not sure about my emotions

[mynameisasecret]

Hey!

I am currently in a situation which is driving me insane and my feelings are a mess to the point where I cannot tell what i'm truly feeling half the time.
I am dating a guy since August (7 months) and he is the greatest person ... we have some truly awesome memories together and he is the first and so far only person in my life who's always been there for me no matter what. So what is the problem? Well.. I am bored as hell. There has never really been any kind of spark or very strong attraction between us from MY side at least. We have not taken things to the next step meaning we have not slept together... But I know for a fact that I am very important to him as well and his feelings are definietely much more intense than mine and he's always so happy but lately i've just been very cranky and irritated and that feels very unfair to him. At the same time I still have feelings for him.. I cried to myself just last night at the thought of leaving him, breaking his heart and when I remembered all of our good times together. Maybe we should just be friends but i'm not sure because my feelings for him go very up and down and even if he'd be okay with just being friends he'd still be heartbroken and I can't take that! It has already been this way now for 3 months....
A while ago I was approached by an extremely attractive man asking for my phone number and I recognized him because me and my boyfriend was at an event about 4 months ago (I am very good at remembering faces) where this guy was and he flirted with me then already although my boyfriend was right there.. he was very lowkey about it though, talking to us both, making jokes and looking at me a lot. I didn't pay much attention to him then though because I just found the whole situation very uncomfortable for me.
I did NOT give out my number as I was so stunned and also because I do not give my number to strangers. I changed my mind very quickly though and found him on social media, added him and we have spoke a little.
I am now very conflicted over what to do, this guy whom I don't even know is exactly the type of guy I usually get REALLY attracted to while my current partner (no matter how mean this sounds it's still true) is physically the exact opposite of what I am get attracted to when it comes to physical appearance and I hate to see myself as shallow but I can't help what I am attracted to... he's not completely my type personality-wise either, he's too much like myself lol. But i'm sure I do love him.. and I can't exactly leave him anyway just so I can see if there could be something between me and this other guy, I don't want to do anything behind his back either because i'd hate myself so much... I already do.
Plus I was in an almost identical situation 3 years back, I was in a relationship and this really attractive, kind of popular guy started showing obvious interest in me and we chatted for a couple of months while I stayed in my relationship but had an insane crush on the other guy, eventually he was also in a relationship, then they broke up and him and I went out as friends once and then he confessed his emotions for me and I left my partner right away, not a doubt in hell but then it just turned out that that guy was a complete asshole who just ended up f*king me over so badly I was on the bottom for quite long afterwards... So when it comes to those REALLY attractive guys my trust is pretty much non-existent and I don't want to do the exact same mistake again and also I don't want to risk letting go of someone who could be an amazing person and a total catch, and at the same time I still love my boyfriend when I really think about it...

I know what you're all gonna say now, that if I really loved him I would not go end up getting interested in someone else and that I am a horrible girlfriend but spare me those comments because I already know that, I have always felt that my boyfriend is so good to me and how could I ever even repay him?
If I didn't have any romantic feelings at all for him left this would not even be an issue... I would leave him easily. I just want like an epic relationship, y'know? I've never had that can't-live-without-each-other-relationship.. that is most likely what I am still lowkey searching for, at the same time it is hard to let go off someone who has become so important to you.

[pcmaster]

Wait. You are dating 7 months and didnt had sex yet. You are cranky. Thats a sign that you need sex - sign that you havent had sex for a long time.
Dont know whats wrong with your guy. Either hes a virgin or watching porn or both. I see only 2 scenarious here. You take relationship to the next level by taking it into bedroom. Or break up explaining everything and not worrying about his broken heart. In this way you would open doors for yourself to be with that other guy. Yeah he might be asshole but who knows, only way to find out is to try with him.

So the thing with your BF is that he lacks confidence or he is not going after what he want, surrpressing his sexual desires. You sure should talk about it before breaking up. If you decide to break up afterwards then dont worry about breaking his heart. As long as you break up beautifuly, talk everything out and stay friends to be able to keep talking, breaking up should be a way to grow as a person. Pain can help to grow.
So yeah either you try to make this relationship adult or if that dont work then nicely break up and try things with other guy.

[lovemenot]

I am also surprised to hear that you've been dating for 7 months and hadn't had sex yet. Might be inappropriate, but may I ask how old you both are? And why haven't you had sex yet? If you are totally not attracted to him physically, then there is really no future for you two. I know it sounds shallow, but actually it's not. Physical attraction is extremely important in a romantic relationship. Otherwise you are just best friends and there is only a platonic love between you two. If that is the case you should break up with him and don't worry too much about breaking his heart, if you manage to do it gently and stay friends afterwards, he might not be so broken.

