Fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly, now he dumped me

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's kinda harsh, CB. She is still learning and trying to grow up. I think she shouldn't be doing at his expense anymore, that's all.

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Harsh yes, but sometimes the fastest path to correction is the most painful one.

I have ZERO respect for people who do this and on top of that she would rather beat around the bush and make excuses than step up to the plate. I just don't buy into her trying to change or grow up, she wants it her way and wants this fantasy world to grow from her stupid mistake. She needs to wake the hell up and fix her shit rather than run from her fears.

I dated someone like this girl, I am bound to have a bias, but its not something I will apologize for.

I'm not a spiteful person, I just can't stand watching people tear others down, one emotional tie at a time.

That said, know that you have my utmost respect Indi.

Lets be honest, if you feel in love with another man, than you don't want to get back with him and he is going to leave you for good. It's hurts to hear that. If you wan't to try and get back with him though, I would take a look at this:

On the second thought, I realized I should not post a spam link to a questionable site so the mods don't get mad

It has some good advice on getting back together and making up.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's kinda harsh, CB. She is still learning and trying to grow up. I think she shouldn't be doing at his expense anymore, that's all.

I predict they will torture each other for a while longer, learn that lesson too, and then one of them will end it. Probably him. It will be good for her to learn what being dumped is, teach her empathy.

Next.

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Haha, yeah I agree that is a bit harsh, but it happened to me and I honestly wanted her dead. So, I'm just saying as harsh as it sounds, that is basically the worst possible you could do. I would classify that as cheating. Learning or not, it's common sense not to do that. Should have thought things through a little more instead of doing that.

Our relationship is actually going very, very well. We are not at all torturing each other. He has sorted things out with himself and knows who I am. We have talked about everything what went wrong and we can now even laugh with things that happened. Why? Because he now knows for sure I really love him. He feels safe with me. He also knows I have learned a lot and that I will not do something like this again. He has now seen how much I love him. Offcourse, after that incident, he did not take our relationship serious, and offcourse he thought that I would cry a little bit in the beginning, but that after a while, I would just go on with my life. He saw that, instead, I kept thinking about my mistakes, thinking how I could have broken such a wonderful thing and I also told him several times that I never want to go through something like this ever again, not with him, not with anyone else. I haven't been begging to get back together, as I left the choice to him and just showed him I still love him. I think that is what brought him back to me.

[That's kinda harsh, CB. She is still learning and trying to grow up. I think she shouldn't be doing at his expense anymore, that's all.]

I think that is true, Indireloaded. I should not have done it at his expense. I feel bad about it every day. I am now paying more attention to everything, to what I say, to how I behave when we are in group, when we are alone. I still have a lot to learn, but now I am standing still once in a while, asking if everything is allright, if there are things that make him unhappy. I am asking other people for advice all the time, asking them how they take care of your relationship. He has told me everything he felt, ever. I told him everything to. Some things we do not understand, but we are just trying to accept that it is in the past. I have been fixing all his bad feelings and what I caused and he is now even more confident than before. He even says we have a greater chance of being together for the rest of our lives now than we did before. He trusts me more than he did before. Those three months apart from each other have done us very well. It has given me a smash in the face, which I needed.

Maybe a great relationship with sincere people can survive something like this. It is really going the right way.

Wow, after reading all this, I am overwhelmed.

Not trying to hijack this thread, and if the mods want to move it to a new one, please do.

I have appreciated some of the comments by the other members here, and maybe someone will have one for me. Here is my situation.

As I posted in another thread, my wife and I are going through a bad patch right now. We have been married for almost 10 years, and we dated for 5 years previous. In the past three years, I cannot say I was the best person to be around. I was indifferent, dismissive, angry, etc. I was probably depressed, and didn't even know it. Possibly of the stress of being a new dad and making sure I could provide for my daughter. They are not excuses, just the facts. My business and my life around me other parts. I can say that my wife's behavior was a big part of the situation. Up until say 18 months ago, our intimacy wasn't that great. For almost six years, intimacy for us was very muted. About a year before my daughter was born, it had improved a little, then after she was born, a little off (of course we just had a child) then a year after that, started up again. She had taken medication for depression she was diagnosed with, did some other things, and for a long time, the sex has been good. However, my demenor was still bad.

