Heartbroken and lost - cannot get over my ex and want him back! help!

Thank you it is good to know i'm not alone and that i'm not crazy. i fee like i'm going crazy most of the time, consumed with thoughts of him - I still think about him every minute of every day, what he is doing, who he is with, why he doesn't care about me anymore, how i could have changed things so he wouldn't have broken up with me and all sorts of other things.
I miss him so much and he has hurt me so much I actually feel pain. I still can't ever imagine myself with anyone else and in fact the thought of being with another man makes me feel sick. I know it takes time, and i do feel better than i did a month ago but i wish the recovery process would just hurry up now! I am fed up of feeling so sad and empty and alone. And i am fed up of never being able to get him out of my head, i think the problem is that i have so many unanswered questions but i did write him a long email asking him to be honest with me about 10 days ago and he never replied. I just can't understand how someone can move on so quickly, it shocks me.

Anyway enough of my ranting. Thank you for your message and I am sorry that you are also going through this. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.

haha I feel like I am crazy too a lot of the time. And I do have a lot of the same thoughts. It's not fun but the best thing is to distract yourself. As much as you don't want to and as much as it hurts when every little thing reminds you of that person you have to go out. Whether its drinks with friends or just a walk. It just helps with the process I think. And time does eventually heal but unfortunately for us I think we're the type that require a lot of time and mending. And there's nothing wrong with that. I definitely do not want to rush into a relationship with anyone either. Not for a long time until I learn to trust again. But it does suck that we all have to feel this pain at one point in our life.

And about the unanswered questions you mentioned I also have a lot of those! I wrote this letter to him explaining a lot of how I feel and what things meant to me. I want to give it to him just so I can get it off my chest and say that I put my heart into it. Do you know what I mean? Like so I can have no regrets about not ever trying. And I know it probably won't change his mind and as much as that sucks I guess it'd make me feel better at least expressing myself. What do you think? Do you think I'd regret that because I still at least want to be friends and I don't want to make it awkward. But it'd be nice if your ex just laid down everything for you. I mean why he broke up with you and how he feels. I think knowing that stuff would make getting over him easier. But unfortunately you can't make a person do that. And it sucks I know and if he doesn't respond then you really can't wait around for him. You seem like a really caring person and he doesn't deserve that part of you if he's going to be like that. Honestly you deserve better and someone should make you feel like a million dollars. I know you've heard it but its really true. And it sucks that I can't even take my own advice... But feel free to keep venting to me I know it really does help with those feelings to at least write them out.

That is exactly why I wrote to him because I had so much I wanted to say to him and had so many unanswered questions - I think that is why im struggling to move on because all i can think about are those questions and if he did actually meet someone else (I think he met someone whilst we were still together on a business trip because i found out that he flew back out to the same place on christmas day but he won't give me an answer and he has defriended me on facebook and changed all of his privacy settings so i can't even see the photots of us he had anymore - why would someone do that if they didn't want to hide something?). But he hasn't replied to my letter and because he didn't now i feel worse because now i know that he doesn't even care about me enough to even try and put my mind at east - and/or that he did meet someone and is too much of a coward to tell me. I also feel foolish and i do regret writing to him now.

So i would have a long think before you send it to him because even if he does reply he is not going to tell you anything that you want to hear and he may not reply at all which hurts even more. I understand that you want to get things off your chest and at least try however and i battled with myself for days before i sent mine, i sent it in the end because it literally consumed me and i couldn't concentrate on anything else. i am hurting even more now though and now all i can think about is why he didn't reply and the thought of him not caring about me anymore after only a few weeks or so is cutting.

I have been dumped before and lost family and pets but i have never felt pain like this ever, it has totally consumed me, my life is in tatters and i am trying to rebuild it slowly piece by piece. I am my ow worse enemy though because i keep trying to keep the lines of communication open with him because im so scared of letting go - a because im scared of never loving anyone ever again and b because i feel so rejected and hurt i am constantly trying to make sense of it all in my head - im one of those people that it takes a long time to break down my barriers but once you do then i fall deep for someone and give them everything so it hurts so much when we break up. Perhaps you are the same?

