Strategy to get a second chance

[tim007]

Hey all, sorry in advance for the long message, really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I’m here because I’ve recently broken up with a girl I had been dating and really cared about. I’ve tried just about everything to get over it, have kept myself busy with friends, seen other girls, and just generally tried my best not to think about her. I find myself a little embarrassed sharing all of this because it shows that I’ve let a single person affect me so much.

A little background about myself: I’m 25 years old, working full- time now after graduating from college in 2015. I’ve never been much of a relationship guy, in fact I’ve only had one real relationship before that lasted maybe a year or year and a half back towards the end of high school. In college I never even gave it a thought having a girlfriend, I just enjoyed going out and meeting many different girls. Now that I’m working and a little more settled down, I’ve started dating more frequently and have thought about trying to find a partner or girlfriend. I’ve found it much more difficult post college meeting girl’s organically through friends and connections even though I do have quite a few girl friends and have a pretty outgoing personality, decent looks, and a good job. I’ll admit, I’ve resorted to the Tinder and Bumble scene and have had relative success with it.

Let’s call the girl I just broke up with Jane. Jane and I matched on Bumble over a year ago, we talked for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, but then never met because she was still on and off with her ex-boyfriend who had moved out of the state. We just stopped talking or rather she just didn’t respond any further. It was no big deal and I didn’t push my luck at all or act desperate in any way. Fast forward a year and I get a Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram friend request from her. I come to find that she had deleted her social media and had just re- added everyone. I had completely forgotten this girl, but I took the opportunity to send her a message or two and then ask her to dinner, which she accepts.

I pick her up in my nice car and take her to a nice restaurant, where we had a great dinner, enjoyed some nice food and drinks and really got on very well with one another. After dinner we decided to grab “another drink” which turned into several drinks and essentially we went out together that night until 2AM or so. In my previous blind dates, I never really made it past the dinner part before dropping the girl off. This time we were having an amazing time with each other and it was definitely a good first date. At the end of the night, since we had been drinking and I lived rather far away, she invited me to stay at her house. Just want to disclose here, that she still lives in her parents’ house so she literally had to ask her mom’s permission to have me over. (She’s 24 years old, I’m now 25)I stay the night over there, we make out, sleep together, but don’t have sex. It was a great first date and I knew at that point when I woke up the following morning that I would be seeing this girl again.

3 months isn’t a long time for most people, but for me it kind of is. I developed feelings for her during this time period and I could tell she did the same, but maybe not to the same degree. Now, I’ll get to the point of how and why we broke up/stopped seeing eachother and to do that I think a little background on her would be helpful. “Jane” blew me away with her looks and she is a genuinely happy and nice girl with a good personality, very fun to be around. While early on, everything was going well and we got along great, there were a few red flags that I noticed. [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] living at home as a 24 year old was a little odd, not that it’s too uncommon, but she could afford to live on her own. During the first month of seeing each other, I spent significant amount of time at her house, becoming friendly with her parents who definitely seemed to like me.[URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] She had a strangely close relationship with her mom, and I’m really not a judgmental person, in fact I’m very close to my family too, but trust me it was oddly close between the two of them. Her mom in my opinion controls a lot of what she does and she shares everything with her mom. [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3]#3[/URL] This started after our very first date, she started posting every photo of us on Facebook and Instagram, while constantly posting Snapchat stories with me in them. Things were moving very very fast… Too fast. She was promoting her new found relationship and it was something I kind of liked, but found to be a little over the top. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not a relationship guy, I don’t know any better, and this girl is sooo good looking, I wasn’t complaining. Lastly [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4]#4[/URL] , she was a little nutty with the social media as a whole, commonly posting several things a day on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, possibly because she needed that little bit of extra attention. Other than these few red flags, everything seemed good and we were both happy as can be for the first 5-6 weeks of seeing each other.

