He needs some alone time. What does it mean??

[lovemenot]

I posted this before in another forum, but I just hope to hear more opinions from you guys.

What does it usually mean if a guy says he needs some time alone?
We got couple days off studying since wednesday and got into a bit of a fight and he said "I think we should rest from each other a bit and I just need some time to be alone and think everything through and lets meet up Monday and talk".

To me that's breaking up. And I feel horrible. And whenever I start thinking about what he might say on Monday I get sick and nauseated...
But what is that really? Do we still have a chance? Or is it more likely he really wants to break up and just tried to let me down easy?

-------------------------

Here's the whole (shortened) version of this:

I think I got dumped. For the first time ever (until now I was always the one ending the relationship). Yesterday.

I say "I think" because he said he needs some time alone to process everything. He then wrote me a long long letter, which to sum up is like this:

1. There has been a lot of changes in his life recently and in mine too, but fewer. And it's a lot for him to handle right now, so he said he needs at least some time alone to think things trough.

2. He also has some doubts about me and he said he is afraid to put the effort and time and get hurt in the end. And this is because when we started seeing each other about six weeks ago we were both basically cheating on our partners (we were both in relationships with other people). And I totally understand him, because I have same fears about him. Well I HAD them, now the fear became the reality and I am deeply hurt.

3. he is also a complicated guy and a bit depressive and he said that all the changes (new studies/ moved back in with his parents, due to low scholarship/ left his gf after 3 years together, 2 of which they lived together/ started a new relationship with me) all happened so quickly that only now he started to realize everything what happened.

4.And also that he feels worse and worse everyday about what he did to his ex. He said she spend 3 years of her life with him and sacrificed so much and he treated her so horribly (basically cheated on her, though we weren't intimate until we broke off our previous relationships) and that he broke her heart and hurt her terribly and he blames himself for that a lot and feels really shitty about himself now and because of that he treats me worse and worse...

5. also he wrote that he is thinking way too much about me and our relationship and isn't thinking at all about studying, which is extremely important at this stage of his life, because he is basically changing his careers and a lot of the future depends on these studies. And he blames himself for spending too much time thinking about us and not focusing on studying..

I then wrote him a very long letter back explaining how I was also trying to protect myself from being hurt and explaining how I really feel about him and our relationship and I spilled everything, which he thanked me for and said he didn't even realize before how strongly I feel about him. But he still needs at least some time alone..

We are meeting up on monday again (we are studying together) and should talk about all this. And I am scared to death of what he might say..

Do you guys think there is still a chance to save our relationship or does all of this sound too much and I shouldn't hope for anything..? Cuz i can't think clearly at all..

[Hooo!]

if a man says he needs time to think
he needs time to think
if a girl says she needs time to think
then it means leave me alone i cant say no, but what i really mean is no
if a man says he wants to talk then he wants to talk and let you know what he thinks, whats to know what you think and discuss it
if a woman says she wants to talk - RUUUUNNNNN!!!! (just kidding). But nevertheless usually it means you are in big trouble.

im out for the weekend. hope all goes well.

[shrah25]

I posted this before in another forum, but I just hope to hear more opinions from you guys.

What does it usually mean if a guy says he needs some time alone?
We got couple days off studying since wednesday and got into a bit of a fight and he said "I think we should rest from each other a bit and I just need some time to be alone and think everything through and lets meet up Monday and talk".

To me that's breaking up. And I feel horrible. And whenever I start thinking about what he might say on Monday I get sick and nauseated...
But what is that really? Do we still have a chance? Or is it more likely he really wants to break up and just tried to let me down easy?

-------------------------

Here's the whole (shortened) version of this:

I think I got dumped. For the first time ever (until now I was always the one ending the relationship). Yesterday.

I say "I think" because he said he needs some time alone to process everything. He then wrote me a long long letter, which to sum up is like this:

1. There has been a lot of changes in his life recently and in mine too, but fewer. And it's a lot for him to handle right now, so he said he needs at least some time alone to think things trough.

