Am I jealous, crazy, or do I have a point?

[melancholia]

Yeah, it doesn't sound like he is cheating on you or anything like that; but his reluctance to understand and acknowledge your feelings about this is a big problem. Like I said, either the screaming and late night antics aren't as bad as you have described or your boyfriend is being super lazy about establishing boundaries. So what if he feels guilty? What do feelings accomplish if we don't act on them? His behavior seems to protect the neighbors' feelings over yours and that's what the bigger issue is here. I definitely think it's worth a shot at having a chat with the neighbors yourself. Like I said, it doesn't have to be a negative confrontation, but they clearly lack awareness in how their negative behavior is being interpreted by you and unless you let them know how you feel and establish those boundaries, they will continue to act the way they do. If your boyfriend can't seem to do it, then you have to take it into your own hands. Either that, or try and get him to move hahaha. That seems like it would be a much bigger challenge.

[NinaDreams]

Right. And the screaming is certainly annoying to me; he doesn't hear it when they do it at 2:30 because he's still asleep. It wakes me. And granted, they don't do that every single week but they've done it enough, in conjunction with everything else, that I feel my relationship is intruded upon. We are supposed to grill out tonight. It will be interesting to see how they choose to interfere; because I guarantee they will in some manner.

[Hooo!]

i think its more of that he cant say no (or doesnt know how to)
and fears the consequences

its annoying you so i suggest you
a) go out and actually include these ladies in both of your lifes together
b) you tell your man that either he mans up and tells them to stop yelling at 2 in the morning or you will yell back at them

if he doesnt get it then go and scream at them that you just wanted to have sex with them everytime the poke in through your window and that they are annoying as hell when they are drunk.

[NinaDreams]

I feel like the situation is growing increasingly strange. My plan was to talk to him and possibly even them, and let him know that I Felt their feelings were coming before mine and that I wasn't satisfied with his response when we first had the conversation.
They have, for the most part, behaved themselves. Last Wednesday, our week day date night, went without incident.
Friday I stayed with him and they were texting him to come outside around 11:30 for a bonfire. He didn't ignore it, which aggravated me. He also didn't say he was with me, and to get ahold of him another time. He just simply wrote back that it was too cold outside.
Sunday we went biking, and the only reason we saw them was because we were putting the bikes away and they were laying out behind the house. They were nice, friendly, everything was ok.
My boyfriend is a musician who used to be in a pretty successful local band when he was in his late 20's, and throughout most of his 30's. When 2 of his band mates had children 2 years ago, they all decided it would be best to take time away from the band. These guys are in their 40's. Solidly.

They are talking about picking the band back up and playing some shows. I'm trying to be supportive of this, as it is his passion. He is good at it and he needs this creative outlet.

Next weekend they are having a show and from what I understood, it was to be a small show. He invited a lot of long time friends who I have never had the opportunity to meet, as some of them are even from out of state. I'm eager to meet them.

I found out that he invited the neighbor ladies. Perhaps selfishly, this upset me. I'm thinking I should view it as, they are his friends too, and maybe want to go see him play. On the same token, I myself have never seen him play, and will be meeting a large group of his long time friends. It almost feels like he's going to be introducing 3 girlfriends. I don't know if that makes sense or if I'm perhaps blowing it out of proportion due to the frustration with the situation.

Oddly, one of the neighbors texted me today, asking me if I wanted to go to dinner with the 2 of them Saturday before my boyfriends show. Perhaps wrongly, I feel this is weird, fishy, and just strange. I feel like he put them up to it almost. I haven't confirmed or declined the plan, but I don't think I want to go with them.

I'm having a very odd feeling about all of this. I can't explain it. But it's odd.

[Hooo!]

