Fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly, now he dumped me

The difference is... I did not love the other man. Not at all. I had a crush at first sight, which eventually did not mean anything to me at all. The difference is that I did not have a crush on my boyfriend when I met him. I felt attracted to him and I liked him more every time I saw him. I started loving him for who he was. This was not the case with this other man. I did not know him, I did not have personal interaction with him, I saw him in working context and I had a crush I did not understand, but it was most definitely not love. I can not explain why I had a crush, I can not understand how it could have happened. It is most certainly not so that I kept contact and then fell in love with him, it happened so fast. I also did not do anything with it, and no I would not have left my boyfriend fot it. But I was so confused that I wanted to talk to him about it. I did not have an emotional relationship with the other man, I did not even know the guy. That is what scared me the most. I also did not use this crush to manipulate my boyfriend. I thought he was doing everything fine, I did not need him to show his love more.

I agree that you can not love two persons at one time. But I did not love two persons at the same time. I loved one person, and that was my boyfriend. I am not trying to avoid responsibility, but it is not so that I ''let myself fall in love with him because I was so open to it''. I knew him in working context and it suddenly happened BOOM before I realized it.

Perhaps there was a need that my boyfriend could not give me. I had a lot of stress at the time and I needed to study a lot. He was most of the time at my place and kept showing up all the time. It was a huge distraction to me, but it was not his fault. I was not strong enough to say '''now you should go, really''. I would say it and we would then keep talking and before you know it I had not done anything. I think I just needed a helping hand, someone who told me ''I should go now, we should both study'' and he was making it more difficult to do it. Now I probably sound like I am blaming him for this stupid thing. Well I most certainly am not. It was my own fault, I was not strong enough to say when I wanted and did not want to see him and I let HIM bear the consequences. I felt trapt between what I wanted to do and what I had to do all the time. I wanted to be with him but I needed to be away from him most of the time and he never had anything to do himself so kept hanging at my door.

I am taking responsibility for hurting him so deeply, I wrote him a letter too to apologize again and I think this time it is the most sincere letter ever. But I do also think that sometimes you are being to hard. Having a crush is not slowly falling in love, it can be a sign of stress too and of things that were not right in your relationship. If you do not do anything with these feelings, you can not say that this person has cheated. The contact I had with this man was workrelated, but indeed I should have done anything to avoid having to do tasks with him, which I did not, and that is a reason my boyfriend can not forget what happened. The thing is, you can not tell me I did something really wrong, and he can not either. But having a crush on someone else when there are problems just makes me someone a man does not want to be with. I am just scary, because he will know probably think that every time there are problems between us, it may happen again. I may not do anything with it, and maybe I can not help it. But that just does not make me a girl which makes a man feel ''damn this one I want to marry, she is making me feel so good''.

He is not angry with me anymore, not at all actually, he calls me regularly asking how I am doing, and he does want to see me. But he does not want a relationship right now because he also understands why it all happened. He is now working on his life and starting his activities again and he is now following advice to study, he is planning and he is just really doing something in his life. He told me that he was so in love with me that he forgot everything and I was only thinking of me and only wanted to be with me so he was never doing anything useful. He just could not combine being with me with actually living his life. He is afraid that he can not be happy in a relationship because he just does not DO anything anymore then. So he says it is a problem he has to work on and maybe later we could get back together. Furthermore he is not sure if I am the right one anymore. He says that if we are meant to be together we will end up together. It is all rather vague.

I never tried to fool my partner. I do know something had to change because how we were living together simply could not go on. It is not so that I used someone else to manipulate my boyfriend and make changes. Come on, if I would have done that, if I would have been thinking like that, then indeed I would not love him a bit. Do you really think I would be doing all this effort now to analyze why our relationship went wrong? It has been months now, if I did not love him, I really would not still be thinking about this every minute of every day. I also do feel that no other man can fill my heart. I am free to do so, but it just is not possible. I do not need anyone else either. I was his completely and he is in my heart every day. I am enjoying life, so I am not saying this because I feel an initial desperation after breaking up. I feel fine, and he is the man I want to be with. I do not mind being alone right now, but I want to get back together one day and grow old together. Sure, I know I am dreaming. We are probably just not the right fit. When someone breaks up with an other person, he surely does not feel that way. I also have not made it possible to make him feel that way by having a crush on someone else, so I will just bear the consequences. I do not think I deserve this pain, however, and he does not think like that either. We are just not right together at this point and a relationship with me is certainly not right for him at this time. Perhaps it never will.

