Her health and weight problems are giving me pause. Am I selfish or superficial?

[ProfessorKino]

I'm 55, fit and healthy. A few weeks ago, I met a 52 y.o. woman I like more (behavior, demeanor, personality) than anyone I've met since my divorce in 2010. However, she has neglected her health and body. She has an attractive face and hair but she is significantly overweight and suffers from hypertension, diabetes, etc. I have an active lifestyle that we can't quite share until she does what she says she "needs to do": lose "30 pounds", change her diet, receive treatment. I am affectionate (hug/kiss/cuddle) but I'm not inclined to have sex because of her shape. Sometimes I feel I am falling in love with her but her feelings are clearly more intense and clear than mine. My idea right now is to keep the relationship at a simmer for as long as I can while she shows whether or not she's serious about her health and physical appearance. Am I being or acting selfish or superficial? Any comment, question, advice, etc. is appreciated. Thanks, Professor Kino.

[melancholia]

I think we all have an idea of the type of person we want to be with, and a lot of the time that includes physical appearance. It makes sense that you are not attracted to someone who doesn't take care of their body because that is an unattractive quality. She may have an amazing personality, and that's great, but the fact is you two have very different lifestyles and place personal health on different priority levels. It doesn't sound like you are being superficial, because I sense you are trying to get past the physical appearance issue, and you mentioned you do have feelings for her, so it doesn't sound like you're being a douche bag who only wants to date super models. However, how long are you willing to wait for her to "do what she needs to do"?

Have you ever tried helping her with any of this? Maybe cooking healthy meals together, or working out together? It could be a good idea to try being more active together because it could motivate her to live a healthier lifestyle. Maybe she doesn't have other people in her life who are healthy, and she needs some help to learn. Try and find out what types of physical activities she enjoys and suggest trying them together. Hiking or bike riding are great activities to try together, that you don't need a lot of skill to do, plus they are fun! Working out together and cooking healthy meals together is also a great way to bond. If you see the relationship going somewhere, it's worth a try to help motivate her into getting where she wants to be, physically.

Obviously, you can't do everything for her. She will have to take this into her own hands if she wants to achieve her health and wellness goals, but it might be a good idea to try and help her along the way. If that doesn't work, and she continually makes excuses and never seems to get motivated, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship and consider meeting someone who is better matched to your lifestyle.

[TheEvilJester]

ARGH! I am really growing to hate this website sometimes. I mean, I love it, but it sometimes is quite aggravating. I have to CONSTANTLY refresh so as not to get logged out.... so I highlight and copy everything I type.... click refresh.... paste, and then continue typing. I did so here after a fairly lengthy reply (such as I tend to do) and the copy didn't take. ARRRGH! Too enraged right now to be able to stomach re-typing the whole thing, so I maybe will go into greater detail again when I come back, however....

I think the very fact that you are even debating this shows that you are not superficial. If you were superficial, you wouldn't even have a second thought. I do understand how you feel. I myself often wrestle with similar feelings. I feel bad if a particular woman or type of woman doesn't strike me as attractive.

The thing is, though, we can't help who/what we do or do not find attractive. So, you're not wrong in that. The thing you have to decide is whether that is something you can look past with her, or if it would be too much of a deal breaker. Heck, if she wants to change, then you could be supportive of her in that and maybe she'd actually work towards the body image you find more attractive anyway. If she wishes to do that of her own accord anyway, then maybe that is different. But if she's happy with her body the way it is, or even maybe isn't but is happier accepting it then she is dieting/exercising to try to change it, then you can't force her to change. Nor should you want to anyway.

You deserve to be with somebody you find attractive. I think we all want that. But, she also deserves, just as much, to be with somebody who finds her attractive. So, if you don't and aren't sure you could you shouldn't try to force yourself. But, no, I don't think you are superficial. Heck, again, I don't even think you'd care enough to come here to ask us that if you were.

[melancholia]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION], if you click the "stay logged in" box when you login, it won't do that.

[pcmaster]

Yeah Jester wth just stay logged in. Im staying ligged in since 1893.

OP its amazing that you still look serious at girls shape even in 55. Then again it might be because you are still fit.
I dont think you should wait for her to change. I mean if you are not okay with her then dont change her but accept her as she is or leave her alone. Sure you might suggest weightWatchers to her. But also realise that girls gets bigger with age and its harder for them to stay the same weight.

However if you dont want to have sex Im sure sges willing to give you head. Big girls are used to that.

I like big girls. More to love. Gives shade in summer but warms up in winter.

Realize if she will lose weight then boobs will become smaller too.

[ProfessorKino]

Thanks melancholia. Sound advice. I'm going to try to help her get used to going to the gym by going with her the first few times. She has mentioned feeling self-conscious about going by herself. It may be a better idea to rent bicycles and go for a ride one day as you suggest. I am strictly a runner but she told me she'd rather bike than hike or run so I have to switch activities a bit to help her out. I noticed how in our conversation today she went out of her way to mention that she ate a healthy meal (it's clear to me her diet is normally high in sugars and fats but that she knows it has to change). It is a very different relationship than I've had in the past because we have different political affiliation, religion, social class, education, and life experience, and that may be part of the great interest in each other. I don't want to cause unnecessary hurt so I'm trying to tread softly and take it very slow (to her chagrin) because I am still not sure if the physical attraction will increase sufficiently. It's complicated. I'm willing to wait and be patient if she shows evidence pretty soon that she means what she says about her wellness and fitness.

