you think my boyfriend is controlling?

See, putting your foot down works. He's not going to leave you because you don't bend to his will. In fact, he'll respect you more for having your own mind and making your own decisions.

You don't have to tell him that you're not going along with his plans because he always gets his way. Just simply say, "I am staying at home tonight. You're more than welcome to come over, but I am not in the mood to go out tonight." Be pleasant, not mean or spiteful. If you dramatize the situation, he'll feed into it. He is more emotionally immature and needs to learn how to accommodate others effectively.

His behavior is that of a child's. "I don't wanna go out. Just come here." I can just see him stomping his feet like a 5-year old. Don't buy into that. If he starts behaving that way, ignore him and treat it like it's his loss. They get over it real fast when you don't put up with their BS because they start to look foolish when they realize you won't indulge them.

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

See, putting your foot down works. He's not going to leave you because you don't bend to his will. In fact, he'll respect you more for having your own mind and making your own decisions.

You don't have to tell him that you're not going along with his plans because he always gets his way. Just simply say, "I am staying at home tonight. You're more than welcome to come over, but I am not in the mood to go out tonight." Be pleasant, not mean or spiteful. If you dramatize the situation, he'll feed into it. He is more emotionally immature and needs to learn how to accommodate others effectively.

His behavior is that of a child's. "I don't wanna go out. Just come here." I can just see him stomping his feet like a 5-year old. Don't buy into that. If he starts behaving that way, ignore him and treat it like it's his loss. They get over it real fast when you don't put up with their BS because they start to look foolish when they realize you won't indulge them.

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HAHAHAHAH thankkkk you!!! thats exactly how he is...He's the type of person that says "thanks for inviting me" or "cool...your ditching me..." trys to make you feel bad. and at first I didnt know what he was doing..and then figured out how to respond to that behavior and sometimes i say "sorry thats how you feel.." hes tried to have more effective communication with me since ive done that such as "I feel like you dont have many feelings for me when you dont give me a lot of affection"

Thats why earlier when people were attacking me for not wanting to buy him pants was because thats exactly his attitude....I told him "no" and walked away and looked at clothes because I knew he was trying to get me to give in and buy him expensive pants. and the same with the beer...

You have to be consistent though. Teaching and training, whether it be a child, a dog, whatever, requires patience, calm, and consistency. You have to set the example here.

what would be an example of that?

Let's say you've had a good streak of teaching him that "No" means "No". Suddenly, there is a day that you give into his childish demands, it'll restart all or most of the progress you've made. I must say that it is one thing if he politely discusses his point, but it is quite another if he gets pouty and uses guilt tactics to sucker you into doing things his way. If he does perform the latter, he needs a serious attitude adjustment. Personally, I'm done training boys to become men. My guy's not perfect, but he's a much more self-aware, empathetic guy than any of my exes.

What lahnnabell says is true, if he acts like a prince, you do have to teach him that the world is much bigger than his head, and it doesn't revolve around him. But, here are some things I've learned in my past relationships. And I hope that it will help you out in deciding if you should keep breathing down his neck or should you let him go.

1. There is a limit, you should never teach him too much. Teaching him too much means that you never really liked him in the first place for who he is. Instead, you see him as a canvas where you'll have to mold him to someone you'll like better. Just like what my shallow female friends/acquaintances would tell me: "You can't change his face, but you can change his character" (One of them ended up getting knocked up by the pretty face, got pregnant, and after that decided that character was better. what a moron!). Teach him a little, then see if he gets to pick up from there. If you need to teach him every single thing, he lacks a good portion of grey matter.

2. There is a limit for repeat teachings. If you have to keep on repeating what you have taught him, that means he's not learning.

3. After a while, take him out of his cage and let him roam free. Should his head start to bloat again, I believe you need to move on to another guy. Again, don't teach him too much because by the time you break up with him, he would've learned a lot from you, uses it on his new girl, and you'll feel bitter because someone else has benefited from your hard work.

4. Generally, and I mean not everyone everytime, got characters like sand castles. eventually most, if not all, goes back to nothing. save his original character. Especially if you stick with him, he already knows what you tolerate, so he'll always try to push the boundaries.

5. Sooner or later, you'll get carried away from you new found authority and the boundaries starts to blur and you end up dominating him. He's a mama's boy. He's your boyfriend, not your son.


6. Try to list down his characters and habits, both good and bad. Check the bad ones that are not entirely acceptable and the one that are teachable. if there are too few things of his bad stuff that you find acceptable (without having to correct) especially if you listed more bad than good. Then I believe its time to move on.

I might have left out a few things, but this is generally what I live by. I don't stick around with people that I have to train like a dog. Just figure out the rest

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

3. After a while, take him out of his cage and let him roam free. Should his head start to bloat again, I believe you need to move on to another guy. Again, don't teach him too much because by the time you break up with him, he would've learned a lot from you, uses it on his new girl, and you'll feel bitter because someone else has benefited from your hard work.

4. Generally, and I mean not everyone everytime, got characters like sand castles. eventually most, if not all, goes back to nothing. save his original character. Especially if you stick with him, he already knows what you tolerate, so he'll always try to push the boundaries.

5. Sooner or later, you'll get carried away from you new found authority and the boundaries starts to blur and you end up dominating him. He's a mama's boy. He's your boyfriend, not your son.

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some of the things that ive tried to train him at..

1) When we first started to date..it would be every week he would not call me one night he told me he would. and I wouldnt call him or nothing...and then the next day when he called I wouldnt pick up. then i would call him 2 hrs or more later and act all normal... now he only does it once every few months.

2) I would always wait for him to make initial contact, so when he would text..I would text back and then he wouldnt text me back for like 30, 1hr, 2 hrs...etc. so i started doing what he was doing and would wait just as long...now...we text all day long most days..and he doesnt take forever to text me back inbetween each text that we have..

3) One time...he said he would call me one day, and I was waiting around for him to call and didnt get a call from him until 1230 at night...didnt pick up the phone..then he called again, I didnt answer. then i waited the next day for him to call me again...he's never not called me past 8pm since. and even now if he doesnt call until 8. I make sure that ive made plans so that he doesnt think its ok for him to call that late..

4) When he tries to blame me...when I am able to catch it...I just tell him sorry, or sorry thats how u feel..yada yada...he still tries to do it. so that might be something ill just have to deal with..

5) Hes very passive aggressive, which I havent been able to figure out how to fix..If hes mad at me sometimes I wont know and he will distance himself (but in my head I can take a guess as to what he would be mad about..) This is the biggest problem we have in our relationship, bc we dont communicate well at all and it gets us no where. I get upset that hes distancing himself, because I only may have an idea of why hes doing it, but I dont actually know why for sure..so it makes me feel like he doesnt like me.

6) Sometimes he can be pretty disrespectful. its not only towards me tho. I've told him plenty of times not to talk to me the way that he does..It hasnt really worked that much. His friend has told me that when he acts like a douche I should back up and make him work for it..I just dont really have good enough control to do that.

7) I have trouble with trying to be considerate and compromise better. the way I try and fix it is if he tells me he wants to play something by ear..then Ill make other plans, or if I tell him I can only do something during a certain time and he doesnt want to bend to it and then says he will call me later or something, i make other plans..I only do this tho when I feel ive compromise a lot for him and feel he needs to do the same....this one is hard to explain..I dunno if I am making sense or not.

Those are just some of things ive tried to fix. Obviously there is more. but also there are a lot of good things about him too..

Can you explain 3,4 &5 for me in more detail so I can understand them better..

Your 1,2, and 3 are more or less the same. Time management issues. For me, its a minor issue which should be fixed and taught.

#4 --> is this your fault that he blames on you? (Because why would you apologize if its his fault?) IF it is, then you got the explanation to my #5

#5 > I sometimes do this in a positive manner. I quiet down so that I don't disrespect my woman. When my self-awareness tells me I'm getting emotional, I quiet down for a while so that I get to talk to her rather than get to a heated argument. I'll say he's playing mind games. If you did found a way to fix it, it'll be a temporary fix, not a permanent one.

