her ex-boyfriend: i have no shot...i'm doomed...

[celerystalksme]

i just need to type...just to type...

so...i am crazy about this girl i met 3-4 months ago. at the time i met her, she very recently ended a 3-4 year relationship with a guy she thought she was going to marry. when we met...i TOTALLY fell for her within the first 10 times of spending time together, as friends. it seemed like she epotomized everything i could ever wish for in another person.

at the time, i thought i'd be fine to just spend time together just platonically as it seemed she was clearly not over her ex-boyfriend (very understandable, obviously). i figured at some point i would get some sort of sense that she's ready to move on, that it's behind her, and i could pursue a romantic relationship with her. (this may have been my fatal error, right from the start...i mean, come on, does friends to couples REALLY work? usually not.)

in the last few months, we really have built a very real friendship...i cherish our friendship...i consider her one of my very best, very closest, most trusted and beloved friends. i'd do anything for her and i'd like to believe she'd do anything for me...the way best friends should be to eachother. we can talk for hours upon hours, day after day, about everything under the sun...it never gets boring or old...we talk about everything, we contemplate serious issues, we laugh, we have fun, non-stop...

and every once in a while, something will slip that makes me know she might be open to something more...she'd say, "you're too good to be true"..."you're prefect"..."i can't remember a time in my life when i've had so much fun as when i'm with you". and that gets me so elated!!!! i soar! i'd return the compliment in kind, very honestly, very simply. and i'd think to myself, "maybe she's moved on at last...maybe we can take things beyond our friendship now."

but then...it always seemed like an hour later or a day later or very soon after those little moments, she'd come back at me with stuff about her ex..."i think i still love him"..."i think he still loves me"..."i miss the way he used to hold me"...and other stuff that just destroys me. and then i'd think, "nope...not yet. i can't compete with that. i'd just be compared to something i can't compete with in her mind."

but she's perfect for me...and i'm patient...so i wait...

now skip to 3 weeks ago. we were hanging out by ourselves, just at her place. that particular day was her ex's birthday. she pitched in with a couple of his friends to get him a birthday present and also got him something else on her own. but she didn't want to go celebrate his birthday with him and friends. he and all his friends went to the bar to get wasted. well, the ex calls around midnight and says that he got wasted...got into a fight...got kicked out of the bar...stumbled home and locked himself out of his apartment. he asks for her help to open his place with a spare key (they used to live togehter) and if she could come and help him out. she was pretty upset that she had to deal with her ex's stupid crap...but she can't let him stand outside drunk...so we say goodnight and part ways.

couple days later she tells me what really happened. he wasn't drunk...he didn't get into a fight...he wasn't kicked out of the bar...and he wasn't locked out of his apartment. he made up the story to get her to come over...he knew it was the only way she'd come over cuz she's been trying to distance herself from him at least a little bit. after she went over there...he tried to win her back...confessing that he still loves her, that he'll change, that he wants to become a better person, and wants to go to college, that he'd like help from her meeting with a college advisor to see what he has to do, that he was wrong in the past and will treat her better, that he hasn't done any drugs in months, and blah blah blah blah...that he's still completely in love with her...

so i'm like, "what did you say? what are you going to do?"

she says, "i told him that i'm glad he's trying to get his life back together...and that he should keep doing that regardless of me."

i asked her, "what about his pleas to take him back."

she says, "i told him we'll see."

i felt like i was falling from the sky...

she was so steadfast about trying to get over him before this time...she was adamant that she'd find a way to get over him, even if it seemed like she was not doing a very good job of it in the time that i have known her. at least she said she wanted to leave him in the past. but now...she admits to feelings of ambivalence. she tells me she just doesn't know what to do. and she tells me she really doesn't want to talk about it or think about it right now.

i spoke to a mutual friends...the friend tells me that in the past couple weeks, he's been really trying very hard. bringing her flowers and dinner to work...trying to dote on her. he has invited her to shakespeare plays and and what not (he doesn't strike me as a cultural guy), trying to spend time with her and just talk, trying to spend time with mutual friends doing stuff, etc. all her friends are telling her don't give him another chance...don't take him back...that it won't work, he's not changed, he's desparate...that he's not good enough for her...that once they're back together, he'll belittle her again, ignore her again, treat her like crap, go back to drugs, get wasted every other nite, etc. the friend tells me she just responds by saying, "but he's being so nice right now..."

apparently, she's going out with a group of people for dinner tonight for sweetest day. i think her ex is going to be in that group. i now know from her friend that she hides details from me know regarding her ex. i always felt that she has never hidden anything before.

i wish i didn't work tonight...

i don't know what to do. i feel like there's ZERO HOPE for me and her. but i feel like she's worth fighting for. i have NEVER fought for anyone in my life. if i got the feeling that a girl was interested in someone else, i let her go...i'd wash my hands of her..."her loss", i'd say...just not worth fighting for.