[ProfessorKino]

Sorry you lost some text and thanks for the great response. She seems unhappy and self-conscious about her figure, not at all happy. I don't want to force anything, but I will encourage better food choices, bicycling, and going to the gym and let her respond and show she's truly motivated. I agree now that I'm not being selfish or superficial. I won't go on a guilt trip over this. Thanks.

[lovebroken]

We all like what and who we like, sometimes it's hard to get away from what your ideal has been set up to be. If concerned about her health then talk to her about it, but if it is just you don't want a relationship because she is too big for you, then maybe find a woman more to the size you prefer. It is hard to lose weight for some and she has other issues involved as you said from that weight so it may make it harder for her to work out and keep up with you. Takes, change of diet, exercising and desire to change.

[melancholia]

I think it's great you want to help encourage her healthier lifestyle by going to the gym with her and helping her with food choices. When you are stuck eating a certain way or never exercising, it can be really overwhelming to try and change everything at the same time. She can start by making smaller changes at first, like cutting out sugar and processed foods from her diet and replacing them with fresh fruits and veggies. Maybe she doesn't have many ideas of healthy recipes that taste good, because most of us are conditioned to think healthy food doesn't taste as good, which is bullsh!t. I am sure she does feel some pressure to get in shape considering you describe yourself as physically fit and seem to be well versed in healthy living and she may feel somewhat intimidated by that.

Hopefully it works out and you two can start exploring a healthy lifestyle together. What a fantastic way to bond!

[TheEvilJester]

In the end, I think I mostly got out what I wanted to say, just in a more succinct manner. So, it worked out, I guess, though I do prefer to be a little more verbose. I guess I'm kind of a story teller at heart, so I tend not to like to just be very matter of fact in my advice, but more so to illustrate with examples and context. When appropriate, I will also toss in some of my own life experience if it is relevant.

Anyway, it seems the others responding all seem to share my sentiment on this. If you were superficial, it seems unlikely you'd even be pondering that question in the first place. You'd just "next" her in an instant and you wouldn't even be considering a relationship with her. Or, heck, like a lot of other men, you'd have just tried to get what you want out of her and then disappear. "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am." But, that's not you. Kudos to you, good sir. Too few gentleman left in this world.

Now, to some degree it does sound like she wants to change anyway, regardless of you. So, if you feel you would like to give her that chance (and it sounds as though you do) then perhaps you do just that. It shouldn't be your goal to lead her on, but if you truly do feel there might be something special between you two and truly feel you'd like to possibly explore it, then you are not leading her on at all. To lead her on would be to KNOW you are not interested in her.... but to continue to pursue the relationship anyway just to get something out of it and then ditch her later. That is not what you are doing.

All the same, losing weight can be hard, especially the older we get. So, you have to take into account that it may be a long, difficult process for her and there is the possibility she may not ultimately succeed. If you don't feel you could find her attractive if she does not succeed then that is something to take into account.

As PC has illustrated, some guys DO find her body type attractive. So, if she tries but is unable to change, she deserves somebody who will find her attractive.... but you also deserve somebody you find attractive. And, heck, maybe you'll find that you develop an attraction to her anyway, and then that is great. But, you shouldn't feel bad for desires you can't control, and who and what you do and do not find attractive is definitely one of those things we cannot control

[pcmaster]

Just wanted to say that you are shallow after all. If you dont want her at her worst, you dont deserve her at her worst.

Anyway shes gona be ok without you too. Big girls been getting more sex than skinny ones these days. Really lot of guys have fetish for BBW.

[Hooo!]

if you enjoy her company why not do so while doing what you like
or maybe cooking together or helping her along with dieting/sport?
If you dont want to be with her relationshipwise i dont see whats wrong with being friends with "open options" for a while?

if you want and are at that stage maybe you could even talk to her about it - how she intrigues you and you think she has a cute face and the like but you really are (at this point in time) not really physically attracted to her but rather more mentally. I dont know if that helps or if not.

[MartinOhm]

Hello ProfessorKino! First of all I have to say that despite you are older than me, I am sure you are in better shape than myself lol. First of all, I would say why would you want to be with a woman like that? I would say an athletic woman is better suited than you. Yet you seem to care for her due to "kind" reasons, despite you do no find her sexually attractive.

Look, I am not sure what to say on this. Many throughout the ages have said that love is more than looks, attractiveness and beauty. And while I do not know her life story; you are right, she does need to change her habits in order to have a healthier lifestyle despite nothing can be done on both her hypertension and diabetes. Now, as we see you are a health professional, be aware that it is probably you won´t see change overnight or soon as maybe she does not have the body type nor generics to get in shape soon (it is possible, I have met bodybuilders with diabetes 1), but you also have to consider if she is capable of doing the hard workouts she needs to be in shape. Like everyone says her, it is a good start for her to eat healthier foods and if a bicycle helps her then good. I myself am trying to get in shape, even more since my mother died of cancer and she was never a person in shape (yet I see other people in shape, again bodybuilders who die of cancer...), and while many see me as a burly guy lol I am weaker than a mouse.

So I do not know, either leave her and look for someone else or be with her and give her your patient support to get her in shape. I repeat, be patient on her. BTW not sure if you have seen Bigger Stronger Faster by Chris Bell?