#6 > You might find this very hard to believe but I would actually tell you not to teach him how to respect you. If he loves you, he will automatically respect you. Respect is not being taught, its being earned. FEAR... now THAT, is being taught.

#7 >Yes, for some strange twist of fate, I do :) Translation: I'll rather jack off, then wait if any of my friends wants to hang out with me. If I'm tired of jacking off and none of my friends wish to see what came out, then I'll call up my last resort girlfriend. You sure you want this guy?

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Those are just some of things I've tried to fix. Obviously there is more. but also there are a lot of good things about him too.

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Obviously, you've got a higher pain tolerance than I do. And I salute you for that. I don't think there are enough good things about him to compensate for such poor treatment. If I were in you're shoes, I'd rip out his spine and reattach it back by stuffing it up his tailpipe!

My posts:
#3 > After a while, you should stop teaching him stuff and see if he can implement those and not forget EVER! (Much better if a little tutelage goes a long way)
#4 > If he goes back to his old ways; which I'm anticipating he would; You should let him go. especially things that really matter in a relationship. It shows he doesn't love you enough to make an effort at all.
#5 > If you teach him too much stuff and he does it out of fear of retaliation, You might end up going crazy with you new found capabilities and start demanding things from him, causing him to resent you in the long run. In his "history of love" you'll end up as "Oh, that psycho ex-gf bitch of mine?, she bosses me around too much "

When you do these things, make sure you tell him why. TELL him. not scold him or make him feel bad okay? He's an idiot, not telling him would make you look like you're being childish in his eyes. He'd just feel you're retaliating. This, after all is love, not war.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

#4 --> is this your fault that he blames on you? (Because why would you apologize if its his fault?) IF it is, then you got the explanation to my #5

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and example would be that one time him and I were talking about my roommate julia and how she NEVER answers her phone..and he said "yah, ur becoming like that..you never answer your phone" which translates to: it bother me that you dont pick up your phone every time you call me, but I dont want to tell you that so I just blame you and I just said "yah, well sometimes its not on me.." its like he blames me for how hes feeling...

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#5 > I sometimes do this in a positive manner. I quiet down so that I don't disrespect my woman. When my self-awareness tells me I'm getting emotional, I quiet down for a while so that I get to talk to her rather than get to a heated argument. I'll say he's playing mind games. If you did found a way to fix it, it'll be a temporary fix, not a permanent one.

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It sorta is like mind games, but theres no reason for it. Ill admit that I used to passive aggressive sometimes, but that was bc I was afraid of speaking up. So I just acted upon how I felt and would distance myself if I didnt like how he was treating me rather then telling him. But now, ive been a lot better at it. If he does something I dont like..Ill call him out on it and then act upon my feelings. He's been a bit better at it. but he did admit to me once that he felt insecure about how he saw that one of my guy friends called and got upset about. obviously at the time that he saw it I had no idea that he was upset. so I asked him why he didnt just say anything then and he said that he didnt want to appear psycho and obsessive..and that he was trying to forget about it and stuff. so that shows that he hides his feelings..

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#7 >Yes, for some strange twist of fate, I do :) Translation: I'll rather jack off, then wait if any of my friends wants to hang out with me. If I'm tired of jacking off and none of my friends wish to see what came out, then I'll call up my last resort girlfriend. You sure you want this guy?

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I actually kinda figured out what it was...during school it was never like that, but im assuming that was bc everyone is so busy doing their own thing he was able to make me more of a priority, but his friends here at home dont have jobs really and are always available so they are calling him 24/7. I was actually with him tonight and 3 of his friends called within a 1 1.2 hr time period. so its like when he makes plans with his friends he always includes me them unless hes doing boy stuff that I wouldnt want to do anyways and he has the occasional guys night. which is fine. He'll normally be hanging out with a friend and then he will call me letting me know that him and so & so are doing X and if I want to come. but when all his friends are busy all day long are times when we spend like the whole day together. so I cant really tell if im a last resort or not. I mean tonight wasn't . he mentioned to me that we havent had much of him and I time...and i wanted to slap him upside the head and say "ohhh....reallllly?" but anyways so tonight he took me out to dinner and we spent the night together watching a movie. and his friends werent busy. So i guess I wasnt a last resort there.

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Obviously, you've got a higher pain tolerance than I do. And I salute you for that. I don't think there are enough good things about him to compensate for such poor treatment. If I were in you're shoes, I'd rip out his spine and reattach it back by stuffing it up his tailpipe!

My posts:
#3 > After a while, you should stop teaching him stuff and see if he can implement those and not forget EVER! (Much better if a little tutelage goes a long way)
#4 > If he goes back to his old ways; which I'm anticipating he would; You should let him go. especially things that really matter in a relationship. It shows he doesn't love you enough to make an effort at all.
#5 > If you teach him too much stuff and he does it out of fear of retaliation, You might end up going crazy with you new found capabilities and start demanding things from him, causing him to resent you in the long run. In his "history of love" you'll end up as "Oh, that psycho ex-gf bitch of mine?, she bosses me around too much "



When you do these things, make sure you tell him why. TELL him. not scold him or make him feel bad okay? He's an idiot, not telling him would make you look like you're being childish in his eyes. He'd just feel you're retaliating. This, after all is love, not war.

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with your #5..I never boss him around. Ive never complained to him about how he spends to much time with his friends, ive never complained that he doesnt call enough ( he calls enough, im just using it as an example) I only pull the rains on him when I feel like ive been too compromising to him and he needs to be more compromising with me.

How do you teach time management to a guy?


and today when he took me out and said that he was treating me, but I offered to buy my drink and he then said not to worry about it. then we went and got ice cream and I treated him to that. and he thanked me:) :)
so there is some improvement!!!

Also last night when we were laying in his bed before he went to sleep..he asked why I was so sexy and i was like "i know..im sooo pretty arent I?" and hes like "your not pretty..your beautiful" :) :) :) ive always known hes thought i was pretty but hes never said it like that to me before.

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and example would be that one time him and I were talking about my roommate julia and how she NEVER answers her phone..and he said "yah, ur becoming like that..you never answer your phone" which translates to: it bother me that you dont pick up your phone every time you call me, but I dont want to tell you that so I just blame you and I just said "yah, well sometimes its not on me.." its like he blames me for how hes feeling...

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Anyone would feel bad if their girlfriend won't bother answering the phone (Assuming you're really becoming like her.) especially if she's not busy. If he feels being because its your fault, then don't deflect it. accept it, apologize, learn. This is what you want from him. It would be fair to learn this yourself.

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It sorta is like mind games, but theres no reason for it. Ill admit that I used to passive aggressive sometimes, but that was bc I was afraid of speaking up. So I just acted upon how I felt and would distance myself if I didnt like how he was treating me rather then telling him. But now, ive been a lot better at it. If he does something I dont like..Ill call him out on it and then act upon my feelings. He's been a bit better at it. but he did admit to me once that he felt insecure about how he saw that one of my guy friends called and got upset about. obviously at the time that he saw it I had no idea that he was upset. so I asked him why he didnt just say anything then and he said that he didnt want to appear psycho and obsessive..and that he was trying to forget about it and stuff. so that shows that he hides his feelings..

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Why are you afraid of speaking up? will he bite you in the ass? Do you really think being passive aggressive solves your disputes? NEVER act upon your emotion. Your boyfriend is afraid of being branded a psycho obsessive you know why? because he knows he can't open his mouth while preventing his blood from boiling over. Hearts are only good for mushy stuff and make up sex, they suck at settling disputes. This is for the both of you. learn this well, and you'll have a large part of handling relationship figured out.

