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This thread is really good, getting lots from it.
I've gone no contact from when I left last night, we have a date for Valentines day but I'm not going. Way I figure it is that it's over and I need to accept that so celebrating a day of our love just seems too false to me.
I'm guessing because I walk out on her last night and have gone no contact I'll not hear from her for a while
you may not hear from her at all.... but space might be a good thing.. thats what im hoping too...
I'm just in the denial stage lol
Really last thing I need from her right now is contact because if she does contact me and say lets get together I'd probably jump at it and the cycle continues.
I really need to not hear from her or see her now until I've got over her
I think I am too buddy :(
Now, with break ups like ours that didn't involve cheating, beating, or mental abuse, I believe no contact should be minimal. Give each other some space to think shit through but i wouldn't wait too long. The reason being is that at the moment, I'm thinking that because she has not contacted me for this long simply means that she is over me, don't give a shit, found someone else, etc. But guess what, she is thinking the exact same ****ing thing!!
Some girls are willing to let that shit eat up inside her for the rest of their lives. It's weird, but in general, women's ways are weird. Some of the shit they do just does not make any sense.
MOST WOMEN LIKE TO BE CHASED AFTER. I'm giving it a shot by swallowing my pride. What do I have to lose? At this point, I think I already lost her. Screw it, I'll give one last crack at it.
well said man i agree with you on that point... thats how i feel.. what do i have to lose? This forum is the ONLY thing holding me together... where are my friends when i need them.. why shoudl they ****ing help me when im in need.
I disagree...you don't want her...you want what you had *with* her: big difference.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
She's revealed how she is with you: and you are making all kinds of excuses in order to keep her in your life.
She misses what she doesn't have: and as soon as she gets a wiff of it: she's gone again.
Don't make excuses making believe that she is something "special" when the truth is: you made her appear to be special.
that was before the breakup
First off, she isn't emotionally stable: check.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Worse, is she takes out *her* problems, issues and/or demons out on *YOU* <-------------not cool.
Since you have already labeled yourself the nice guy: guess what nice guys do? They take other people's bullshit
because they can see the good in them....The problem is: you are brainwashing yourself into thinking she is a
good girl: doing bad things, when it's not the case based on my experience. People who are out of control
(but either recognize it or catch it) apologize, humble themselves and admit it to you face to face she has a problem...
The eating disorder can be just ONE thing that represents an even bigger (yet hidden) underlying problem.
Instead of looking out for yourself: you think you are actually going to be able to help her with her issues and help solve them:
Wrong...Only she can do it: and she needs to accept and admit she has the problem: then face and address it:
Instead of doing this she is using YOU and your relationship as a toilet and you're the toilet paper every time.
It is very possible she has been the victim of abuse: which includes the possibility of it being sexual
(think of an innocent little girl that has been touched inappropriately: they can feel dirty forever) and
intentionally hurt their bodies. It could be a hormonal imbalance in the brain, it could be she has a mental illness...
Whatever the case dude: SHE needs help: and YOU aren't going to be able to help her until she helps herself.
All that I ask of you: IF she continues this erratic behavior: please don't yell at her, blame her or ever point the finger at
her....Why?
Well, you've already (before) identified that she does have some sort of problem, right?
If you know of the problem: you are in the better position to know better to be loving, patient and understanding with her issue.
If you cannot; cool, then let her go...If you can: then be prepared to be the cause, reason or catalyst for her demise when
she can easily B-lame what you did, or didn't do...Don't harbor guilt trips nor resentment...Because now that you have been
made aware (at least you have in this thread by me) then you are allowing yourself to play the victim role in order to help
someone who is damaged to some extent.
As for what to say to her, I think I've already posted the answer, but if I forgot, to: I'm sorry...
Sit her down, and take her to a neutral location (public is best) where she cannot explode and act out
like a suicidal maniac I think she's capable of doing when you decide it's time to move on....
Tell her humbly, lovingly and calmly: "(her name), I love and care for you deeply, you know that, right?"
(let her nod or say yes so right off the bat you begin to establish involving her with the conversation) Don't talk at her: talk to her.
Next, tell her that to you: a relationship is supposed to be based on two people who have different lives:
who join together and share their lives with one another...You know going in that there will be sunny days...and
then? There will be rainy days...
Next tell her that you cannot begin to comprehend what she has gone through nor what she has had to endure
before she met you: But because of how she chooses to physically act out what she is feeling: it hurts you
to know that she doesn't *let you in* and confide in you about her whether it's good or bad...
