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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I am just a person who acts like the grass is always greener. I'll just stick with this hot guy who is my equal in career, rather than a boring trapped life
Yep, stick with this hot guy who doesn't want to marry you. Awesome way to avoid a boring trapped life.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Well then there is no need to get married.....better to be kept in limbo to keep the home fires burning!
Dick Whipped
*laughed like hell over that one, Woody.. lolzzzQuote:
Originally Posted by woody [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
He always answers my calls and listens to me talk about my big job successes. He is not kicking me out even though it's "his" place, he could if he wanted. And he finally hugged me back when I hugged him last night. His grudge is melting and when we go to his buddy's wedding (he knows I'm coming), I'll look HOT and all will be well and exciting again
The way I'm getting control again is by acting like he has choices. I call to tell him about what I just did at work that was bada**, but I start the phone call with "Is now a good time for you to talk, or are you busy with your own work? Bc I certainly understand and if so, we can talk at a time later that works for you."
We have to stop feeding the troll, lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yeah, "Dick Whipped" felt appropriate. ..
good for a giggle or two..
time for Troll to start fasting.
Bit of a weirdo. Hey, she made her plate right? seems she did.
over and out.
I really think I like emotional distance. Example: he is swamped with work and has NO plans this weekend other than to sit in this apartment and do work. He doesn't want to talk and says sure, maybe we can do something for an hour on Sunday. He assured me that he isn't trying to avoid me, he doesn't want to sit here doing all this work, he just has no choice.
Instead of thinking "WTf, I should find another guy," I feel peaceful and relieved. I still have a BF who looks awesome on paper, is hot, and when we eventually do hang out, it'll be nice. But in the meantime, I'm not being SMOTHERED by some guy who needs too much attention, and when I feel like being alone, I can. And tonight I can go out to the bar with my girls and he won't breathe down my neck, he'll just sit at home and do his work like a good boy. He isn't hounding me for attention, or mad at me because I just chose to take on a project that'll keep me in the office ALL day tomorrow. I would hate a guy who got mad at me for my last-minute decision to choose work... I want the money and prestige involved with my job. I DON'T want to have to answer to my BF, or spend my weekend with screaming, rambunctious little kids, making dinner or doing household chores allll weekend instead when I'd rather be at work.
When I do need heavy emotional attention, I have a great family and plenty of girlfriends. But that's rare for me.
That's nice but...
Will you ever get engaged?
So HOW do I convinece him that I've truly learned my lesson, I'll shut up forever about marriage & bring him no more drama & he can have all his space and doesn't need to make any actual commitment to me? Because then he will love me!'n
Ya, do that and when he marries the woman that his parents have chosen for him in five or so years, come back here and there will be lots of people that will empathise you through your pain.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
How do I prove I will give him some space as he keeps saying he wants
He says he needs 2 weeks of space... As he frantically works on deadlines for work which I know he's gotten behind on. SO does that mean I basically ignore him for 2 weeks & then when I come back to him he will be happy to see me again? If he didn't still love me, he'd be kicking me out or not saying "2 weeks" of space but rather indefinitely
If he loved you he wouldn't need two weeks of space from you. But in answer to your question - ignore him for two weeks and when he comes back, he will continue as things are currently.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Your argument that he'd end things if he didn't love you is flawed: Many people don't break up with people they don't love. They are either too lazy to do so or simply enjoy the convenience.
I think if he moved in with me before he was ready, and feels he needs to back off and focus on work, then yes 2 weeks makes sense. He keeps saying "you said you were going to give me space & respect my need to work but you aren't!" So is it possible if I really do it this time, he'll miss me and want me back?
Is it possible that he'll miss you and want you back? Sure it's possible. It's also possible that he'll enjoy the time without you and want more time without you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You are keen for a guy who doesn't want to settle down and you've got one. Your current dilemma is simply the result of being with the kind of man you desire. Suck it up babe.