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I actually kinda figured out what it was...during school it was never like that, but im assuming that was bc everyone is so busy doing their own thing he was able to make me more of a priority, but his friends here at home dont have jobs really and are always available so they are calling him 24/7. I was actually with him tonight and 3 of his friends called within a 1 1.2 hr time period. so its like when he makes plans with his friends he always includes me them unless hes doing boy stuff that I wouldnt want to do anyways and he has the occasional guys night. which is fine. He'll normally be hanging out with a friend and then he will call me letting me know that him and so & so are doing X and if I want to come. but when all his friends are busy all day long are times when we spend like the whole day together. so I cant really tell if im a last resort or not. I mean tonight wasn't . he mentioned to me that we havent had much of him and I time...and i wanted to slap him upside the head and say "ohhh....reallllly?" but anyways so tonight he took me out to dinner and we spent the night together watching a movie. and his friends werent busy. So i guess I wasnt a last resort there.

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Everyone is busy in school so he's got nothing to do but hang out with you. Does that really sound high priority to you? At home he calls you up and says "Hey babe!, us guys want to do our stuff, you wanna tag along and be our audience?" If you see this as you being top priority, then its up to you. You said but when all his friends are busy all day long are times when we spend like the whole day together. so I cant really tell if im a last resort or not. If you considered the times when his friends are not busy, that's when you can tell if you're a last resort or not. Factor everything in. its just simple math. Being a last resort is actually up to you, how sensitive your tolerance level is.

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with your #5..I never boss him around. Ive never complained to him about how he spends to much time with his friends, ive never complained that he doesnt call enough ( he calls enough, im just using it as an example) I only pull the rains on him when I feel like ive been too compromising to him and he needs to be more compromising with me.

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I'm not saying you are. I'm saying sooner or later you'll be tempted to. Hard to resist the power of domination. Especially if he's such a good doggy. Be constant and talk. talk is important. Remember, in any relationship problem, there is a very fine line between teaching and retaliation, its easy to confuse one from the other. I'll give you a challenge, figure this one out. :) It's something like detecting which is the persistent guy from creepy guy or the stalker. they vary just a bit from each other.

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How do you teach time management to a guy?

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Case to case basis. No template answer for this. Just remember to be constant.

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and today when he took me out and said that he was treating me, but I offered to buy my drink and he then said not to worry about it. then we went and got ice cream and I treated him to that. and he thanked me so there is some improvement!!! Also last night when we were laying in his bed before he went to sleep..he asked why I was so sexy and i was like "i know..im sooo pretty arent I?" and hes like "your not pretty..your beautiful" ive always known hes thought i was pretty but hes never said it like that to me before.

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I'm not really used to asking my woman to pay for anything (although sometimes when she see's me drooling at a high tech gadget in a store window, she just goes right in and buys it for me. No occasion, and I never even asked for it), so I really can't comment on this. I'm not used to counting really, and so is she. So we're compatible that way. Well, to each his own I guess. I'm glad things are working out for you.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why are you afraid of speaking up? will he bite you in the ass? Do you really think being passive aggressive solves your disputes? NEVER act upon your emotion. Your boyfriend is afraid of being branded a psycho obsessive you know why? because he knows he can't open his mouth while preventing his blood from boiling over. Hearts are only good for mushy stuff and make up sex, they suck at settling disputes. This is for the both of you. learn this well, and you'll have a large part of handling relationship figured out.

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I am afraid of speaking up, because I get really flustered when I get certain reactions. and it makes me uncomfortable and then I sorta freeze or overreact with the situation because I cant think of what the right thing to do is in the situation. I cant think straight. So I avoid confrontation alot and then when someone else's voice is raised it makes me more flustered. and at the same time I sometimes think I paint the red flags, pink.

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Everyone is busy in school so he's got nothing to do but hang out with you. Does that really sound high priority to you? At home he calls you up and says "Hey babe!, us guys want to do our stuff, you wanna tag along and be our audience?" If you see this as you being top priority, then its up to you. You said but when all his friends are busy all day long are times when we spend like the whole day together. so I cant really tell if im a last resort or not. If you considered the times when his friends are not busy, that's when you can tell if you're a last resort or not. Factor everything in. its just simple math. Being a last resort is actually up to you, how sensitive your tolerance level is.

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When you were talking about the last resort thing that got me thinking....he lives with 4 other people. 2 of which at the time had gfs, which were actually my roommates. When my bf and I first started dating..it was pretty rocky. he chose to spend more time with his friends or by himself. we saw each other everyday, but it wasnt until 8 at night or whatever. silly me, being naive...still hung out with him when I should of just not tolerated that and made other plans..and sometimes I feel the reason its me always hanging out with him and his friends is because my friends never go out. only sometimes, but I have no choice but to hang out with him and his friends. I've become really close with his friends so I have a good time when we go out. And actually the past week and a half hes made me a top priority. I found out that I got an internship in boston and I am leaving in 2 weeks so I dunno if thats the only reason hes made me a priority. we've always done stuff together before we've gone out with his friends. and last night we were at this friends house to say good bye to his friend that was going back down to school, but he told me that he only wanted to be there for a little so he could hang out with me.

I dunno..hes pretty confusing..

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I'm not saying you are. I'm saying sooner or later you'll be tempted to. Hard to resist the power of domination. Especially if he's such a good doggy. Be constant and talk. talk is important. Remember, in any relationship problem, there is a very fine line between teaching and retaliation, its easy to confuse one from the other. I'll give you a challenge, figure this one out. :) It's something like detecting which is the persistent guy from creepy guy or the stalker. they vary just a bit from each other.

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I wanna know what u mean....I dont really get what ur trying to say here..

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I am afraid of speaking up, because I get really flustered when I get certain reactions. and it makes me uncomfortable and then I sorta freeze or overreact with the situation because I cant think of what the right thing to do is in the situation. I cant think straight. So I avoid confrontation alot and then when someone else's voice is raised it makes me more flustered. and at the same time I sometimes think I paint the red flags, pink.

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That is why I told you its a difficult thing to master. Separating the heart from the mind isn't a walk in the park. It takes time. But if you can do it, 90-95% of the time when conflicts arises, it gets settled out of communication without the voices rising and you getting flustered.

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I wanna know what u mean....I dont really get what ur trying to say here..

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Okay, here's a sample:

Lets say, you said 10 sentences, every time you said something wrong, he laughs at you. If you tell him its wrong to laugh at people 7-9 times out of the 10, you're teaching him. If he said 10 sentences, and you laughed at him and told him in one go that he's just as error prone as you, that's retaliation.

This is just a sample. a general template. Situations would vary and so you should adjust to it as necessary. Am I making sense now?

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That is why I told you its a difficult thing to master. Separating the heart from the mind isn't a walk in the park. It takes time. But if you can do it, 90-95% of the time when conflicts arises, it gets settled out of communication without the voices rising and you getting flustered.

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Your right its very hard....I feel like im the only girl tho that has trouble with this: being able to think with ur head and not your heart. Its gotten a lot better, i've always been good at standing my ground with him, but when it things like how he treats other people, or even sometimes how he treats me (like i said in the other posts which only happens like once every few months) I have a really difficult time at being like "Dont talk to me like..blah blah" unless its a server situation where its completely obvious that hes being a complete asshole and needs to go home, but subtle things are very hard for me to start conflict with...like right now, im still kinda pissey about this whole having those opinions about my friends and sister like i said in the last post. and I really wanna say something, but I dont know what to say, or I dunno if I am over reacting and just need to let it go. Or like when I get annoyed with his stupid spoiled ways, I dont really know what to say. and also I feel like half the time those things about him that I get annoyed with are just him and that he will change it for a while, but eventually go back to his old self well..just because its who he is...


Okay, here's a sample:

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Lets say, you said 10 sentences, every time you said something wrong, he laughs at you. If you tell him its wrong to laugh at people 7-9 times out of the 10, you're teaching him. If he said 10 sentences, and you laughed at him and told him in one go that he's just as error prone as you, that's retaliation.

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So what do you do instead of retaliation? I could ignore him, but sometimes I think retailation is the only way he learns...

btw I really appreciate your posts..they are very helpful to me..