Moon, simply accept that it's over.

You screwed up. Shit happens.

Learn the hard lesson and don't do it again.

hindsight's a bitch ain't it? I have read all your posts and I still don't get your motives

a) for telling him you love someone else, and
b) for coming on here to gain hope of something long gone .

Another thing I get from your post is that you have no problems articulating your feelings/thoughts in words, so why didn't you extend that talent with him. Its not just what you say it's how you say it...you seem to overlook the devastating effect it has on someone when the person they love tells them to their face that they love someone else. With all this hindsight, have you once put yourself in his shoes? honestly did you? and if so how did it feel.

you have been advised to take this lesson and learn with all your heart what not to do in future relationships.

I'm not having a go, but man, its like you enjoy banging your head against a brick wall, ...let go....learn, and heal.

IndiReloaded. I think you are right. Perhaps it was a tactic without realizing it, but this was not a tactic I was having in mind. It was indeed a mistake I had to make in order to never do it again. I would not have said it if I would have understand the consequences for him, yes I did overlook the devastating effect. I am being punished for overlooking this every single day. You do not understand why I come here posting this mess? Because I care and because I want to learn from my mistakes and never do it again and feel bad about it and guilty every day.

You are asking me about the devastating effect of what I said. But do you know the devastating effect of hurting and losing someone you really love on your own terms, because, how STUPID and HURTFUL you have been, you REALLY did not intended to hurt and lose him. I made a mistake in SAYING things, not in DOING things. If I would have cheated on him, I would have known damn good that I was pulling off something really bad, and I would not be here whining about it. It is hard that being so damn STUPID can just make you feel you lost the love of your life. It is hard to cope and it is hard to live with, that you caused it yourself. Have you ever thought about that?

I did not want to use it as a tactic and yes I had to keep it to myself. That is something I have learned now. It is just horrible that one mistake like this can screw up every single good thing I did for him and every good intention I had for him. Okay I ****ed up and I will learn and heal. But I am sorry I have to learn to forgive myself for healing too.

Really. I do not listen to people who say that intentions do not matter. Intentions do matter. They can not undo any feelings and good intentions can never compensate bad actions. But they should matter to everyone, no matter what the subject is. Every single human being has his flaws and will eventually hurt other human beings. Everyone will make mistakes they regret. Hurt can not be undone. I do not expect that the fact that I did not intend and did not want to hurt my boyfriend makes anyone say ''you poor thing, what you have been through, he should come back''. Offcourse not. I am not always as stupid as I have been with my boyfriend. I just have a hard time letting it go and forgiving myself. And I most certainly have a hard time letting him go if he keeps calling me and telling me we could get back together in the future. I would not keep thinking about it if he would have said ''Í do not want you anymore''. If you can not bring up any understanding for that, then you are certainly as incompetent in being understanding as I have been.

Whatever Moon. I can see why you have the problems you do. You clearly have it all figured out. Good luck with everything. Oh and you are welcome for my time. :/

Oh no I was not pointing at you, but at someone who said a few pages before that ''intentions do not matter'' and a lot of people make me feel like I am a horrible person. And that is something I do not listen to. I listen to all the advice I get, but I am not a bad person, I want to learn and never hurt anyone else in my life again. If I were evil, I would not care about that.

Your posts helped me a lot, I am grateful. And I think you are right. We are not the right match. I still love him, but I am starting to see things in perspective. I made my mistakes, but he makes me suffer awfully hard. His best friend told me he thinks he will come back but that he is now being awfully stubborn. Perhaps that just is not a good idea. A relationship should make you grow, we ended up making each other feel down. That is not the way it is supposed to be. Probably too much has happened to make things allright again. Sorry, I really was not attacking you.

I am extremely grateful for your time. You have no idea. Do not know how to thank you actually. Helped me big time. I feel stronger to forgive myself and just letting him go.

My mistake then. Sorry.

Moon, all I can add is that you should consider being kinder to yourself. I get the sense that much of your problems in your relationship stem from not being able to ask for what you needed. Resentment is a terrible thing, and causes a lot of problems. Read about assertiveness, its a skill you can learn (are you asian, by chance? just curious).

