OMG guys, I just had an epiphany on love while replying to posts!

I was posting how nothing feels as good as romance, so when I get into a relationship it becomes the centre of my world, and also about how nothing is a sure thing so it's bad to trust, etc.

And just now it hit me:

MAYBE...the "love" feels so good because I/we project our ideals and expectations of it being safe and secure and permanent. Books/movies/etc. kinda reinforce that false belief. BUT if you accept that no relationship is forever and that you can't REALLY trust that person--the "love"/relationship becomes less appealing and it no longer feels as good--because you don't mistake it for something amazing (which it isn't). And that way you can avoid getting overly attached, etc.

Please comment/give your thoughts/discuss/debate...

Yup... this stage is properly called "infatuation". It's not love.

Real love means you actually know your partner for who they are, warts and all... and love them to pieces anyhow.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yup... this stage is properly called "infatuation". It's not love.

Real love means you actually know your partner for who they are, warts and all... and love them to pieces anyhow.

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lol but that real love you speak of doesn't even exist. Even they can leave any time.

What does loving have to do with leaving?

I don't believe that at all, yes sometimes relationships end but just because they do does not mean I am going to never trust that I will not find love again. I trust my partner and I love him.

I could leave anytime I wanted to but I won't unless he gives me a reason to. I don't know if this relationship will last forever but at the moment I feel like it will, if it ends then I will move on..learn from mistakes and find love again.

Of course I feel safe and secure with my partner, you don't stay with someone who makes you feel unsafe. I'm not infatuated because I feel secure and safe.

if something will eventually end and you don't know when = not secure/permanent/fickle

OFFS.. I don't know where you're getting your ideas from but wherever it is, stop visiting there.

ALL relationships end either through death or through breakup. That doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy someone in the interim. Goodness you need to realize that even though a relationship will eventually end that you won't die because of it. That with the right time and what you do with your time, you will come through your grief at the other end of the tunnel you just journeyed through and you will love again. Work on you and the rest will follow.

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Originally Posted by Ugly_Swan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

lol but that real love you speak of doesn't even exist.

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Yes it does.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes it does.

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Not if all "love" comes to an end. It literally then implies that the person is not wholly loved--because the end comes when the person is no longer "acceptable".

Ugly swan, why are you such a negative person? What happened? You need to work on that. It's unattractive.

Perhaps better question would be " Ugly Swan, why are you so ugly(from inside)?

You could be less ugly and more swan.

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Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perhaps better question would be " Ugly Swan, why are you so ugly(from inside)?

You could be less ugly and more swan.

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lol I actually disagree about being ugly on the inside. I'm pretty caring and empathetic and silly and clever and multi-faceted. But it's like I have an internal cancer that I just can't hide anymore. I can't deny my fear anymore by covering it up--it leads to anxiety. So I have to explore it now so I can tryyyy and stop it.

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Originally Posted by Ugly_Swan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was posting how nothing feels as good as romance, so when I get into a relationship it becomes the centre of my world, and also about how nothing is a sure thing so it's bad to trust, etc.

And just now it hit me:

MAYBE...the "love" feels so good because I/we project our ideals and expectations of it being safe and secure and permanent. Books/movies/etc. kinda reinforce that false belief. BUT if you accept that no relationship is forever and that you can't REALLY trust that person--the "love"/relationship becomes less appealing and it no longer feels as good--because you don't mistake it for something amazing (which it isn't). And that way you can avoid getting overly attached, etc.

Please comment/give your thoughts/discuss/debate...

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It's true. Love may feel good but it's no more significant than a rumbling feeling in your stomach. It's still ultimately just a series of emotions to motivate you to carry out a biological function (reproduction and raising kiddies).

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Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perhaps better question would be " Ugly Swan, why are you so ugly(from inside)?

You could be less ugly and more swan.

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You're a dick. And you don't understand much either.

^^^ that's rude and off topic. He actually has a point. OP is wanting to contemplate her need to be in a relationship while being, at the same time, afraid of one... That's become clear in this particular thread (at least to me). She has inside issues that are hindering her romantic and personal life. She comes up with something that she believes that is counter-productive to her getting to the stage where she can successfully manuever through a reciprocal and loving relationship by tainting the idea of love itself. That is ugly.

Swan is just more sensitive than many of you. Probably because she's smarter than many of you. Smarter people tend to be more sensitive. Swan I'm not sure how old you are, but maybe you're around the wrong people too.

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Originally Posted by RobertWQ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Swan is just more sensitive than many of you. Probably because she's smarter than many of you. Smarter people tend to be more sensitive. Swan I'm not sure how old you are, but maybe you're around the wrong people too.