I'll show him that we can be under the same roof, but his work productivity won't suffer & he can still have space. Every day when he gets home I'll say "hi. I'm respecting your need for space and to get work done, but I just wanted to tell you I miss (whatever) and I love you"
bahaha - talk about needy! Are you deliberately trying to guilt trip him?Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Just move out for two weeks and don't contact him at all.
But he did not ask or imply that I should move out, for any length of time, even though Only his name is On lease so he could do whatever the hell he wants. He just keeps talking about "you said yoyd respect my space that I need to get work done while I'm at home, yet you just keep coming up to me again" which is why I think all he wants is for me to prove I'm capable of respecting space and boundaries
Well fine. Stay there. But don't put all this "I love you and miss you" shit on him.
Doesn't it make sense that if he wanted me gone he'd kick me out, stArt packing my stuff up, tell at least his close friends, not just say all he wants is for me to finally respect his space to get his projects done for a while?
I've seen plenty of guys living with girls they have no intention of marrying. I know one guy who did it for 10 years before they finally ended it and he married someone else.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Him wanting you out of his face for a bit only shows that he needs space from you. It's a negative sign, not a positive.
I'm sure he doesn't want you gone - but this doesn't mean that he wants to marry you in the long term.
He's been like this the whole relationship. He can go days with only a text or two from me, and he thinks that's fine. He is always 100% focused on his work, he says "this is what brought me to this country and it's [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] priority over you." But I get annoyed when he can't even drop work for 10 minutes to come lay in bed or cuddle me as I fall asleep. The question here is just how to get a super-independent man to love me again. I think respecting his wishes and ignoring him for the most part should do the trick?Quote:
Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
- - - Updated - - -
If he says, "You said you're going to respect my space & the fact that I need to get lots of work done, but you still aren't," and then when I ask "well when can we talk/hang out?!" and he says "in 2 weeks"... But he never asked me to move out and isn't un-inviting me to this wedding with his buddies next month... Does that mean if I just keep calm and stop bugging him with any drama, he'll eventually love me soon???
OMG! Don't be so needy. He isn't super-independent. He just isn't that into you/in love. Moving in with him before marriage was a wrong move. It is giving him too much of you too soon. He should have known that to get that close to you, he needs to marry you first. At this point, getting married doesn't provide him with any further benefits. He already have you living with him, having sex with him on a regular basis, and your commitment. He is only thinking about being tied down. You being passive/emotionally weak isn't helping you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Your needs and wants keep on getting pushed to the side in favour for his. It is getting to the point where you are losing dignity. If marriage is an important thing to you, you stick by that. Don't back down on it because it is just making you look weak.
I suggest you move out, tell him that you want to go out there to search for what you want (a man who is ready for commitment) and wish him the best. That's it. Don't be afraid. You can live without him. There are better men out there.
So many men nowadays don't behave properly because so many women allow men to act like that. Men have to learn that in order for them to get women, they have to work for it and be a better man.
Fearoflove is right - he's not into you anymore. He probably doesn't end things because there's a certain level of comfort and convenience having you around.
And you can't make him love you again. That ship has sailed. Giving him the space he needs won't make him love you, it will just make him happy to not have to deal with you for a bit.
I agree that you need to break up and move out. He won't be upset if you go.
It's not new that he wants us to live separately; he's wanted that all along & only ever asked me to move in because I was pushing him about commitment. He's always said the right foundation for a Christian marriage, as he's seen from all his buddies, is to not live together. Even when engaged. And he says while he's still in training he needs to have time alone to focus on work, and when I'm living with him I'm constantly barging in office and distracting him (ie no boundaries between "dating" time and "work").
I asked " is this a way to just break up with me?" He says "no. If I wanted to break up I'd say that!" And his relationship status is still "in a relationship" on Facebook, I'm going to his buddy's wedding w him etc. he's not a guy who ever wanted to live w a girl befor marriage, let alone rush into anything after 1 year, so maybe this is fine.