I would advise you to either send the letter but be prepared to have no reply and if you dont then you absolutely have to cut ties and move on - or dont send it, keep your dignity in tact, be strong and move on now.

Its your decision but think carefully about the consequences of your actions. i have made a right mess of my situation, dont do the same.

Quote:

---

he has defriended me on facebook and changed all of his privacy settings so i can't even see the photots of us he had anymore - why would someone do that if they didn't want to hide something?).

---

Because an obsessive ex is stalking him, maybe and he doesn't care to have her see what's going on in his life?

If you are really serious about getting him back then by all means you should give it a try. Atleast once. I am not saying go and plead to him. But there are ways to get your ex back. Its feels bad when people go into negative mindset and consider that its all over for their relationship. I can give you only this advice: Positive and Happy people are like magnets. Others get attracted to them. Lot of things can be achieved with a positive mindset. Be that magnet.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chrismay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you are really serious about getting him back then by all means you should give it a try. Atleast once. I am not saying go and plead to him. But there are ways to get your ex back. Its feels bad when people go into negative mindset and consider that its all over for their relationship. I can give you only this advice: Positive and Happy people are like magnets. Others get attracted to them. Lot of things can be achieved with a positive mindset. Be that magnet.

---

Ah Jeez! Did you even bother to read this thread before posting that? Furthermore, your blog sucks... Filled with the obvious and some cruel advice to boot. "Using reverse physiology to get your ex back" ? Wonderful advice! LOL

OP......these feelings will go away very soon. Maybe a month or 2...
You'll be fine soon.....just remember that.....it will come

I think thats a bit harsh wake up - im not stalking him! We only split up a few weeks ago and i have had no explanation, its human nature to question things and want answers especially if you were in love. And why wouldn't he want me in his life anymore, we were good friends and very close, i suppose i dont understand how you can just cut someone off.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chrismay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you are really serious about getting him back then by all means you should give it a try. Atleast once. I am not saying go and plead to him. But there are ways to get your ex back. Its feels bad when people go into negative mindset and consider that its all over for their relationship. I can give you only this advice: Positive and Happy people are like magnets. Others get attracted to them. Lot of things can be achieved with a positive mindset. Be that magnet.

---

Do you often give advice to people without trying to understand their situation first?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ruby_red [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think thats a bit harsh wake up - im not stalking him! We only split up a few weeks ago and i have had no explanation, its human nature to question things and want answers especially if you were in love. And why wouldn't he want me in his life anymore, we were good friends and very close, i suppose i dont understand how you can just cut someone off.

---

Yes, I Know you don't understand how you can just cut someone off... that is why you keep questioning it and why I suggested you read or get some help with getting to the point of understanding. I didn't mean to be harsh... just straight forward and eye opening which often appears harsh to those who don't want to understand or are unable to understand and are clinging to their pain ~ that THE proven best method of getting over someone is to go cold turkey zero contact non-creeping social networking sites not dwelling on what was OR COULD HAVE BEEN and keeping busy doing things you enjoy with people who you enjoy.

It's been mentioned before that older posters had it easier than you younger ones because not everyone in the world had an internet page advertising their lives to everyone else so we didn't have that crap to contend with at least.

Anyway, harsh or no, Ruby. It does you no good to peek at what he's up to now and he did the best thing for you by blocking you from seeing what he's up to. You'll realize that eventually.

Look at it this way: Why would you want to be friends with someone who gave you no explanation for vacating your life like he did?

Hope you feel indifferent to him and what he's doing soon.

I do have to agree with wakeup on the social media thing. As hard as it is you have to try not to look at his page. I also struggle with this and it is hard and I do slip too. We're human. But I think looking will upset you more and just try to avoid it if you can. I'm trying to avoid facebook altogether right now because it doesn't help to see how happy other people are when you are going through this and I think right now you just need some you time. I'm going to put together a list of positive things I want to do and hopefully that will distract me. I'll let you know if this helps and maybe you can try it too.