You are not the only girl that has trouble with this. This is stereotypically a female issue that we've been dealing with forever. We get compared to a stereotypical male's much more level-headed approach to solving problems and dealing with arguments. This comparison only exacerbates the issues by making women look like crazy emotional fools that cry all the time. We hate that image of ourselves.

I have spent a long, long time developing mental and emotional strength. It's difficult. My father was emotional abusive (withheld emotions while he was angry, refused to apologize, would yell at me until I'd cry) and it took me a long time to realize that I was helping him by giving in. I was depressed a lot as a teenager because of my interactions with my father. Eventually, my mother divorced him because our family was coming apart due to his money-controlling and his crazy outbursts. Once he was gone, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I no longer had to be a slave to my fathers tyrannical ways and I got much more time to practice having a loving relationship with my mother. She is my world now.

There are some mental exercises I used to do to help me reason out my emotions. Ideally, you receive stimulus of some kind (your boyfriend says something hurtful) and you interpret it. This phrase will trigger a response in you based on your current mental and emotional state (maybe you're already stressed), your physical state (maybe you're tired), your history (how you've dealt with situations in the past), and more all come together in that moment. For women, how we're feeling about what was said will override everything else.

When this would happen, I began to learn to pay close attention to my body's response. When I get upset or nervous, I get knots in my stomach and my skin gets hot. When I learned to recognize these signals, I was able to remind myself that it was my body's response to stress and that I needed to stop and find a safe place (mentally, physically, whatever). I had a boyfriend that would push me to my limit and DEMAND that I sit and listen to him. Eventually, I began quietly and demurely telling him that NOW was not a good time, and I needed to calm down first. He would poke me and sometimes I would give in and argue. After practicing, I got a lot better at walking away and returning to the situation with a clear head. You are within your rights to do this and I highly recommend it. :)

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are not the only girl that has trouble with this. This is stereotypically a female issue that we've been dealing with forever. We get compared to a stereotypical male's much more level-headed approach to solving problems and dealing with arguments. This comparison only exacerbates the issues by making women look like crazy emotional fools that cry all the time. We hate that image of ourselves.

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I try and tell my bf that all the time..every time he has an opinion about a girl being pyscho, I just tell him that girls dont think they are being pyscho. Its just a natural way of dealing with things. for an example when a girl tells her boyfriend that she really wants to hang out with him and that it hurts when he just wants to hang with his friends. It comes off as her telling him what to do, but really what she is trying to say is that she is feeling neglected, not that shes actually trying to control her bf. I purposely try really hard to not say such things, because I know in the back of my mind that if he really wanted to hang out with me he would make plans. Its that simple. Im not saying he does that haha, but if he did thats what I would do. Or if he says he will call me one day and then doesnt..I dont react, bc A) hes either doing it on purpose for a reaction or B) isnt thinking about me and actually forgot. He would call if he remembered, so theres no point in trying to get him to remember, bc he'll fix it for the short run then go back to old ways.

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I have spent a long, long time developing mental and emotional strength. It's difficult. My father was emotional abusive (withheld emotions while he was angry, refused to apologize, would yell at me until I'd cry) and it took me a long time to realize that I was helping him by giving in. I was depressed a lot as a teenager because of my interactions with my father. Eventually, my mother divorced him because our family was coming apart due to his money-controlling and his crazy outbursts. Once he was gone, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I no longer had to be a slave to my fathers tyrannical ways and I got much more time to practice having a loving relationship with my mother. She is my world now.

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Im really sorry about that situation. I am sure because of that you are a very strong person and you know whats best for you and what you deserve and who deserves you!

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There are some mental exercises I used to do to help me reason out my emotions. Ideally, you receive stimulus of some kind (your boyfriend says something hurtful) and you interpret it. This phrase will trigger a response in you based on your current mental and emotional state (maybe you're already stressed), your physical state (maybe you're tired), your history (how you've dealt with situations in the past), and more all come together in that moment. For women, how we're feeling about what was said will override everything else.

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There was situation about 2 months ago where him and I got in this huge fight. We were both really hammered and we were hooking up and he gave me a hickey ( I HATE hickeys) and so I got pissed off. and then he got pissed off and I was trying to explain to him that its inapporiate for me to have a hickey on my neck for my job (at the time I was subsitute teaching and also, my dad works at the school too and that looks bad if I look like a slut at work) anyways, my bf was getting pissed and starting telling me that I dont have a real job, and blah blah. and then starting cracking disrespecting comments about my dad. I got really pissed and told him to go home. So the next day, I was freaking out that he wasnt going to try and call me to figure things out. so at work I was constantly worrying. then finally he texted me and told me to call him as soon as I could. So when I did, it was almost like i forgot about how he treated me the night before and was just happy that I was hearing his voice and that he chased me back after i told him to leave my house the night before. anways, he wanted to know what had happened and I tried to explain to him how it made me feel and stuff, and he just kinda shrugged it off and didnt want to talk about it. then fianlly he asked if I wanted to hang out with him later that night. of course I said yes which was really stupid of me. when I get caught up in the moment like that, like i said before I forget about the way he had treated me. and then its like once I get off the phone I realize that I am actually still pissed off at him and regret telling him that I want to hang out and then feel that its too late to call him back and say that I actually dont wanna hang out. to me that would seem like a wierd thing to do and would confuse the shit out of him and then he would ask me why I just didnt say anything when we were on the phone and I wouldnt want to get into a whole conversation of why I didnt say it to begin with.

Back on New Years we got in a horrible fight...I mean it was bad and it was in public which led to him being arrested. the next day he tried to apologize and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. at that point in time, I still was happy to just have a bf, so it was almost like I would take anything because I wanted to have a bf. so when I was on the phone with him my mom was feeding me lines to say to him over the phone which pretty much involved me saying that I couldnt believe that he disrespected me like that, and much more. but at the same time It was very hard for me to say those things. It was almost like the words in my head were trying to win over what I really had said to him. so it felt like a battle in my mind. Eventually I told him I didnt want to see him for a few days, and of course he tried to pull me back in. What I had said to him was "I just think we need a few days to chill out.." on that day it was a Friday. What he said to me back was "ok, ill see a next week" ( what he meant was, ill see ya Monday, bc technically that is "next" week) but that totally threw me off and I said "WHAT?" <--thats what I mean by him trying to pull me back in. the next few days my mom had to guide me in what my actions should be. She thought that I needed to back up a little and make him work, but I didnt know how so she had to guide me.
after that point tho our whole relationship changed and it actually became normal. He called all the time and made a lot of effort things got better and better...
So now sometimes he just throws little disrespecting comments every so often to see how it affects me. and its only when hes drunk.. never sober. I dont give in to and I dont show him that it bothers me. I just kinda feel like if I did say smething to him about those comments every time he did them I feel i wouldnt be accepting him for who he is. bc he does it to everyone, not just me. he cant control me. even if he tells me something like "dont tell ur mom about the things we talk about" and I say 'ok" im gonna tell her anyways. haha!

