretty sure you just dont know what you want.
So here is the real question:

What DO you want?

[Banana666]

Thanks for your reply. I guess I just cling on to the notion that things could be really good between us. But if he's upset me that many times in the first 6 months of our relationship which should be the honeymoon period, then I guess that answers everything I need to know.

[lovebroken]

No, what he said was rude, maybe he felt because he was being honest he didn't have to couch ( if that is the right word) his thoughts in a gentler way but it was thoughtless to your feelings nonetheless, imo. Is he God's gift to women that he can stand in judgement of you? if not, then mentally try to dismiss his comment from your mind for now, but watch his behaviors toward you and then decide if he is the right one for you now, or even after you are done your weight loss mission.

[TheEvilJester]

I fully agree with the others. How many red flags can this scumbag throw at you before you realize it? First, he toys with your heart and breaks up with you constantly only to then beg you back..... and then eventually break up with you again.

To be 100% honest with you, had it been just that, I'd be telling you to run a million miles away and forget he ever existed. ....But the more you tell us about this guy, the more I dislike him. I mean, listen, nobody can help who/what they do and do not find attractive. So, if he thinks you are/were a body type he doesn't find attractive, that's not wrong..... what is wrong is to then date you anyway and put you through all this turmoil. What is wrong is to use you... and make no mistake about it, that is exactly what he did.

Now, I do have respect for honest people. HONEST people, not a-holes. To me, there is a HUGE difference between somebody who is tactfully honest, even when brutal honesty may be necessary.... and somebody who's just an insensitive prick. People like that think they can be a-holes and just excuse it by saying "I'm just honest." No, you're not JUST honest, you are also an insufferable prick.

As for your body..... If you are happy with your body, then you shouldn't change for somebody else. Apparently you do WANT to change since you are dieting. Good for you, by the way, and you rock! But, do that FOR YOU, not for some insensitive creep who won't like you unless you lose weight. There are all different types of guys in this world. Plenty would find your body type much more attractive than the stereotypical skinny girl look. Some will find both equally attractive. So, don't stay with a guy who is probably only with you in hopes of what you may become. Be with a guy who loves you for who and what you are. A guy who will support you if you wish to lose weight, and equally support you if you are fine with your lifestyle as is. Within reason, of course. If you were being blatantly destructive to yourself, then nobody should support that. I don't get the impression you are, I'm just saying that as a qualifier.

Believe me, though, I understand how you are feeling. When you thought you had somebody special, it can be hard to let go of that. In cases like this, though, I think the important thing to realize is you aren't really clinging to him. You are clinging to the idea of who and what you thought he could be. Would you need to realize is that what and who you thought he was.... it turns out that isn't him after all. You won't find who you are looking for in him. The good news is, you CAN still find the right guy for you. You CAN still find everything you THOUGHT you saw in him.... but with somebody who actually DOES possess those traits, not somebody who just fakes it until they think they've hooked you.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

If you stay in a relationship because it should be different that is naive
If you stay in a relationship that will be continue to be better that is strong
Knowing the difference is of Lethani.

[melancholia]

You need to ask yourself why you don't believe you deserve better than this. It's only been 6 months and you've broken up 5 times and he is rude and not romantic or anything at all. You've set the bar low and he doesn't have to do anything to impress you or make you feel good about yourself, or about dating him. He is playing into your insecurities and he uses you when he wants, how he wants, and only when it is convenient to him. He doesn't care about how you feel or what you want or how is actions are affecting you. When someone likes you, they do not treat you like this. They just don't. They would never treat you differently based on how big or small you are if they actually like you for who you are. They don't tell you they've lost enthusiasm for you after the first time you sleep with them - that's a callous move that only super entitled assholes make.

You should tell everyone you are close to about this guy so they can help reinforce that you deserve better. Trust me when I say that being alone, without a romantic partner, is far better than being with someone who doesn't treat you right. If you break up with him now, you will have time to heal and move on and find someone new. Someone who respects you and treats you right and actually wants to be with you. Someone who genuinely likes you and doesn't just use you as a human sex toy whenever they want.

It will never get better than this. This is the expectation level of your relationship. If you are happy with the way things are and you want to fight with yourself and your partner about how he treats you and what you deserve, then go for it. But if you aren't happy, leave. Do not settle for this kind of treatment because it will only stay the same or get worse. That is a guarantee. People like him don't change. He will stay with you until he finds someone he thinks is better and then he will leave. You deserve to take some power back and leave him, simply because he isn't worthy of you, and you need to start believing that you are worthy of love and a good, happy, healthy relationship with someone else.

[dontaskme]

Do you have fear of being alone? Cause that's what it sounds like to me. You'd rather settle with a jackass than be alone. Not only is your BF shallow, he is also not in love with you. This is the most blunt response you will probably get from here. You're right, once you gain weight, he will leave you and the roller coaster will start swirling once again.

