Exactly. If someone isn't responsible with money... maybe you shouldn't marry them.Quote:
Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
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Exactly. If someone isn't responsible with money... maybe you shouldn't marry them.Quote:
Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Just to get it out into the open, Vashti, I want you to know I have three Coach purses and a Coach briefcase.
cbadchris, what kind of couple doesn't get each other presents for Christmas (yes, a Muslim one, I know, I know). That right there tells me something about the two of you. Your relationship seems to be stuck somewhere. Yes, she sounds like a total brat, but you sound sulky and impotent (I don't mean that in the bedroom way).
This reminds me og my brother's marriage. It sucks. The only reason they're together is because they have a seven-year-old. Other wise, he would have scrapped it by now. Why don't you? Why are you with this woman?
I want you to seriously think about that last question and answer it honestly. WHY did you marry her in the first place, when it was obvious what she was like? There must have been some reason. Is she super-hot? Did you fall in love with her potential and then she never grew as a person? Was she nicer at some point in the past?
wtf is a coach purse??
Leather bling, basically.
ohh I thought you guys were talking about a purse especially for taking on long-haul bus rides. That didn't seem so glamorous.
You both seem to have made up your minds that you're not going to work on this relationship. Make it official and end it. But don't leave w/o learning a lesson that people don't change. If they're an ass & resentful they will find something else to be and ass & resentful about after marriage.
OK, I stand corrected. Giga is definitely down to earth. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Me too.Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
_________
****ing Merricens lingo. :french:
So stand in front of the TV and talk to her. If she goes into the bedroom, follow her and talk to her. Show some determination. But before you talk you have to work out a negotiating tactic. What are your deal breakers? What is your BATNA? (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). What are the things which if not met means you're going straight to the lawyer? Work out a negotiating strategy that fulfils your needs and then execute it. You should know which possible course of action to take after the outcome of this negotiation in advance.Quote:
Originally Posted by cbadchris [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
We all want a lot of things, the question is how we go about achieving them. I was raised to believe that every single problem has at least one solution. The fact that this solution has not been achieved is a testament to not enough work being put in to achieve it.Quote:
Originally Posted by cbadchris [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Quote:
Originally Posted by cbadchris [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Chris, what she is doing is a manipulation method called 'stonewalling'. Its based in fear/wanting to avoid your issues. Interestingly, its one (stereotypically) used more by males as a defense against nagging females.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I'm not sure I agree with Mish's advice (sorry hun). Direct confrontation for stonewallers rarely gets results. They are stonewalling b/c they are already on the defensive. You need to ask her about her feelings & get her comfortable enough to open up before attempting to negotiate solutions to your problems. Think of a snail that feels it has been poked so much that it is firmly entrenched in its shell & you have a classic stonewaller. The 'poking' part doesn't have to be true, BTW (ie I'm not saying your issues aren't valid); its just their response to how they feel.
Making her feel comfortable communicating with you is definitely an investment you'll need to make to improve things. You'll have to decide for yourself if its worth it. She sounds like a difficult partner.
Anyway, here's a link I you'll find useful if you decide to continue:
[url]http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19940301-000022.html[/url]
Yeh I agree. I only suggested direct confrontation because I assumed nothing else was working. Definetly try to communicate and make her feel comfortable to talk through various means of persuasion and use direct "positive" confrontation as the last resort if all else fails. Whatever you don't give up. Imo confrontation > than giving up.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I married her because she is an active person. She likes to do the things I like. She snowboards, wakeboards, surfs, and will try anything. She is tough and still really feminine and sexy. There are many things I love about her, but she is not an adult. She watches Real World and The Hills, and won't try and better her career. I am very driven and motivated. She works a job where she gets off at 4:30 or earlier and will not take that extra step. Plus her job is dead end and she makes nothing($8hr) with no benefits and drives an hour each way in her new expensive car(she already wants a new one after 50k). I like nice things, but if I want them I bust my ass and do side work. She has so much more talent she is just wasting like her brother does. She thinks it's much easier to sit back and watch me bust my ass while she watches TV.