2. He also has some doubts about me and he said he is afraid to put the effort and time and get hurt in the end. And this is because when we started seeing each other about six weeks ago we were both basically cheating on our partners (we were both in relationships with other people). And I totally understand him, because I have same fears about him. Well I HAD them, now the fear became the reality and I am deeply hurt.

3. he is also a complicated guy and a bit depressive and he said that all the changes (new studies/ moved back in with his parents, due to low scholarship/ left his gf after 3 years together, 2 of which they lived together/ started a new relationship with me) all happened so quickly that only now he started to realize everything what happened.

4.And also that he feels worse and worse everyday about what he did to his ex. He said she spend 3 years of her life with him and sacrificed so much and he treated her so horribly (basically cheated on her, though we weren't intimate until we broke off our previous relationships) and that he broke her heart and hurt her terribly and he blames himself for that a lot and feels really shitty about himself now and because of that he treats me worse and worse...

5. also he wrote that he is thinking way too much about me and our relationship and isn't thinking at all about studying, which is extremely important at this stage of his life, because he is basically changing his careers and a lot of the future depends on these studies. And he blames himself for spending too much time thinking about us and not focusing on studying..

I then wrote him a very long letter back explaining how I was also trying to protect myself from being hurt and explaining how I really feel about him and our relationship and I spilled everything, which he thanked me for and said he didn't even realize before how strongly I feel about him. But he still needs at least some time alone..

We are meeting up on monday again (we are studying together) and should talk about all this. And I am scared to death of what he might say..

Do you guys think there is still a chance to save our relationship or does all of this sound too much and I shouldn't hope for anything..? Cuz i can't think clearly at all..

Hi there - I think firstly, its important to respect that he needs some time to get his thoughts together, When a guy has all these thoughts running madly in his mind, his immediate instinct is to run. Its just the animal part of his brain taking over. So firstly, respect that and give him his space. Feel free to send through the odd text genuinely sending him good wishes etc but try and do it without the expectation of getting anything back.
As for whether the relationship can be salvaged, it's difficult to say because there are many factors that determine whether this can happen.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are both are you?

[lovemenot]

Hi [MENTION=85291]shrah25[/MENTION] ! thank you for your answer. I am 29 and he is 27 years old.
I know it probably sounds like we're much younger, because it definitely felt that way when we first fell for each other. i felt like a 15 year old then:] he said he felt the same way. we were both so insanely happy. like my heart would start pounding just holding his hand and I couldn't even sleep or eat because of the constant feeling of the butterflies in my chest :] He said he felt them too... so it's so difficult to grasp now how everything went from that to this...

I respect his time alone and realize I shouldn't bother him, still I sent him a message two days ago saying that I don't want to give up on us and that he's too important for me to let go that easily... He responded in a day apologizing for taking so long to write back and said he still needs time to realize all that is happening and offered to meet up on Monday an hour before our class and talk. And ever since I am worried sick about what he might have to say...I've no idea what to do and I really really don't want to lose him...

Honestly after talking about this with my friends and a couple of people here, I thought of two possibilities:
1. he is either not over his ex and realizes more and more he has made a mistake breaking up with her
2. he was truly very serious about our relationship and he created an impression that I wasn't serious at all and was only looking to have fun and he really got scared of investing his time into this and ending up being hurt.

And I have theories to back up both of these.
[MENTION=85291]shrah25[/MENTION] I am afraid this is gonna be a long story, but it's rather complicated and I think all the details are very important and I would really really appreciate your input, please:]

1. Of course I believe that the first one is less likely to be true.
even before anything happened between us and before we started dating he mentioned a few times in a circle of friends that he is thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend, because he really doesn't see a future with her. And he was the one who initiated everything between us. he asked me out, he kissed me first, he wanted to continue seeing each other and he really fell for me. And i doubt he could have done that if he still had feelings for his ex.

