Moving in Together: when to discuss it-a novel

[NinaDreams]

I'll try to condense this

My boyfriend is almost 10 years older than I am: he's 43 and I'm 34.

Years ago (around 4 years ago) he was engaged to a woman for about a year and she left him for another man. It was devastating for him, involving addiction, cheating, and the destruction of his relationship with her children (she had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and he became close to them).

In fall 2015, almost 2 years after their break up, we began dating. At first, he seemed thrilled and couldn't get enough of us. He told me several times that he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have found me after all he'd been through with his failed engagement.

We initially dated for a total of 6 months. He ended up withdrawing emotionally, the relationship brakes were hit, and our relationship stalled. I was starting to feel hurt, as I had fallen in love with him and could feel that he was pulling away. He broke it off with me (one year ago this week actually) in tears, saying he felt emotionally ruined from his past relationship and didn't want to risk hurting me because he just wasn't feeling as strongly as I was. I let him go. I was beyond emotional, but I respected his decision. I didn't text. I didn't call. I didn't email.

Sporadically over the summer, he would text me. As the months went on, I was learning to just let it go and figured the next time he texted me, I would tell him to just leave me be: that I had no interest in just being friends with someone I loved romantically.

In August, after we'd been broken up for around 6 months, he contacted me wanting to meet up. I agreed, and we spent hours and hours talking. He told me how he'd made a mistake and realized it. He said I was the first person he'd dated after his failed engagement, and that he admitted that he wasn't ready for serious commitment when I was. He said he dated a little while we were apart, but that every date turned into a comparison of me and I was all he ended up thinking about. He said he wanted to try again, he'd taken me for granted, and promised he'd never hurt me again.

I agreed to give him another chance. Within a month, I found myself unexpectedly and very accidentally pregnant.

When I broke the news to him, he was supportive and calm and told me he supported whatever I wanted to do. I chose termination, as I've never wanted children, and neither of us have. If you're anti-choice, I ask that you spare your judgment and don't bother responding please. I do not want lectures or religious speeches regarding my personal situation.

I went through the termination alone. I sort of requested that it be that way. It was an emotional rollercoaster that made me only care about him more deeply.

We've now been back together 6 months, in addition to the 6 months previous that we were together. Granted, there was a large gap/break in between.

I'm feeling myself wanting more commitment and I don't know if I'm moving too fast or being too greedy of his time. I only see him 3 nights a week, if I'm lucky. He lives about 20 minutes away from me, and 98% of the time, I'm driving to see him. It's more than worth it, but I'm starting to get tired from the running and finding myself missing him a lot.

He's recently redone his living room, and has mentioned how he loves his place and has no plans to ever leave it. It's small, and there's not really any comfortable way both of us could live there. I don't know if I should take that as a hint.

I'm trying to get a sense of whether or not I should wait and let him bring this up. 6 months back together really isn't that long after a 6 month break and maybe I'm just being greedy. Also though, I feel after everything we've been through, 2-3 nights a week isn't enough for me and I don't think it's selfish to expect more.

i'm just looking for any thoughts anyone can provide

[melancholia]

What does "more commitment" mean to you? Is that specifically moving in together, engagement, plans to get married, etc.? 3 nights per week is quite often, and normal for a relationship of 6 months to a year (if you include the 6 months you were together previously). Have you two ever discussed living together in the future? Do you discuss the seriousness of your relationship at all, or is it more "go with the flow"? If you haven't ever talked about it, now is the time to start. Don't try making any plans until you've talked to him about how you feel and what you're thinking. What are your expectations in this relationship? Do you know what his are? If not, you need to find out before you make any kind of proposal to move in together or reach any sort of further "commitment" with each other.

Personally, I think 6 months is not enough time to consider moving in together, but that's my opinion I've formed from previous experience. I know people who have moved in together around that stage, or earlier, and it's worked for them; but again, it all comes down to adequate communication. If you can't talk to your partner about these things, that is a really bad sign. It means you aren't comfortable telling that person what your needs are, and you're actually being dishonest with them and yourself if you hide how you are feeling.

Talk to him about his feelings, thoughts, and expectations and see what he says. I would start a discussion about taking turns driving to one another's house so you don't feel like it's you doing all the work. Tell him how you feel and what you want and try to come up with realistic timelines of when you want these things by. If you two are not on the same page, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship because there is no point in waiting around for another person to get on your level, because that time may never come. However, maybe he's closer to the idea of moving things forward than you might think. You'll never know unless you talk to him.

[Hooo!]

you are 34 and normally thats an age where women find that their "clock is ticking"
i know you have heard the term
wether or not that is the case with you, i dont see what stops you from discussing this with him.
And i dont mean the "move in topic". I mean the fact that you are insecure if you are too greedy for wanting it
and not knowing how and if to bring it up?
Also possibly your tendencies of future plans together.

It usually helps and at one point in a functioning relationship becomes absolutely necessary when you just sit together and spin some easy ideas of how your futures will be.
If you do not discuss this at some point it could be that a) you both wanted the same thing anyway and just go for it or b) (bigger chance) that you have expectations that at least one of you doesnt meet and maybe never will.

It doesnt have to be a really serious talk or something, its just talking about what you two want out of life in the future in a positive way.