Need an outside perspective- overbearing or reasonable?

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29-06-13, 04:18 PM
Helllllo?

Need an outside perspective- overbearing or reasonable?

So I have been dating my SO for four years now, and recently he admitted that he is a bit frustrated that he didnt get to experience the "single life" since we are both young (20's). We do not live together, and with uni and work we rarely go out alone together. Most of the time it's either with mutual friends or to each others house with the family.

For about the third time now, his work/uni mates (who happen to be ALL female) have invited both of us out for the evening. However, as with every other time, he tells me that he wants to go without me since they are his friends. I have told him that I am fine with him going out with his friends without me, but I do not think that getting drunk (which is the aim at most of these nights) with other women that I have NEVER met is approprite.

It is a bit hard for us, since we went through school together and share the same friends, except for the ones he makes at uni and work. He got very upset when I went out with a mutual male friend and my sister to see a movie a while ago, but says that what he does is fine because he has changed his mind about how he would feel if I did the same thing.

I do trust him, but I don't think that is is appropriate for him to be getting drunk with women who I have never met. It seems weird to me that he insists on going alone even when I was also invited along. His attitude seems to be that he would not have fun if I were there also, and that he isnt happy for me to meet these female friends of his. Even though he says otherwise, i KNOW that he would not be happy with me doing the same thing with male friends.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overbearing, or if I have a valid reason to be upset about it. :upset:
29-06-13, 04:25 PM
searock

I think he needs and wants to be single... I think you should tell him clearly: "I understand that you feel like you're missing out. If you feel like this relationship isn't giving you what you want and need, it's better to break up with me than drag it on for my sake. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. So make your decision now." Reassure him that you won't kill yourself or anything if he breaks up with you, let him choose. There's no point being with a guy who is constantly wishing to not be with you for some reason.
29-06-13, 04:28 PM
rafterman

I'd be pissed off too. This guy has a double standard and if anyone is going to have a fling, its going to be him ! What do you think his intentions are with these women ? I know, but do you ?
29-06-13, 04:43 PM
cali123

Oh heck no.
29-06-13, 05:14 PM
TablesandChairs

I think he no longer cares and wants to be single and is hoping you get the hint. In relationships, friends become mutual, you go out together (not always, but commonly). He wouldn't have fun if you were there? That's a bit of a kick to the teeth...I think you need to get the message.
29-06-13, 05:20 PM
toknow

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helllllo? [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So I have been dating my SO for four years now, and recently he admitted that he is a bit frustrated that he didnt get to experience the "single life" since we are both young (20's). We do not live together, and with uni and work we rarely go out alone together. Most of the time it's either with mutual friends or to each others house with the family.

For about the third time now, his work/uni mates (who happen to be ALL female) have invited both of us out for the evening. However, as with every other time, he tells me that he wants to go without me since they are his friends. I have told him that I am fine with him going out with his friends without me, but I do not think that getting drunk (which is the aim at most of these nights) with other women that I have NEVER met is approprite.

It is a bit hard for us, since we went through school together and share the same friends, except for the ones he makes at uni and work. He got very upset when I went out with a mutual male friend and my sister to see a movie a while ago, but says that what he does is fine because he has changed his mind about how he would feel if I did the same thing.

I do trust him, but I don't think that is is appropriate for him to be getting drunk with women who I have never met. It seems weird to me that he insists on going alone even when I was also invited along. His attitude seems to be that he would not have fun if I were there also, and that he isnt happy for me to meet these female friends of his. Even though he says otherwise, i KNOW that he would not be happy with me doing the same thing with male friends.

I'm not sure if I'm just being overbearing, or if I have a valid reason to be upset about it. :upset:

You are not being overbearing at all. You have a very valid reason to be concerned as he has expressed frustration for not experiencing the "single life". Experience what? It's all the same, unless you are with the one you love. People are so foolish to think they gain anything by being with more people, when it's the opposite. They lose. Time passes you by in an instant, and you should want to spend that instant with the one you love.
29-06-13, 05:24 PM
Helllllo?