After about 6 weeks when we had our first argument/fight/disagreement/miscommunication or whatever you want to call it. I had taken a weekend trip to Washington DC to visit some friends and it was no big deal, we stayed in touch for that weekend through a few texts here and there. What I later found out was that she was a little disappointed that I didn’t facetime and call her more because I had mentioned that I would before I left for the trip. I was just having fun and was pre occupied with my friends, no big deal. Anyways, she didn’t make a huge deal about it, but the following weekend is when we had our first problem (That I don’t know if we ever truly recovered from) We had loose plans to meetup on a Friday night. I was grabbing a drink with one of my guy friends and she was going out with one of her girlfriends and essentially that night we had a miscommunication, I texted her a few too many time trying to meetup and she got annoyed with me and kind of blew me off. The next morning we talked on the phone for a few minutes and I made a mistake. I should have apologized and just said it was no big deal, I acted stupid last night, just wanted to see you, instead we got into this big argument. We didn’t talk for the majority of that Saturday until she texted me with a “hey” that night and we sort of made up a little.

Essentially, we made it about 6 weeks of perfect, no problems, kind of a honeymoon period. After this fight we had many good times together, but the fighting and arguments occurred on a weekly basis from here on out. It was the sort of unavoidable fights that were occurring, usually her picking them. She opened up to me that she had some anxiety problems, had had some cheating ex boy friends and would commonly shut down whenever there was an issue. I started to see an unstable side to this girl that I hadn’t seen before. I couldn’t help but think of the sexy/crazy matrix. Where girls just can’t have it all, the good looks, smarts, sanity. (Joking here of course) After a few fights and instability between us, Jane started to slowly but surely take down our social media photos. It wasn’t a great sign, but then again this girl is a little whacky with the social media. T

On a good night, when we had a good week, I showed my very first bit of weakness. We had “the talk” and basically agreed that we aren’t seeing other people. Being honest, I was a little awkward with how I proposed it, but it didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. The next month or two, until our eventual downfall, we spent some fun days and nights together, took trips to Disney, went to the beach, etc. But we had a few underlying issues. I may have become a little overbearing, needy, less confident. After our first big argument, I sent a bouquet of flowers to her work one day, which was a really nice gesture and she seemed to really appreciate it. Of course this good will only lasted another week or so and we were having issues again. Valentines Day came around and I took her out to the beach, organized picking up heart shaped pizza and we enjoyed a great night. It’s just those grand gestures, while they seem like you’re doing something to make the relationship better, it doesn’t really help. Had to be more aloof and less dependent on her and stop trying too hard.

When we were on the brink of breaking up with each other, I sent her a long email (Stupid mistake, I know) that was really from the heart. (I mentioned many things in that email, but I also mentioned that I was starting to fall in love with her)She seemed to appreciate the email and said she needed some time to gather her thoughts/feelings and we would talk about it all. 2 days go by and she hadn’t reached out directly. She was indirectly liking my mom and my sisters Instagram posts, even commenting on them, but she hadn’t texted me anything.

This is where I made my greatest mistake, I went to a professional sporting event with another girl. I put a snapchat story up that panned the game and then had the girl in it as well. It was stupid, immature and I shouldn’t have done it. I wanted to make Jane jealous. I received a text from her 15 minutes later saying “Never talk to me again” and after that there was simply no coming back. She said my email had been completely thrown out the window by this. She blocked me on Facebook and Snapchat that night, only to eventually unblock me, but never added me back as a friend. She didn’t however block me on Instagram.

I never begged, I didn’t completely lose my pride, but there was nothing I could do now. I asked for my apartment key, $100, and sweatshirt back and she replied that she would return by Sunday. Of course Sunday comes around and she doesn’t drop anything off. Instead of becoming pushy I just let it go for a few days and sure enough the following Thursday, she texted me saying she had dropped the stuff under my mat while I was at work. She waited a full 4 days later to drop my stuff off when she easily could have done it earlier. She works right across the street from my apartment. For me, this was the final straw.

Again, I’ll reiterate that I didn’t beg, but I did try one more time to have a conversation with her via text. I explained that I was sorry how our relationship was ending up and that I was guilty of making some mistakes. She asked me what I thought I had done wrong and I explained. She agreed with a lot of what I was saying. We left it there with me saying I’d love to just see you sometime just to talk and clear the air. She said she needed to be alone and that it was too much for her right now. She seemed ticked off with me about the snapchat still, saying “she already knew you could get other pretty girls” and “you do you.” She resented the fact that I had sent that snapchat just to receive a reaction from her. I really can’t blame her, it was a stupid decision to do that.