I definitely feel like I can connect with you when you said it takes a long time to break down barriers and when you do you fall deep. I fit this category too and believe me it doesn't make trusting anyone easier. Sadly I find that people tend to let you down and it may be pessimistic to say this but I haven't been proven wrong yet. But as far as the just cutting someone out of your life.. I don't get it either and I'm going through it too. It just feels weird not talking and it hurts like crazy but I think its getting easier. I just hate that someone I care about might not be in my life anymore not even as a friend and that kills me. It sucks so much I know. And I don't get why they do it either but I can tell you you aren't alone with this feeling. Are things getting a little easier for you? And don't let anyone here make you feel crazy because you aren't, you're just going through a hard time.

And as far as the letter.. as much as I want to send it I don't know if I will. Everything I read says don't do it so I'm pretty hesitant. I wouldn't even expect a response back it was just me saying what I need to say. Closure I guess. But I'm still going to think on it more..

I think writing it all out, tucking it away, reading it again in another month (to check your progress emotionally) and then burning the letter when you're good and ready, is a great thing to do. Let your last bits of clinging to the disappointment of this not being your life-mate drift away with the smoke. I also think that "I'm sending you this to get closure" letters are for our eyes alone and shouldn't be shared with the person who didn't have the ballzzz to tell you it's over. That's giving yourself closure and it's far more potent to helping you move on then anything he could ever say to you could help you with because everything he could ever say to you will just provoke yet another question

On edit:

Quote:

---

I'm trying to avoid facebook altogether right now because it doesn't help to see how happy other people are when you are going through this and I think right now you just need some you time. I'm going to put together a list of positive things I want to do and hopefully that will distract me. I'll let you know if this helps and maybe you can try it too.

---

I like. *two thumbs up*

As soon I open my account here, I notice how there is so many people out there, suffering from love. It is comforting knowing that you are the only one loosing your mind, or depressed after a break up. In fact 3 days ago, I broke up with the man I love deeply. After 3 or more years of relationship, he said " I don't love you", and I left. During this days, I haven't being as busy as I wish, however, when I lose control, and feel like I want to call him, because I miss him. I think of what he said. And tell myself, there is no point, to fight if there is no love. So, I haven't contact him, and I hope I don't. He doesn't deserved it. Break up are terrible, loosing the one you love is worse.

My boyfriend text me o Sunday. One day after our break up. My day got worse as soon I text him back. He ask me " how you are doing", I respond with I miss you. He said "maybe". He was awfully cold on his text, however, he mention " the practice was not the same without you". I feel worse now... so no don't respond.

Lissy0404 I know just how you feel. Although my relationship was not quite as long. I told my boyfriend I loved him and he said he could never feel that way. Pretty horrible feeling I know. It hurts so much to love someone who doesn't feel the same way about you. And just like you 3 days after he texted me asking if I was okay. It felt great talking to him but now its been over a week with nothing. It makes me feel so unimportant and like I was nothing and something easy to get over and replace. It makes me feel awful and I'm sure you are in a similar place. I just don't know how you ever get over giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it.

Quote:

---

It just feels weird not talking and it hurts like crazy but I think its getting easier. I just hate that someone I care about might not be in my life anymore not even as a friend and that kills me. It sucks so much I know. And I don't get why they do it either but I can tell you you aren't alone

---

Of course neither of you are alone. Who cares really, though? Does knowing that others don't understand human nature make it any easier to get over someone? Not really no, it doesn't.

The thing to keep in mind, that will help you to give YOURSELF the closure you need so that you'll be able to accept the ending of the relationship (and subsequently start to heal) is that if your loved one were to die suddenly, you'd certainly not have him/her to talk to anymore, they wouldn't be texting, email or phoning you anymore and you would HAVE TO give yourself closure. Pretend he's dead. You'll feel better faster if you do. All the what-ifing and if-onlying... is counter productive to your getting to the stage of indifference to him/her.

Although you have been my logical mind throughout all this Wakeup and I agree with most of what you say, I'm sorry but you can be quite blunt and cold. You speak logic but I know that emotions can over rule logic a lot of the time.

