Dancing in long term relationship

[Sadfella]

Ok I'm new to this but I'm after some real practical advice, I've seen many posts but I want to detail my experience for a more accurate answer.

I'm 32, Mrs is 29. I've been blisfully in love for 10 years.

I hate my girl dancin with another man the way these girls dance these days and she knows it! She is very seductive and good at it. Recently at a family party some kid let slip that someone had pulled her on the dance floor, he didn't know I'm her man. I went inside and she was pretty much alone and I wisked her away. Turns out he was 17 and no one else would entertain him but my Mrs did... Upon questioning her motives it turns out over the years she has danced with many in a way that made her feel guilty and embarased.

Am I wrong to be in a psychological mess, it feels like she has no respect for me?

Most recent other than the party was Christmas work party, no partners alowed... I dropped her off and picked her up. At drop off I said you won't dance with any boys will you, no she said. Am I just a fool? I need to forgive her but the I feel betrayed, I would never be able to behave like she has and it feels gut wrenching. the thought of another guy gettin kicks grindin her while she smiles back at him and aims to please is unbarable.

She knows this and has swore never to do it again, do I believe her?

Plz help!

[CleanCut]

You're just talking about dancing, right? If so, I guess I don't see the issue here as long as she just dancing with other people for fun and not trying to date them or something. Plus they just sound like kids anyways, what would a 17 year old want with a woman that old anyways?

[Sadfella]

My problem is not that I worry about it going further, though it has crossed my mind maybe a kiss. My issue is she's engaging in an act of physical embrace with another guy and enjoying it without no thought for me. Respect of herself me and our relationship. I think its very disrespectful to dance in that way with others in front of someone or behind their backs, am I mad?

I've seen this when out with my mates and when they go grinding so woman not their other half I loose respect for them too, is that not right?

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Oh and clean cut she's a looker you and I both know what he wanted, so did she but she didn't walk away...

[CleanCut]

Dude, if it is just dancing, then I wouldn't worry about it at all. Who knows, maybe she is just using this dancing as an outlet for stress or something.

Better her doing some dirty dancing with some guys than leaving you for someone else; right? I mean come on, you guys are married and need some kind of release from each other every now and then.

Why not just let her go out and dance while you can go out and do something fun for yourself so you don't have to watch it; like go to a bar with some friends and ogle some hot women while throwing back a few beers?

[Sadfella]

This is what I'm saying it's not a nice dance its dirty and she hides it from me, guilt anyone?

[CleanCut]

So what? let her do what she wants on the dance floor; she's still coming home to you and not another guy; right?

[pcmaster]

This remains me Jersey Shore where Snooky had a hot BF but she danced in a club with naked pussy and then her BF caught her and dumped her right away. She was crying but he was angry. Anyway it was new relationship.

However yours is longterm so you have to find a dialogue and talk about your emotions and feeling with your girl. She should dance seductive with YOU. With other guys she should do just normal dancing.

[TheEvilJester]

Do you like to go dancing? Do you and her ever go dancing together? I only ask because if you really don't like dancing, but she does, then that may make it a little less clear cut an answer. Because, she should certainly be allowed to do something she enjoys, and if you don't enjoy it with her then she should be able to enjoy it on her own.

....HOWEVER (big however, there) if her dancing does come across as overtly sexual.... then I would definitely agree that is inappropriate to be doing with other men while she is in a relationship. I would agree with you in the fact that it would make me feel extremely disrespected as well. What is also not okay is that she lies to you about it.

And you know something? The thing is, her dancing, even the way she does it, would be perfectly okay..... IF IT DIDN'T BOTHER YOU. It DOES bother you, so she needs to decide what is more important to her. Your relationship, or getting to grind all over a bunch of strangers. Of course... DO NOT actually put it that way to her. LOL! As a matter of fact, if it ever got to the point where you had finally had enough and you were tempted to tell her "It's me or the dancing" I would more so personally advise you NOT to offer her that option and instead to decide yourself that it is over. She knows this bothers you. She can't continue doing this and yet expect to still date you. If that sort of dancing is too important to her to give up, then fine. She should let you go to find somebody who will appreciate you and she can do what she wants. If she doesn't want to lose you, then the dancing needs to stop or at least not be so inappropriate. You can dance without it having to be sexual.