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When this would happen, I began to learn to pay close attention to my body's response. When I get upset or nervous, I get knots in my stomach and my skin gets hot. When I learned to recognize these signals, I was able to remind myself that it was my body's response to stress and that I needed to stop and find a safe place (mentally, physically, whatever). I had a boyfriend that would push me to my limit and DEMAND that I sit and listen to him. Eventually, I began quietly and demurely telling him that NOW was not a good time, and I needed to calm down first. He would poke me and sometimes I would give in and argue. After practicing, I got a lot better at walking away and returning to the situation with a clear head. You are within your rights to do this and I highly recommend it. :)

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For me last night with the situation that happened. I wrote another post about it. I really wanted to tell him not to talk to my friends like that. and he said sometihing really mean..we were in the car and we were waiting for my friend and as she was walking to the car he said a mean comment about her and started laughing. so I smacked his leg. One of my friends is Hindu, has no respect for her self. she calls herself samantha to everyone and thats not even her name. its obvious that she doesnt like herself. shes so easy to poke at so even my friends that are her friends poke at her and my bf. as she was walking to the car he said something like "here comes the indian girl" and I smacked his leg. anyways I relaly wanted to say something to him about it, but bc my friends were in the car with us I didnt wanna say anything. So I kinda kept quiet and let them argue. but I did that because I know thats how he shuts up. Eventually I just turned the music up bc I was getting annoyed at them arguing. and then they stopped and my bf calmed down. and I think he realized how he was acting because he started acting all nicey nice to me. not that he wasnt before, but ya know. he realized he was being a dick head and was trying to make up for it. and then when I was going towards his house, he was like :"why are u taking me home? dont u want to hang out for a little bit" I really just wanted to say "u were being an asshole therefore I dont want to hang out with u" but instead I told him that "my friends live right by me and its easier to take u home first" which is true. and then when I dropped him off he asked what our plans were for tomorrow..normally, when he just drops me off he says he will call me after work, but he wanted to make plans right then and there. I dunno if he was still trying to make up for what he said..anyways, I dunno if I should let it go. there are a lot of stupid things that happen like that and I never know when I should just let them go or when I need to be actually serious. I just kinda think that if I spoke up to him about every little thing that he does thats not nice or respectful id be killing who he actually is as a person. so like I said I never know when the right time to do it is..

I know my examples are long..its just hard to explain it.

so what did you do in ur situations...like what kind of things would he poke at ur for?

Wow, after reading all that, your boyfriend sounds like a complete asshole.

and its funny..all these situations are when hes drunk...

After the whole New yrs thing...his drinking has calmed down A LOT and hes grown up a lot since then. its just stupid and immature things...its not even like hes a bad person..he just makes dumb decisions and wasnt brought up correctly.

so i cant really tell if hes down to the core an asshole..or just needs to grow up...

Remember at the beginning of this thread, I was talking about money and stuff. Well a couple of nights ago him and I went out on the town with a group of friends. I brought 20$ with me incase there were going to be cover charges at the bar. Well half way thru the night I go through my little wristlet and I cant find my $20. I guess I had dropped it. So with my worried look on my face my bf asked what was wrong and I told him that I dropped my $20 and then he pulls out of is pocket $20 and says here, I found it on the floor. And I told him thanks and all that and then he goes "U should offer to buy me a drink because I found your money" I got really irritated and we starting arguing because after reading what you all said about me and money and offering to buy drinks and stuff...I told him that I dont want him asking me and that I want to offer it. and I told him that I thought it was rude that just because he found my money he automatically assumed and told me what I should do because he found it. Yes, I was going to offer him a drink, but he didnt even give me a second to even offer. anyways, we were arguing about it. and he was saying that he said that because he knew that I wasnt even going to offer. Which he was just assuming. and then after I told him I didnt want to talk about it anymore, I walked away and he went to the bar and came back and got me a drink and handed it to me and said "here i brought u a drink, because thats what good bf's do" and I told him that i didnt want it because he was upset and wanted to prove to me that its polite to buy your partner a drink.

Then when we were walking back to the car, he was all mad and was acting immature and trying to say things to me that were going to make me feel bad and I just ignored him and continued talking to my friend. Eventually he figured out that wasnt working and he tried to be all mushy with me once we were in the car and again in the morning. and then when we went to lunch the next day, I offered to buy him lunch and goes "why?" and I said "because, I want to" and then he says Thanks.

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After the whole New yrs thing...his drinking has calmed down A LOT and hes grown up a lot since then. its just stupid and immature things...its not even like hes a bad person..he just makes dumb decisions and wasnt brought up correctly.

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I dont give in to and I dont show him that it bothers me. I just kinda feel like if I did say smething to him about those comments every time he did them I feel i wouldnt be accepting him for who he is. bc he does it to everyone, not just me.

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he realized he was being a dick head and was trying to make up for it. and then when I was going towards his house, he was like :"why are u taking me home? dont u want to hang out for a little bit" I really just wanted to say "u were being an asshole therefore I dont want to hang out with u" but instead I told him that "my friends live right by me and its easier to take u home first" which is true.

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You know what I see as a common thing in these 3 things that I quoted from you? You kept on covering up for him. That is bad. You should see things as they are and make corrections as necessary. You're a teacher right? You don't exactly give your students a good grade if they tell you that an apple is the color of the rainbow because it sounds cute... do you? :) wrong is wrong. don't make any gray areas. the bigger the gray area, the more confusing it is for you to make a good judgment on his character.

You need an excuse like you need a third nut in your sack... does he need a third one? if not, then stop covering for him. :)

I really just wanted to say "u were being an asshole therefore I dont want to hang out with u" but instead I told him that "my friends live right by me and its easier to take u home first" which is true.

This is good and classy. A mature person won't chew out his/her partner in front of others. Yes, it might be true that your friend lives near your house, but it is just a technicality, and the truth is because he was being an asshole that you want to drop him off first... When you spend time together (preferable over a quiet coffee instead of beer in a bar) and, TALK. tell him the truth about your decisions.

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So with my worried look on my face my bf asked what was wrong and I told him that I dropped my $20 and then he pulls out of is pocket $20 and says here, I found it on the floor. And I told him thanks and all that and then he goes "U should offer to buy me a drink because I found your money"

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Out of my respect for you, since he is your boyfriend. I'll say this instead: If he loves you, he should be happy to have found your money, return it to you right there and then without expecting a reward.

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I had a boyfriend that would push me to my limit and DEMAND that I sit and listen to him.

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This quote from lahnnabell is actually very useful. I'll give you the male perspective on this one. use this against him. there are two sides to everything, and depending on the situation when he "just kinda shrugged it off and didnt want to talk about it." It might mean that, it doesn't really matter to him or it really bothered him and is trying to forget what he did. You need figure this out by yourself. Do this in a quiet area where both of you can talk, not shout at each other.

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bc A) hes either doing it on purpose for a reaction or B) isnt thinking about me and actually forgot. He would call if he remembered, so theres no point in trying to get him to remember, bc he'll fix it for the short run then go back to old ways.

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and also I feel like half the time those things about him that I get annoyed with are just him and that he will change it for a while, but eventually go back to his old self well..just because its who he is...

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You remember what I said about the part that I highlighted? I was right wasn't I? You even proved me right TWICE.

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So what do you do instead of retaliation? I could ignore him, but sometimes I think retailation is the only way he learns...

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Actually, this is missing something, its more like retaliation is the only he learns... when and how to retaliate back at me again. It becomes a vicious cycle. And you're right, Ignoring him equates to ignoring the problem. There is a fine line between teaching and retaliation. They are a similar in a lot of ways. I'd put it this way I guess: Teaching is just talking to him and be more consistent about it. Retaliation is doing exactly the same childish thing to him and then chew him out afterwards.

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btw I really appreciate your posts..they are very helpful to me..

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Should I start charging you now? Hahaha! :) just kidding. I'm just glad that you find my posts helpful. Atleast, what I'm doing is worthwhile :)

Wow. So after your last update I wonder why you haven't dumped him yet. He doesn't sound like the classiest guy out there. It reflects badly on you as well to stay with him. If you don't want to smell like shit, stop polishing turds.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You know what I see as a common thing in these 3 things that I quoted from you? You kept on covering up for him. That is bad. You should see things as they are and make corrections as necessary. You're a teacher right? You don't exactly give your students a good grade if they tell you that an apple is the color of the rainbow because it sounds cute... do you? :) wrong is wrong. don't make any gray areas. the bigger the gray area, the more confusing it is for you to make a good judgment on his character.

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What do you mean by see things and make corrections as necessary? give me an example.

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This is good and classy. A mature person won't chew out his/her partner in front of others. Yes, it might be true that your friend lives near your house, but it is just a technicality, and the truth is because he was being an asshole that you want to drop him off first... When you spend time together (preferable over a quiet coffee instead of beer in a bar) and, TALK. tell him the truth about your decisions.