And starting new relationships (with that new guy) is always a risk. You can't know how it will turn out, he might be an asshole of course and you might end up being hurt, but he might also be the head-over-heals love you've been searching for. And even the possibility of that I think is worth the risk. Also you might wanna try listening to your gut. What does it tell you? Do you get a good feeling about this new guy or is your intuition saying you should run away?

[mynameisasecret]

I am still a virgin.. that is a choice because I have not felt "ready" yet. I was very attracted to my ex but he treated me so badly that I never felt safe enough to let him be my first.
I think my boyfriend respects me too much to try to pressure me into sex, he's talked about it like twice but he like always does what I say so i'm not too surprised he's not trying harder. And maybe he's just not a very sexual person so it's cool with him. I do miss making out though (since that is all I can miss since I haven't done more) but I don't wanna make out with him so.. maybe you're right, a relationship does require physical attraction to work...

[Hooo!]

so you have a friend
who you didnt even sleep with.
and you dont even want to have sex with your friend? So basically he isnt really your boyfriend, but just a friend? so you are free to **** whomever you like?

or do i get anything wrong here?

[Trip2TheSky]

You keep making the mistake of not allowing yourself to experience the full connection of a relationship and just it's potential. The "I can't live without this person" feeling will not happen when you don't fully open up to someone.

Your boyfriend deserves more from you out of this "relationship" for being so patient and understanding and he certainly doesn't deserve you going behind his back ans adding this other man on social media.

I agree with Hooo! ..

You guys are basically platonic best friends and you should set this guy free and next time show some integrity to next one who decides to be with you.

[mynameisasecret]

He does deserve more sure, I have always known that, but then again he seems to accept anything which is sort of his own choice as well. He could ask for more, he could want to talk about it or question what it is I really want like most other men would so I just feel he never really stands up for himself and that isn't exactly my problem but I don't want to hurt him of course... What I wonder though is how do you even break up with someone whom you're not even really together with? And I really like him but even if he would want to stay friends I would feel really guilty seeing other men and still be his friend...
It's just hard because I have literally never broken up with someone who's been good to me before and I have never broken up with someone whom I have been this platonic with.

[Hooo!]

He does deserve more sure, I have always known that, but then again he seems to accept anything which is sort of his own choice as well. He could ask for more, he could want to talk about it or question what it is I really want like most other men would so I just feel he never really stands up for himself and that isn't exactly my problem but I don't want to hurt him of course... What I wonder though is how do you even break up with someone whom you're not even really together with? And I really like him but even if he would want to stay friends I would feel really guilty seeing other men and still be his friend...
It's just hard because I have literally never broken up with someone who's been good to me before and I have never broken up with someone whom I have been this platonic with.

bullshit. stop blaming other people for your own insecurities and for the respect they are showing you.
It is his own fault for being respectfull towards your insecurities. It is his own fault for not manning up and telling you to undress and being way too "respectfull" of your virginity. It is his own fault for giving you more "time" then you deserve.
However blaming him for it is just riddiculous.

I dont see the point in breaking up with him in the first place. You are not together. If you get together with another man at some point in the future, he will be hurt because he has been the "nice guy" for nothing. That is his side of the problem.
Since you are not planning to have sex with him anyhow, at some point in the future you will be with another man eventually. If its not with this one, it may be with the next.
Since you are (ab)using "your friend" now anyways and additionally you two have such different expectancies towards each other (he wants to **** you, you want to use him as a nice slave who does whatever you ask him to) to me its seems that your "friendship" doesnt even really exist. Its rather him sucking up to you and you liking it.
That is not a foundation any real "friendship" should build upon in my humble opinion.

- - - Updated - - -

Here we can learn a few things: The "friendzone" (or slavezone) exists because the man doesnt advance repeatedly and continually. He does not seduce, although attraction and connection are there.
1) We can learn that the "dick on shoulder" (plagiatively speaking) is one of the ways out of the slavezone.
2) We can also see that she is blaming HIM because of that. While he should not take the blame for acting "respectfully" it is still his responsibility and his fault. Respect should be earned and justified. Unjustified respect is not respect it is blindly following a limiting belief (at best). Being respectfull towards women is not the same thing as letting them give you shit everyday. Be respectfull towards yourself as well.
3) we can also see that labels such as "friendship", "relationship" or "love" are just that: Labels. People mean so many different things by them that it is very difficult concept to grasp. My view of a friendship is obviously much different from her view. Although I believe that the friendship feels to her the same (or better) than her other friendships, i disagree with the term. A friendship is a relationship of equals to each other. However they are not equal.