And yes she is verbally abusive. She is the officianado on everything and anything I do is wrong or stupid yet I make all the money and pay the bills. Her temper and confrontational attitude has almost gotten me into fights. We had a guy cut us off just last week and I said to her don't say anything just let it go. Then we saw him in the gas station up ahead and she rolls down her window and yells obsenities at him and he was not quite a sane looking man nor small in stature. I happen to have a lifted truck and it is very recognizable so I am sitting there going this guy is going to see my truck somewhere and have at it or me. Sooner or later she has to grow up or she will get me hurt or cost me more money.
I keep trying to explain to her that when you are an adult there are consequences. You may be in the right but there are certain people that have nothing to loose.
I am not a father and I don't want to live in that childish world. Sure i like to do youthful things, but that doesn't mean I act that way.
Thanks for letting me vent guys. I just have nowhere to turn.
After reading all these posts, this is what I've gotten out of it:
(I just want to sum it up. 4 pages is a lot to go through)
- she likes confrontation, but only when it's on her terms.
- the money is there (I assume you haven't put up much of a fight about it?) so she spends it willingly.
- you knew she was like this even before you got married. you guys dated for 7 years, and have been married for 1.
- she does not want counseling, and avoids it
- there are some intimacy issues (no sex for a while, sex hurts, etc)
- you feel like she is immature, and that you're more like a parental figure to her then a husband
- no kids
- you're very very unhappy with the marriage
Here is what I would do in your situation:
First, it wouldn't have happened in the first place!
I know this is hard to accept, but as you can see, you can't get in a relationship with someone to change them. It just doesn't happen... unless they're personality is dull and can be molded like clay... but where's the fun in that? lol
Anyway, while I am not a fan of this at all as I hate to see marriages end like this, and I don't want to say it... but I think this marriage needs a divorce.
This woman can't be changed, doesn't want to be changed, and doesn't seem to even want to make this marriage work. In this case, since there is no extra baggage (aka kids) I'm more in favor of divorce.
But first, as a last ditch effort:
Alright, so she doesn't want to talk. Maybe send her an e-mail (kind of short, and to the point) that you are unhappy with the marriage, but that you really want to make it work. (which I assume you do or you wouldn't be here posting) Tell her you need to talk to her asap.
If that doesn't work, then I'd approach her. But calmly so none of her walls go up. Explain you are unhappy, you feel she doesn't want to make this work (or isn't even trying at least) and you would like a divorce. If she wants, you'd go to a counselor or whatever to help.
If none of that works then... It just seems like the divorce must be put into action.
But then again, this is what I would do if I were in your situation. It may not be the best answer, as I'm not you and don't know her. But I hope it helped at least. Good luck mate!
About the money - I don't mean this to sound punitive, but have you tried putting her on a budget and taking away her credit cards? I ordinarily don't condone such demeaning acts, but if she is fiscally irresponsible, you may have no choice (although it doesn't sound as though you are struggling financially).
The public tantrums/confrontations must stop. You could get shot where I live for that kind of nonsense. Maybe she needs anger management classes.
I don't know her, but from what I'm hearing, if he were to do that she would likely be more pissed than she usually is.Quote:
Originally Posted by shh! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Like I said in the beginning of this thread, she doesn't seem to want to fix the problems and won't seek counseling. Divorce is your best option. And in the future, don't marry someone thinking you can change them. Marry someone you are compatible with in every way.
All this taking away her credit card is another parental thing not a husband thing. Learn from the experience and cut your losses. Good luck.
Also what have you done since posting?
Not for all, but if you know from the start you earn more than the other, and the other tends to be an overspender, you're just asking for trouble. I've seen a lot of relationships get in trouble over money alone.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I personally don't think you should marry someone that can't keep control of their finances and live within their means.Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Well, why don't you tell that to the OP then. That was kind of my point.
That post wasn't directed at anyone in particular. Just a general comment to all.
The OP knows what he needs to do. He just doesn't want to do it. This marriage needs a lot of work and if she isn't willing to work on it, divorce is the only option.
That's one of the problems I see in your approach already, you are just venting and not replying to real advice that people are giving you. Are you like this in real life too? It seems like you are playing a victim much too often imo, I might have an idea or two why your partner might be stonewalling you. If you are as keen to work with her and find a common ground and understanding as you are in this thread then at least some of her responses don't surprise me. It takes two to tango.Quote:
Originally Posted by cbadchris [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
that was very nice of you, however, like an old gf, i have moved on to number 201.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kromat [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
raverboy