I know it can be tough sometimes. You will be able to get through this though. If you are going through depression, I would suggest seeing a therapist if you are able to.
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I know it can be tough sometimes. You will be able to get through this though. If you are going through depression, I would suggest seeing a therapist if you are able to.
see i've already thought of that.. therapists done come cheap here in the philippines... besides, i have good friends.
I wasn't referring to missing your SO. I was referring to longing for your child. And actually, no. You won't "be beside" your son his entire life. At the very least and best, with luck, you'll be dead before your child's life passes in its fullness. At the very worst, you'll take that sentiment to an extreme and not let your child go when the time comes. Any of the shades between those extremes is also possible. Not all are advisable.Quote:
Originally Posted by lovestruck
Case in point: "Mommies make the rules. Daddies break them." When he was three or four, my ex was annoyingly protective of our son, doing things like not letting him walk on a city sidewalk unless he was holding one of our hands. One day, he was tugging at my hand as we all three strolled around our neighborhood in San Francisco, "What?!" I snapped at him. "I want to go ahead," he answered. I thought about it and said, "Okay. But when you get to a curb, you stop RIGHT THERE, without stepping off it, and wait for us. Okay?" His eyes lit up and he nodded madly in a fine imitation of Deputy Dawg saying 'yes' to a milk bone offer. I let his hand go and he shot off running ahead of us.
My ex freaked and made to run after him. I called her back, saying, "Let him go. There's a stop sign at the corner and traffic is light, anyway. Let's see who the little guy is." We watched him barrel toward the intersection; my ex's eyes getting bigger with shock each step he took; admittedly, I was a little tense, too. At the very last, possible moment, he skidded to a halt at the curb and turned around to shoot us a huge grin. I cracked up laughing. My ex punched me in the ribs.
I'm sure my son felt as if he'd accomplished something great. And, when you think about it, he had.
So, no. It's not always a good idea to always "be beside" your children. If you are, they never have a chance to show you who they are without you. And, since "without you" is where they'll inevitably end up, I think it's a good idea to prepare them for that from the very beginning.
FWIW.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovestruck
Ok I'm confused isn't this what you said in an earlier post??
I made probably the biggest mistake I'll ever make in my life.. I didn't use protection. and I'm dealing with it.
I'm not trying to rip you a new one here although I don't agree with what you did, I'm just trying to give you advice on what your telling us. After reading your last post about what happened with your man, I think your both not happy and you ahve to sit down and figure out what you want. But I think a bigger issue here is finding a way to deal with your post-pardom depression which is what I think you have. Things do get better, but if your not able to go to a therapist you will ahve to find some other way of dealing with this. Maybe you can schedule an appt with your ob/gyn and explian what's going on emotionally with you and they can direct you on how to go about this.
You BOTH are unhappy....and the longer you stick together..........and the more tension it is.....the more its gonna effect your child. They can sense it and trust me......its not a good thing.
My parents had alot of tension when we were growing up..... I remember going to bed so scared when I would hear them argueing and threatening to leave each other..
WHen they got divorced....I thought my world was ending.....and I was like 14 at the time..... But......I learned afterwards how much happier they were after splitting up.....and I got to appreciate them more....and my dad was less moody and my mom was even happier...
I learned they were much better apart then together....and they were still there for me and my sis......
SOmetimes you have to be selfish and think of yourself.... Cuz if your not happy...chances are your child won't be....
American Moral Decay: "its now better to divorce for the child's sake...then it is to stay together and work it out for the child's sake."
So.....you think that its best for the parents to stay together even though they are openly unhappy and sleeping around with other people?Quote:
Originally Posted by carpflounder
Sadly this happens all too often. And as you said in your earlierQuote:
Originally Posted by Ellynn
post, the kids suffer with them.
That's exactly what I don't want my son to go through.. I grew up watching my mother getting the shit beatin out of her. Just by hearing something drop or bang, my sisters and I would immediately check on my mom if she was ok. Sometimes we would be paranoid, sometimes we would be to late. I know what it feels like to be in a shitty family.. I promised myself I would never do that to my children.