So we were seeing each other for about two weeks before he broke up with his ex (she saw our messages, but even then said she would give him a second chance but he told her he didn't love her and that's how they broke up). But since she is from another country and was here with a student exchange program and was living with him and had no place else to go they still lived together for like 2 days after this happened. And when she cleared everything with the university and packed her stuff, he drove her back home to her country. And then he said that it was extremely difficult to say goodbye and to see her all broken and hurt like that and that he was even thinking to turn around and go back to her...But said what's done is done and that it is our turn now...

But since that weekend I felt a shift in his behavior. He started to get a bit colder and to pull away from me a little and now what he wrote, that he feels worse and worse about hurting her so much and that he can't forgive himself for that (he tends to blame himself a lot and can never forgive himself easily). And when we broke up he even said that I did so many things wrong in one month, she hasn't that that many in 3 years... Which means he's comparing us and I am afraid he's leaning towards her..:[

2. we were going out and partying a lot lately and I like meeting new people and have a habit of talking to everyone when I am out. And he is a very jealous person, as I came to realize.
so seeing me always talking with random guys and as he wrote I was even telling compliments to some of them (though I never had any intention of that) it really made him feel insecure I think. And he created this image of me in his head that I was all only about partying, drinking, having fun, meeting new people and didn't take him and our relationship very serious. He once even got so mad about this that he left in the middle of a party and later wrote that he is taking the relationship very seriously, but giving my actions he can't take me seriously...
And I know it's my problem really, because I am taking him and the relationship seriously, maybe even to serious, and I got scared of my own emotions towards him and started hiding it all mostly from myself. And then I started feeling him pulling away more and more and started hiding my true feelings more and it turned into this closed circle.. And after I wrote him a letter explaining ho I really feel he said he didn't even think that I had such strong feelings towards him...

I really want to believe that it's the second thing and that I can fix everything by proving to him how serious I really am..but I am afraid it might be too late...or maybe it's non of these..or maybe it's everything..

Thank you for reading all of this, if you did;]

[shrah25]

Hi [MENTION=78360]lovemenot[/MENTION]

Thanks for your in-depth response. It's perfectly natural to get the butterflies :-) Age really doesn't matter when it comes to that hehe.

So just to clarify, he was dating her for 3 years? And how long were you two together for?

Thanks

[lovemenot]

yes, he dated her for 3 years. it was actually his first such long relationship, before the longest was 9 months I think. And we dated for 7 weeks if I am correct. For the first two we were both still in relationships with other people.

[shrah25]

ok thanks for this information. One of the things to consider here is the length of the previous relationship. 3 years is a good amount of time and there is always a level of emotional impact over that period of time. That's not to say that he will want to go back with her but it's important that you honour the relationship for what it is. This will help you to gain more compassion and empathy for what he's going through.
How serious were you both during the 7 weeks? Ie How frequently were you seeing each other?

[lovemenot]

Yes I realize his previous relationship had a serious impact on him and he was really affected when it ended, even though he wanted to do that for a while.
Me and him were rather serious. We met in this "discover yourself" sort of course and for two weeks we went there everyday and spent half day doing all these psychological tests and playing various "get to know each other" games so we got to know one another rather well and then we started dating and we were still seeing each other in the class everyday and afterwards we would take long long walks everyday - just walked around for hours talking about everything. and now for the last 2 weeks we have been studying together so we're seeing each other everyday for almost the whole day and he also comes to stay with me for a day or two every couple of days (that's until a week ago of course, when he became ditant and then decided to leave me)...but it was pretty serious i'd say

[shrah25]

Ah yes, meeting people in these sorts of self discovery courses can have quite a massive impact on individuals. We feel this deep connection with someone and then when the course finishes, normal life can resume and some of the fear and insecurities can rise to the surface again.

But I hear what you're saying though - did you guys put a label on the relationship?

[lovemenot]

We've decided to stay friends. Well, more like he decided.
But he still said he likes me a lot and we still spend every day all day together at school. We meet before class, sit together in every class, helping each other all the time and talking about all things and laughing all the time.
We go to lunch together and after classes end we go for a walk for about an hour each day and afterwards go back to school to study on our own - he decided to start this secret afterschool study group, which he only invited me to join and we are keeping it a secret from everyone else in our class

Last night he even invited me to go to this game night at the pub with his friends, where we used to go to while dating..
And then today he said that for the whole entire night he dreamt about sleeping with me...

