I dont see how i have said one thing and then said another. All ive been giving here is my PERSONAL opinion and i also said i will provide links as to where these opinions were formed on tuesday if people want them.
Printable View
I dont see how i have said one thing and then said another. All ive been giving here is my PERSONAL opinion and i also said i will provide links as to where these opinions were formed on tuesday if people want them.
For me, maybe I'm a little old fashioned, but I believe you're either with me or we're not in a relationship. I know open relationships work for others, and if they want them, great. But, with me personally, I don't see how they can have the same level of connection as someone in a completely committed relationship. Yes, I've had my share of fun; I won't deny that. But that doesn't mean I'm not looking for that one special man who I can give myself and any love I have in my heart to and receive the same from him. I started looking for him when I was fourteen, and as evil as some of the things guys have done, I don't want to stop until I find him. I want one of those unique loves that lasts a lifetime. And I only want it with one person- whatever his name will be in the future.
You're still a baby. Get back to me when you're 50 and tell me that all those years you never fantasized about any other man and only had eyes for the one you're with now.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You mean like dinosaurs, wolves, and voles?Quote:
Originally Posted by michelle23
Many of our survival instincts are not needed in modern society because it's modern society. How modern society affects our survival instincts has nothing to do with the inherent nature of our sexual urges and mating habits.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelle23
Bottom line: The safest and most logical bet is that there is no such thing as an inherent orientation in humans toward monogamy or polygamy. Without the extensive socialization toward the former who knows what the norm would be or even if there would be any such thing as a norm? We weren't meant to be one or the other, we should be able to just do whichever one we want with no social ramifications getting in the way. And that includes such thoughts as "oh those people are polygamous? Yeah, they obviously don't love each other, those relationships are just for horny bitches who want to get their rocks off and nothing more". Lol....right.
This goes back to what I said in the first post ITT. One relationship type isn't "better" than the other. One shouldn't be the norm over the other. One shouldn't carry an inordinate amount of social baggage vs. the other and the only level headed perspective on one vs. the other is "who cares"?
Edit: To answer your original question as to whether or not I believe in monogamy or polygamy for myself, I believe in both. I could be happy with either type of relationship. In my younger years I would say no, I didn't believe in monogamy - I always felt like something was missing in a monogamous relationship and was always tempted to cheat. At this point in my life I feel like I could go either way just fine.
I didn't always, but I do now.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I am happy being in a committed, loyal relationship. I would never agree to be in an open relationship... I couldn't bear to share her sweetness with anyone else, and unlike you, I believe that sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander as well. I believe that equality means... equal. No special rules for one or the other because of gender. So, I will not, because I know that she will not.
I know you'll dislike and protest this answer. I really don't give a shit.
Provided two people are happy with their arrangement and no one gets hurt - there is no problem. As weird as it might seem to be personally, I've known people in open relationships and they were very close and very happy; they had certain boundaries in place and it worked for them. It wouldn't for me because I find the idea off-putting but that's my business.
The problem is cheating - a breach of trust. This is a different thing entirely. Cheating is possible even in open relationships - most poly couples have 'rules', it's not just a free or all. Both have to agree on who the other person will be, how often they include them and so forth.
Anyway; I think humans are capable of being either - it's a choice and a preference. Any deviation from the norm is going to be scrutinized (look at homosexuality) but if it works and the people involved are happy with it, it's fine.
It's interesting that most people are quite possessive of their partners (in so far as wanting exclusivity and becoming quite jealous at the thought of them wanting or being with someone else) - this is a pretty universal trait so I'm quite curious as to how poly couples avoid this.
Oh no you don't. You love your double-standards, as long as they're in favor of females.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I'd prefer it in the beginning, but would end up regretting in the end.
With "Compersion":Quote:
Originally Posted by TablesandChairs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This is how wiki discribes it:From what I've read, they do get jealous but strive for that state of compersion when their partner take on a new lover, however; they use that jealous energy when/if it occurs to fuel their own desire for one another. Eventually, there is no more jealousy and they all enjoy one another without possessive thoughts.Quote:
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents' pride in their children's accomplishments or one's own excitement for friends' and others' successes. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.
