No, dude. You deserved it.
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No, dude. You deserved it.
I admit I handled it wrong in lying, but it wasn't for something malicious...it was to protect her and our relationship from my crazy ex, not push her away. Didn't want to bring that drama into our relationship.
Hind sight, I should have let her deal with it along with me.
It was 7 months ago! We've grown as a couple since then...traveling, meeting family, meeting close friends, discussing marriage, kids, etc. I was incredibly good to her. She then ends the whole thing overnight based on what happened more than a half a year ago. A mistake doesn't define a person. What happened during the first 6 months of our relationship with my ex is not how I normally operate. The way she has treated me the last 2 weeks is what I would have expected if I had been abusive to her, physically or mentally.
Well maybe the honeymoon period of your relationship is over, and she needed an excuse to bail because well it's possible she's talking with an ex or she met someone else....it can be a number of things. Sometimes people will manipulate a situation to make the other look bad to cover their ass.
I don't think this is the case... I think what happened is that they broke up, she tried to maintain a friendly rapport, he went too far and kept contacting her and trying to manipulate and guilt her into meeting up, she had enough of that stuff so she told him to not contact her again, he showed up at her house... no wonder she's hostile. Just let it go, OP.Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
@searock...
Ha...you're trying hard to turn me into a real a-hole.
I honored every request she gave me over the month to not contact.
She instigated every conversation with "I miss you, love you" messages.
The only time I ever reached out to her was on her Birthday, and the day before Thanksgiving.
I really have left her alone the entire time, but she continued to reach out to me, then would cut it off again.
Early on in the breakup, I do believe her when she would say "I love you and miss you...but I can't trust you from what happened 7 months ago". Now she is hostile to me, maybe a defense mechanism to make it easier for her.
@smackie9...
She asked to permanently move in to my house a month before, moved to my city for me, initiated discussions about marriage, and kept reaching out to me over the past month although we were broken up. I highly doubt this is over someone else.
It was just mere suggestion because anything can happen. Usually when someone's behavior practically changes over night usually means someone has helped them to change their mind.
She's only been in my city for a few months. The only people she knows are brand new work relationships. She's stated several times that's she's lonely, and has no one to support her during this time period. I just don't think she is in a mental state to be wanting to date anyone.
Why are you STILL spending time thinking about her? Move on...
I'm not a robot, I wish there was a switch I could turn off.Quote:
Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You're right, but take comfort in the fact that there are millions of people around the world recovering from broken hearts and emotional distress from f*cking up a good thing. The further you distance yourself from her, and from thinking about her, the sooner you'll move on.Quote:
Originally Posted by TexAggie1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
It gets better, it just takes time.
Is "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" just a cute phrase, or is there something to it?
There is something to it if absence is not due to either of the two persons' decision. You chose to broke up with each other. Go no contact and teach yourself how to be happy by yourself.
She was over at my place a few days after the breakup, picking up some of her stuff. We talked for a bit, then she started crying, hugging me, and saying "why did you do this to us?". She loved me (maybe still does), but she can't get over what happened 8 months ago...and in her mind can't have a relationship with someone she doesn't trust. I can only assume that she is bitter now, not wanting to revisit getting back together, because she's been overthinking the situation.
I asked that question because honestly, this situation is NOT worth breaking a relationship over. Yes, I lied to her on several occasions 7 months ago to not bring her into the drama of me ending a 6 year relationship with my ex (again, we weren't dating when I met Jenn). The result was always going to be the same in severing that relationship, whether I told her or not...it was NEVER about keeping that relationship alive. The last 7 months have been INCREDIBLE, and SHE is the one that initiated all the marriage, move in, kids talks. She ended it because she tried to get over it, and couldn't after 7 months. Her horrible past as a child as made her very jaded when it comes to trusting people, and it's worked into our relationship (my fault of course).
My HOPE is over time, with no contact...the negative will tend to fade, while who I REALLY am as the person she fell in love with will be realized.
Stop hoping. It's over, accept it. You need to move on.
If she isn't open to work through this, then you are better off.
You are one clueless guy. The major problem from where I sit is *you* don't know how to communicate (Jenn seems quite clear in stating her needs). Your MO seems to be 'hide head in sand and hope situation will resolve'. I was married to a man like you, and its major heartache for the woman who is constantly trying to guess WTF you are thinking and compensating for the hurt you cause her. "But I didn't mean to hurt you!" is a constant refrain with guys like you. But in the end, your attitude and lack of communication skill DOES hurt her. She is absolutely right to leave you. She may love you, but love isn't enough for a stable relationship. Here are some examples that will hopefully wake you up:Quote:
Originally Posted by TexAggie1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
1. You couldn't communicate to your ex she needed to get her shit and go.
2. You couldn't tell your ex you *didn't* love her and she needed to move on.
3. You couldn't tell Jenn that you *did* want to move in, but that you felt the timing was wrong b/c of moving house.
+ many other examples I see here in your posts.
Another man, one with communication skills, would have handled those situations very differently. Instead of chasing your ex and driving her crazy (she will only learn to despise you), I suggest you pick up some books on communication and learn to be more assertive.
