Well said. Thanks!Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
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Well said. Thanks!Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
The English major in me is very turned on :)Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Also beautifully put.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
In the event that contact is re-established, she should be the one to re-establish the contact? I think that would be fair given the circumstances and would show I will not tolerate crap like that.
Why do you still want to be with her when she's proven herself to be a selfish b*tch?
I just broke up with my boyfriend and I have a b*tchy friend who says that I was too nice to him. She said that boys respect b*tchy girls and those are the ones that they moon after. I personally think she spends too much time smelling her own sh*t, but when I read what you're writing it seems to make her point valid. -_-
Obviously, I still have feelings for her. Four years together is a long time to be with someone to just forget about everything. Basically I'd like to hear from her, and I like for her to acknowledge what she did is terrible. Like I've been saying at this point I do not know if I want her back as my girlfriend. She should be the one to initiate contact, right?Quote:
Originally Posted by LailaK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I can't give you advice on this so I'll leave this to someone else. i prefer to cut toxic individuals out of my life and move on.
I think that this is forgivable. She felt unattended to and lonely during this time. Now you had a good reason to be ignoring her so she should have understood, but maybe she was just insecure and felt you did not care. I would go back to her and prove that you do care but that some things need to come first at certain times.
She should have respected, encouraged, and supported you with your goals, dreams, and future rather than selfishly believing that you should have focused more (and essentially) specifically on her.
Ideally, I'd like to speak again. I do feel it is on her to make things right. It's going on 1 month of not speaking to each other. I don't know if she feels bad about what she did and wants to talk but is shy, whether she hates me and we are done for good, or whether she wants me to initiate contact. As I mentioned I think it is on her to initiate the contact since she broke things off so abruptly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
aic7780 with my boyfriend, who dumped me because i wasn't giving him enough of my time because i was working 6 or 7 days a week, i think i have decided that i will apologise to him in an email in a while for neglecting him. Even though i had no other choice but to work so much and you could therefore say he should have understood, i do think it gets to some people, not all, when they feel neglected in a relationship even though it may be an unavoidable situation.
I spoke to an online relationship counsellor yesterday about my situation and i said to him "but if someone really loves you wouldn't they just stay with you whatever? because i would. and he said yes you would and i probably would too, but not everybody is the same, not everybody reacts to situations in the same way, some people can handle certain situations, some people can't, whether that situation is unavoidable or whatever". He advised me that to sort out my situation with my debts, either work lots till xmas like i had originally planned and then cut down or see if i can reorganise my debts now so i can work less and pay them off a little longer. So i said but if i wait till xmas he may just meet someone else, so he said yes that's a risk but if he loves you enough he would stick around.
Personally i don't want to wait till xmas with my fingers crossed that he might not find someone else, so i plan to send the email in a couple of weeks. Even though i don't think it's my place to apologise i still will.
this is the email that i plan to send:-
"I am sending you this email because i wanted to offer you a profound apology for allowing you to feel that you were on your own in our relationship. I don't expect you to forgive me and you are under no obligation to do so. But regardless of whether you forgive me or not i know it was wrong of me to expect you to be in a relationship with me in those circumstances and i am sincerely sorry i made you feel neglected and on your own and that you had no control over things. I want to stress that this was never due to lack of feeling on my part towards you or because you were not a priority in my life. I do understand that there is a credibility gap because you have never seen me in normal work mode and might imagine that i am a workaholic with a primary need to amass copious amounts of money, but this is quite simply untrue. I do understand your position and i feel you are right about what is needed to make a relationship work.
I have had a chance to reassess since we split up what i am doing to my own life at the moment working so much and i have given some thought to the possibility of paying off my debts in a different way for my own sake so that i can get a life back. A couple of days ago i spoke to the cccs and told them that i would no longer be able to pay back my credit cards at the rate i have been paying them because i had a big tax bill to pay in January 2011 and i was not able to keep working 6 or 7 days a week for my own sanity and they have reworked my budget to a lower payment.
I also spoke to the inland revenue to tell them it was possible that i would not be able to pay all of my tax bill then and they have agreed i can pay my tax bill in instalments that are manageable with me working 5 days a week.
I wish to thank you for planting the seed in my mind that my current working pattern, which i was totally and utterly convinced was my only option in my financial situation, was perhaps not my only option.
I have informed the managers at *********** that i will be finishing my saturdays with them and the manager at ******** that i will be finishing my sundays with them at the end of september.
I hope you had a nice time in**** and that you, *** and *** are well.
If there is any way we could keep the lines of communication open i would like that.
Kindest regards,
****"
Of course this is specific to my situation and the circumstances and reasons for our split. Of course i don't know whether your gf finished things because of the lack of attention you were giving her or because she just wanted to end things anyway, but i guess it is possible it just got to her the lack of attention and she started to feel less close to you and unimportant.