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after he realized that I was taking him home..he goes "oh were not hanging out?" and I said "oh..I mean..my friends live right by me I didnt know u wanted to hang out, so its easier to take u home first..if u told me earlier u wanted to hang out I would of gone home" and he goes "its ok, just take me home" so then once we got his house..he was eagered to make plans with me, which was odd, because normally when we get out of the car at night time he just tells me he will call tomorrow.

If a situation like that happens again where I dont want to make a scene..how do I talk about it with him later? cuz to me it seems awkward to do that because the situations over and its a new day.

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Out of my respect for you, since he is your boyfriend. I'll say this instead: If he loves you, he should be happy to have found your money, return it to you right there and then without expecting a reward.

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When this happened...I insisted that I would only talk about it outside bc we were arguing in a bar and it was relaly hard to hear and think, and he would be like "well i can hear fine..blah blah" and I kept trying to tell him that I understood why he was upset, but that I want to offer buying him stuff, not be told to and he was like "ya, well u never offer to buy me anything.." but it was funny, because after reading what everyone was saying about me buying stuff for him, I started to give some more, and I would offer to buy my drinks when we would go out to dinner, and I bought him ice cream. and for the most part when we are at a bar and were buy drinks together it'll always be "here, ill by this round, u buy the next" So I didnt really understand how he could expect me to buy him a drink when its aways been the way I just described. and I also drink way less then he does. I normally only drink 2 at the most when im at a bar. and half the time he keeps buying himself beers.
So of course the next day I bought him lunch..I dunno if I should of done that tho.

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This quote from lahnnabell is actually very useful. I'll give you the male perspective on this one. use this against him. there are two sides to everything, and depending on the situation when he "just kinda shrugged it off and didnt want to talk about it." It might mean that, it doesn't really matter to him or it really bothered him and is trying to forget what he did. You need figure this out by yourself. Do this in a quiet area where both of you can talk, not shout at each other.

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I think a lot of times he wants to forget what he did...

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You remember what I said about the part that I highlighted? I was right wasn't I? You even proved me right TWICE.

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so how do u stop that?

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Actually, this is missing something, its more like retaliation is the only he learns... when and how to retaliate back at me again. It becomes a vicious cycle. And you're right, Ignoring him equates to ignoring the problem. There is a fine line between teaching and retaliation. They are a similar in a lot of ways. I'd put it this way I guess: Teaching is just talking to him and be more consistent about it. Retaliation is doing exactly the same childish thing to him and then chew him out afterwards.

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So what should I do differently? What I thought would work was making him walk in my shoes....cuz Ive always felt like trying to tell him what I dont like would only make the situation worse and he would actually do it more because he knows it bothers me. I read in a book once that sometimes mean actually do that. They want to see where your buttons are.

one time when he didnt call me when he told me he would I called him up and said "why didnt u call me silly?" and he said "oh i forgot' and I said "well I just want to let u know that its disrespectful and rude" and after that thngs were fine and then 2 months later it happened again, and I said the same sorta thing...but after telling someone twice, i feel like its worthless..wouldnt that just getting annoying to him if everytime he didnt call when he said he would I said those sort of things to him?

he's only not called me probably about 4 times..so its not like he does it all the time.

Oh what should I do in these sort of situations...

We get in a fight..and I eventually walk away from the fight. and then he tries to put you down because hes upset. sometimes he does that. I just ignore him, but is there something else I can do?

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Should I start charging you now? Hahaha! :) just kidding. I'm just glad that you find my posts helpful. Atleast, what I'm doing is worthwhile :)

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No dont charge me:D

I think you did a good thing by showing him you won't be bossed around by his little boy ego. Makes me think he conveniently snapped up your $20 to create such a situation. I mean, come on. You lose your $20 and he reaps the benefit of having found it for you. Instead of being a gentleman and returning money that was yours, he expects to buy you with it. F*ck that.

But the next day you kindly shoved his harsh words in his face. Before he could say anything else, you offered to buy him lunch, which says, "I care about you and I want to do nice things for you, but not when you act like a selfish brat about it."

This is from your other post. I'm posting it here since you wanted to know how to teach someone and wanting to know about being retaliatory. Besides, it does relate to this, and you have provided a good situation.

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when I asked if he texted her back he was like "no, im not texting that bitch back" eventually, my friends and I start telling him that even tho he has that opinion about her, which I agree with him that hes not allowed to say it out loud, only I am. And that since he is my bf, he can have those opinions, but keep them to himself.

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Do you think trash talking about your sister helps out in this situation? If you don't give your sister any respect in front of him, don't expect him to respect her either. You're basically asking someone else to show respect to someone you can't.

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but I dont talk about his family to him..his sisters are fat, I would never say out loud that they are fat, but I would call them bitches and I would say something to him about his mom, being a bitch like that

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sometimes I feel like I have to act like a mom to him, because some respectful things were not taught by his family and its like I gotta teach him. but im starting to not care...it takes too much energy to try and train someone

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You're right, it takes too much energy to try and train someone, this goes double hard when you have an attitude like this. You're being hypocritical. Hypocrites don't make for a good teacher. You don't want him to trash talk about your sis, yet you do the same to his? yes, You'll tell me that you did it because he did it to your sis first or he doesn't like 'em anyway or find any other excuse for you to trash talk about them. THAT, is retaliation. Is it really helping you out? Did you or him learn to be better people by your actions? Did it improve your relationship? Are you a better person than him for doing this? this is the kettle calling the pot black kind of thing. You're saying that you have to act like a mom to him because he wasn't taught respect. Why? Is this the way how your mom taught you how to respect others? you gotta teach him? how? by acting like him?

When you were a little girl, and you broke something of value which belonged to your parents. What did they do? kidnap your favorite doll and cut of its head? That would be a retaliatory action is it not? I believe instead of doing that, they talked to you about being careful, showed you how to fix it and how to take care of your own things right?

So, first step to teaching... be a model yourself. not be modeled after him. if he doesn't see you do it, chances are he's less likely to do it too.

Ok that makes a lot of sense..I didnt realize that what I was saying was giving him an ok to do that. What about opinions that he has about certain things that I haven't brought up. For an example. lets say that my mom is being really unreasonable with me about a certain situation, and I talk to him about it or whatever. I dont say that shes a bitch or anything. and he says "yah ur mom kinda a bitch" and then in another situation im just randomly tlaking about my mom he says "ur moms a bitch sometimes.." not saying thats hes ever done that, but its just a good example.

But what about teaching him behaviors? for instance..yesterday him and I were cooking pasta and he was dumping the water to drain the pasta and it spilled on him and he burned his arm. I asked him if he was ok and he said "do I look like im ok? what a stupid question to ask" and then he screamed for his dad and wanted his dad to help make the pain go away. it almost acted like he was dying and it was the end of the world. he was really dramatic about it. anyways, so I poured the sauce on pasta and he goes "what are u doing...? thats not how u do it" and his dad goes "some families do things differently" and then he got pissed off again and we had meat balls in the oven and he took them out and just sorta roughly took the pan and tossed them into the pasta. and I jumped back and go "chris......" and then his dad starts yelling at him for being sarcastic and disrespectful. and I just kinda ignore chris until he speaks to me first(thats when i know hes calmed down)

Even though he was being disrespectful at that point. I cant tell if I should take the way he was speaking to me or just understand that people arent perfect and sometimes take things out on others in different ways...

A lot of times what I do when Im being disrespected is I tend to walk away from the situation..go in another room or ignore him. or if were in a huge fight and hes not treating me right I now tell him that its time to go home if he wants to talk to me like that.

its really difficult.
what about teh whole calling thing..what should I do in that situation?

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What about opinions that he has about certain things that I haven't brought up.

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Stop worrying ahead of time. You wanna find out? try to simulate it with him. If you are good at this, you'll know him better, and you learn how to push his buttons as well (I read about your post about him trying to push your buttons. You start from here hehehe... ;) )

Regarding the pasta incident, he let the pain in his arm go to his head. Such a situation requires an understanding from you when he went all ballistic on you and became sarcastic. Just breathe it out and be silent.You don't solve things by escalating it further. There might even come a time if he is in great pain and you'll try to help him and he might get physical with you. It's more of a threshold of pain issue. If he's got a low threshold, he'll likely be more touchy if he's in pain. The sauce and meatball part might have been an aftershock of what he just experienced and was just venting, if he was just being rude he would've reacted in a lighter manner especially when handling hot meatballs.