If she cannot give up the dancing.... yet wants to keep stringing you along, then she doesn't deserve the power to make that choice. Hence why I say IF it does come to that, you should just end it yourself. Ultimatums are rarely a good idea.

Now, I do agree to some degree with CleanCut. Dancing in and of itself isn't that big a deal. The thing is.... A) it bothers you, so it is a big deal to you. B) We're not just talking about innocent dancing here. By your description, we are talking about the kind of dancing people typically do when they are looking for somebody to date, to "screw," or both. So, that is certainly not okay while in a relationship. I mean, unless you had no problem with it, then maybe not such a big deal. You do, though, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I would too.

Good luck to you. Hopefully you two can discuss it calmly and rationally and find a good middle ground. Again, as I said, if you are open to it perhaps you two can go dancing sometimes and maybe that would resolve her desire to dance. Or, if you do not like to go dancing, maybe she still can so long as she agrees to keep it more platonic and not so overtly sexual. Whatever would work for you two. But, if she can't/won't compromise, then you may be better off just to move on.

Good luck to you either way. Hopefully things can work out for you two, but if not that I hope you find your true match very soon if it turns out not to be her.

[lovebroken]

Why does this upset you? Jealous, don't trust her? Think dancing leads to sex? Thinks someone might sexually assault because they assume something? Think she is a big flirt? I think as long as your eyes aren't on her and can't know she will continue to dance the way she likes, many she likes the attention it gives her, an ego boost. Try to make some happy balance, so you can be happy and her as well.

[Sadfella]

Thanks all, I really appreciate the advice!

We have talked and I am going to have to trust her, she knows what she was doing was wrong but admits she enjoys it... The problem I have now is she lied before and said it won't / doesn't happen so why should I believe her now?

I'm too embarased to talk to friends and family about it, I think in part I don't want to further test our relationship by naming n shaming her. I think I am in love and she tells me she is too but if she is prepared to risk our relationship for some fun n attention is she just lying to me.

Yeh I'm jealous and I don't think I would be happy to go dancing with her how I feel at the moment all I would think about is that she's been dancing like this with others and it would make me feel worse.

She's in the dog house but we're both keen to forget it but I can't help but think it will happen again and if it does then we're done and that would break my heart. Hope this post helps others it has helped me realise it's not just me being mental.

[shrah25]

Thanks all, I really appreciate the advice!

We have talked and I am going to have to trust her, she knows what she was doing was wrong but admits she enjoys it... The problem I have now is she lied before and said it won't / doesn't happen so why should I believe her now?

I'm too embarased to talk to friends and family about it, I think in part I don't want to further test our relationship by naming n shaming her. I think I am in love and she tells me she is too but if she is prepared to risk our relationship for some fun n attention is she just lying to me.

Yeh I'm jealous and I don't think I would be happy to go dancing with her how I feel at the moment all I would think about is that she's been dancing like this with others and it would make me feel worse.

She's in the dog house but we're both keen to forget it but I can't help but think it will happen again and if it does then we're done and that would break my heart. Hope this post helps others it has helped me realise it's not just me being mental.

Hi [MENTION=85389]Sadfella[/MENTION]

This is really common so in your words, you're not being mental :-)

I agree very much with what theeviljester has mentioned. Dancing isn't that big a deal BUT, if she is getting hot and sexy with other men, then that is absolutely an issue - particularly if it bothers you so much.
As men, we like to feel utterly exclusive with our woman. As soon as there are any signs of that being threatened, our deepest fears come to the service and then we are consumed with jealousy, anger, sadness and so on.