Again, not to excuse what happened, but done is done. There is no point beating yourself up further (or letting him). Guilt is overrated, and mostly those who engage in it are only doing so b/c they are too lazy to spend the time acting on a *solution*. Spend some time thinking about how you might fix or prevent such a thing from happening again and the experience is not wasted. Its all any of us can do.

Saru mo ki kara ochiru.
(even monkeys fall from trees) :)

Not Asian, so thanks for the translation! Are you? Not American or British either [explains my bad language, lol].

It is not that I am not assertive, it is just that if my boyfriend was actually too giving, quite needy too and was only thinking about me. So in order to live up to his standards, I would do things I did not want to do and see him when I actually did not feel like seeing him, just because I could not say ''no'' to him and let him down. It is not so that I could not because I was scared that he would leave or anything psychological. It was just that he was so extremely good to me that I felt I had to do everything good too in order to deserve his love and I also did not want him to think I let him do everything for me and that I was just profiting. It feels like constantly getting gifts like you get on your birthday and then you feel so grateful and you just do not know how to behave and you want to give all this love back because you feel so grateful. Know that feeling? Well I felt that almost every day. Indeed it makes you feel like a princess and makes you fall in love more and more every day. But eventually, that being so sweet backfires too. You can not be yourself anymore and do what you want anymore. At a certain point I felt trapped and like I could not let him down if I needed to. Like I could not measure up to him or something like that.

But thanks, I will take some time for my own and I will not let it happen anymore. I now know my boundaries better and I will try to prevent it in my next relationship. You learn through experience and mistakes, right.

Like he said about himself ''as sweet as I can be, as angry I can get''. Saw both sides now, lol. His friends and family have suffered severely too. They loved him but unconsciously did things that he was very sensitive to, and did not show the respect he deserved. They made mistakes, and he got hurt, and sure, it is good for him that he let them know he was hurt and let them suffer a bit. But by ''standing up for himself'' he hurt them back a LOT more than they deserve because he does not want to let anyone do this to him. Maybe I deserve this treatment. But his friends and family did not. Actually it is not fair that everyone keeps putting up with his shit too...

Being able to tell someone no is a kind of assertiveness. You are probably good at some aspects and need work on others. Sounds like you are on your way tho, good luck Moon. :)

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Originally Posted by moonshadow1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh no I was not pointing at you, but at someone who said a few pages before that ''intentions do not matter''

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That was Ygg, but for the record, I agree that intentions do not, ultimately, matter.

This was how I finally got through to my husband: He said, "I think there's a big difference between running over a cat by accident and trying to run it over on purpose" I said, "Not to the cat".

Do you understand? Your good intentions only make YOU feel better. To your ex, it just looks like you're trying to weasel out of taking responsibility for your hurtful, destructive acts.

Okay so he kissed me again in front of all his friends and held me again and he looked as if he loved me and he was rather sweet. The next day he acted the same, he walked with me on a festival and took me with him when he was talking with all these people he knew, including his neighbour...but he was acting quite...macho, you know. I mean, as if he could not show any weak sides, or he could not say to me how he had missed holding me with any feeling. He actually did not treat me right that day. Also told me he had good intentions, but that he was afraid to be in a relationship again, because the world was less hard on him now. When he was together with me, many guys looked at him and treated him like enemies because he was in a relationship with me. He did not feel good in my context. Plus, now he was looking at all those couples wondering: are they cheating each other? Because he read much about cheating and learned that 2 out of 5 people cheated.

But he thought we could work out the problems between us, but it would take time. He wanted to take things very very very slow. He told me his mother thought he had a fear of commitment. Indeed when he broke up with me he told me this was getting so serious and he could not be who he wanted to be anymore and did not know what made him happy anymore, although he knew this was not my fault, as I am really not a person who smothers her partner in the relationship. He felt trapped, and he knew it was his own fault. When I look back at our relationship I recognize some relationship patterns of that fear, he was also quite destructive when he broke up with me. During our relationship, at times he could get overwhelmed by feelings he was losing his options and could not do what he wanted to do anymore like working in a foreign country for a year (which I told him he should do if he really wanted to do that). He would then start sweating and having his heart beating fast and his hands were so very cold, I wondered what happened, and I tried to be understanding. Perhaps he was feeling such panic that his heart started beating fast. He would calm down if I told him I wanted to see him happy and that he should do whatever it takes that would make him happy. Then he felt he had options.