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bahahahhhahahhahha!. Sorry, couldn't help myself. She's can get past her sensitivity by not continuing in her current MO in dating. It's that simple. This is about being logical rather then general intelligence and where do you get from her posts thats she's more sensitive? What she's on about does not = sensitivity.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

^^^ that's rude and off topic. He actually has a point. OP is wanting to contemplate her need to be in a relationship while being, at the same time, afraid of one... That's become clear in this particular thread (at least to me). She has inside issues that are hindering her romantic and personal life. She comes up with something that she believes that is counter-productive to her getting to the stage where she can successfully manuever through a reciprocal and loving relationship by tainting the idea of love itself. That is ugly.

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It's not. It's rude to tell someone on the internet that she's "so ugly on the inside." What's wrong with you people? You're just picking on her and you don't understand her either. It's not ugly to be sensitive and pensive. I've seen far uglier behavior on this thread than anything she had to say.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

bahahahhhahahhahha!. Sorry, couldn't help myself.

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Laugh all you want, if you understood intellectual giftedness you'd recognize better what is going on here.

Thank you. Im a dick and proud with it !

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Originally Posted by RobertWQ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Laugh all you want, if you understood intellectual giftedness you'd recognize better what is going on here.

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Thank you, I shall.

This girl does not understand "reciprocal" love. Plain and simple. You can go on being Sheldon with your Big Bang theory all you want. just like I can laugh all I want.

My only thought is that I pity you.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

bahahahhhahahhahha!. Sorry, couldn't help myself. She's can get past her sensitivity by not continuing in her current MO in dating. It's that simple. This is about being logical rather then general intelligence and where do you get from her posts thats she's more sensitive? What she's on about does not = sensitivity.

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Yeah it does. She's hyper-sensitive about her looks, and probably hyper-sensitive about the emotions she experiences in love and loss. And she's capable of analyzing it logically and recognizing the outcome of most relationships. Those are all signs of giftedness / intelligence. Her behavior is not unusual for gifted people.

Then I echo BasilandTyme. I pity her (and you if you are thusly gifted) Key word in your post is "Hyper" that's not a good thing to be that way.

I'm not sure what your pity is supposed to give but for me you may save it. Hyper in this instance just means "above average" ... she's not going to be able to limit her sensitivity / analytical tendencies, but she can probably channel it in more positive ways ... and hopefully she will find people more like her where it won't be as much a problem.

Yes, hopefully. Also, hopefully with the very insightful posters here on this forum, she will learn not to be so hyper about things and change her views and own personal insights that do nothing to get her past the things that are not working out for her.

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Originally Posted by RobertWQ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not sure what your pity is supposed to give

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If the OP was open to the thoughts of others, I'd save my pity and give constructive thoughts and try to help. But she's only interested in arguing why she's right....so I'll save my thoughts and give pity instead.

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Originally Posted by Ugly_Swan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if something will eventually end and you don't know when = not secure/permanent/fickle

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You don't know if it will end, I go into my relationships feeling secure, you can't read the future. People have been married for years and stay together for ever.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If the OP was open to the thoughts of others, I'd save my pity and give constructive thoughts and try to help. But she's only interested in arguing why she's right....so I'll save my thoughts and give pity instead.

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Actually, if you look carefully-- I clearly said to please debate/discuss the topic. And instead of reasonable philosophical or likewise answers, I started to again get attacked. My opinion is supposed to change by being called ugly and negative? Your pity doesn't help me and I don't need it.

A lot of the posts just said I'm wrong. But I want reasons as to why. And I have reasons for my point of view, too. And I was trying to explain part of them clearly by clearing up what I meant. Yet it's taken as me trying to be right.

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Originally Posted by oxytocinbite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't know if it will end, I go into my relationships feeling secure, you can't read the future. People have been married for years and stay together for ever.

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Yes, but those instances happen because those people managed to satisfy each other's selfish needs--not because the love was permanent or real--permanence is an illusion. I don't feel secure because people change and I cannot predict how my partner will change-whether more in line with what I can give them--or farther away from something that is compatible.

So for me the challenge is to become ok with loss and to stop getting attached, I can't take it anymore. It's emotionally draining and it's killing my will to go on. If I somehow manage to stop being afraid of the fact that we are all alone, I'll be able to detach. Even writing this, I can't really accept it yet =(

And my whole point with this thread's original post is this:

Maybe the reason I (and many others) get attached and obsessed over relationships is because we look to them to save us from the existential reality and hope they will provide us with a fairy tale. By projecting our hopes we start to believe the relationship is really that amazing -- and so everything else fails in comparison to it because it (falsely and temporarily) fills the big void/the only true self-created need.