(avoid calling her out on her problem because she hasn't admitted that she has one yet, k?)
Ask, her what does she think a relationship is supposed to be about so that way you can understand where she's coming from.
(then listen, and don't interrupt) Now, if she chooses right then and there to explode, or start deflecting
(putting shit on you) instead of addressing your concerns: she doesn't respect you period, no matter how
good it feels to have sex with her: and no matter how "clingy" she appears to be...I've personally had sex with a handful
of girls I didn't respect: and I've known many girls who have done the same to other guys.
If she answers you: great, but you need to be assertive and tell her:
"I appreciate you telling me how you feel, it helps me to understand you better, BUT:
What I don't appreciate is: (list the mean things she has done to you here) Tell her that
she has the right to feel however and basically do whatever she thinks is right: but YOU don't
have to accept the treatment she gives you when it hurts you, then look her in the eye and ask her
if she understands what that means? involve her...
The point is: what she does (to you) isn't cool with you.
You need to address your concerns and hope that she addresses them: and apologizes for them.
If she does: it means she identifies what she did wrong, and wants to resolve her issues.
If she does not: GTFO of there dude and run...(not literally of course)
but tell her that until she learns how to respect your feelings: you don't want to be subjected
to that kind of behavior that you don't feel you deserve (because you don't) and thank her and appreciate
all the time you did have together, then walk away, don't look back, just walk away, and say good bye.
^^^This is what I feel you should do.
wow well said.. tjat answers my pm to you... thanks... when do i do this?
And what do you say?Quote:
Originally Posted by Ollie76 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Like you don't contact hem for a week? two weeks? what is acceptable in giving them space before you have left it too long?
And when you make contact, what do you say that doesn't just sound stoopid?
Q .. Hi Babe, how you going?
A ...Shit cos you dumped me you prick and haven't contacted me for two weeks!!!
I thought about doing this but really wouldn't know what to say? I fugure she would probably be hurting too so asking how she is going, or telling her that I miss her etc would hardly get a good response
As soon as possible, that's when.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Also don't forget to always make eye contact when you ask questions, or say things that are sincere.
She will respect you more if you aren't dazing about when she listens or tells you something of value...
The way I talk to people: I NEVER, I repeat NEVER B-lame them: never ever point the finger or
if they say F uck YOU: Do NOT say F uck You too (bitch usually follows) <------------This gives her reasons to dump you before you have the chance to:
and you will feel the dynamic shift when she should be the one who is sorry, not you...
The whole point of this conversation is to illustrate how one person's behavior (that is destructive and negative) is NOT her fault:
BUT, that her choosing to act out in this emotional and irrational fashion is NOT what you want in a relationship...
To you: open and honest communication, love, patience and understanding and TRUST are what you want a relationship to be built on.
The point here: is that her actions and choices have consequences and should she choose to hurt you (because it is a choice in my opinion)
you cannot be with someone who doesn't treat you how you want to be treated (make sure you list how you want to be treated)
out of curiosity are you a doctor?
SelflessnHumble... can you please look at my thread? i'm interested to see what you think. thanks
Sure thing...give me a sec.Quote:
Originally Posted by flow90 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
How do I dump her if she already has done it
Here; Let me say this: I have personally known 4 people who have degrees...3 in Psychology and one is a licensed Psychiatrist.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
While these people are indeed intelligent and well learned scholastically: I've personally experienced most everything that
they've only studied "in practice, study or in theory." I've also traveled extensively, when I was younger I would
talk to everyone I could, no matter stranger or who ever just to learn how people did what they did, and the why.
I used to hurt people for sport because I thought it felt good. At one time I thought I was the Anti-Christ
because I had virtually zero empathy for any-everyone...Sad but true. I enjoyed hurting people...I was bullied.
I became a bully.
Then I learned compassion empathy and even unconditional love...Not because I knew what I did was wrong:
but because I actually saw the fruition of my destruction...I saw how I was able to single-handedly destroy lives...
Alter their perceptions due to my manipulations, deceit, lying and cheating. It shook me bad to see this.
See, when you're a piece of shit who preys on weak people (with low self esteem a plus) you never see them hurt
because it's just so easy to walk away after you've sucked them dry...
Once I learned how to actually love people, I began to see how beautiful people are.
I thought everyone hated me because little did I know that I was seeing people's reactions to my
negative energy projected outward = it was a mirrored reflection of how I appeared to them!