So basically not much has changed, except we're not sleeping together anymore and not walking holding hands and not kissing and so on..

And it's actually been kind of great, though I still obviously have feelings for him and have hopes that someday we will be together again. But for now maybe it is really better this way. I would rather have him in my life like this than not have him at all...And this way we can focus on our studying and on improving ourselves and working on our issues. We both know what went wrong and why this happened and we both need to take care of our own issues...

Plus we can get to know each other for real now, like you said after the normal life resumed:]

Though I think it is kind of strange..he still obviously enjoys spending time with me and likes me and we do everything together, but he doesn't want to be with me..

[shrah25]

Hi [MENTION=78360]lovemenot[/MENTION]

Thanks for your message.

What you're experiencing here is the typical aftermath of a breakup.

What I do highly recommend here is that you are genuinely honest with yourself as to how easy it will be to maintain a purely platonic relationship with him? This is really crucial because when a breakup is fresh and we care about the other person, the natural tendency is to convince ourselves that it's better to be friends than not communicate at all. Now, you come across as someone with a really big heart and hence the 'friends' tag will be a natural temptation for you (and him as well).

My primary concern here for you is that he is still trying to get the 'perks' of being with you, but without being with you and that could potentially leave you in a vulnerable position.

I've seen this happen far too many times. The guy wants to experience all the positive emotional benefits that come with someone he cares and likes - however he's unable to truly commit because he hasn't done the necessarily mental and emotional work on himself to get to a place where he is *ready* for a relationship and then ultimately ends up playing with the emotions of the other person.

So, i'm not suggesting that you cut off communications here. All i'm suggesting is that you truly look inside yourself and ask yourself the right questions that will serve you long term - not just in the short term.

If you're interested, i'm happy to put a short 5 minute video for you to help you ask the right questions of yourself and then use that as a platform to make the right decision here. If you are, just PM me and i'll be happy to help.

Thanks

[lovemenot]

Thank you so much for the answer [MENTION=85291]shrah25[/MENTION]

honestly the more time passes the more I think about what you wrote here. Is it really easier to stay friends and what it will be like in a few months...

as far as I see now there are three possible outcomes of staying friends:

1. over time my feelings fade away (maybe it is just infatuation after all) and we truly become good friends because we get along great and we always always have a good time together and similar interests and we actually encourage each other to be better people in one way or another...

2. I just stay his friend for now and wait patiently while he works out his own issues and support him and everything until he falls in love with me again and is ready to commit and we still end up together...(I realize now how pathetic this is..)

3. same as second, but instead my feelings just grow stronger and stronger and while I patiently wait for him, he works out his own issues and at the end only sees me as a friend and finds someone else to fall in love with and I end up totally broken hearted and horribly devastated and unable to love or trust anyone ever again... (sounds like the most possible outcome..)

being such a hopeless romantic I dream about the second option to become true, but I will have to do some thinking over the weekend and be truly open with myself about this and try to come up with a decision here...

and thank you for the offer - i will PM you if I see that I need more help with this :]

[shrah25]

Hi [MENTION=78360]lovemenot[/MENTION]

OK, I'm glad you're taking some time to think about this. I totally understand what you mean by being a hopeless romantic and I can see the appeal of option 2 in fulfilling those desires. Can I just quietly caution you to try and not let the fantasy get in the way of real life.

Anyway, good luck and let me know how you get on in your decision making.

Thanks
Sri

[lovemenot]

Thank you very much for all of your advice. I really really appreciate you taking your time and truly trying to help me.

I have always had a problem with living in a fantasy world rather than accepting the reality...
And now it just feels like it's time to finally grow up and start living real life..so I guess I will have to let the fantasies go...
though it's so difficult to just let it go when you still have hope for the future you wish for..

anyways, thank you again:]

[MartinOhm]

Please do the best for Sweden.