They don't mean harm
They are crazy yet friendly to your man

You are just still annoyed by their behavior
Why shouldn't they come to his band
Or why shouldn't I socialize with them

Get to know them better instead of being anti
They extended their hands to you
Take it

[NinaDreams]

The situation is still odd. I'm trying my best to compromise and be fair. The late night nonsense has been non existent the last couple of weeks, which is good, but I have a feeling it's temporary.
I am trying to accept the fact that these 2 are his friends, and treat them as I would any other friend of his. It is not easy though. It's almost like they're all roommates since they live in the same row of townhouses and share a yard, and see each other all of the time. My boyfriend is 44 with 2 29 year old friends that are constantly drinking and full of drama. I

Since they share a backyard, they also share a garden. This is becoming an opportunity for them to be outside together and work in their community garden. My boyfriend and I were outside together Sunday and he invited them to come sit with us. I just sort of feel like I'm not just dating him, but them. Our relationship is THAT saturated with them. These aren't just 2 female friends; they're around ALL. the TIME.
They're both going through relatively new break ups. So the additional annoyance with this is that they're glued at the hip and outside drinking their pain away all of the time.
While we were outside with them Sunday, one of them said how nice it was that the entire 'family' was all together on a Sunday night. I was not only annoyed, but creeped out. I don't WANT to be best friends with these women. I'm sorry, but the entire thing is weird.

[melancholia]

I notice a few things that could be the issue here:

1. You don't trust these neighbors/your boyfriend and you don't want them to be friends
2. Your boyfriend isn't making you feel like a priority above his friendship with these women
3. You and your boyfriend have different expectations of how your relationship should be at this point

You've brought this up with him several times now and it seems to fall on deaf ears, or he makes excuses for their behavior, and excuses as to why he wants to keep them in his life. At this point, it's clear you are unhappy with the situation at hand and you have a few options here:

1. Break up with your boyfriend
2. Talk to him about this again, and be much more firm and clear about your feelings and expectations
3. Talk to the neighbors about how deeply their behavior seems to be affecting you

Options 1 & 2 are the better of the three, however, the past few times you've tried talking to him about this it didn't get you very far.

[NinaDreams]

I agree with you on all of this except the trust part. I still stand by my original thought that He would never do anything sexual with them and I do not believe they would be the type to do anything either. I think because they're all in a "roommate" type of dynamic, I feel I'm not a priority and kind of feel like the entire dynamic is pretty juvenile and I guess I don't understand why he won't let it go. Again, it's kind of like they're living together. And I guess I view it as baggage.

[melancholia]

Right, so the problem is that you aren't happy with the situation and you don't feel like a priority in your relationship. You need to talk to your boyfriend about that and try again to come to some kind of understanding so it doesn't keep happening. Otherwise you will continue to grow more resentful and you'll either live in misery or break up. Hopefully he starts listening to your feelings and thoughts on this and makes some real changes.

[NinaDreams]

You're right. Another conversation is in order. I feel like I'm dating all 3 of them sometimes. Whenever I go to his house it's like ok visiting him and his 2 sisters. It's so unbelievably weird.

[melancholia]

Keep us posted.

[NinaDreams]

I told him yesterday that I wanted to have a discussion tomorrow night, which is our week night together. It will the final time that I attempt to communicate about this.