Well a few months ago, we had that chat. I was the one who brought it up, too. I basically offered a break in our relationship so that he can figure out what it is that he wants. He had a good think about it and said that it was just a phase- he didn't want to have a break and said that he's happy in the relationship and doesn't want to lose me.

I feel bad for being so upset by him going out like that, because I know that he needs and deserves time to socialise without me. It's just the situation with the drinking and the girls that I haven't met... I think that he really needs some guy mates to spend that time with
29-06-13, 05:28 PM
toknow

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helllllo? [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well a few months ago, we had that chat. I was the one who brought it up, too. I basically offered a break in our relationship so that he can figure out what it is that he wants. He had a good think about it and said that it was just a phase- he didn't want to have a break and said that he's happy in the relationship and doesn't want to lose me.

I feel bad for being so upset by him going out like that, because I know that he needs and deserves time to socialise without me. It's just the situation with the drinking and the girls that I haven't met... I think that he really needs some guy mates to spend that time with

If one has the need for affection from someone other than the person they are in a relationship with, they do not truly love that person. A person you really love will stand out from the rest in such a major way, that the rest would not be able to even compare.

There is a reason why most of his friends are girls. Do you think that reason is benign and platonic. What does he get from those girls that he doesn't get from you?
29-06-13, 05:51 PM
michelle23

If he is not already cheating on you-I would be very surprised. I think you need to take control of this situation. Take the decision away from him and end it now. When people have been in a long term relationship-it can take a year or more for them to work up the courage to end it when they want out. He has shown you through words and actions that this relationship is no longer a priority. First of all he says he has "missed out" on the single life and second of all he wants to hang out and drink with a bunch of girls that you have never met. My guess is he fancies the pants off one of them and doesnt want you to find out or he has a new gf and neither of you know about each other.

You were both very young when you met each other. Its very rare that it would work out and there is no point flogging a dead horse. You can either wait around for him to dump you and rip your heart out (which is coming) or you can dump him now and start moving on.

What he is doing with those college friends is wrong. It is a line that should not be crossed.. If he refuses to introduce you to them, then he IS hiding something and you deserve better than that

Break up, both of you go and experience being single. Have fun with your friends. Life without him is not as scary as you think it is. You will be fine.
29-06-13, 10:51 PM
lalalita

Yikes. This sounds like the 5 year relationship that gave me ALL of my trust issues and insecurities. We got together young, things got very serious, he never "had a chance to have fun". Fast forward, I was engaged and being cheated on and lied to daily. I was never invited out along with his friends, which he always had a ridiculous reason for. His phone was never out of his pocket or off of his person, which he always had a ridiculous reason for. He was lying about his locations and the people he was with almost daily. He got caught a bunch of times, explained he "never had a chance to have fun" but "loved me so much" and "didn't want" the break that I suggested. It went on for years and got worse and worse. There were times when he would "change"...but you can't teach an old dog new tricks. He was insanely protective, jealous and held double standards.

Honey, please take my advice and GET OUT NOW before you get the emotional damage that I did for staying for way too long.
29-06-13, 11:00 PM
michelle23

Quote:

Originally Posted by lalalita [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yikes. This sounds like the 5 year relationship that gave me ALL of my trust issues and insecurities. We got together young, things got very serious, he never "had a chance to have fun". Fast forward, I was engaged and being cheated on and lied to daily. I was never invited out along with his friends, which he always had a ridiculous reason for. His phone was never out of his pocket or off of his person, which he always had a ridiculous reason for. He was lying about his locations and the people he was with almost daily. He got caught a bunch of times, explained he "never had a chance to have fun" but "loved me so much" and "didn't want" the break that I suggested. It went on for years and got worse and worse. There were times when he would "change"...but you can't teach an old dog new tricks. He was insanely protective, jealous and held double standards.

Honey, please take my advice and GET OUT NOW before you get the emotional damage that I did for staying for way too long.

Hope you learned your lesson? Never forgive a cheat. Walk away the FIRST time for your own sake