As the next week or two went by, she continued liking all of my moms and my sisters Instagram posts (Yes she had them on Instagram) She also like my Instagram post with a few of my friends. She snapchat messaged a mutual friend whom she only had met once through me. It just seemed like I couldn’t shake her off. She was still indirectly in contact with me, but not actually reaching out. The next weekend, I saw her at a bar from a distance as she walked in, we made awkward eye contact but said nothing to each other. It was a huge bar but of course she chose to stand maybe 10-15 feet away from my friends and I, almost as to show off how great she looked that night. A few days after this occurrence, was my 25th birthday. I received plenty of happy birthday wishes from friends and family, but wondered if she would say anything. Sure enough, later in the day she texted me a ”happy birthday” no exclamations, no emojis, but a happy birthday nonetheless. I let an hour or so go and respond nicely to her, saying I hope she’s doing well. She replied one more time wishing me well and that was it, it was left like that.

The following week, maybe 10 days after we had officially stopped seeing/talking to eachother, she’s posting photos with another guy… It hurt to see, but at the same time it confused me a lot. This guy looks like a step down, as biased as I may be this dude is surprisingly overweight, not attractive, older (as in approx. 35 years old) Thoughts start going through my head, he must be rich or have a great job, how could she move on so quickly, is she just a serial dater, is it a rebound. I had no idea, but I don’t see them being together say 6 months or a year from now. He must be 10 years older, he’s overweight, etc. So I let another week or so go and block her on Instagram (Only social media I still had her on). Just so she can’t see what I’m up to and I can’t see what she’s up to. A few days after this, she texts me unexpectedly while I’m at work with a picture of one of my old shirts that I had let her wear one time. The message said “Do you want this?” Maybe I shouldn’t have thought too much into it and she had just come across the shirt, and was trying to be nice, but it was just an old t shirt, it had been a few weeks without contact, it could also have been her fishing for a response. Either way, I replied “No thanks, don’t need it” and that was the last contact I’ve had with her exactly 2 weeks ago from today.

I would love to hear any opinions regarding this and whether or not you think I have any shot here. A 3 month relationship is not a long time, it’s already been a few days over a month since we really stopped seeing each other. I can hardly say something if she is dating another guy, but I do want to try ONE more time at some point to try and win her back. I’ve kind of already used up my no contact period and now need a long term strategy here. I’ll move on for the time being, maybe even find another girlfriend, but this girl is special to me and at some point I want to reach out to her again. I guess I want to know whether or not you recommend trying to start a conversation with her now or do I wait 6 months down thr road until the dust has completely settled? And do I bring up the relationship and its problems or pretend like nothing happened? I’m hoping the new guy is a rebound, he seems way older and like I said not the greatest looking.

Moral of this story, I think I tried to force the relationship too much as opposed to just letting it happen. It’s tough now because I just think of the unfulfilled potential, what could have been.

[shrah25]

Hi [MENTION=85505]tim007[/MENTION]

Well, that is one hell of a novel!

Anyway, to sum everything up, you did mess up a bit here in terms of your behaviour and the somewhat neediness, as well as some of the social media behaviour.
What I will say here though is that both of your behaviour is a little childish. I do understand the nature of modern day communications and so on, but I don't personally recommend pushing it too much with this woman right now.

I would give it some time - let the dust settle - and then if you still find yourself having deep feelings for her, then you can kick-start comms again but I just think moving forward now would only result in a failed relationship. I've seen these sorts of scenarios too many times (as well as being in one myself a number of years ago) and no matter how tempting it is, it's important to take a step back here.

I think a little maturing and other dating experiences will help you before you potentially attempt things with this girl again (if you decide to).

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, let me know.

Thanks

[tim007]

Hi Shrah25

I really appreciate your reply and agree with you/will continue moving on from this one. I realize I made some mistake here, but want to be careful not blame myself entirely for the failed relationship. She was slightly more on the difficult side and had some issues going on as well.

Reaching out now wouldn't solve anything, in fact it would probably just make matters worse. It's time to get the idea of contacting her out of my mind. If I do run into her in say 6 months or a year down the road, who knows what could happen. It wasn't the cleanest breakup, but at the same time there wasn't any name calling or cheating involved either. 3 months isn't a very long relationship, but we shared some great times together and the feelings were definitely there.


Have to live and learn from mistakes


All the best, Tim