Up until 40 days ago approximately, I had no trust issues at all with my wife. Why would I? She never did anything to change that. About 37 days ago, our marriage came to the brink of ending. After a full day at an amusement park, my daughter having a bad day, we had "the blow out." My wife wanted me out. And for good reason. Look at the asshole of a man, husband, and person I was! I was weak. At that point, I knew I had to do something about myself, and since then, I am on that road. That person I knew before, is dead. And I didn't just do it for my wife, I did it for me. Me first, because that's how it has to be.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end here. With the moments comes confessions. Now that my wife and I were on a new path to hopefully a positive second chance at a good relationship, comes confession.

I will say this again, and I have talked to other guy friends of mine in serious relationships or marriages, Facebook is a RELATIONSHIP KILLER! This is my opinion, but it is based on my own personal experiences. While I don't blame Facebook, MySpace, whatever, if people in relationships don't have boundaries between themselves and temptation set up in their own mind as to what is and is noty acceptable, they will cave to it, PERIOD. In all the years of our muted imtimacy, I never cheated on my wife or even tried to. However lonely I felt, she was my wife, and there were underlying reasons for how she was, but I should have been stronger in seeing things change. The first thing I found out (these are things my wife confessed to me) that she had two Facebook accounts. One for regular "whatever," and one where she knew no one personally, for whatever fantasies she wanted to act out. (sex chat, etc.) She described it as "the devil in her overwhemling the angel in her." She even had a picture of a devil with his hands around an angel trying to take off her panties as her profile picture. The account was closed because she was adding too many friends. One of her friends was Chris Pontius of Jackass. When he asked her one day "why are you here and what do you want out of this?" He said "well you're the most popular Angel on Facebook." She said she almost puked. She knew she was in a dark place.

Then, the second bombshell, was found out by accident. And it is something I am still working on in myself. I logged into what I thought was my email, only to find out it was hers. (she was logged in and I went to Hotmail and it automatically opened up her screen) I found out that she joined a group on facebook that trades suggestive photos to each other. This was LITERALLY 30 minutes after our first joint marriage counselling session. (yes were seeing a marriage councellor together and separately) If there was ever a moment in time that I didn't trust her at all, this was it! Holy Shart is all I can say. But again, I felt responsible for "my" actions for pushing her away and into this place, but that's all I feel responsible for. And this is what I am dealing with right now; the DUALITY of the situation. I was the way I was and drove her away. She was unable or un-equipped to communicate here feelings to me.

Then, the third bombshell, and the one that relates to this thread. She said that three months ago, she had an infatuation with someone online. (one of the things people who have lost their trust in someone do is ask A LOT of questions, and this was one of my questions) She said she did, and I asked "did you feel love?" And she said "yes." So now I am dealing with a triple strike. One on my trust for her, one on my love for her, and one on myself for being who I am, and who I DON'T want to be. In all my life, I have never felt so rotten. Want to lose 30 pounds in 30 days? GO THROUGH THIS! And I still have a business to run and a child to care for.

So it's today, about 40 days since this all went down, A PITTENCE in time really. These 40 days seem like 40 years though. I have been to my councillor a few times, had a few meetings with my wife, and the process is ongoing. My wife and I have talked SO MUCH in the past 40 days, probably more than in the past 4 years. I have read some good books (one which all men NEED TO READ RIGHT NOW is Bring Strong Man A Woman Wants by Elliot Katz, a fellow Canadian) and I have changed a lot of other things "for me," especially my health. (you'd be surprized how better you feel cutting out coffee, cola, and getting 8 hours of sleep instead of four all the time) I have also re-connected with some old friends, and amazingly one of them has gone through almost something similar. I have realized a lot of things I need to work on, but to be honest, my trust for my wife is extremely low, and while she has worked on things as well, and we want this to work out, I feel all the suffering is on my end. And for her, I have a lot of questions.

Here is a summary of the situation and where I stand:

• I love my wife. I know it sounds impossibly true, but I do.
• Up until yesterday, I had fear of losing her, and what it would be like not to have her anymore, or my daughter around full time. I have gotten over that fear now. (again, it's good to have friends that have been in the same situation) My wife knows now if she does any of these things again, she's gone. You don't know how empowering it is to set the record straight and evicerate fear.
• If it doesn't work out, I will move on. I have to be strong for myself, so if it does happen, I can be strong for the next woman.
• My trust in her is low, but I am working on that myself.

I am sure I will have more to say about this.

Seradin DaCuir

I suggest you create your own thread. Otherwise 2 different issues will be mixed up in one thread.