I don't think she wanted to end things, I think it was because of the whole "lack of attention". I was still seeing her pretty much everyday just studying while I was with her. She is a very needy person though. Just prior to all this happening we were talking about getting engaged, looked at rings, she showed me the dress she wanted online, possible venues etc...Quote:
Originally Posted by fi123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Has your ex-bf made any effort to contact you? I think you should stay no contact for a while before sending that email.
No he has not contacted me yet but we've only been split up two days and i know yesterday he went down on the train with his two children to go and stay with his parents for a few days (he always goes there this time of year). To be honest i don't think he would contact me in the near future because as far as he is concerned unless my work situation changes there is no future for our relationship so i don't think he would see the point. So i think the impetus is upon me to do something.
Maybe you should just try and apologise to her, not in the way of i'm sorry but it was because of this or this and i couldn't help it, but in a way that it comes across that you are saying sorry whatever the outcome of that apology might be, in such a way that it comes across that you have no expectations of any particular outcome by giving her that apology, just that you want to offer her an apology full stop.
I know it sucks we have to apologise when we don't think we did anything wrong, and we don't and shouldn't apologise in a way that makes us look needy in any way, but i guess that's just relationships...we have to swalllow our pride sometimes to make things right.
And i wouldn't suggest about getting back together or even meeting up at this point either...too much pressure on her....just maybe say something like i am planning to do at the end of my email about just asking to keep the lines of communication open with her for the time being so at least it's something to build on.
yeah 4 years isn't short and your feelings won't just disappear but don't forget, she messed it all up. i don't think you should initiate contact at all. she has to do it. if she's really guilty and wants to get back with you, a little shyness won't stop her.Quote:
Originally Posted by aic7780 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
if she does initiate contact with you then i'd say meet up, considering you still have feelings for her. But if you do decide to get back together then you have to somehow clear it up that nothing like this should ever happen again.
Two people being stubborn doesn't save a relationship though does it?
And if she feels you neglected her (even tho you couldn't help it) maybe she thinks it up to you to make contact. And if you don't contact her either then how can things be resolved?
I also think from what you have said earlier that you have implied to her parents that it will be her fault if you don't pass your exams. Think about that from her point of view, she now feels totally that not only were you not meeting her needs, neither do you acknowledge her needs never mind try and meet them and are laying a guilt trip on her too. She can't help what her needs are and you are blaming her for feeling that way by saying it will be her fault if you don't pass your exam.
Agreed, but I think after what happened she should step up. Something has to happen, do two people in a relationship that long just stop talking like that? Prior to this we've never went a day without speaking.Quote:
Originally Posted by fi123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I hear you. It has gotten easier over the past few weeks but I still miss her. I would hope she misses me too.Quote:
Originally Posted by adam95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I feel like if she contacts you, you need to explain how BIG she messed up. Tell her how incredibly selfish she was for doing what she did. She's got to know she screwed up. Maybe she'll apologize, but I feel like this type of behavior of hers will continue. Maybe she's just a very needy person. How is she going to deal when you become a lawyer and you are working long hours? This problem will continue to resurface. Even if she's sorry now for what she did, she may give you a hard time in the future. Are you going to want to deal with that? 4 years is a long time to be with someone and if you still have strong feelings for her, it's going to be hard to just stop them. It's a difficult situation. She broke up with you, right? I just don't think this needy behavior of hers will go away. That may be her nature. She may need a lot of attention. Will you always be able to give it to her?
did you read the last bit of my last post aic7780 i just edited it? Well at the end of the days it's up to you to do what you think is best. But if things go on for too long she will find somebody else, but then maybe you will too. and i honestly think that telling her how she screwed up is not going to help, she still will feel you weren't meeting her needs. Sometimes what we feel like saying to someone because we feel like we have been badly treated really doesn't help the situation. Most relationships i think end because of a lack of good communication and a build up of resentment, and because you rant and rave at someone because they did you wrong, it's not necessarily good communication, and doesn't always help.
You're no longer in a relationship..it doesn't matter how long you were togetherQuote:
Originally Posted by aic7780 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yes but if you say that to her, how will you be meeting her needs? She cannot help how she feels, you would just be saying she was wrong for feeling that way.Quote:
Originally Posted by adam95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
well she is wrong for feeling that way. yes i'm not saying shove it in her face that you're wrong but explain to her rationally. considering he warned her before that he will be really busy means that she already expected this. he even stayed with her while he was studying! imagine how distracting that is? she is wrong and she should know it. being lawyer requires a lot of work and she should be ready to put up with it if she wants to be with him.
If he can't meet her needs he shouldn't be with her. If she can't handle that he will be spending a lot of time working then he shouldn't be with her.It's not fair on her because SHE CAN'T HELP HOW SHE FEELS and he should let her go. That's the issue here.
I just don't get how some people think that if one person feels one way about a situation and the other person feels another way about the situation it means that the person who feels differently from yourself is WRONG for feeling that way. It's so egotistical to expect another person to feel the same way about a situation as you do. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they're FEELINGS. In other words a natural reaction to a situation, stemming from your personality and previous life experiences. People can't be blamed for their feelings.