I've always done monogamous COMMITTED relationships, however I have also been in many situations where I had been casually dating someone, and we were not physically exclusive. I am the type (judge me or not, I don't care) who enjoys one night stands. If two people are consenting, and have great chemistry, but are not in search of anything serious, then I have no problems with one night stands. That being said, I have casually dated people where we acted like a couple, went on dates, spent the majority of our time together, but never actually referred to each other as "boyfriend/girlfriend" and we were both doing our own thing outside of the "relationship" (having one night stands, or going on other dates).
These types of relationships did not last, nor have they have ever lasted longer than any committed relationship I have ever been in, and I think this is for obvious reasons. At the same time, when I was in these non committed "relationships" I never asked what the other person was doing, and just hoped that they weren't doing what I was doing. Of course that is selfish of me, and of course I would feel jealous if they ever admitted it to me, but it was always a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" situation. Again, none of these types of relationships have ever lasted, and for good reason.
I don't think I could be in an actual polyamory relationship, as I would be too jealous, although I can't say I would never try it.
Then you're not really monogamous by nature. (I don't believe monogamy refers to when you are in a commited relationship or you are not. It doesn't have much to do with the dynamics of the union but rather the belief in the monogamous dynamic itself) You enjoy more then one sexual partner at a time. Monogamous people usually can't even stomach the thought of having more then one sexual mate at a time. Am I wrong here? That's my understanding anyway.Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymous_a [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
And that ^^^ right there is why you ask for sexual exclusivity and if it's denied and you're monogamous and wish to be with someone who thinks the same way as you, then you know to stop seeing that person.Quote:
These types of relationships did not last, nor have they have ever lasted longer than any committed relationship I have ever been in, and I think this is for obvious reasons. At the same time, when I was in these non committed "relationships" I never asked what the other person was doing, and just hoped that they weren't doing what I was doing. Of course that is selfish of me, and of course I would feel jealous if they ever admitted it to me, but it was always a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" situation. Again, none of these types of relationships have ever lasted, and for good reason.
You wild one you ;) .... and another indication that you are not 100% monogamous in nature.Quote:
I don't think I could be in an actual polyamory relationship, as I would be too jealous, although I can't say I would never try it.
I wouldn't say I always enjoy more than one sexual partner at a time. I more so, just enjoy sex lol. Based on my own experiences, every time I have been in a casual relationship, we weren't always having steady sex. Some weeks we would have sex 6 times in that week, or some weeks we'd only have sex once or twice in that week, or maybe we would even go 2 weeks without, but still be hanging out as often as possible. If I'm going out with friends on one of those weeks where I haven't had sex in 2 weeks, then I may find it intriguing to take someone home with me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
It may also be as simple as I just didn't care enough about those people to stay monogamous! I am in a committed relationship now, where I would never cheat, and we've been together almost 2 years. I have also been in a 3 year relationship, where I never cheated. In the first relationship, I never had a desire to cheat, but I did go a bit boy crazy when we broke up. With my current boyfriend, I did come close to cheating (blue eyes, if you recall), however I DO love my bf enough to have come to the realization, that I do not want anyone else, so I broke off that "friendship." It helps that we have sex on the regular, but even during times where we've gone days sometimes a couple weeks without sex (not very often) I never wanted it from anyone else. Like I said, it could just be as simple as me not caring enough for those past individuals, to stay monogamous, but who knows.
If it ever reaches the point in my current relationship that I no longer want to stay monogamous with him, then I would break up with him, because I know that is all he wants. If we ever got to a point where we stopped having sex "just because" then I would also probably leave, because clearly there is something wrong in the relationship, if we cannot be intimate with eachother anymore.
Again, I'm not saying I would never TRY a polyamory relationship, but I don't think it would last simply because I AM selfish, and I DO like attention, and I don't know that I would like my SO giving his attention else where. But at the same time, I would have attention coming from multiple partners as well, so who knows lol.