Just a small advice, when his family is chewing him out in front of you, don't look at him in any way, and never get involved. Just act like you didn't see or hear anything. And don't try to discuss it with him either. let it go. if he wants to talk about it, he will. This is just an advance warning, I'm not saying that you're currently doing it. If you're already following this, good for you.

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what about the whole calling thing..what should I do in that situation?

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what about it again? sorry, I got lost somewhere. Did you mean phone calls or name calling?

yeah, my opinion on all of this is that he's not worth all this energy. he sounds like a loser...i'd dump him.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Stop worrying ahead of time. You wanna find out? try to simulate it with him. If you are good at this, you'll know him better, and you learn how to push his buttons as well (I read about your post about him trying to push your buttons. You start from here hehehe... ;) )

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Haha what? what do u mean stimulate? I know where some of them are...like if I talk to a guy in a bar, and things, but I dont like to too often cuz its mean.

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Regarding the pasta incident, he let the pain in his arm go to his head. Such a situation requires an understanding from you when he went all ballistic on you and became sarcastic. Just breathe it out and be silent.You don't solve things by escalating it further. There might even come a time if he is in great pain and you'll try to help him and he might get physical with you. It's more of a threshold of pain issue. If he's got a low threshold, he'll likely be more touchy if he's in pain. The sauce and meatball part might have been an aftershock of what he just experienced and was just venting, if he was just being rude he would've reacted in a lighter manner especially when handling hot meatballs.


Just a small advice, when his family is chewing him out in front of you, don't look at him in any way, and never get involved. Just act like you didn't see or hear anything. And don't try to discuss it with him either. let it go. if he wants to talk about it, he will. This is just an advance warning, I'm not saying that you're currently doing it. If you're already following this, good for you.

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yeah, I just kinda ignored him..and let his dad take over, and just got my food and sat down and started eating. once he cooled down he started talking to me and then eventually he told me why he was so afraid of being burned.

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what about it again? sorry, I got lost somewhere. Did you mean phone calls or name calling?

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I meant like when he says he will call and then doesnt. and u can tell me what to do when he name calls tooo :)

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Haha what? what do u mean stimulate? I know where some of them are...like if I talk to a guy in a bar, and things, but I dont like to too often cuz its mean.

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Simulate, not stimulate. You know, force things to happen on a hypothetical basis. Make up a story about something that involves your mom getting on your nerves. You'll find out what he thinks of your mom sooner. And stop talking to other guys in the bar. You already know what that "button" does. Its not helping out, and its childish.

You really can't force the phone calls issue with him. That is direct manipulation of how he feels about you. I suggest you let this go. This will be your gauge as to how much he really cares about you. You try to change this and you'll end up having an artificial emotion from him. What that means is that, he'll be calling you because you told him to, and not because that is how he really feels. Would you like that? As to name calling, that is plain disrespectful, and if you retaliate by calling him names as well, you've stooped down to his level. You'll be just as childish as him. Just stand your ground, tell him that its rude, and if he really can't respect you, well, the only advice that I can offer is you is to find someone else that will. Sorry, but I'm really not used to couples disrespecting each other. There is no love in there.

You remember my earlier posts right? The part that I told you that if there is too much to change about him, its not worth it?

Okay, its seems that lilcutie is all about the emotional drama now. Stop feeding the beast.

@ Lilcutie (your SN says it all): Shit or get off the pot, girl. Break up with him or shut up about it already.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay, its seems that lilcutie is all about the emotional drama now. Stop feeding the beast.

@ Lilcutie (your SN says it all): Shit or get off the pot, girl. Break up with him or shut up about it already.

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geeeez....I was only asking him questions because his advice is really really good and its really helpful for me. Dont read my thread if it bothers you.

as far as name calling...he doesnt really do it. I was only curious in case it did happen. and what you described that I should do if it happend, i would.

and your right..if theres too many things to fix, then its like id be changing my whole bf, so its not worth it, thats why certain things that annoy me, I just accept because no one is perfect and its who he is.

Would you really live in a very dilapidated house situated in the middle of the CBD? I don't know where you are so I can't relate a good place. Yes, when you come out of the house, the mall is right across the street, the bar, is just beside it, your work area is just a few blocks away, basically everything is accessible. But the place you live in is barely livable. roof leaks big time, holes in the wall the size of fists, you've got cracked windows, water pipes are rusty and leaking. toilet clogs up every other time you use it. its full of dust and cobwebs. Yes, you could fix it, but every time the you fix a part, it won't last long, sometimes, if it lasts, a new crack or hole appears. On top of that, its always noisy outside. people walking by, vehicle noises, etc...

This scenario is how I see your boyfriend. He has his good things which you really appreciate. But are those enough to counterbalance the problems that you experience with him?

I see what you are saying about his good qualities and how they may not counterbalance the bad ones. . A lot of times when I described certain situations in this post was when he was blaming me for what he was feeling. He tends to do that A LOT. and at first I didnt realize ing is that, he's my first real relationship, so our relationship has progressed incredibly slowly due to me trying to figure everything out. He 2 hasnt been in realhe was doing it, but then I started to notice a pattern of him deliebertly saying certain things to make me feel bad. Its things like "oh you ditching me again.." "you never answer your phone..." like you can pick that out easily and realize that hes saying those things on purpose. It took me like at least 5 months of the relationship to see that. I learn a lot slower than most people, so it took me a lot longer then the average person to see that he did that. So now that I know he does it, I respond by saying "ok....." or "Im sorry thats how you feel.." Im acting as if I dont feel bad for how hes feeling, because of the way hes saying it to me. but now since him and I have really started finally talking about our feelings to each other, its been harder to pick out.


I'll give you a good example from last night. Here is the situation: He asked me to hang out yesterday. I was having a BBQ with some family and I told him that. So he said "well im going to top golf with some friends, do you want to come with or just hang out after" I said "lets just hang out after because I am with my family" so he said that he was gonna call me when he was on his way home. anyways, I was watching TV at home waiting for him to be done, and I get a text that says "hey were still at top golf..what are u doing?" heres the rest of the convo:

me: Watching the Bachalorette
bf: cooooool....haha
me: hah yah baby

^I would reply back, then wait 10 or so min for him to reply, then i would reply back immediately

bf: well, I think im just gonna go home after this..we still have one bucket left, plus ur having fun anyways.
I dont respond for like 5 min.( I was playing on FB)
bf: k, I guess ill call you tomorrow after work seems like you dont wanna chill
me: I thought u said that you were going to home anyways?
bf: its all good (he is only saying this because he is pretending that its fine that we dont hang out...clearly u can tell that he was upset..hes just trying to cover it up)
me: dont accuse me of not wanting to hang out when you said that you were just gonna go home in the first place!
bf: lol u didnt say anything in regards to us hangng out so i assumed u didnt want to hang out, u didnt even text me back, shut up.
me:yeah because earlier in the day I remember you saying that you would hang out after u were dont with Top Golf. so I was waiting until you were done and than I got a text from you saying that you were just gonna go home and that you have a bucket left. We can still chill, but I would think you would want to just go home now cuz you have work early.
bf: yeah..well you didnt even seem like you wanted to hang out, all you said was you were really into your stupid show.....ok....I guess ill do something else....
me:I was watching the bachelor until you were done...that doesnt mean I wasnt wanting to hang out... just ask next time...cuz now you decided to do something else bc u assumed that I didnt wanna hang out and then it got too late and u then decided to go home bc u thought I didnt wanna hang out.
bf: ok this is rediciculous...I said its all good from the get go and you blamed me for saying u didnt wanna hang out? its ok, but dnt act like you dont wanna chill or im gonna assume that you dont.
me: yah i blamed you bc in your text you said that it seemed like I didnt wanna chill. and when you asked what I was doing I said I was watching the bachelor and I thought u were going to call to hang out when you were done. But its fine, its just a mis communication.

then he didnt text back, and I texted him back saying good night. then he replyed, night babe.

someone once told me to not allow him to blame, because thats a manipulative way of trying to get reassurance...
I dont really know what I should of said instead so he couldnt manipulate me... by him manipulating the situation like that...is that damaging to the relationship?