Lissy0404 and kskts6115 - will you questioning why your partners broke up with you help, no, but it is natural. I still after weeks and weeks still everyday question why he, who I thought was the one, broke up with me and I have now written him numerous letters to no avail. And it hurts more but no matter how many times people told me not to i'm only ever going to move on when i'm ready. It's like giving up smoking, you can only ever do it when you believe and truly want to. And the best way of getting over someone is to go cold turkey, cut off all contact (even if they text you ignore them) but I know how hard that is and understand what you are going through. People can tell you till your blue in the face that you deserve better but until you truly believe that you wont move on. The fact is you do deserve better not because they (he) isn't good enough for you but because it wasn't working and there will be someone out there that it will work with. I have spent months crying over my ex and I still cry over it but I have realised that he doesn't care about me anymore and i'm more afraid of being on my own than being without him. We are human beings, we are social animals and its not natural for us to be on our own but before we are truly happy in ourselves then we can't be happy with anyone either.

Im still heartbroken completely and have so many unanswered questions, I still have moments that I feel so anxious that he will never be in my life anymore (and I even think he will be one day) but life does go on and there are so many others out there in worst scenarios than us. I have started writing a diary and it really helps and before bed I write 3 things that have happened today. It does help.

People on here have really helped me but I know that no matter what anyones advice I need to heal in my own time but I will heal.

If you ever want to vent please message me and I will you xx

Quote:

---

Although you have been my logical mind throughout all this Wakeup and I agree with most of what you say, I'm sorry but you can be quite blunt and cold. You speak logic but I know that emotions can over rule logic a lot of the time.

---

You'll get enough "there / theres' from most everyone else in here. There comes a time when there is no point in continuing to be ruled by your emotions and it's time to start logicing things out... before you end up making your questions and your pain your best friend. *I feel for you, I do. But, someone's gotta be logical in all this while offering advice on how to overcome it all. Up to you if you take the advice or deep six it or, even read it, of course.

Wakeup I've taken all of your help and listened to your opinions and ill say its been invaluable and helped me so much. All i'm saying is that you can listen to all the advice in the world but until you start believing things yourself you're never gonna move on. Some people have deeper emotions than others and some people cant deal with their emotions as well as others - im one of those people! I am obviously more led by the right side of my brain and ignore the left! I wish i could be more logical but im not which is why i need someone to tell me how it is! But i also need someone who has been through what i have and vent to.

Everyone here has been what you've been through at one time or another and have lost someone they've loved through break-up and/or death so, even a logical thinker knows about the roller coaster ride of emotions you're going through and of the dangers of letting your emotions rule you.

What are you doing to in way of actions (other than journaling) that will keep your mind off these unanswered questions that are plaguing you currently? Are you working now? Have you joined a gym, taken any courses, joined any groups, gone out with friends/family, started a new hobby? What's new with you activity wise?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kskts6115 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lissy0404 I know just how you feel. Although my relationship was not quite as long. I told my boyfriend I loved him and he said he could never feel that way. Pretty horrible feeling I know. It hurts so much to love someone who doesn't feel the same way about you. And just like you 3 days after he texted me asking if I was okay. It felt great talking to him but now its been over a week with nothing. It makes me feel so unimportant and like I was nothing and something easy to get over and replace. It makes me feel awful and I'm sure you are in a similar place. I just don't know how you ever get over giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it.

---

sorry I'm just jumping into this post but I saw some of these and it reminded me SO MUCH of my breakup with my ex that I had to say something. we broke up just about 2 years ago after being together about a year and a half, one day he just told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me, gave no more detail, ignored me for about 4 days, then met up with me and gave me false hope thinking we might be able to work it out, but a few days later said it was over. I was devastated, heartbroken, depressed, I didn't eat for about a week. all I did was cry, try to sleep, and walk around like a zombie. little by little I tried to get in touch with old friends, get back to being independent, and I was having fun but I would always go home at the end of the night and cry. I started keeping a journal where I would write my feelings and sometimes write letters as if they were to him expressing my anger, thoughts, sadness, etc. 2 months after our breakup I found out he was dating a girl who I knew, and I lost it. it was like being dumped all over again except with an extra twist this time. one of my best friends said to me, why are you even friends on fb still? that night I deleted him (and her since I was friends with her too) off facebook, deleted every picture of him out of my camera and off my computer, and officially just removed him from my life. I don't know why I kept that stuff anyways. it took a very long time (about a year really, maybe a little less) for me to be COMPLETELY over him. but I tell you from the other side... it does happen. you will be ok, you will get over him, you will be happy again!