He was very open about it. This past weekend, I went over to his house on Friday and we were going to go to dinner. When I pulled up to his house, he was sitting on his neighbor's porch with them. They (not my boyfriend) were drinking wine and sitting in their pajamas. I had told him on my way over that I was very hungry and when I got there, it was cold and I was shivering sitting outside. He proceeded to sit and chat with them for around 30 minutes before we finally got up and left for dinner. This is the type of thing that does not make me feel like a priority: I had made it clear I was eager to go eat, I was cold, and it was our date night and he had to sit there and keep chatting with them.
While they were chatting, the one mentioned to him that she talks about him to her dad 'all of the time' about their 'adventures' and that she really wanted him to meet her parents. I'm sorry, but that's just bizarre on every level.
Then Sunday, we went out to run errands in the morning. When we were coming back, the neighbors were leaving together and they were passing us in the opposite direction. My boyfriend and the neighbors rolled down their windows and they proceeded to tell him they were going to the store to buy a sprinkler to play in. I could go on regarding my opinions about maturity, but I won't.
We then left the house to run another errand, and after that, I was going to leave for the weekend, meaning I wouldn't see him for 3 days. This always really sucks for me because I miss him greatly during those 3 days. When we got back to the house, we heard them screaming in the backyard and laughing. Immediately he went back to the dining room window to start talking with them while they were playing in the sprinkler. I was sitting there, packing up my clothes, getting ready to leave, and on the verge of tears because he had to run back to see them sitting outside in their bathing suits playing in a sprinkler drinking like a couple of teenagers. I'm at my breaking point with it and it's time to have a more serious conversation.

[TheEvilJester]

Sweet Christmas! I really wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. For your sake, I wanted to believe that his intentions could be 100% innocent. That he could turn this around and find a way to still get to be friends with them, yet do so in a way that still kept you happy. That made you feel like YOU were his priority and not them. But, even after all you've talked to him about this already.... this latest development kind of takes the cake for me.

He charges over to watch them playing in their new sprinkler. For the sake of argument, I'm going to pretend for a minute that it was 100% innocent in his mind. I'm going to PRETEND because I don't believe for one milli-second that it was. But, I'm going to pretend that he wasn't doing so because he wanted to check out a couple attractive women scantily clad in only bathing suits frolicking about outside. Even then, he'd have to be a MORON not to see that it might look that way to you. Either that or an insensitive prick to KNOW it might look that way to you but not care anyway.

If nothing else, it is at the very least definitely time for a more serious conversation. So, yeah, you are right about that. Though, to be perfectly honest with you, if I were you I'd be out the door at this point. Let him stroke his pathetic male ego with a couple of gals way too young for him. Let him put more value in two girls he'll probably never get to touch and probably shouldn't anyway even if he could than in the woman who is not only age appropriate for him, but also could be the real thing.

But, that's me. I can't blame you if you at least want to try one last ditch effort to get him to wake the Hell up and grow the Hell up. Good luck to you either way. You deserve better than this, that is for sure. Maybe he actually can be that "better," but if not it sounds like you may need to move on for your own good.

[NinaDreams]

Sweet Christmas! I really wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. For your sake, I wanted to believe that his intentions could be 100% innocent. That he could turn this around and find a way to still get to be friends with them, yet do so in a way that still kept you happy. That made you feel like YOU were his priority and not them. But, even after all you've talked to him about this already.... this latest development kind of takes the cake for me.

He charges over to watch them playing in their new sprinkler. For the sake of argument, I'm going to pretend for a minute that it was 100% innocent in his mind. I'm going to PRETEND because I don't believe for one milli-second that it was. But, I'm going to pretend that he wasn't doing so because he wanted to check out a couple attractive women scantily clad in only bathing suits frolicking about outside. Even then, he'd have to be a MORON not to see that it might look that way to you. Either that or an insensitive prick to KNOW it might look that way to you but not care anyway.

If nothing else, it is at the very least definitely time for a more serious conversation. So, yeah, you are right about that. Though, to be perfectly honest with you, if I were you I'd be out the door at this point. Let him stroke his pathetic male ego with a couple of gals way too young for him. Let him put more value in two girls he'll probably never get to touch and probably shouldn't anyway even if he could than in the woman who is not only age appropriate for him, but also could be the real thing.

But, that's me. I can't blame you if you at least want to try one last ditch effort to get him to wake the Hell up and grow the Hell up. Good luck to you either way. You deserve better than this, that is for sure. Maybe he actually can be that "better," but if not it sounds like you may need to move on for your own good.