Yes, it is damaging to the relationship. There are 2 things you have to remember. If it makes you feel bad AND you gain nothing from it. Then it is no good. in this situation, you're just bickering with him over stuff that are small and irrelevant. You seem to work hard on this relationship but I feel that he's really not into it. I don't see him pulling his own weight. In fact, I feel that he's even quite damaging to the relationship itself. Do you know why people in this forum expect you to dump him and move on? because they see that he is nothing more than a dead weight. At first, they saw you as a princess, THAT made you spend more for him, you didn't exactly get their point but you did try to make changes for the better and that counts as effort. But what about him?
Based on what you are posting, he seems to be doing just the bare minimum. He's basically just doing enough to be called a boyfriend. He's not even willing to take responsibility for his actions.

In a mature relationship, you don't exactly count the sweet lovey dovey stuff in, those things are just accessories that makes relationship fun, they're not there to make it work. If it were a dish, those are just the herbs and spices, Those things are not the meat and potatoes itself. What you're trying to do is dousing a lot of hot sauce onto a rock hoping that it would resemble more like food. In the end, its still not edible.

The only time it is good to feel bad if it is something constructive ( and I'm expecting you to ask me what this means again. See? I even know you better than your boyfriend). If you don't learn any lesson from it aside from retaliation and manipulation, then its not exactly healthy anymore.

I cant believe this thread is still going...

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Originally Posted by IncognitoSir [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I cant believe this thread is still going...

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We're going for a world record here

hahah yeah! What does it mean? the constructive thing...



lol! Like big things he apologizes for! If we get into a huge fight or something he will apologize the next day and things like that...just little stuff he doesn't apologize for. I should of just ended the convo at "its all good" but I was on a role with what my thoughts were....I get what you saying about not putting a lot in. I'm trying to think of a way to explain it....
He makes first contact everyday early in the morning...When we were at school we were always hanging out and sleeping with each other. It was sorta easier to hang out more at school because his roommates were dating mine at the time, so we were always together. At home none of his friends have gfs so I only hang out with him and his friends, unless I bring my girlfriends along. We hang out every day. sometimes we will go 1-2 days not hanging out, but thats ok bc you need to give each other space. The only time he TRIES to make me feel bad manipulatively is most of the time when we have been drinking and his emotions got the best of him and its mad at me about something. For instance, the whole money issue at the bar. After i decided that it was stupid that we were arguing in a bar about it, once we left he was deliberately trying to make me feel bad. He would say things like "you dont care about me..." "oh..what thats smell steph..smells like food..." ( I LOVE eating food when im drunk haha) anyways, I ignored him the whole time and kept walking and had a good time talking with his friends. once we got into the car, I had to sit on his lap and he was kissing my neck, and messaging my back and stuff. and in the morning he was really sweet. ..so it that what you mean by him trying to make me feel bad, but then I gain something from it?
The next day I bought him lunch and he asked why? and I said "bc I want to" im not sure that was the right move or not.

and actually a lot of times I think he is one that retaliates ( puts me in his shoes) when he thinks ive done something wrong...but I honestly, never know what I do so it often leaves me confused...

I never retaliate with my actions, its more so my words. If he says something thats sarcastic to me, then I'll be sarcastic back. I would never do this: Lets say he said he would call me and then never did? I would never be the one to get back at him and not call him the next day... the only thing I would do is..pretend I dont care, not do anything about it and the next day not pick up right away when he called, and then finally call back and already made plans...but thats not reaally retaliating. thats just giving him the message that if he chooses not call me that he shouldnt expect me to be available for him the next day.

I guess the good thing is that hes going back to school and that'll be a test to see if he really cares about me or not. bc we will have a long distance relationship for 3-4 months...


We've never really talked about things that ive done wrong. The only times hes told me to fix things was when he was feeling insecure about a situation and we had a nice, mature conversation about it. and he told me things that I did that made him feel insecure and ive changed them. and I told him during that conversation since hes telling me something to change, its only fair that he do the same if I have an issue with something. sometimes I feel like he doesnt change them. so at this point I agree with you...

He made you feel bad, he kisses you after and be all sweet. No, that is not a real gain, that is a very shallow gain. Maybe you missed the part where I said that lovey dovey is just an accessory. Yes, it made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. BUT, did it really fix the problem long term?

Coming from a more conservative background, here's an example: If you were my girlfriend and you wore a skimpy dress for a formal party, I'd tell you "That dress makes you look like a prostitute looking for a client, go change." That would sound mean and hurtful. But you gained something, you'd realized that there are things that are inappropriate to wear on a certain occasion and thus avoided making a fool out of yourself. Or, it might be that you're a very poor speller, I'd tell you outright that you've got serious spelling issues and would tell you to go read more books. For some people that is also hurtful. But if you heed my advice, you'll improve at spelling and would avoid making a fool of yourself. These examples affect you for the rest of your life, They hurt, but they make you a better person. Of course, if you're so full of yourself, you'll find it plainly offensive, dismiss the whole thing, blame me for making you feel bad, and continue doing what you're doing. That, of course, gets the relationship nowhere then right? Again, real gains make you a better person, they're not there to make you feel good.

Here's a practical example: You're a teacher right? Would your students gain knowledge if you keep giving them passing grades, knowing that what they put on the answer sheet is wrong? Yes, they'd feel good about passing, but are you really making them more knowledgeable in the long term?

Nerdy and lil53,, seating on a tree....

It wont let me send u a private message...I think people are becoming annoyed with this thread. lol!

What do you think about this situation.


It actually happened tonight!
were going to the beach for a couple of days before he goes back to school. and so then today when we were talking he was explaining that since were gonna spend a lot of time at the beach together he wanted to hang out with friends since he is going to school right after we get back. I thought that was completely reasonable...so we continued talking about it...and we were kinda making plans. He was asking if I wanted to go to this golfing range with his friend...and then he said that he really wasnt sure what he and his friend were doing, and that he was going to his friends house and would call me to let me know what was up. So, I got ready and everything and I didnt hear from him. so then I texted him and said "hey, so did you die taking a shower?...its 1030..im assuming that we were arent hanging out" and he texts back and says "yeah, I went to wills house and jack came by so ive been chilling for a while with them. is it cool if we hang out tomorrow" and I responded "I already made plans with people so im busy tomorrow night" and he texts back and says "so im not invited.?"

and then he ends up calling me and says that he is on his way to my house and that he wanted to talk....

so he came over and I kinda was laughing..i didnt see why it was such a big deal for him to come over. anyways eventually he said that he was sorry and that it was his fault for not calling....and then goes into this whole thing about how he got hung out with his friends (right there, I knew what he was saying was for attention..like thats such a stupid excuse) and I laid it out and said to him "with you going back to school..were gonna be in a long distance relationship..I dont need to deal with bull shit...im working now, starting a new part of my life, there are plenty of people out there that wont act immature about certain things..im not planning on breaking up with you, but its not worth it for me to be stressed out about someone not calling me" and then he kinda got a little shaken by what I said...and we talked a little bit more about it. and then eventually started talking about something else. and in the end I said I appreciated him for apologizing and whatever.

I dunno if thats really gonna fix things...what do u think about the situation?

I dunno what to do, because I feel like I didnt really get closure with the situation and saying sorry doesnt really make the situation better. I still dont want to hang out with him. I just dont know how to bring that up.

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Nerdy and lil53,, seating on a tree....

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We're about to kiss dude. don't ruin the moment.