I remember when it first happened being in such a dark place and thinking, "how will I ever get through this?" I couldn't imagine not ever talking to him or seeing him again, and the thought of him with someone else made me sick to my stomach. well it has been 2 years and I'm still surviving. I hardly ever think of him, and when I do it's an indifferent thought. I don't really feel angry or sad anymore, and I don't regret being with him. it taught me a lot of lessons. I've seen him out since and things are cordial, I wouldn't necessarily strike up a conversation with the guy but it's not like my heart rips apart at the seams. you're doing really good by avoiding contact with him. any guy who doesn't feel the same as you isn't worth it and you deserve better! I recommend the books "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken" and "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. those helped me a lot, they made me laugh and cry and they give awesome tips on how to deal with breakups. hang in there and feel free to message me if you need anything =)

Wakeup i have been applying for jobs the last 4 weeks and got offered one today. :)

I went to a gym anyway and also have a horse but ive now taken up boxing and am working out everyday.

I never really was close to my parents but have made a conscious effort to spend more time with them and am now getting really close to them. I spend more time with friends, when i was with my boyfriend i saw them about once a month and now its a couple of times a week. i also see a councilor once a week.

Proud?

So i've been doing so well but I found out tonight that he has deleted or hidden all of our photos off facebook. I'm devastated. It's like he has broken up with me all over again. I feel like messaging him and asking him why he has done it!

How can someone move on so quickly?!

I know, I have to accept it's over which I think I have but it still hurts! :(

Hi you

I've been there once before and I'm in the same position again! You will get through this, but here really isn't a shortcut. but you'll get through and emerge stronger. No Contact is great for 2 reasons. First, if you want him back NC is the ONLY way you will get this. But it takes time. And there's no guarantee either. Secondly, by practicing NC you give yourself time to develop and move on. Eventually NC ceases to be a strategy to get an ex back and instead becomes evidence that you no longer need this man to be happy. But it's tough, really tough - as I once heard it described 'a mental challenge of the first order'.

I can sympathise with ruby_red here as I myself am experiencing the exact same thing. My girlfriend broke up with me earlier this month (she doesn't want me around whilst going through some personal stuff). It sounds like an excuse to not to see me but I can assure you it's not. We have remained in contact and are friendly enough, we have met up a couple of times and the indications are that once she has got through her stuff then we could attempt to start things again. This at least is my understanding. She has made it clear to me that we are not an item at the moment and despite her friends/family telling her how great I am (and how great we are together) she has no desires on anything other than focusing on her personnel stuff. She is halfway through but it is like hell for me. I cannot get her out of my head, keep checking my phone, longing for contact, wishing things were back to normal but sadly they are not. The annoying thing is that she is carrying on as best she can seeing her friends/family and continuing to work so the only thing that is not as it used to be is having me in her life. Initially she said she missed me (and still is) and found it strange not going to bed with me, chatting/texting me everyday but she seems to have coped ok with this. I was told no contact when she made this decision and I stuck by that, but her texting me has since opened the floodgates and we text probably 4 days out of 7. I wonder if I am reading into her words that she tells me but they all seem positive to me and at no point has she told me that we are over and I think she wants to first get herself sorted and then try again as things were ok but her condition made things not workable between us.

I would like a couple of things from this.............

1 - to feel wanted by her again. This may come in time. I loved the fact she would invite me round and chase me but now it seems she is happy to not have me around and I need to know how to turn the tables so she does the chasing. This is tricky as her life is busier than mine and she has a bigger circle of friends/family. She chased me more at the start and before I knew it my life revolved around her and the challenge for her ended I feel - HOW TO AVOID THIS IN THE FUTURE????? I sent a text the other day and she never replied on that day - clearly she is not seeing me as a priority or somebody who she WANTS to reply to and that feels crap. It would be easy to move on but my feelings are still with her at the moment.
2 - I would love to know what SHE is thinking. I hear from her what her friends/family think but she hasn't told me what she feels. As a result I get a bit low and feel negative on the days I don't see her or hear from her and I then start thinking that maybe I am now just a friend to her. Her feeling nothing towards me is due to her condition and when she has passed the 'healing' time then I hope she will start to feel feelings towards once more.