I know for a fact that if we don't split up, it'll get worse.
I'm moving out next week. I'm going to stay with my grandmother for the meanwhile. Yes my son is staying with me. John doesn't know how to take care of the baby.
I'm not sure where this all will end up, but to be honest, I'm scared to death to make the wrong move.
Maybe have sometime apart will make you and your bf realise that you miss eachother or that it is really over.
Take care
Reminds me of how things were for my friend a few years back.... SHe had a kid at 18 and moved in with her little girls father... He wouldn't take care of the kid. He wouldn't let her get a job.... He had her taking care of that kid 24/7 and staying home. If I came over to visit to go shopping with her....we had to bring the kid with... (which I didn't mind..but the whole point was to get out and get some time away....) He also cheated on her......slapped her occasionally.....they had alot of fights.... He also got another woman pregnant....and he couldn't understand her wanting to be independent. She got out of the situation....(he was put in jail for driving drunk and murdering his best friend in the process)......and she actually got a job.....moved home for awhile....saved some money...and got her own apt...and got her drivers license..Quote:
Originally Posted by lovestruck
Then she met this guy a year ago....and now they are married and having a baby boy in a few months... Things are alot better now.and this guy treats her with respect. Lets her do her thing and trusts her. Doesn't hit her etc... Thats the way it should be. IF she wouldn't have gotten out of the situation she probably would still be stuck and depressed.....
Honestly if things are that bad now....imagine them in a few yrs....and would the kid really want to remember them together??
Sometimes maybe its best to just go separate ways.....and just reassure the child that both of his parents love him/her....
Oh no, not affairs again. I'm sorry, I don't mean it as a negative cliche, but I've been in affairs also. I was the guy that would get the one nighter. I have read everything that is happening. You seem to be handleling your situation quite well to this point. Don't ever think about how awfull your life is getting because of a mistake that took place. Mistakes are good, and we all learn from them and receive strenght from them. I feel horrible myself again for getting involved because I know how much you really care for your family now. I'm hoping for the best and hope to hear from you soon.
Go shoot yourself girlQuote:
Originally Posted by lovestruck
Yeah the thing I DON"T agree with is affairs...
If your that unhappy and want out....do that first....get out...and then pursue someone else...
I guess people are afraid of being alone for awhile.......
Why do I have a feeling we're not getting the whole story here? What's this "if I don't leave, I know it'll get worse" shit? You already getting slapped around, Love "struck"?
You should meet my mother then.Quote:
Originally Posted by tooxshort
I'm with Ellynn, that's what I have been saying all along!
Eloquently put, W. I completely agree w/this post.Quote:
Originally Posted by whaywardj
Distilled down: Decide what you REALLY want. Then do it in such a way that you can live with yourself. Because, in the end, this is all there really is. And don't forget, while life is short, life (barring accidents) is also really long... interpret that as you will.
Good luck from me too!
did she disappear?? Maybe she didn't like the advice... hmmm
i'm still here... although every word of advice you guys give is like a slap and a punch.. i'm listening. i just really don't know what to say. I know I should stop this self pitty shit.. i'm trying..
okay.. well, me and john already talked.. he refuses to leave.. i guess because " falling out of love" isn't a good enough reason for him. He's a very responsible man.. and his love for our son is on the same level of mine. I can't just push him out the door, and I can't just leave.
He's acting a alot more sweet now. and I think the guilt is starting to kick in.
I think we're gonna give it one more shot. but he does know what I feel. . vise versa.
I'm trying to keep myslef busy with work..and the baby of course. I just wanna stop thinking of it.
Good luck, I hope things workout for the best.
thanks guys.
Lovestruck...all I can think to add is something I try to be mindful of. I always knew this, BTW, (and so do you, I suspect) but it took someone from here to remind me and get my mental butt in gear. I'll paraphrase:
In any situation, your happiness (or lack of) comes entirely from you. If you choose happiness, you will be. If you choose otherwise, you won't. Life is one big self-psych session. You have the blessings of a healthy child & partner who both love you. Listen to your inner voice. If there is something that will make you more happy than these, then reach for it. If not, focus on what you have and enjoy it for as long as you can. Best.
