Intellectual, but confused Tinder date no longer calls...

[ThousandViolins]

Hello, everyone. I have decided to join this forum and directly post here, since for some strange reason I really find this experience to be important for me. Nice meeting you, everyone. Sorry for the long read, you may go to tl;dr directly..

I recently installed Tinder -- because I like to experience everything that does not hurt me in this life --. I met this 20 year old girl, philosophy student, with a ridiculous amount of Classical Music knowledge, philosophy (of course), literature, art and so on... My mind was blown, since I also consider myself quite dedicate to these interests, but she seemed to know more... me, being 26 years old. However, at first, she called using hidden number due to privacy issues and after showing her real number we kind of made it a custom for her to call.

We first started talking on the phone. 4 hours the first night, then 3, until the very third one, she decided to actually invite me over. For hours we discussed music and she kept playing classical compositions, anticipating the movements and laughing with such an amazing joy whenever her favorite parts were in. I was so amazed, I felt like a brute just standing there. Anyway, we go to sleep and then it happens... we both had amazing moments. We went to sleep embracing each other, with only 1:30 hours left for me before going to work.

Next day she turned almost 180 degrees. She became much colder, she barely kissed me, but aside from that, she talked normally. She called me a taxi, event wanted to pay me for it, then said that I should not expect a relationship, since she does not know exactly what she wants. I was fine with that, who expects relationships after one night only? But still, her cold behavior was unjustified. As she was waking up, I was caressing her, embracing her, making sure she does not wake up too sudden or anything... basically, I was a good guy (which is not recommended after a one night stand usually) and this seemed to make her even colder. I always show affection, even though it is just sex. She is not a piece of meat, she is a human being with soul.

The whole day she does not call. The second one I message her asking about her work day, she replies that she is busy, but calls me in the evening to say that she wants to no longer keep in touch. When I ask her why, she started telling me about how her ex boyfriends demoralized her, crushed her optimism, dreams, rational approaches in solving problems, basically rendering her a nihilist who consumes wine and beer every other day, despite her being conscious of this. She feels that by doing a one night stand she risks returning to her old ways of doing crazy things. (what?!). She had no other sexual contact in the last year and only keeps two best female friends around. She also turned me about some drug consumption at 17, due to entourage and a break-up. I have managed to turn this conversation into one of our 3 hours one, with my completely empathizing with her thoughts, since at 20 I was like that too. In fact, I have been a late-bloomer, so I had much more time of making mistakes, being pessimistic etc. From the guy who enjoyed darkness I turned into a team lead who dances, plays the violin, goes to the gym everyday and is enjoying life at its fullest, concentrating only on the good things! I tried to explain her my approach.

Things seemed fine, she said how she would want to sleep with me again, how she likes talking to me etc, but that she feels too unsure, unavailable, even considering getting back to her ex with whom she did not even have a proper relationship, but basically fed off her energy for 2 years. 3 days ago she called again, telling me we will see each other again these days and that she will call next day again. However, this is the third consecutive day since then and no sign from her. There were a couple of days when she did not call, but that was when she was sick and heard that her troublesome brother wanted to stay at her place after leaving his gf pregnant (troubled family actually...)

Should I attempt to call her tomorrow and simply finish off by phone, as... adults, or just sail away since she would obviously keep me down with her self-destructive behavior or thoughts? I take anything as an excuse except the fact that she feels something is wrong with her. In the meantime I already have another date soon, but I felt like there was great potential and I am not the kind to miss opportunities of self-development, transcendental feelings or anything profoundly spiritual so I want to be sure it is 100% over first.

tl;dr: Because of her past insecurities and because she feels something is wrong with her, she no longer wants to keep contact after her first one night stand ever.

[Hooo!]

feels like she really is a freak in bed and didnt expect flower sex for one part. Confused by the beauty of it on the one side - confused as to the non domination on the other side which lacks on the other side (i can literally imagine how the brain storm is going on about that)

Also feels like (additionally) she knows to the fullest extend what will happen if she is hurt again and she has been avoiding that to a very high degree obviously.
And then there is this guy caressing her CAREFULLY after sex? What is she getting into here?

If i were you I would discuss this topic with her. You know she has been hurt in the past. If she thinks that this is enough reason to barricade herself in for the rest of your life that is fine. If not SHE can reach out to you and you will help her leaving that barricade of hers.
Be carefull with that. And be careful in the future. If I am right with this you have gotten yourself a very hurt person. You have the power to help her heal herself OR if you end it bad - you have the power to destroy a person.
Please respect her, but also please do not puppy her or treat her like a little girl. She is adult. She shouldve been able to love and trust again on her own. You can guide her a little and help her a little. But only she can decide if she wants to do it. You can decide how much of shit like this now you want to take for this relationship.
Id personally make it clear that IF she wants all that - that is fine, but it also means she gotta trust you a little and voice her doubts aloud to you.

Id not like people flaking on me like that. thats bullshit behavior. No matter why.


Sorry for the rather unstructured and confused post. I hope you can extract what i wanted to tell you.

[whlam66]

Well, I think you should just move to another date. It's okay that you wanna be friends with her and help her change coz I think that she will understand what you have done for her if you do so. But after a while, if she is still the same, she might be uninterested or whatsoever. As a girl, if she wants you not to contact her, then don't. Really. She will find you when she wants you.