firstly im so sorry youre going through this i know how horrible it is. secondly how long have you been together? has there been any progress since you posted this carlton99, sorry ive not been on this for a while?

my ex told me he wanted to go on a break because he wanted to sort his head out, decide whether we were right together - he told me he was depressed and unhappy with his life and needed time to get back on track. im not sure what this personal situation is of your girlfriends that you talk of but what i have learnt from this is that what he told me wasnt all lies but he used it as an excuse to break up with me in the most cowardly way. he even text me on this break saying he was so low and depressed and when i text back and said i was worried about him he took ages to reply and when he did said he was ok. he was messing with me. after 6 weeks on this break he broke up with me by text. it broke my heart. then i found out that in this break time he was going out, getting drunk, partying and flirting with girls! he never intended to pick things up after this break he was just too much of a coward to break up with me because a. knew it would hurt me and b. he kinda wanted me hanging on just incase he didnt move on.

its taken me 3 months but now i see that he was a coward and a liar and sounds like this girl is doing the same thing to you!

do yourself a favor and tell her its over and cut all contact and eventually you will move on.

it hurts like hell but if she is going through something and she doesnt want you there beside her then its not right.

if you ever want to vent or talk im here :)

xx

We were together for almost 7 months. Yes not sure progress is the word - I let other people judge for themselves based on what I say.

Yes he sounds like a coward - how can people string you along? Why not just be honest - I'd much prefer that.
Unfortunately her circumstances are different as she is coming off anti depressants and it was easier to break up for 2 reasons. The first being she didn't know how long it was going to take and therefore could not expect me to hang around for weeks/months/years. Secondly she did not want me to see her at her worst as the withdrawal can be tough.

I last posted on Jan 31st and we have been out once more since I last posted. On that meeting she told me I looked good, invited me back to hers, cuddled up to me, invited me to a family get together and said she hopes to still go on holiday with me later in the year (which we have booked). The following week she rang me every other day, texting me saying she is missing me, looking forward to seeing and we made arrangements to see each other last weekend. She then cancelled them saying she felt tired, more arrangements were made for the following day, again these were cancelled. Two days went by with no contact between us then she rings me up asking me to get some medicines for her as she is feeling sick.

I certainly get mixed signals from her and I am guilty of reading into things I know. She is nearing the end of her withdrawal program and then has 1-2 weeks for the drugs (anti depressants) to leave her system. I am just becoming impatient as her life is continuing normally in all aspects (except for me) and I cannot help feeling that if she REALLY wanted to see me then she would do. She knows I am waiting for her but I cannot wait for ever.

carlton99 im interested to see how you are? Its just I have been on anti-depressants on and off for the last 15 years, ive been on a low dose, a higher dose, come off them at some times. anyway yes there are side effects but never do you need to cut people out of your life! im sorry but she is using this as an excuse. she is using you.

Hi,

Yes so so. Progress has been made as 2 weeks ago she suggested starting things up again and we have slept (and I mean slept) together 3 times and are now kissing and holding hands, cuddling so it's heading in the right direction.
She has a lot on her plate at the moment, been 2 weeks since she last took a tablet, recovering from the chest infection is busy at work and so we went out on Saturday & Sunday but I haven't seen her all week although we are meeting up tomorrow.

She has told me to be less available however and this is a real challenge for me. I can say to her that I am busy when she nexts suggests something but why do I want to do this when I want to see her???? It doesn't make sense as she doesn't do this to me.
I do understand it a little bit because I like fish and chips but if it was available to me EVERY day then I wouldn't want it and it becomes less special. I know what to do but I can just picture her face if I say no I cannot make that dinner on that day etc. How do people do it as it's not in my nature and is made even more tricky when I don't have a great circle of friends around. I know everybody is different but why doesn't she want to see me as much as I want to see her? Is it her current state or is she not in the zone of feeling what she should at the moment? It feels like I am punishing myself but not seeing her. It is strange though and we saw each other on Saturday and Sunday and then she suggested meeting on Monday so the keeping a distance thing went out the window there..............so confusing!!