Now I know "fear of commitment" is usually very easy to use, also when there are just problems in your relationship. I really hope his mother is just thinking about fear of commitment too soon. Hopefully, he was just unhappy in our relationship because of what I told him. Perhaps, therefore, he ran away. We would then be able to work things out. Perhaps he is just trying to forgive me and he is having a hard time doing it, and therefore he can not be sweet to me. I will give it some time and be patient. But right now he is not quite treating me right. I can not explain it in an accurate way, but it is just that he could not be nice to me and acts as if my wellbeing is not that important to him. For example, well he was holding my hand in front of all these people and if a friend of his told him "waw your girlfriend is beautiful", he smiled and acted proud, and he did not say I was not his girlfriend, and someone asked him: hey is that your girlfriend? And he just said: yes. So we took a seat, I hugged him and I called him "sweetheart" in my sentence and he acted irritated: no don't call me sweetheart, this is going too fast, you should not hug me like that, we need to spend time apart now, I want to enjoy the festival and I want to be alone. Ok, so I acted as if I understood him and just gave him a kiss and I would just back off, although I could not find my friends and he knew I would be walking alone. It was so strange, he really NEEDED to be alone because he felt I was pressuring him by asking him if we were in a relationship. But I only asked if we would SLOWLY get back together, because I was not willing to do this if we were not in a relationship. I know I made mistakes, but if he kisses and holds me in public, don't I have just the right to know if we are in a relationship again or not? He would not answer my question, which made me feel so insecure... It is not like I was saying: hey, will you come and visit my family tomorrow? So I had to go, he was not angry or anything, but he let me go walk alone and he just asked: you will find someone, right? I answered: uh, yes, I hope I will. And I was a bit shocked because he acted so weird and just...how should I call it, emotionless, that's what it is. Numb and emotionless. Whereas I would expect it would have made him happy being with me. My evening was a bit ruined. I was scared he changed his mind or realized he just was not in love anymore and made a mistake or anything.

So I just do not know if his behaviour is normal. Perhaps it is... I did not show it but I was hurt because I lost him for like three months and now I could finally hold him and I was hoping he would be a little bit more enthusiastic himself. But hey, maybe I am just expecting too much. I was just thinking: oh okay, I am really sorry, I have just lost you for like three months, I thought about you every minute of every day, I have longed for you so much, and this is so hard because he is not even being nice with me. I am having a hard time between thinking "I deserve this because I fell in love with someone else 8 months ago", but I am not so sure if that really is the cause of his behaviour. He never told me it was in the first place. Not when we broke up, not when we were "friends" and not now. I am really confused. Sure, I will be patient and give it some time. But I do not know if I should be sweet to him, although he does not treat me right sometimes (I can not explain it, but he really does not at times). I still want to gain his respect, and I do not think I will do that while letting him walk all over me.

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

Your (ex)boyfriend probably feels like crap, and with good reason. His heart was just smashed and handed to him on a platter.

Even though you decided you want to be with him, the hurt is still there. I don't know anything about him, but he probably will have trouble trusting you for a long time.. if he EVER is able to gain trust in you again.

You called him "stubborn" What?!?!?!? He is not stubborn, he is hurt! Do you blame him for not wanting to move forward with you?

I don't care what anyone has to say about my statement I am about to make. I don't believe that ANYONE can honestly say if they were hurt like this that they would be able to just bounce back like nothing happened or be over it all in the snap of fingers. How would you feel if he told you he was in love with someone else, then came back and said he was wrong and wanted to be with you?? Do you understand how that would hurt someone. He is not stubborn at all! Walk in HIS shoes for a moment.

It sounds to me like you are being a bit selfish and self-centered. You broke the guys heart and hurt him in the one of the worst ways possible! The sooner you can accept that, the sooner he MAY be able to make things work with you. Until then, you are just going to continue to hurt him.

If you can't accept that, have the common human decency to walk away and leave him alone so he can fix his heart and move on with his life without you.

Do I expect it to be over with a snap of my fingers? It has been 8 months now. The last months of our relationship I haven't done anything but feeling guilt, trying to explain why it happened and that it will never happen again, giving love and not really receiving this back, which I really did understand. I never complained, because I felt I had to make it up to him and eventually I hoped these feelings would wither. Then he dumped me in an awful way, months after what happened, but OK I assumed I'd deserve it, right? So I have not been angry because I hurt him too and I have been heartbroken. Really, I may have broken his heart, but he broke mine too. I even have been sick physically for a long long time.