Thank you Jester. I needed this today. I had the conversation with him last night. I began by telling him that I felt incredibly frustrated that as a 35 year old woman with a 43 year old boyfriend, that we even needed to be having this conversation. I told him that when we previously had the conversation which involved me feeling devalued and intruded upon, and he did nothing, and nothing changed, and uncomfortable behaviors and interactions continued to occur, I realized we were due to rehash it.

I began by citing some examples of behaviors they had engaged in, and how that made me feel: from the one neighbor mentioning she talks about him to her parents all the time and wants her parents to meet him, to the sprinkler incident, to him leaving me in the house when they purchased their sprinkler, to the yelling into the windows, to them joining us 90% of the time when we are outside.

While he initially had a very sweet and open attitude about me wanting to have a talk, the tone quickly changed to annoyed and defensive when he realized what it was about. He rolled his eyes when he realized the conversation was again about the neighbors and became snippy and defensive: he never has become snippy with me once in our entire 15 + months of dating.

He immediately said he was aggravated that this was being brought back up and again, and said he had no idea what I wanted him to do unless I expected him to just pack up and move away from them. I told him to please stop being so dramatic: All I was asking for was some boundaries, not for him to cut them out of his life. He then rolled his eyes and in an annoyed tone said "I guess I'll have to figure out a way to go have a talk with them about this. Because i thought you were cool with them and apparently, obviously, you ARE NOT cool with them."

I again asked him to stop being dramatic: that it had nothing to do with me not being 'cool' with them and he didn't need to over-exaggerate things and go make me into a bad guy. All I was asking for was for him to put a stop to the yelling, the intrusions, and the interruptions. That was IT.

I also asked why I have to automatically be labeled as the bad guy, when they are the ones interrupting and disrespecting, and he is the one doing nothing about it? Why do I have to be the bad guy?

It went on like this for awhile, and he mentioned how from now on if he sees them outside, or wants to work in their community garden together, he's going to feel funny about it because he knows I have such a problem with them.

He then told me how terrible it was of me to assume he was such a pig to want to stare at them in their bathing suits, because he 'doesn't look at them like that. Ever."

I expressed extreme frustration with his reaction and told him, that if he honestly viewed them AS FRIENDS, then why would their friendship be negatively impacted by simply requesting some respect in an adult manner?

at the end of the conversation, he apologized, told me that he realizes he needs to do better with it, and assured me he would 'fix' the situation. He admitted he hates confrontation and wants everyone to get along. I told him it's not that I don't get along with them. I just.want.boundaries.

The edge in his voice and the snippy attitude ceased.I requested that he put some shoes on other feet, and imagine how he would feel if tables were turned. He hugged me after and was very lovey dovey the rest of the night.

I am less than satisfied with the juvenile, overly dramatic reaction. If 2 immature drunken neighbors are truly that much more important, then it's not worth it. So this is his last chance to put a stop to this.

[richiro]

Yeah then i'm even more sure of what i said. And i agree with you nothign is going on here and it's a great sign you trust him.

What's going on is the one gal when she's single, is going thru the typical "self esteem" thing gals go thru after a break-up (or between bf's) --- and your bf is the easy target and way to reassure her self-esteem that she's okay. Her self-esteem is a bit unhealthy but not crazy as she isn't trying to push the line too far... just do the "female competition" thing for her self-esteem. I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean to hurt you or is down on you.. especially they are party girls and this happens when they're drunk -- the filters come off.

so again.. the ideal response from you (the gf) is to let him know how you feel and that it is up to him to manage it. your time is YOUR time and you'd appreciate that you get to hve your time exclusively as his gf -- in exchange you wno't be the territorial jealous gf (like most women would be) and give him 100% trust and no lip about it -- when it's not YOUR time together. that's a very fair trade that any guy woudl appreciate (b/c most females woudnl't do that).

And again.. left to his own devices and freedom to manage as he sees fit - how he does that is YOUR signal as to exaxtly what you are to him and not.

good luck!