but this is different. she's the most amazing, most wonderful person i have every had the pleasure to meet and befriend. and i really think there could be something special between us if only we'd give it a chance. so even though i'm DOOMED to failure...i'm just gonna finally lay myself out there.

last time we spoke, she said she'd try to give me a call today just to talk for a bit. but i doubt she'll call...her schedules crazy today and i fear she'll have her ex on her mind in the precious few moments she'll have free today. we're supposed to get together on monday. monday is my D-Day...i'm gonna lay my heart bare, leave nothing unsaid, just lay it all out there.

i know the outcome already...she's still in love with her ex...an desparately wants to believe he has changed. he's sweeping her off her feet all over again, just like when they met years ago. he commands the most attention in her mind...he has her ear...his voice speaks most loudly to her. he is a far higher priority than i am...he's more imporant. i know i have already lost...i know it's hopeless...i know that all i'm really doing is laying myself down on the train tracks to let the train roll over me...

but i have to say something...i have to say i at least tried something, anything, no matter how futile. maybe it's too little...maybe it's too late...maybe there was no hope from the very start...

i hear miracles happen...i'd love to see one miracle before my time on this earth comes to an end...

[celerystalksme]

but i'm terrified...

yes, of course i feel some dread and anxiety about my inevitable shoot-down...to take my place as someone that's not good enough for her in a long line of guys she's turned down...

but i'm more terrified of our friendship. i wasn't kidding when i said earlier that i consider her one of my very dearest friends. it's not some bs from some schmaltzy movie or book. romantic rejection would hurt me deeply...but if because of what i say i sour our friendship, i would die...

and yet i think i wanna risk it. is that foolish? am i being dumb?

*sigh*

[Lloyd95]

Cliff notes?

[celerystalksme]

Cliff notes?

me crazy about girl. girl still not over ex. ex recently trying to make amends and win her back. ex is winning. i'm losing. so i'm gonna lay my heart bare knowing full well i'm gonna get destroyed. but my biggest fear is that i'll sour our friendship.

monday is my d-day...

i was just babbling for my own benefit...

[Debunkt]

I have to say, I think you're going to do the right thing. You are the only one who knows what's more important to you. Giving it your all to become her boyfriend at the risk of losing a friendship? Or sitting back as a friend and watching some guy possibly walk all over her? I'd say going after her is worth the risk. I would hope that she wouldn't friend-dump you, even if she decides she wants nothing romantic with you. It obviously means you care about her and you want to see whats best for her, and those are qualities she should definitely want in a best friend as well as a boyfriend. I also think you're most worried about getting destroyed because you think all she thinks about is the ex. But it doesn't seem like you've entered yourself into her mind as a potential mate; doesn't seem like you've attempted to honestly display your TRUE feelings and given her yourself as an honest choice in her mind. Do this, and I think it will make her think a lot longer and harder about going back to her ex.

[Vanilla Gilr]

I agree mostly with Debunkt...I too think you've been doing the friend thing maybe too well...(and that's not a bad thing)...but she may have no clue that you could want something else...however...I would go about laying it on the line a bit different. Instead of pouring your heart out and maybe getting crushed or making your friendship weird...work into the conversation...did you ever wonder what it would be like if you and I were a couple? (or some such similiar thing...ie...had a dream we were dating...your problems would be solved if you dumped him and we went out)...if you say it lightly...you can get a feel of where her head might be about it...you won't scare her off...and you'll plant a seed of thought.

And by the way...my man was my best friend before we ever went out...it can work...and when it does..it is amazing.

[Tone]

Damn, you suckered me in. Usually I wouldn't read a problem that long from a brand new member, but I just started readin and didn't check how long it was first, and your story kept me interested.

I think your biggest problem was letting things fall into the "friend zone" which it is very hard to recover from... The best way to get over someone, is to find someone new. You should have been that person, you shouldn't have been walkin on egg shells around her, especially after a few months of being single. One thing you need to (and now will) understand about 'girls' is that the GOOD ONES are not going to be single long. So if you meet one that is, you can't sit around and piddle paddle around and wait for the perfect moment to present itself - you have to create it. Opportunities do not come around everyday, so when they do - you have to take advantage.

Now - usually I'm the first one to say "The past is the past, nothing can be done, move on and learn from it." So the ONLY reason I'm bringin up your error is so that you CAN learn and not let it happen again.

What I would suggest you to do now... I think you're doing about the only thing you really can to have a chance. Tell her before things get too deep with her and the ex. Just be honest, be sincere, and be confident. And good luck.

[funkybuddha]

Lay it all out man. Like Debunkt says...you're doing the right thing. You know she's worth fighting for..and the opportunity is now. Good luck!