Friend feels more?

[Phillippa1989]

Hi I am Pippa. I have a boyfriend and we have a close male friend who flirts constantly with me. For ages I thought he hated me because of how he would act around me sometimes. He would insult me and put me down then the next minute would be flirting. We are never alone together. Last week we got drunk and he kissed me twice outside and was saying we both love you and was being really sweet and tender with his arms on my face and around me. Unfortunately i was too light headed and dizzy to push him off but i know my lips did not move (does that count as cheating?). He claims to not remember trying it on but funny he says he remembers telling us other things. Before this happened we were going to do an activity helping the community but on Sunday i asked if he wanted to still do it and he said he had forgotten about work that day. I've tried to arrange to meet up alone to talk about it but he won't answer. We saw each other twice since it happened and things have been different in a good way and we are much more relaxed around each other and we keep making eye contact. He spoke to my boyfriend when i wasn't around giving me compliments and saying nice thing's. Now my boyfriend thinks he wants me also but i don't know and I'm so confused as to what it meant and how i feel. He also said under the influence of alcohol that my best features are my eyes and personality but could this be the alcohol or did he mean it? He is a shy guy.

[SpinningWheel]

Hi Pippa,
Just to be clear on your dilemma...are you feeling that you might want him too? Or just unsure how to deal with him wanting you too?
Ian

[Phillippa1989]

Hi, how do i deal with him wanting me too?.

[shrah25]

Hi I am Pippa. I have a boyfriend and we have a close male friend who flirts constantly with me. For ages I thought he hated me because of how he would act around me sometimes. He would insult me and put me down then the next minute would be flirting. We are never alone together. Last week we got drunk and he kissed me twice outside and was saying we both love you and was being really sweet and tender with his arms on my face and around me. Unfortunately i was too light headed and dizzy to push him off but i know my lips did not move (does that count as cheating?). He claims to not remember trying it on but funny he says he remembers telling us other things. Before this happened we were going to do an activity helping the community but on Sunday i asked if he wanted to still do it and he said he had forgotten about work that day. I've tried to arrange to meet up alone to talk about it but he won't answer. We saw each other twice since it happened and things have been different in a good way and we are much more relaxed around each other and we keep making eye contact. He spoke to my boyfriend when i wasn't around giving me compliments and saying nice thing's. Now my boyfriend thinks he wants me also but i don't know and I'm so confused as to what it meant and how i feel. He also said under the influence of alcohol that my best features are my eyes and personality but could this be the alcohol or did he mean it? He is a shy guy.

Hi [MENTION=85398]Phillippa1989[/MENTION]

Thanks for your message.

What you're going through is very common but let me provide my two cents worth.

Firstly, it sounds like he was playing a bit of a game at the beginning of your message with the put downs and then the flirting tactics. This is extremely popular with a lot of men because it actually gets a response from the women that they pursue.
I don't condone it because it's not a sustainable approach but a lot of guys to do it.

In terms of him forgetting the experience, I have no doubt that he does remember but he probably has a bit of a conscience and hence pretending like it never happened. You can be sure of one thing - this guy likes you. I have absolutely no doubt about that based on the information that you have provided. So then the question is...

How do you feel about him?

One thing I noticed about your message is that you didn't make much of a mention of your Boyfriend in terms of the feelings you have for him. This is not a judgement, merely an observation.

If you don't mind me asking, how is the relationship going? Are you in love with him?

You need to be really clear about how you feel about him as well as this will be a significant factor around your decision making process with the other guy.

The other thing you need to consider is whether you are letting the 'excitement' of the other guy cloud your judgement of the situation. I'm not saying you are, I just work with a lot of men and women who let this happen and then live to regret it in the long run because of the excitement of the situation.

So it's really important for you to be honest with yourself regarding this.

I hope all this makes sense. Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri

[Phillippa1989]

We have been together for over 6 years. We were engaged but i stopped wearing my ring and refer to him as my boyfriend now. I feel like we aren't going anywhere which makes me sad. This other guy is a close friend to us both and i have never seen him as more than that but the last few days i may have started having feelings but it's complicated. I've tried to get him alone so we can talk but he won't. He even lied saying this event we were going too he wasn't going but i then found out he did go and didnt tell me. I dunno how to address this if he won't talk to me. We have seen each other since it happened and he's been so different and really nice to me and paying me even more compliments.

- - - Updated - - -

I also messaged him online asking if he wanted to meet up and have a chat but he never replied.

[shrah25]

Hi there

I personally think you are approaching this the wrong way.
Obviously the uncertainty of the situation is what's proving to be a challenge for you. This is understandable given the circumstances but I believe that if you want to really address this properly, you need to 'clear the clutter'.

By this I mean, address the situation with your boyfriend. If your current relationship is going nowhere, then there are strategies so that you can either (a) restore the passion and excitement in the relationship or (b) transition out of the relationship in a classy way that will allow you both to move on freely.

Until the clutter is cleared, it's going to be very difficult for you to get the outcomes you are after with the other guy.

I hope that makes sense.

Thanks

[Hooo!]

what do you want?

[Phillippa1989]

Little update.
Well i have definitely developed feelings and i just don't know what to do.
The friend came over and started talking about this girl he went on a date with a while ago and seeing her again.
Later, we cuddled up because this whole thing has been upsetting me but i didn't say that and he had his arm around me and was rubbing my shoulder, my ear and stroking my hair and putting his chin on my head. It gave me goosebumps and feelings i haven't had in a long time.
I am so confused. Why would he talk about other girls then act like this with me?.
I've tried to get alone time to talk but that never happened.
He also started liking a lot of the things i post on Facebook.
Should i distance myself away ? I don't know what else to do.

- - - Updated - - -

No alcohol involved this time. He also started stroking my hands and putting his fingers against mine.

[Hooo!]

ask him? tell him?
or else dont and just physically escalate (or better: give him the opportunity to physically escalate)?