Trust me, proper grammar, even on a site like this will make people take you more serious.Quote:
Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
But back to the question, eventually someone is going to get hurt in an open relationship. Both parties might say they don't "care" about the other one sleeping with someone but eventually your dignity catches up with you and you do care. Or, the person that you are sleeping with falls for you. Eventually, that will happen. Not saying in a monogamous relationship you can't get hurt, but for starters you aren't intentionally sleeping around.
Well, it will may YOU take him more serious anyway, O.oQuote:
Originally Posted by Hightower [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
as per your personal opinion. There are thousands of couples who, when they abide by the mutually agreed to rules, do not get hurt. There are thousands of monogamous people who eventually get hurt as well so your point isn't really one.Quote:
But back to the question, eventually someone is going to get hurt in an open relationship.
Have you experience in open relationship? Is this what personally happend to you? (serious question)Quote:
Both parties might say they don't "care" about the other one sleeping with someone but eventually your dignity catches up with you and you do care.
And that is what polyamory is about. Open relationships are not the same as polyamory.Quote:
Or, the person that you are sleeping with falls for you. Eventually, that will happen.
Polyamory is more about the love of more then one sexual partner and it's not just about sex.
In polyamory, you are not "intentionally sleeping around either" If you read about it, you will see that partners are picked by both the man and the woman, agreed to and no relationship will be formed unless everyone is on the same page.Quote:
Not saying in a monogamous relationship you can't get hurt, but for starters you aren't intentionally sleeping around.
Put it this way, if you respect your partner the last thing you do is have an open relationship. I guess this has worked for you? But no partner worth their salt would be okay with the other one having sex with another person................unless this person doesn't love their partner truly or is together with them for the wrong reasons. Bottom line is this, open relationships are not intended for serious couples. That's the truth even if people don't want to hear it. It is only for fairweather relationships that aren't all that serious in the first place. I've been in love and I've been with someone who I probably wouldn't have cared had they gone out with another person. Guess which one I'm married to?Quote:
Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This statement I could not disagree more with. My current partner and I have grey lines all over the place with "monogamy", but we have also met some couples in our adventures who are 100% open and have multiple partners. One of these couples has been married for several years and love each other without question, they just have a emotional disconnect of sorts when they're with someone else. It is literally just about the sex and the fantasy of multiple partners.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hightower [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
To the main topic, here is how I see it, and having been in both strict monogamous relationships and ones where individual and group play are allowed, I think this sums it up the best I can:
Sexual relationships are much like pizza. Many people like pizza, probably more than don't, but that doesn't mean humans are genetically or biologically disposed towards pizza. It is one of the more common, delicious, and readily available foods when looking for something to eat, so people settle for it, and they're happy with it.
Do they judge people who don't like pizza? Sometimes, but it is pretty narrow-minded to judge someone else just because they don't understand a love for pizza like you do. They in turn like something else, possibly something you don't like. It doesn't make them a freak, or someone who doesn't value your idea of a bond with pizza, pizza just isn't for them. In an open relationship, if you're predisposed towards monogamy, then of course you're not going to understand polyamory or a straight open relationship, because you have different emotional needs behind your sexual encounters. It is a situation where you need to find what works for you, and leave everyone else alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Except you don't know what happens behind closed doors with that couple. Is there bitterness and resentment that the one person has never spoken about? No one is going to put their worst face forward in front of another couple. This couple probably just simply lost the respect of each other or else they wouldn't venture elsewhere for sex, that's the meat and potatoes of this all. If you have a great partner that satisfies your needs you don't wander, plain and simple. If your partner does NOT satisfy your needs then your relationship is in trouble to start with and won't improve with sleeping around.
Think about the person you've loved the most in your life. Now think about some guy going to town on her and knowing her in a way that only you do. If you have no problem with that, then you have lost respect for your partner, plain and simple. I prefer to appreciate what I have, and share it only with each other.