But if I somehow manage to accept that no relationship will ever make me feel safe in the world and that I'll always be alone, then I won't have a reason to get attached and so will not be all ga-ga over every guy that I really like. =/ =(

Also--

@ RobertWQ :

Thank you so much! I'm shocked at how you understood me so well and am surprised that you think I'm intelligent just from this post alone (?) >.<

Thanks for essentially standing up for me in the thread =P

As an aside, I didn't even get fazed by posters' insults or rudeness or whatever it was, because I kinda expected it -.- judging from other threads haha

You're welcome and yes, it's quite clear from your posts and analysis. I think you might benefit from being around other smart, sensitive people. They may operate more on your wavelength you'll find. In other words, they will be similarly sensitive and similarly reflective.

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Originally Posted by RobertWQ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're welcome and yes, it's quite clear from your posts and analysis. I think you might benefit from being around other smart, sensitive people. They may operate more on your wavelength you'll find. In other words, they will be similarly sensitive and similarly reflective.

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Hmmm, alright, I'll try to go to events where I can meet like-minded people to diversify my social circle a it more. Won't help with the subject of the thread, of course, but might bring me some satisfaction. Thank you ^.^

Well, you've realized that most love isn't permanent. But the experience of it will probably be better if you are meeting people who are more on your level in terms of sensitivity and intellectual disposition.

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Originally Posted by RobertWQ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, you've realized that most love isn't permanent. But the experience of it will probably be better if you are meeting people who are more on your level in terms of sensitivity and intellectual disposition.

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You think so? Won't it be too much drama if both people are sensitive?

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Originally Posted by Ugly_Swan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was posting how nothing feels as good as romance, so when I get into a relationship it becomes the centre of my world, and also about how nothing is a sure thing so it's bad to trust, etc.

And just now it hit me:

MAYBE...the "love" feels so good because I/we project our ideals and expectations of it being safe and secure and permanent. Books/movies/etc. kinda reinforce that false belief. BUT if you accept that no relationship is forever and that you can't REALLY trust that person--the "love"/relationship becomes less appealing and it no longer feels as good--because you don't mistake it for something amazing (which it isn't). And that way you can avoid getting overly attached, etc.

Please comment/give your thoughts/discuss/debate...

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If you believe the disney films, books, love stories on tv etc then you will never be happy. Most love stories only focus on the beginning of a new relationship. The infatuation, the butterflies, excitement, walking on a cloud etc..

A lot of people think as soon as that infatuation ends that something is wrong coz they dont feel crazy anymore and have insane lust etc. They stop having obsessive thoughts and anxiety which is totally normal in order to move onto the next stage of bonding but a lot of people think "shit somethings wrong, we gotta break up"-normally within the first two years.. ive been there myself which is the only reason i understand it lol but i got through it and am so crazy in love now, not infatuated-in REAL love and i love it :)

My favourite love story of all time which makes me cry everytime i watch it and ive seen it 100 times is ps i love you. It focuses on what happens way after the honeymoon period, the ups and downs and how a strong couple lasts etc.

They should really start teaching this stuff in school. "The difference between infatuation and love". Theres a reason whybor grandparents lasted 50 years or more with their first and only love and its coz they didnt watch all the confusing crap we were brought up watching

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by RobertWQ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's true. Love may feel good but it's no more significant than a rumbling feeling in your stomach. It's still ultimately just a series of emotions to motivate you to carry out a biological function (reproduction and raising kiddies).

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Again, that's not love. It's infatuation.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Real love means you actually know your partner for who they are, warts and all... and love them to pieces anyhow.

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^ So very true. It's to give and not get, never to change them for your own desires.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you believe the disney films, books, love stories on tv etc then you will never be happy. Most love stories only focus on the beginning of a new relationship. The infatuation, the butterflies, excitement, walking on a cloud etc..

A lot of people think as soon as that infatuation ends that something is wrong coz they dont feel crazy anymore and have insane lust etc. They stop having obsessive thoughts and anxiety which is totally normal in order to move onto the next stage of bonding but a lot of people think "shit somethings wrong, we gotta break up"-normally within the first two years.. ive been there myself which is the only reason i understand it lol but i got through it and am so crazy in love now, not infatuated-in REAL love and i love it :)

My favourite love story of all time which makes me cry everytime i watch it and ive seen it 100 times is ps i love you. It focuses on what happens way after the honeymoon period, the ups and downs and how a strong couple lasts etc.

They should really start teaching this stuff in school. "The difference between infatuation and love". Theres a reason whybor grandparents lasted 50 years or more with their first and only love and its coz they didnt watch all the confusing crap we were brought up watching

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

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See, that's the love I want--but I still haven't managed to get nay relationship to that stage =( I've been too unstable/overly-emotional and kept ruining everything. Or maybe it was subconscious self-sabotage because I didn't want it yet.. Sigh, I don't know.

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Originally Posted by Ugly_Swan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You think so? Won't it be too much drama if both people are sensitive?

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Someone who's not so sensitive wouldn't tolerate the drama to start with. Generally speaking, well balanced people seek partners who are positive and stable in their outlook on life and love.