As hard as that is to read, you're not the first one to tell me that. I try to minimize confrontation in my life, and I attempted to with my ex...especially knowing what would have happened if I told her about Jenn. It was young in Jenn and I's relationship, and I didn't yet have the confidence in her to handle what my ex would do when she found out about her. Thought it would push her away. I'm not making excuses, as I've said multiple times...I was wrong, and I hate myself for it. I took Jenn for granted, thought she'd always be there...and now I feel that I've lost her.
Since the breakup, I have for the most part practiced no contact. She has reached out to me multiple times, which has given me the hope that she still thinks of me. I haven't reached out to her in 2 weeks, and don't plan on it.
Relationships are the mirrors in which we learn about Self.
Yes, you've lost her. Deal with it and the reasons why if you want to avoid repeating history. Up to you. Good luck.
If you really read my story...and word gets out to her that I have a "for sale" sign in my front yard, will that make much difference to her? I wasn't just talk, I actually meant it and put it into action. I actually had a thought of sending her a picture text of the for sale sign with a message ""As I promised, I wasn't making excuses"...but thought that might be too forced.
Why are we even still talking about this. She made her decision to not trust you, and to stay away from ever having a relationship with you. IMO if she can't get over something that happened 8 months ago then she is not stable enough to work through the issues that come up in a relationship. So like I said, you are better off she bailed. Stop poking at this, yes it's dead, done, over.....she isn't going to change her mind.....let it go and move on.
Selfish men like you are a reason why some women consider harming themselves. Were you stringing 2 woman along for your own security?
Let them both move on
EXCUSE ME?!Quote:
Selfish men like you are a reason why some women consider harming themselves. Were you stringing 2 woman along for your own security?
Let them both move on
Selfish? I'm not getting where I was ever selfish.
You miss the part she cheated on me in January and I eventually forgave her?
She instigated contact every time with me a month after we broke up...then treats me like I abused her when I did?
Stringing along 2 women? Incorrect...Kristy was bi-polar crazy threatening herself. I did care about her as it's someone that's been in my life for 6 years, but it was only a friendship at the time. I'm not a counselor and didn't know how to handle it. I was dating Jenn, and trying to let go of Kristy without her effecting Jenn and I's relationship. YES, I did handle it the wrong way...but there was NO dating 2 girls at the same time or cheating going on. You're making it something that it wasn't.
Because she gave me the confidence to fall for her, which I did very hard. She instigated everything from marriage, kids, moving in, etc...always questioned if I loved her as much as she loved me, always said she missed me more, would tell me she would be devastated if I ever left her.Quote:
Stop poking at this, yes it's dead, done, over.....she isn't going to change her mind.....let it go and move on.
Then she left...and I never did ANYTHING to instigate that except for how I handled 8 months ago. A LOT has happened scince then.
It's very hard to let go, and i haven't contacted her for 3 weeks.
Don't respond to Dying_heart...I say they are clueless or a frickin troll.
Anyways your ex is nuts. She gets all goo, make you fall for her, then she gets all willy nilly over stupidness. She is a fruit loop. You dodged a bullet and you don't even know it.
If by ex you mean Jenn, I don't think she's nuts. She sounds quite reasonable. He is the one who can't communicate. Even now, he wants to send her a picture of the 'for sale' sign? LOL, he wants to be *right*, is all. If I got a photo like that, I'd be saying to myself "...and, so again he can't communicate anything meaningful."
What are you hoping for by sending her the photo? Maybe that might be the correct question to ask yourself?
I agree I sometimes don't communicate correctly my perspective on things.
What are you specifically criticizing me of not communicating correctly?
I lied to my gf about the communication I had with my ex to protect her and our relationship. The intent was always to let her go amid the suicide threats she would send me. I agree...I didn't handle it right.
The sending the picture idea was just to prove my point that I was serious about moving out of my house soon, and it was silly to move all her stuff into my house while I'm trying to "stage" the house for a sell. The idea was to get an apartment, wait for me to sell the house, then we start looking for our own place. I DIDN'T send her anything, I knew it would be a bad idea...I just through it out there.
"Stringing along 2 women?" It may not have been two but definitely one. You sent "I love you messages" to Krissy to pacify her...that is giving her hope you idiot.
Anyways, you are so full of bad ideas right from the start. If you had any spine, and stopped bury your problems hoping they would resolve themselves on their own none of this crap would have ever happened.
Now we're name calling?
I never said I was right in how I handled it.
You have to learn to put yourself in other peoples shoes to truly see the damage you are doing to others.
That is why people are calling you an idiot, self centered...you don't stop and think things through by seeing it from your exes point of view, you have tunnel vision, you are only really trying to protect yourself, instead of just manning up. This krissy girl's mental state is not your problem, it is up to her family to deal with. You should have contacted them with your concerns and put the responsibility onto them as it should be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexAggie1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This^. You are so busy justifying your actions instead of focussing on the hurt they caused. The fact is: your actions hurt her. End of. That doesn't mean your reasons are invalid, but they don't have a place in the apology you needed to make to her.Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Think of it like this: you are driving a car and swerve to avoid a child that runs onto the street. In so doing, you save her life. Unfortunately, you hit someone else's child and they die. That child's parents are devastated. Do you apologize to those parents by saying: "I was trying to avoid hitting the other child!". God, I hope not.
People who can't deliver an effective apology are often pathologic in some way.
Read this and learn:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201012/the-science-effective-apologies