Exactly, so you assume that because this is how you feel, that it is how everyone should feel. Your entire post is based on your perception of what makes a good relationship, so much so that you have to assume that the people I described have problems without me giving any such indication. Unfortunately this is the problem with your argument - you have assumed that there is only one correct view - yours. It means that you're not open to further thought, and just assume that everyone who disagrees is ignorant to your reality, or plain wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hightower [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
We've had this argument with Michelle before.....the genes don't lie, men and women will stray to have sex with others instinctively. Most of us have control over our behavior, but it doesn't mean the desire isn't there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Variety is a misconception - the only variety is your true love, the rest are just the same.
maybe from a religious stand point yes but scientifically no.
There aren't different kinds of truth. Truth is one. And if you want a true relationship, you share it with one person.
We are not talking about "truth" "relationships" we are talking nature, genetics, facts....not beliefs.Quote:
Originally Posted by toknow [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Based on what? Who are you to say your "truth" is the actual truth? You are just as ignorant as Hightower, anyone who doesn't agree with you is simply wrong. Great basis for an argument there.Quote:
Originally Posted by toknow [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
LOL....smackie and cerby....Don't try to understand it....in your case it's no use.
stupid f uck..........
ROFL....Confirms my point.Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Nope proves my point...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hightower [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Considering the fact that in my 400+ posts here only you and one guy who got banned for being a dumbass have ever complained about my grammar you are obviously wrong so let it go.
Rebuttals to all of this have already been posted repeatedly throughout this thread and the closest you've come to answering those rebuttals is dodging them and repeating what has already been refuted and pretending this makes your preconceptions end all be all and the entire universe that exists outside of the narrow tunnel through which you're capable of viewing reality is dead wrong. Considering this, it should be very easy to see how your posts hold no merit.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hightower
Da fuq is so hard to understand bout dat brah?
to know does to intelligent discussions what Buzz Killington does to parties
[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
LOL....You don't have one, because you can't comprehend what I wrote.Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Too funny.
LOL....What you watch says much more about you than it can ever say about me.Quote:
Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
As Hefner once said 'a man (or a woman I guess) can try hard and be monogamous. It just isn't normal...'
To my opinion life is going on dynamically. Sticking in an ended relationship is one of the most dangerous things. Follow your hart, and you could lead a good life with any number of people that suits you. Of course the number could be 1 :-)
LOL....let me guess....Hefner knows nothing about monogamy.Quote:
Originally Posted by sssspanos [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This doesn't mean he can not say something right unfortunately... Btw we all start a relationship tending to be loyal. Life has other plans though...
Your decisions are your life.Quote:
Originally Posted by sssspanos [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Sometimes other people make decisions too. Sometimes you feel something you didnt expect. It might be hard to understand for your expierience level but sometimes you are not the only person in relationship.
What makes you think that?Quote:
Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I dont really care whether people are naturally monogamous or not. All i know for sure is if the whole world deciced tomorrow that they are all gonna have open relationships and it became the norm-id choose to be single as that is not for me.
I wouldnt agree to share my partner with anyone. For me sex is personal and intimate and it wouldnt be special if he was also doing it with others. His body fits mine perfectly and we click sexually. As far as im concerned sharing each other would mean that something is wrong with us and our relationship.
I got a letter in my work letter box recently. The whole town did. A lady posted it to name and shame a woman her hubby ran off with. They had a threesom and a foursome first of all which destroyed their marriage and 7children were caught up in the mess.
It turned out the woman he ran off with had been cheating on her husband for years..
Anyway im not saying it cant eork for some people. I just think its only a matter of time before infatuation or obsession kicks for one of their external lovers and thats it. Game over.
As for loving and sleeping with multiple partners-i can see that eorking as long as the same rules apply to him and her and said rules are not broken.
Open relationships-id say they always end badly
It is how you build a strong relationship. You don't build a strong relationship on having sex with complete strangers. How long have you been married may I ask? You seem to think you know how to build a relationship properly (which you have done the total opposite) so how does/would an open relationship work in your relationship?Quote:
Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I'm saying the people who start this kind of stuff have problems in their relationship because it is obvious they do. You are a product of the Cosmopolitan/Hollywood mindset our society has been brainwashed into. You aren't going to have a trusting relationship with anyone worth their salt if you are sleeping around half the time.