my DRAMA... it hurts so much

Please bare with my English since i sucked at it.
I guess I just want to vent. Last night i went and meet her again as friends. Its been more than a month since I saw her. So I went to her house and picked her up. Everything came back when I saw her. I know I'm still in love with her. I hugged her tight for at least a whole minute since i really missed her then gave her the dozen of roses that I bought. I guess she wasn't really happy about it since she said you didnt have to but I told her I want to give her those roses. She picked the card on the roses and read it. So we went to the sushi restaurant and ate. We just talked about whats going on with her life and my life. I told her I am exploring my options and hanging out with other girls. But in my head I am still in love with her and no matter what I do, I still want her.. After eating sushi we went to a bar. Finished a bottle of hard liquor and started walking to the beach. This is where I became emotional. I told her Im still in love with her. She was pretty much drunk too. She told me she does not love me anymore. I was just heartbroken. It sucks and it really hurt. After that we went back to the car and I held her hand. She was holding my hand too. We got the her house and then I parked the car outside. I told her everything that was inside of me that I had been holding in. I asked her to look me in the eye and tell me that she doesnt love me. She was hesitating and she did not want to say it. This time she started crying... But then she looked me in the eye and told me she doesnt love me then she blinked. I asked her why did u blink if you really don't love me? but at the same time why would she tell me she doesnt love me if its not true.. I told her fine if you don't love me I will accept that but cant we just date like before? I'm willing to settle for less just to be with you.. After that I was started tearing up. I couldn't hold the pain anymore. I usually hide my feelings because I am a guy and I don't want other people to see me weak. I asked her why are you even crying if you don't love me? Why are you crying if you don't care anymore? How can you cry if you are not hurting? Then she opened the door of the car and left. I chased her and hold her hand but then she wont let me touch her. I went back to my car and parked in front of her place. I opened my door and grabbed the roses and stuff toy that was for her. I dropped those on the side of their parking lot. Then she screamed my name..
She hugged me tight and told me "I'm sorry"...
I told her "it ends here.. I am done trying to fix this.. "
then I pushed her slowly but then she was just hugging me so tight and wont let me go. I just look stupid that I'm crying there in front of her house. So I took out her hand and walked away...

I looked back and I saw her crying. I told her "you know, all you have to say are the right words and u know those right words. you know I will stay if you say those words. Then I went back to my car and drove home. All I can do was cry while driving for an hour. It sucks..It sucks. I just wanna die last night.

Breakups are really hard. She doesn't seem over you, but, she looks like she wants to be over you.

You made you final plea. The ball is in her hands. Give her time to think about it and be prepared for disappointment. That night was an emotional one for you both. She needs alone time to think.

One peice of advice. Try to not go through this again. If you meet up with her again. Don't go through this whole mess once more. If push comes to shove, cut contact with her. You need to think about your well being. Having someone you love in your life without it being given back is very painful.

First off sorry to see you hurting over a breakup. Now it's time to answer the questions you pose- they are tough love answers.

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Originally Posted by davidtorres [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

gave her the dozen of roses that I bought. I guess she wasn't really happy about it since she said you didnt have to but I told her I want to give her those roses. She picked the card on the roses and read it.

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"Friends" don't give "friends" roses. Don't this again. It makes you feel worse that she didn't love them. This makes her feel awkward because well "friends" don't give "friends" roses. Don't do this again. (Yes, I know it's nice, and I know you were just being sweet... but "friends" don't give "friends" roses).

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Originally Posted by davidtorres [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Finished a bottle of hard liquor and started walking to the beach. This is where I became emotional. I told her Im still in love with her. She was pretty much drunk too. She told me she does not love me anymore.

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This is just as bad, even worse than drunk dialing- you told her to her face. Do not drink with this woman... you can't control the things that come out of your mouth when you drink with this woman.

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Originally Posted by davidtorres [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was just heartbroken. It sucks and it really hurt. After that we went back to the car and I held her hand. She was holding my hand too. We got the her house and then I parked the car outside. I told her everything that was inside of me that I had been holding in. I asked her to look me in the eye and tell me that she doesnt love me. She was hesitating and she did not want to say it. This time she started crying... But then she looked me in the eye and told me she doesnt love me then she blinked. I asked her why did u blink if you really don't love me? I told her fine if you don't love me I will accept that but cant we just date like before?

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A few things to address.
1) crying does not mean she still loves you. It could... but likely she was crying becasue she saw you hurting so bad... that can rip a gal up. But do not think that means she loves you and wants you back. Don't be confused.
2) holding your hand does also not mean she loves you and wants you back. It could be she couldn't bear to reject you AND your hand at that very moment.
3) you forced a girl to tell you straight to your face that she didn't love you, all the while you're totally and completely broken down... you think that's easy for a gal? then the poor broken girl blinks and you assume she was lying to you? Sorry buddy- not true.
4) none of what she did in the above paragraph meant she still loves you or wants to be with you. Seeing someone hurt becasue of what you did to him hurts just as much as being the one who IS hurt. Don't mistake that for repressed feelings
5) you said you'd accept her feelings as not in love with you. Accept it as you said you would.
6) no you can't "date" like you did before. Why? Because you're in love with her, she knows it, she also knows that hanging out with you isn't in any shape, way or form going to be comfortable for her because she knows how much she hurt you and continues to hurt you by remaining in your life while you still love her.

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Originally Posted by davidtorres [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I asked her why are you even crying if you don't love me? Why are you crying if you don't care anymore? How can you cry if you are not hurting?

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Please see what I wrote above. You are mistaking reactions with feelings the 2 are not the same.

So there is your closure. Breakups are hard for both parties, not just the one who got dumped. It isn't easy to break a guys heart.

And despite everything I said up there. Yes, she cares for you, yes she 'loves' you (but that love isn't the one that makes relationships work). Yes leaving a good guy behind is hard. Seeing him ripped up is also hard. But don't mistake that for her wanting to get back.

Keep busy... and try not to think about this over and over and over... The road to recovering is a long, agonizing one... but if you loved once, you can love again.

thanks guys. I am trying my best to suppress my feelings. After last night, I accepted that she does not love me nor does not want to date me ever again. It hurts so much but I will move on.

Shitty.

Your heart always heals... that's the good news.

It will heal but right now it hurts so much. I'm trying to do my best to be busy but i still think of her when I'm driving, at home or at work. :-(

^ Now is the time to call up your friends. Now is the time you stay busy with tasks. And of course you will think of her but if you're busy most of the time, it happens less and less.... and it hurts less and less.

thanks. I'll do my best to get out the house this coming weekend.