You're only into this relationship 6mos. Leave now, heal and find a man who will treat you better than this superficial donkey.

[TheEvilJester]

I'll add to that the fact that, as others have also pointed out, you'd honestly be much better off alone than you would be stuck in an abusive relationship like this. Believe me, I think we could all understand the feeling of being alone, and can understand not wanting that. Heck, the majority of us can even probably relate to being with the wrong person just because of that, and having to learn that lesson the hard way.

I think you've already had much more than you deserve of "the hard way." Even if you do not want to be alone (and that is okay) you'd still be much better off alone than to accept a relationship with a disrespectful person who only brings you pain. You deserve better. Even more than that, you deserve better from your own self than to allow that.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION]
While i wholeheartedly agree with what you have posted i want to add this:

this is obvious to her. She intellectually has to know that.
However her heart isnt into it.

If you tell it to her in a direct way like this, there is a chance that she will reject your plan of action.
I think you have found good words. However it doesnt matter how good your words are if the person emotinally doesnt want to believe you.

You have to make them conclude on their own the lesson you just wrote.

TL/DR I agree with your post, however telling a person to break up with another person usually does not have that effect.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, in fairness, my intention is never to TELL anybody what to do but rather to offer my thoughts and opinions on the matter and hope maybe it helps them in some way. I definitely agree with you that she likely knows this herself.... but I don't agree that being "direct" as you put it, would necessarily fall on deaf ears, or is necessarily the wrong approach. Quite the contrary, in fact, often times hearing people concur with the doubts you yourself are already wrestling with anyway can help you to realize that maybe you are right to be concerned.

When you "heart" and your "mind" are at odds, frankly trying to think things out logically CAN be the best approach. Regardless, I don't believe I ever once told her to break up with him. I may have suggested that is what I personally think she should do, I may have suggested that is what I would do were I her, but I did not and would not just outright tell her to break up with her fella. That is her decision, not mine.

Where I WOULD agree with you is if I, or anybody was just flat out TELLING her to break up with him. Loved ones often default to reactions like that. They mean best, but that doesn't really work. I don't think that is a fair summation of my advice, but if it could be construed that way, allow me to correct that notion. I did not now, nor do I ever, intend to TELL somebody what to do, merely to share with them my thoughts on their situation and what I myself would suggest.

[Hooo!]

right again. I very much like your posts.

If you "suggest" what people should or should not do (or what you would be doing in that situation) there is still the critical factor. A kind of barrier where suggestion can be judged.
You know this from personal experience: Someone tells you not to do it (because it really is bad for you) and you still love it - so you do it.


cognitive dissonance MAY lead people to disregard your suggestions.
However if you get them to conclude on their own (that what they are doing is bad for them AND additionally that they will very much like the different scenario) you will not run into the critical factor/cognitive dissonance.

The chance that people disregard your suggestion increases the more the answer to the problem is obvious. It usually means that people INTELECTUALLY (logically) know the answer already. However EMOTIONALLY they feel different about the topic.
90% of the time the emotions win. The other 10% is thinking about it logically and then changing your emotions about it. So then the emotions win again.
I have met noone who emotionally really wants one thing and logically wants the other thing and then goes with the logic side. Im not sure thats even possible.

That is why i personally have been very cautious not to run into cognitive dissonance if the answer is very obvious.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, again, I do agree with you in general. Again, and this could just be a difference of opinions, but I don't personally agree that applies here. If you go back and re-review the OPs post, she was even SPECIFICALLY asking for other people's opinions on the matter. To me, if somebody asks me that, I'm going to offer just that. It is up to them whether they really wanted that, or they just wanted somebody to sugar coat things and tell them everything is okay.

She also specifically said that she was torturing herself over not being sure if she was overreacting, or if she had a right to be upset. That tells me that, at least in part, she feels the way she is being treated is not okay. Reading her story, I agreed. I personally chose not to just dance around it in this case because I feel like this is one of those cases where she needs to hear somebody just tell it like it is. I personally wouldn't have felt right simply dancing around the topic.

You say it is better for her to come to the conclusion on her own. I agree with you.... but I think she somewhat already HAS.... it's just that she's of two minds on the issue, so to speak. On the one hand, she's decided the way she is being treated is not okay..... on the other hand she's decided part of her doesn't want to let go of him. I think that can be where honest, objective opinions can help.

Anyways, to be honest, this isn't really what is important here. Though, I do agree a respectful and constructive debate, so thank you for that. Too often that people cannot disagree without acting like it is offensive that the other person doesn't share their opinion. Too often that people cannot disagree without it degenerating into immature/inappropriate attacks. So, I always greatly enjoy a healthy, constructive discussion even when it involves somebody who disagrees with me.