Now, I feel I'm spiritually enlightened, and I don't let my subconscious control my life (as it once did)
I'm no longer reactive: I'm proactive and it's brought my relationship back from the dead! So, I do my best
to teach people what I've learned so they won't have to hit every road block that I did, ya know?
you are suggesting i dump her.. but im not with her anymore.. so i dont understand really.. and are you suggesting this even if she realizes her error? to comment on the above post.. ive been trying to "live in the NOW." but that is harder said than done u know...
This is even easier to deal with IF she has already done *it*Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
First I would ask you: What is closure to you?
Most people think closure is getting all the right answers from the one you either dumped, or dumped you...I can tell you: it is not.
THIS: is Closure:
Closure happens when YOU:
-come to the self realization and self evidence that you have done everything in YOUR power and control to:
-make amends and seek resolution for a better relationship, humble yourself and apologize to fix your issues to better yourself
AND when you see that you have done everything that you can: to make your partner happy: AND they STILL do not appreciate it, respect it
nor validate your efforts: True closure comes from knowing these facts and that knowing you deserve someone much better who can
love you, respect you and understand you better than SHE ever could!
This is true closure and she doesn't need to say sorry to you in order for you to achieve it!
What I used to do: (even if I was the one who got dumped)
I would go up to them, ask them if I could have a moment of their time (smiling as I asked) then I'd say:
"I'd just like to thank you for all the time we spent together, and even though at the time it meant the world
to me...I've realized that (be specific here, this is where you tell them what they did wasn't appreciated) example:
I've realized that, taking your deep rooted anger out on me, dumping me/getting back with me, and all of that
emotionally irrational bullshit you pulled helped me to realize that I'm above that and that I deserve much better than
an immature little girl who cannot look herself in the mirror and take responsibility for HER actions, while punishing ME for mine...
Then I'd thank her one more time and walk away. I didn't do that to hurt them because I know I could say much worse...
I did that so SHE could know, all along that *I* knew what she was doing, but that I still put up with it because I loved her.
This leaves the ball in her court: while I move on...It means it actually might help her on her path so she can learn how people's feelings
aren't little happy meal toys to play with... :)
Well i do realize closure is a movie thing. But I was just confused. What you told me seems like advice I have never gotten and I appreciate the advice.. but my point was how do i end a relationship wioth someone who already ended it weeks ago... not only that, if she realizes her error I would like to see what could happen... what doesnt kill us makes us stronger no?
Also thank you for helping me :)
You're welcome :)
How do you end a relationship that's already over: you don't.
What I would do is talk to her shortly about your self realization (when and if you have one)
The thing is: she is not likely to know what she has done...Only she can do this for herself.
You cannot have closure IF you keep on feeling, "We'll see what happens." <-----This is an excuse to make yourself stay in limbo for her.
You need to take control. This means doing what is right, not what *feels* right.
If you didn't know: feelings LIE to us dude. Our hearts LIE to us all the time.
You never follow your heart: You lead it instead.
How you going champ? Gone a bit quiet, hope you are ok
Im doing real shitty dude... everyone I talk too tells me its a mistake to talk to her.. Why am I the only person who knows that this is something that I have to do. I just need answers.. they may never come but I dont think I have a choice.
Because you're the only person who has the feelings for her. People only tell you its a mistake because of the toll it has been taking on you. You say it enough, now understand it, and with that understanding will come the point where you no longer want to put yourself through it.
PS: I've been keeping an eye on all of the replies and this thread, didn't have anything to add 'till this.
if it were only that easy... I know time heals all wounds.. but it seems like time is moving slower than normal..
As difficult as it is to do, I would give her space. I gave in when my ex and I split up about 3 weeks ago. For about 2 or 3 days I txt her and tried to make things right. Now she hates me and has accused me of stalking and harrassing her. I merely fought for the person I loved. It was the same with us though, just a few days before we were absolutely fantastic, next thing i know she is on the phone ending it. Turns out 3 weeks on she has a date on monday. SPACE. Its the key, she'll come for you when she is ready. As difficult as it is, time is a great healer. Our relationship was long distance, mistrust or insecurity is like poison. It interesting that Bi-polar came up - I have been wondering this for days... Chin up chuck.
I am sorry to hear that dude... how long did you wait before contacting her? Wouldnt you agree that if I wait too long than she will just move on... some girls like to be chased no? You are right.. i dont want to scare her, but knowing her she will be too embarrased to contact me which is where my problem lies.
she hid the eating disorder from me, and obviously hid the way she feels from me as well.
"if it were only that easy... I know time heals all wounds.. but it seems like time is moving slower than normal.."