You know what I think. Have OP really talked to his gf to figure what is wrong? I bet you that it's not just the bar exam and the time studying for the bar exam that made her break up with you. Usually the problems have been there for a long time before it really erupts. Yes, she does sound like a totally biatch and you should tell her to f off with what you have told us but honestly you didn't get her side of the story. The REAL reason she did it and how she is feeling. Having been in a relationship for a long time where I've felt very neglected that it's bloody hard to tolerate after a while. I was extremely supportive when he was in school and now for his work while he tries to move ahead. Funny thing, I never felt like he supported ME with my life goals/aspirations. You say she is unemployed so that may have a big reason to how she is feeling. When you say you still spend time with her but just studying. Well I can't speak for her but I've always had a thing with my fiancee where he was with me physically but not mentally. He's there physically but his mind is a million miles away on everything else but me. Every once in a while it is nice to shower your gf with attention to let her know that she's not invisible to you and she's #1 vs #2 or worse at the bottom of the barrel. My suggestion, talk to her and make the first move if you want closure to this relationship. Regardless if you're going to give her a second chance is irrelevant right now as you are playing the silent treatment game. If you're posting here I am thinking that you need closure to your relationship.
Thank you all so much! I really appreciate all the posts and opinions. Could it really have been that bad if she wanted marriage shortly before this happened? My friends think she could have had a mental breakdown. So I still do not know what to do and I don't want to show my cards to her just yet. I she doesn't step up I guess I'll have to.Quote:
Originally Posted by l_girl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
yes I agree, if he can't meet her needs then don't be with her. yes I get what you mean about people having different feelings about a situation like how i hate the fact that my gf talks to guys whereas she just sees it as a sociable thing, doesn't mean i tell her what she's doing is wrong. the only reason I'm saying OP's gf was wrong is cause her timing was real bad. I mean, ok you hate that he's too busy, just give him a little time and do it after his exam. and i believe she's wrong for just leaving him without bothering to discuss properly the problem and if and how they can fix it. i don't believe Op should initiate cause she broke it off and she seems to be fine considering she hasn't contacted him. is she does decide to talk, then please do cause you have to sort it out and not be left wondering on what could have happened.Quote:
Originally Posted by fi123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
look OP, i do not know your gf and what type of girl she is. so what i believe you should do is real and think about all the advice we gave you here and do what you think is right. cause if I tell you no don't initiate contact but you think its the right thing to do then do it. or else you'll regret it. so just think about what we all said ok? i hope you make the right decision. good luck friend.
Thank you!
I just think she feels neglected pure and simple, and you doing so well in your career probably really makes her feel shit about being unemployed and maybe a teeny bit jealous of you. IMHO i think she just feels she is secondary to your career and always will be. I think that's why she ended it and i think if you want to be back with her then you need to somehow start making her feel much important than your career. Not by acting needy just somehow figure out a way to make herfeel important. How can ignoring her make her feel important. Enough time has passed i think. Good luck x
Anytime. Keep us updated ok!
She emailed me! She is asking for forgiveness and said she wants closure so she can move on with her life. I don't know if she is playing games with me or she really means it. I am so angry and sad right now. Should I stay no contact? Should I say don't contact me unless you want to work on our relationship?
Thanks guys!
Give her the closure she needs. I would think you need closure as well, right? Then have no more contact with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by aic7780 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
She also said she cant wait to see what the future holds for both of us. Mixed signals! I know woman play games though so I am so confused.Quote:
Originally Posted by ShannonMI [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Has she suggested a meet up?
I don't know I haven't responded yet. My friend suggested short and sweet something along the lines of: Good Luck, Take Care. She wrote me a novel of an email.Quote:
Originally Posted by fi123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Be honest with her. Tell her you are still angry but maybe you could meet up next week. That she should call you later this week. Don't commit to anything else at this point. You still need to figure out what you want.Quote:
Originally Posted by aic7780 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I am so confused. It doesn't sound like she wants to meet up, I think all she wants is maybe a response to the email nothing more. Then again, what one writes or does isn't exactly what they mean. For instance, I haven't contacted her at all but deep down I want her back.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I think texting for these kinds of emotional subjects is beyond stupid. Tell her if she wants to discuss this she should call you. A txt apology is insulting, IMO.
I agree 100%.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yes, i don't think either of you guys can get closure out of an email or a text. suggest meeting up as indi says.
I'm curious, she's unemployed now, but is there anything she is working on to further her life? It can be a bad situation when one is involved in their own things and the other is involved in nothing but what the first is doing. Does she have goals/ plans? What happens when there comes a time in her life when she wants to concentrate on her own goals. Would she expect the same from you? On the other hand, if her goal is to be a wife and mom, are you sure you're in a position to even be in a committed relationship knowing so much of your time must be spent on your career, which leaves little time for the people in your life? Maybe you guys need to manage your time better and you could try to set time aside for her; even if it isn't a lot, at least she would have your undivided attention. Like I said, just curious...