Did I blame him for not wanting to move forward with me? No, not at all! I may have hurt him, and it is his choice if he walks away. I never stopped him, just told him I still love him and that I was sorry. I was not angry, although he (believe me) hurt me so much because our ending was really harsh. We broke up for three months, and now he is coming back himself, on his own terms, not on mine. It is not because I broke his heart that he hasn't broke mine too. I can not take away his hurt, he can not take away mine.... But I am willing to work through these problems. He decided he wanted to kiss me and try again, right? Well I think about his wellbeing everyday and I want to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust, but he has to start to open up to me too and treat me with respect too...

I really wonder about that. Shouldn't it be possible to try and let it go after eight months? Am I being so selfish asking myself that question?

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Originally Posted by moonshadow1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I really wonder about that. Shouldn't it be possible to try and let it go after eight months? Am I being so selfish asking myself that question?

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You can't put a time limit on it. Honestly, it may never be the way things were before it happened. You may have to accept that.

You two may be better off going your own ways. He may not be able to forget. If he is not willing, or able, to forgive and forget, it will be a stale mate and become a circle of hurt and distrust.

Have you two tried to go see someone about this? A counselor? If you are religious, a pastor or priest?

No, I am willing to do that, really, but how can I if he does not (always) even gives this is as the reason we broke up in the first place? He acts so confused and emotionless and he keeps saying really strange things.

It would be far more easy if he would just say: I can not forgive you (yet), that's why we broke up. That would be a real nice start.

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Originally Posted by moonshadow1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, I am willing to do that, really, but how can I if he does not (always) even gives this is as the reason we broke up in the first place? He acts so confused and emotionless and he keeps saying really strange things.

It would be far more easy if he would just say: I can not forgive you (yet), that's why we broke up. That would be a real nice start.

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Maybe you should say all this to him. Make sure you tell him how important the conversation is to you.

The hard part is, you may have to be the one to end it. Yes, you will be the bad person, but at some point forgiveness needs to come into the picture or it is just going to be emotionally draining on all parties involved.

To be honest, I do think it is the reason. As I know him, he is really really really sensitive, although he actually is a real alpha male you know? I mean, he looks so strong, but actually he is soft and really sweet and needs everyone's respect so much in order to feel good. He has learned to be strong the hard way. In the far away past he has been bullied. I think I really really hurt him and I think I made him feel all these bad feelings he has felt a long time ago, and that that is the reason why he can't "commit". Damn I feel so bad, I really wanted to be the person for him that always made him feel good and strong. I wish I could just go back in time and undo this, as I care about him so much, I know he's been through quite some stuff and he is so sensitive and here I go and I have hurt him too. I just want to bear anything and do a thousand things to make him feel good. But I can't do anything. I feel so inadequate and I want to comfort him...

I always thought myself: the worst think someone could possibly do to you is leave you. That is my worst fear. That is how I work. As long as two people are willing to be together, I can not get hurt that much. I think his biggest fear was being treated in a bad way, like in his past. I should have been more considerate. I do think that what he is fighting right now, are not only demons of my mistakes, but also demons of his past.

That very well could be.

Try talking to him about this. Lay everything out to him as you have to us here. Let him know how you feel and how important this conversation is to have.

So, basically you're willing to allow him to take your moronic ass back, when you haven't even taken the time to figure out why you went and fell in love with someone else while dating your boyfriend.

And, don't give me that "it just happened" crap. Because it doesn't just happen. You have to allow that person to steal your emotional energy and focus away from your boyfriend in order for this to happen.

Which leads me to ask. Why did you do it? If the answer is, "I don't know?" Then you're pretty much doomed to **** your boyfriend over again.

Do I think you're a bad person? Not necessarily. Do I think you're actively doing mean and harmful things to your boyfriend? Yes, I do. I think you're being selfish, I think you're looking out for your own wants and needs and not putting his before yours. I think you haven't sorted your shit out, and that you're unwilling to take a deep hard look at why you did what you did, and admit to why.