It sure does! Honestly, it's been 9 days of no contact with my EX and i feel fine. Way better than I did a few days ago. I was even thinking of cancelling the flowers on VDAY.
its been 13 days for me (well we did have a couple txts for about a minute on tuesday but besides that nothing) and i feel like shit.. haha.. u really gonna cancel the flowers huh?
Nah, probably not but if don't get a response from her, I'm at the point where I don't give a shit. LOL
thats good man.. thats what i need to do.. part of my problem is my ex will communicate with me.. in fact im sure she would even meet with me and talk about what the issues are... and thats what makes this so hard...
I think your ex will contact you...she may not say what you want to hear but if she didnt contact you at all she wasnt worth it....
Hey DH it will get better, but you know that, right?
We have all had relationships fail before and got over them.
If you want to get back with her and you feel it's worth fighting for then I guess if you feel she wont make the first move the worst that can happen by trying is she rejects you and you are back to where you are now.
But if it's over and you don't want to be back with her and all you want is answers, personally I'd say leave it. Nothing really to be gained by doing that.
I'm sort of all over the place at the moment.
I know if I was to call her and try and sort this out there is a very good chance we would be together again, whether it would work again now is a different thing.
I have a real trust issue with her because of the way she just pushed me away like that. It's not pride, it's trust. I just can't help thinking she will do the same again next time she can't cope.
And I know a relationship with someone that unstable just isn't going to work.
And when I try and look forward I just don't see the longevity in the relationship anymore and that's the bit that really hurts me.
It's not that we are not together because I could fix that by calling her, going to see her. And we would get back together and I'd have that short term fix. I'd be with her and could hold her and love her again, but 6 Months, 1 year, 2 years whatever I know it will come crashing back down again, because deep down, I know she's not the one and that I can do a lot better and deserve a lot better and that's based on how she's treated me in these last few weeks.
I can't change who she is, it's sad, I love her but I just know it wont last
So you have to ask yourself why do you want to contact her and what can you gain by doing it?
Does it really matter who did what? who said what?
well said man...
In response to your situation.. if you KNOW shes not the one than I dont see the point of getting back to her. YOu miss being with someone and you have built a re pour with her, but if you know deep down shes not the one its not worth your time.
In my situation I do need answers yes. I do also however feel this girl is the one. Its hard to explain.. have you ever had a feeling so deep down that you just wouldnt be able to live with yourself if you went against it. Even if EVERYONE is disagreeing with you. ITs hard to explain but I just feel like I need to talk to her. Yes i would love to get back with her, I also need answers too.
Like you said.. I have nothing to lose at this point except maybe get more information.
Like i said earlier "time heals all wounds." Well why am i getting worse everyday? Im genuinely scared
Completely incorrect DH.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Just watch, she might not even dignify your legit concerns with actual responses.
Then again: I don't hear you facing her directly face to face either. Texts don't work.
What are you waiting for?
im going to talk to her face to face.. i did the first time this happened and was successful... i am waiting for after vday... u dont think i should wait?
I know you can do it.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Just be nice, calm and humble about your questions.
If you do it right: there should be zero reason to make excuses, nor get defensive.
However IF she does do those things and you still come *correct* It's a red flag she doesn't want to face.
Good luck, though.
can you clarify... i dont understand that last sentence sorryQuote:
Originally Posted by SelflessnHumble [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
and nice calm and humble is what i do.... thats why im here in the first place lol
my questions to here are simple...
what was her reason for ending it.
if her feelings did change when and why.
why make it seem you were into me when you werent... (not sure about this one how to word it)
amongst the other things you recommended we discuss.. theres more but i forget.. ill write them down before i go
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
why make it seem you were into me when you werent... (not sure about this one how to word it)
Nooooooo don't ask that, although it's a question you are actually laying blame on her directly and that's probably going to be confronting for her which might throw her on to the defensive and shut down
Asking why the relationship ended is fair enough, that's open ended
And maybe the second one should be more along the line of "did your feelings towards me change? The when, how and why should be in the answer anyway. I'd take them out of the question because again it sounds too confrontational
But hey that's just me :)
good advice...
I have another question.. I have a feeling one of her friends is a catalyst as to why things happened... dont have proof but just something i suspect in my guy.. the gut never lies right? I dont know why I feel like that but her friend seems like shes a bitch (iv'e never met her) and she is pretty unattractive. Jealously could play its toll and shes trying to sabatoge the relationship.... Should i mention anything in regard to that
would asking here things like... do you enjoy being with me? if she says yes.. ill say "why throw the baby out with the bathwater?"