I'm sorry to say this BUTQuote:
Originally Posted by lovestruck
You saying that is really a slap on the face to every couple who is faithful. ESPECIALLY every faithful couple with a child. What, you think you are the only person in the world in a "Difficult" situation (I.e. with a partner and a child)? Stop making yourself into a virgin Mary with all your "problems". It sounds like you're just making excuses to justify your repulsive behavour... Let me tell ya, no one held a gun to your head to cheat, just like no one held a gun to your head to not use protection in the first place. You did those things WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY. You're not a martyr, so stop trying to make yourself come off as one, it's just too transparent.
Nobody promised you anything easy or even fair in life. Just like nobody made those promises to me or anybody else in this world. Yes, I too wish i was handed a life free of problems on a silver platter, don't we all?
My advice for you is to come clean to your SO about everything. How you don't love him (That is very obvious to me), don't respect him, don't see your child as your highest priority (Yes, it looks like your personal happines is priority #1) and how you cheated on him, I think the ball is in his court now to whether keep you with your problems or leave you. I think this "I love you, but i'm not in love with you" sugar coating to saintify yourself that you told him simply won't do...
My 2 Cents
IM Sorry, but this really pisses me off! Yeah you have a point, but one thing for sire.. my child will never come second! I may not know what for sure I want right now.. but my baby is everything. I will always have regrets but I will never compromise my childs well being because of them!
Yeah, it seems like I'm trying to look for excuses to cover up my bull**** and maybe I am.. BUT AGAIN, I WILL ALWAYS PUT MY CHILD FIRST!
I'm trying to work things out with John. For the sake of our son and for the love we had/have.
I'm trying. Believe it or not. you won't hear any more self ptty rubbish from me anymore.
Yeah I bet when you were screwing that other guy..you were thinking about your child. :stuckup: :evil:Quote:
Originally Posted by lovestruck
Ok, honestly if YOU are unhappy..and you feel its both in your best interest....as well as your childs...to split from this guy you are with....then do it....
As a child who grew up in a house that was full of tension......I know that ...ThAT alone can be stressful....feeling how unhappy your parents are.... And the funny thing is once they got divorced.....I got to know each other individually and got to see them happy....and they eventually became friends....and all was good. It might sound selfish of them to split up....but I know now it was for the best...
My dad cheated on my mom....and even though I was very upset to hear that...there was a reason. My mom lost interest in him all together not long after I was born.... So that played a huge part.... Not saying it was all my dads fault or my moms....they both were at fault..and just drifted apart. It happens...and as I got older.I learned to forgive my dad for what he did... and I must say he was ALWAYS there for me. I realized as I got older that people make mistakes....that can cost them alot. But hey sh*t happens...and you just deal with it.
Even though walking away from the relationship will NOT be easy.....and might have alot of drawbacks....the main thing is that you are both there for your child...
You only go around once in life....so make the best of it....
I realize you are trying to make things work....which I do encourage if there is a possibility for that to happen...but if there isn't.....then don't. My parents tried for years. I didn't realize it back then...until I got to be much older.... But honestly it was better with them not being together...and I feel I still had a good childhood because BOTH of my parents were there for me.. That was the main thing.
That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that Ellynn. How old were your parents when they had you? I'd find it really tough dealing with my parents individually if that would ever happen to me...Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellynn
I can understand their situation however, seeing how they were both in the wrong. In this particular situation with lovestruck though, I can't help but feel sorry for the guy. She lost interest in him and she cheated on him and will probably do it again. He works to provide for his family oblivious to the fact that he is being used in this way. Very, very tragic....
Lovestruck, have you thought about the possibillity that if you treat him this way and then leave him, he might actually keep custody of the baby?
My mom was 34...and my dad was 33....
Urghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow....this thread is still going?
Maybe its time to buy the rights...