I'm sorry, I've been there. I've cheated on my wife. I wasn't out to hurt her, but I did it, and it was really shitty of me. I divorced her, moved on with my life. But the reason I did it was because I was ****ing miserable in my relationship even though I loved my wife. I was very miserable, very depressed, and someone showed me that I could be having a lot more fun in my life.

And, you know... You got involved with someone of such low calibur on the side that he was OK with dating someone who was already in a relationship.

I'm sorry, but... You suck, and you obviously don't care that you suck, and aren't doing anything to keep from further ****ing up your life and relationships in the future.

Fixing your serious problems while in a relationship, is generally HUGELY damaging to the relationship. Most relationships cannot, and will not recover from this. And, you're going to have to put up with a lot of shit from your boyfriend, for a very long time. Probably long after you feel you deserve it.

So, you ignoring people who tell you that you're a bad person? You're in denial of what you've done, and you don't want to face the truth of it.

Once you cross the line of cheating, it's never as difficult to cross it again...and again...and again... And soon it's habit.

Do yourself a favor, spend some time figuring your problems out, get some counseling to solve whatever intimacy issue is bothering you, and then see if you can't work things out with your boyfriend. That is, if he isn't off schtupping someone else already...

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do I think you're a bad person? Not necessarily. Do I think you're actively doing mean and harmful things to your boyfriend? Yes, I do. I think you're being selfish, I think you're looking out for your own wants and needs and not putting his before yours. I think you haven't sorted your shit out, and that you're unwilling to take a deep hard look at why you did what you did, and admit to why.

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I agree 110%

To say that he has hurt you too is really a slap in the face to your boyfriend... again. If he is hurting you by being indifferent about how he feels about you, you need to understand why. If he is blatantly saying mean things to hurt you, again, you have to understand why. I don't think that is the right approach for him, but it may be his defense mechanism. You have to be more understanding and take a step back and allow him to sort things out within himself.

You said he has trust issues because of things that happened in his past. Well, quite honestly, you just brought all those feelings right back to the surface. Being brutally honest, it is your fault he is feeling and acting the way he is.

How you can expect him to forgive you I don't understand. Like I said, he may NEVER be able to forget about what happened. You are both doing yourselves a great disservice by trying to stay together.

[And, you know... You got involved with someone of such low calibur on the side that he was OK with dating someone who was already in a relationship.]

I appreciate your answers, truly, and it helps me a lot in understanding my boyfriend (he is my boyfriend again, we made up). But you should also read the rest of my answers. I have not been dating him, I have not had an emotional relationship. I had a crush, and he did not know it or did anything. I have tried everything to understand why it happened. I have placed it in the context, and yes I understand how I react. I have weird reactions when 1. I have stress and 2. when I am scared that he will hurt me and 3. When I feel locked up and I need more time for myself.

As wrong as I have been, my defense mechanism told me to seek comfort in flirting, to feel I was still wanted, to feel stronger that if my boyfriend would hurt me, I would not end up alone because there were other guys that I could be with, and to feel freedom. Yes, slap me in the face for this reaction. I have slapped myself in the face a lot of times already. But at least I have the guts to admit how this could have happened. And if you understand what was wrong, you can make sure it will never happen again. I will NEVER seek comfort with someone else when I feel as if I do not have everything under control. I will just give myself in a relationship and be devoted to my boyfriend. I have seen that if I don't, I will just ensure that what I was so afraid of, will happen, i.e. getting hurt. And with good reason too, so afterwards I feel so much guilt that I can not get over it.

I also think another reason (and I admit that my reactions are so weak that I feel a lot of shame, but at least I admit it) is: If he really "has" me completely to himself and I give myself completely, and he rejects me then, my selfesteem will not survive. It happened before in the past, and I have felt insecure for SO many years. I think it scared me so much I just ran away from it. So I just kept breaking free, I did not want him to really "have" me, because I am afraid of feeling so vulnerable. I have to be able to feel so vulnerable and to take the chance of being rejected and being left. I am now feeling much stronger. If he rejects me, I will still know what I am worth. And by acting like I have been acting, I just show how weak I am, and THEN I am not as valuable as I am now.

The problem is above all that I have been weak. Maybe unconsciously, what I was trying to tell him by having a crush is: do not think you can take me for granted, get tired of me and just walk away! Never take me for granted, I am wanted.
I think I had a real stupid weak motive and I will have to fix that and get stronger. And I really am doing that.