[mynameisasecret]

True, maybe I am using him. I met him when I was going through a really bad breakup with a man who had been using me - he had been seeing me and another girl at the same time, giving both of us false expections from the beginning of our relationship etc. and only wanting to get into my pants and constantly trying inbetween when he could be the sweetest guy ever, that's why I never let him so that is why I am a virgin. I had very strong feelings for my boyfriend at first, I was attracted to him and I also at least thought (?) I loved him for a while but the first time he told me his feelings my feelings sort of dropped a little (I don't know why because that usually does not happen for me) but I stayed anyway because I was still in love with him. We decided to put the relationship-label on it like right away because he asked me if I wanted to and I didn't really to be honest because it was too soon but I said sure and I have realized recently what the real reason for that was but I really did have feelings for him as well??? Or did I just think so??? I don't know. The problem now is that we both need each other, I know him better than anyone and he knows me better than most and it would feel really empty without him but honestly I should probably get to know new people and not rely so much on the person I am seeing at the moment and that is my own problem and I know personally why I am that way but that is a whole different story and my own problem to fix.

I get what you're saying though, Hooo!, but you seem to think I should just start dating again out of nowhere?? I can't do that to him because no matter what we are according to the norm we are still a couple in his eyes and in all honesty I just feel very confused and not sure about anything. I have moments like right now actually when I feel in love with him but as soon as I see him again they are gone although another moment can appear then when I look at him and feel very happy that he's there with me. I'm not sure what that means. I don't think he's the man i'm gonna spend my life with or anything but i'm still afraid that I will change my mind one day if I just let him go because he's a great guy after all and after the bad experiences i've had, great guys are very rare to me and i'm pretty scared i'll never meet one again although I know at the same time that there are probably plenty of them, and at least one of them must be someone I would be a better match with... I just wish I could trust that though.

[mynameisasecret]

And for the record I want to add, I do not want my boyfriend to try to pressure me in any way because if he did I would leave right away. I just think he's TOO careful all the time, he never questions anything, normally I think a guy would ask if there was any problem if I showed I really don't want to sleep with him, not pressure me if he was any decent but question it nicely and maybe want to talk about it which would make it much easier for me to explain as well.

[Hooo!]

well for me it seems you have four options:
1) sleep with your "boyfriend"
2) date and sleep with other men
3) never have sex with anyone
4) quit your relationship
5) wait for him to do something and decide then what you want of the above

you can choose as many of the above that you can manage.

and yes: you need each other: you need him as butler. he needs you to be his sexually interested girlfriend.

[mynameisasecret]

So basically you'd say i'm single? That's what my friends thinks too...
I just feel like I want to have fun now, I've never been like other teenagers and boys didn't start noticing me until just a few years ago and I just feel like I want to be free now and have fun because I have realized I can. My boyfriend is very sweet but i'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship right now, I wanted to in the past but I loved the wrong person and it messed me up so honestly I should never have met this guy and agreed to put "the relationship label" on what we have but I did that for all the wrong reasons. I was done with love, you don't let someone fall in love with you when you are done with love lol...

I just feel like even if he would be right the timing is very wrong but sh*t happens, I know that very well. Thanks for the replies, I must try to find a way to let him know how I feel... it would really suck losing him entirely but that's life I guess.

[Hooo!]

You lose people because you lie to them.
Don't.

Thank him for everything he gave to you. Be sorry for what you thought you could but then could not give

Good luck

And about the "being done with love"
Trust me on this: dont

We can talk about that. But being done with love is about one of the stupidest things you can decide ever

[mynameisasecret]

I don't want to take it here why I don't believe in love so much anymore as that is an entirely different story but I was very hurt and it was partially my fault because my friends warned me about the guy who hurt me... but I was too head over heels to care, you know? I'd protect him and take his side no matter what it and it all ended so horribly that all my faith in love was just swept away. I got completely F'd over. It takes time to heal after something like that right... And sometimes it just feel like it's easier to force yourself not to feel very much because then you can't get hurt either, the "problem" with being in a relationship though is that you have to dare to let yourself be vulnerable, and let someone in.

[Hooo!]

So you think your current problem and your decision to not feeling anything in your relationships are not connected?

You also think that forbidding yourself to feel too much will keep you from being hurt?