Did I make the right decision?

[moviegirl519]

I just dumped a really great guy, who's been one of my best friends for over a year, to take another chance with my ex.

You're probably already judging me for this and thinking that I'm making a stupid naive choice. I haven't told most of my friends (who are mutual friends with the two of us) but I'm sure they'll think the same thing. I guess some background would be good:

I'm a current sophomore in college. Last summer I started talking to this guy that I knew through extracurriculars - we really hit it off, talked almost every night, realized that we had mutual romantic feelings for each other. We decided to try having a relationship even though the following semester (last semester) he was studying abroad. So all of last semester was a weird, semi-official long-distance relationship. It was hard for me because I really liked him, we had a lot of things in common, the few times I did visit him was amazing. But he was also dealing with a lot of mental health problems which made him often emotionally unavailable and unwilling to commit to having anything this spring once he came back to school. Eventually, after not being in touch for a few weeks, he told me that he needed to figure his life out and wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore. This came as a bit of a shock to me and I was very upset for the remainder of the holidays. When this spring semester started I felt like I was finally starting to get over him. This was also complicated by the fact that the guy I just dumped, one of my best friends at the time, was obviously romantically interested in me. He is a great guy, very sweet and loyal and probably more than I deserve. A month into the semester we went on a date and I decided to give it a try since I thought I was over my ex. The sex was good, I still felt like he's one of my best friends, I certainly had a few doubts since I didn't want to ruin our friendship if it didn't work out, but I decided to take that risk.

Meanwhile, my ex came back from abroad and I still saw him a lot since we're in the same extracurricular clubs and we share a lot of mutual friends. I thought that we were all over the relationship and fine with being friends. However, last week he confessed to me that he still has a lot of feelings for me, that he was going through a really rough time in his life when he broke up with me, and that he is doing better, regrets it, and wants to get back together. After talking to him and some people who know both of us, I think that he genuinely means this and really wants to put in the effort to try again.

Ever since this, I couldn't stop thinking about him and what we could have had. Even though the long-distance relationship had its ups and downs, we had so much in common and I feel like we were really compatible and could honestly have a good relationship if we started over.

I'm just feeling so guilty about breaking up with my best friend since I don't have a great reason, he's done nothing wrong and he's been nothing but sweet and great and he really likes me and wants this to work out and since he doesn't know much about my ex except the negative stuff I sometimes told him last semester, he just doesn't understand. I know nobody feels sure about relationships in the beginning, but I've just been feeling less and less sure about whether I actually want to date him versus going back to how we were just as great friends and I feel like this will only get worse with time. I realize that it'll be almost impossible to stay close friends, and it's too late now but I find myself wishing that I'd taken the time to think about this more and not risk our friendship on this chance of dating.

I know nobody can ever tell which guy would work out better or if I'll regret breaking up with my friend to take a chance on my ex, but any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.

[MartinOhm]

Sadly I do agree with you on what you did to your best friend/bf was bad. Since it seemed you had already moved on from your ex and had a good steady relationship. Honestly I can´t see a a good way out from this. Are you at least in a good relationship with your original bf?

[melancholia]

If you have to ask other people if you made the right choice, chances are you didn't. I think you should take your time to be single right now, because if you really wanted to be with one of these guys, you wouldn't feel as confused about the decision as you are right now. I understand feeling the pull to go back to an ex, especially if it didn't end badly, but how do you know he's not going to turn and run if things get hard between you two? I agree you probably should have weighed the decision about your best friend before getting involved with him, but the fact is you didn't, and you can't take that back. You need to talk to him about how you feel. And your ex. Tell them you're confused and you need time to sort out your feelings before you make a decision because you don't want to hurt anybody. Then take some time to do some soul searching and figure out what you really want, and then go from there.

[richiro]

if you were to think husband and father of my kids.. which of the 2 comes to mind?

[Hooo!]

I know nobody can ever tell which guy would work out better or if I'll regret breaking up with my friend to take a chance on my ex, but any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.

Do you really want to think about it anymore, or do you just want someone to tell you you are right and absolutely did the right thing?
I think its the latter.

[TheEvilJester]

In a case like this, I don't think there IS a right or wrong thing. Would the "right thing" be to leave a great guy like you did for a chance at rekindling a relationship that already didn't work? Or would the right thing be to remain with a great guy when your heart is sort of not really fully in it and part of you is thinking of another guy? As you can see, neither of those are really great options. Yeah, on the one hand it does stink that this resulted in you hurting the guy who started as your friend....

But on the other hand, it would have been worse to stay with him but secretly have doubts about whether you should be with the other fella. You say he's a good guy, so doesn't he deserve somebody who has their full heart in the relationship? So, there isn't really a right thing in this situation as there is more so a "less wrong thing." I think you maybe did the less wrong thing, so to speak, but it honestly still remains to be seen whether getting back with your ex was a good idea.

As a general rule of thumb, my personal opinion is usually that your ex is your ex for a reason and it rarely makes sense to try again. This may not necessarily be one of those cases, though. In this case, it sounds like it was more circumstantial stuff that broke you up and not necessarily any actual problems between you two. So, that is one case where MAYBE it actually could work out..... but it still may not. Like the others, I think I agree that your best bet probably would have been to choose neither of them for right now and instead focus on you. In time, with some time to think and heal, maybe you could decide to pursue one or the other, or maybe you'd decide just to move on and look for somebody new.

As it is, it is too late for that advice now, so I would just wish you the best of luck. I don't get the impression you did any of this maliciously. Sometimes S just happens, so to speak. It's too late now to worry if you made the right choice. For now, just explore the choice you made (i.e. your ex) and see how that goes. Don't go into it pondering if the other guy was right for you.... go into it as you would any relationship, trying to get to know each other and learn if HE is the right guy for you. If you decide you two are not right for each other, decide it because you two are not right for each other, not because you have another guy waiting.

Good luck to you either way. Not an easy decision you have, so I hope it works out for the best for everybody.

[pcmaster]

By the first sentence you wrote it seems like you didnt the right thing. But then again if you cant choose then you really dont love any of them so it dont matter that much. Do what you like.