I will now give myself completely and stop being afraid. I will treat my boyfriend with a lot more respect. There will be no flirting anymore to seek comfort. I feel so much stronger now. I survived getting hurt one time, so if it happens now, I will survive it again. If I end up getting hurt, at least I will now be able to know that it is his loss and that I did what I could to make him feel happy.

All this plus the context I have said before make me feel I understand why it happened and make me feel secure to ensure him that it will not happen again...



My boyfriend is getting nicer and nicer to me. I am acting really sweet, but if I am not with him, I am not desperately calling him, I just back off. The time spent with him will be quality time. I hope we can rebuild the trust.



Is this what you mean? I hope I am more on the right path now.

I did not expect him to forgive me just like that. But he asked himself to get back together. He wants to try again and make it work. If you do that, you really have to try. I am not saying: just let go. But you have to be prepared to trust your girlfriend again and at least TRY, otherwise you should let go and you should not get back together. I told him I would give him any time he needed and that if it didn't work, that's ok too. So I did not pressure him. But I think I deserve a second chance. I am not saying he should just shut up and forgive me, I am trying not to be selfish. But if I look at myself, I trust myself that it will not happen again, because I did sort out things for myself. I hope he can see that and become my old boyfriend after a while. I believe I deserve that chance, and he seems to believe that I deserve that too.

Is it selfish that I feel like I deserve a second chance? I do not think so. If I had really had an emotionel relationship, or actually cheated on him, well...then I do not think I would feel like I deserve a second chance and then I do not think I would do all this effort, because I know if I cheat on someone, and really cheat on someone by actions, if I can do that, then I do not love my boyfriend enough and i would just know I would do it again. That is not a general conclusion, but I know that that is what it would be like if it would happen to ME.
Now, however, I am pretty sure that I will not hurt him again. These three months apart from each other made that clear to me too.

Actually, it is selfish of you to feel like you deserve a second chance. Because really, that's something he decides whether you deserve it or not.

"If he has really loved me, ever, he would at least not play with my emotions right now".


You serious? I hope for his sake he stays away from you and I hope for your sake you wake up and get over yourself.

Oh whatever, Lite. Leave off. I agree with everything you say but this girl is not going to learn her lesson from us.

Good luck Moon. I hope you have learned to communicate your problems directly instead of ignoring them to your relationship's detriment.

Treat each other well this time. Be happy.

Moonshadow, I'll tell you this right now, that if I typed what I truely felt about your situation, the censor function would probably overload.

those are some really long winded posts.

i don't know how you guys had the patience to read all that.

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Originally Posted by moonshadow1234 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Really. I do not listen to people who say that intentions do not matter. Intentions do matter. They can not undo any feelings and good intentions can never compensate bad actions.

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Yeah, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The TRUST is broken. How the hell do you think that can be restored?

No matter what your intentions were: you screwed up severely and are trying to get away with it by reasoning it away.

That's not how it works. This reversed circular reasoning is going to bite you back in the arse.

Seems like you still haven't learned your lesson.

Well, guess what: life IS a biatch. She'll teach you, the very hard way.

Have fun.

What the hell is your problem? Why would you do this? I think he did the right thing in breaking up with you. I broke up with one of my exes when she told me she fell in love with another man. Best decision I ever made.

By the way, when did this happen? Are you my ex gf by chance? This happened to me recently, no joke. I'm getting kind of freaked out.

Sounds like Cain's ex. Mbe she should search some of his old posts so she can read what he really thinks of her.

I did the same thing Cain did, but was dumb enough to do it AFTER Cain did it.

People like you should be dead in ditches.

These men have some issues. I never even think twice of forgiving a woman for anything close to this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cbrider [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

People like you should be dead in ditches.

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That's kinda harsh, CB. She is still learning and trying to grow up. I think she shouldn't be doing at his expense anymore, that's all.

I predict they will torture each other for a while longer, learn that lesson too, and then one of them will end it. Probably him. It will be good for her to learn what being dumped is, teach her empathy.

Next.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

These men have some issues. I never even think twice of forgiving a woman for anything close to this.

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Oh, I could see you deliberately taking her back, sleeping with her until you got tired of it and then dumping her. Its in you, OV, you know it is. ;)

Hi there,
I am new to this site, but I have given a lot of great advice.