So you are absolutely well within your right to feel what you feel. But regardless of how you feel, this now boils down to how you move forward that ultimately determines the success of this relationship.

What is absolutely crucial here is that you set boundaries and standards for how you wish to be treated. As long as she knows that she can do this sort of thing without too many negative consequences, then she will continue to do so. For most guys, this sort of behaviour is a real challenge to deal with so for you, it's about communicating the message with authenticity and assurance. If you come across as someone who is sensitive in an extreme way, then she will ultimately lose respect for you.

I remember talking to my wife a couple of years ago and we were in discussions about her ex boyfriend and how she treated him. In her earlier days, whilst she was in a relationship with him, she would go out clubbing and sometimes flirt with other guys. It would never go further than this but because he never set any boundaries, she just carried on doing it. However when we began dating, I mentioned to her some of my core values and how I would stop dating anyone who would treat me in ways that were disrespectful. Not once, has she behaved in ways that made me feel inferior, nor have I to her. I didn't say it in a threatening way at all - just from a place of strength that reflected my own values and self-respect.

I can't stress the importance of boundaries here. In fact, she will respect you all the more if you can hold your strength and set your boundaries, rather than just being a pushover. No woman likes a man like that. Eventually respect diminishes and the relationship dies a slow death. I've seen it all too many times.

When communicating it, if it comes across as defensive and angry, she will resist it and call you controlling. If you communicate it in such a way that reflects your standards but shows that you love her, she will accept it.

I hope that makes sense.

Any questions, let me know.

Thanks
Sri

[breathe123]

It's normal for stuff like that to make you, or anyone no matter what gender a bit jealous ~ it's how she reacts to that jealousy and how much you let it get to you that can kill your relationship. I agree with lovebroken when she told you, she will probs still go on dancing same as usual if you or someone you know are not in the room with her, only because she enjoys it & it isn't to get under your skin. If you love eachother like you said compromise is the respectful way to approach this. Does she realize how much this bothers you? Or does she still think it's harmless fun for her? Is it worth losing you over? Or her over? That is where the decision becomes difficult.

[TheEvilJester]

I am glad you two were able to talk about it and I hope it goes well. Good luck to you. I suppose for now all you can do is hope for the best, yet also prepare yourself for the worst. Hopefully that preparation proves to be for nothing, but it is better to at least be ready for that possibility because at least then it will hurt a little less since it wouldn't come as such a surprise. Not much less, it will still stink if that is what happens, but at least then you were somewhat mentally preparing yourself for it. Don't get me wrong, though. You shouldn't mentally prepare yourself as though that IS DEFINITELY going to happen. You need to give it your full heart and actually try to make it work/give her the benefit of the doubt it will get better. But, just be prepared.

I'm too embarased to talk to friends and family about it, I think in part I don't want to further test our relationship by naming n shaming her.

I definitely know how you feel here and agree with this. I always personally feel like you should consider talking to friends and family about this sort of thing a last resort. People do it all the time and I know they don't mean any harm. They just want some advice and a friendly ear. Thing is, when you tell your friends and family about things like this, they hear your side of the story, they hear how it hurts you.... but then they never get the benefit of the makeup if and when you two do makeup. Sometimes that can, though it isn't your intention, start to paint a bad picture of your partner in their minds.

When your friends and/or family keep hearing about all the bad times, that can start to color what they think of the person in general. The person you should be talking to about issues in your relationship.... is the person with whom you are in a relationship. Of course, sometimes things don't get better and you do just need some friendly advice. I'm not saying you should never talk to people you two actually know, I'm just saying it should be a last resort kind of thing. So, I definitely get what you mean by this.

[Hooo!]

as if you never enjoy flirting with and looking at other women.

for heavens sake be happy for her nice dancing and then **** her when she gets home.
let other men make her horny and then take the credit.

if shes a very good dancer then let her show you.
naked if you can.

i dont see your problem