Wow. And you told me that he doesn't want you to move out.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Him wanting to live separately and him being very open about it is EXACTLY THE SAME thing as wanting you to move out. Short of throwing your stuff out the window and changing the locks, I don't think he could be any clearer.
I just don't think it means death for the relationshop. It's not like his feelings have changed, he never wanted to move in together. This way he doesn't keep resenting me for pushing him into something & he gets his own space to focus on work & we don't keep killing a relationship the way living together often does. He doesn't even think of it as the right foundation for mariage (based on our religion etc)
Good that you are positive Rose. Who knows if you stick around for long enough something might come out of it.
Yea... an old lady whose unmarried and without children most likely. Or a married woman who is more lonely with this man then without him for certain.
I think someone can be ready for kids when done with training in 5 years but not right now, and he never wanted to move in after a year in first place because he wasn't really ready, it's against our religion, he believes it has nothing to do with commitment etc
I don't know if your dumb or what. Your issue is that your life goals which are to get married and have children in your early 30's are not parallel to his. Your putting all your life plans on hold for a guy to whom you're not sure will want to marry you in the next five years, otherwise, why are you always asking strangers how to make him love you?Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
And stop with all your made up stories! No one can give you proper advise if you keep on making up shit just to spare you of the embarrassment and humiliation your boyfriend already put you through.
But a page or so ago, told us that you're OK with not settling down or being married. That this type of life is boring and you need more excitement.Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses919191 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
He doesn't want to break up with me, just wants us to live separately. Hard to argue with that when he says he only asked me to move in with him bc I was pressuring him to show some kind of commitment after a year & he knew he wouldn't be ready to get engaged for years still. Maybe if I move out & show him I respect his wishes, he'll love me more and come around in his own time. He was clear this isn't a breakup. He has tons of work stress & wants to be able to come home & work on projects uninterrupted while still in training. He says he'll want a family once these years are done
Rose, I'm frustrated with your constant contradictions. I have no idea when you're telling the truth and when you're making stuff up. I'm done with this thread.
Well tonight he initially wasn't going to go to dinner with me & our friends. Then he agreed. Then the friend cancelled due to illness, but I said "want to go to dinner, just me and you?" And he said yes. And made nice conversation with me and paid the whole bill without hesitating. But when we got home he didn't want to cuddle & just wanted to watch tv. I decided maybe that was enough for one day, so I decided not to lay into him for refusing to cuddle; I let it go. I asked him if he liked my dress & he said yes, it's nice.
No, you'll never get engaged.
I proposed to my GF, the moment that my divorce was official. We had been dating for 3 years at the time. I bought her a 20K Ring, paid for a fairly extravagent wedding and we've been married now for over 10 years.
Here's the thing. My wife had a friend that she went to school with who dated a guy that worked at a $10.00 an hour job. She expected him to do exactly what I had done for my wife, except that in their case, SHE was the one who made the big bucks and he was fairly poor and broke. Yet she still EXPECTED him to somehow do the same things that I had done! I told her, if you ever expect to have the same type of Ring, Wedding, Honeymoon and home that we had, she wsa going to have to pay for it herself. Her response to me was, "What if I get pregant? I need a man who will be able to take care of me? To that I said to her, then move on and find another man that can do what YOU expect him to do! So here's my question to you.
Do your expectations line up with what he can actually deilver?
It makes sense now. I told you how my BF had become so distant, withdrawn, never saying "I love you" or spending much time with me. I have a best guy friend (of 10 years) who calls me twice a week. I always answer his calls in front of my boyfriend, & we'll talk forever. When I go back to my hometown I hang out with this guy, nothing shady just coffee. But my Bf also found from reading my texts that this guy actually has said in past that he wants to date me. My bf is like "why would I invest emotional energy into someone who's just going to end up with another guy eventually? You know it'll never just be platonic friends now that he said he wants to date you." I told him I figured he would've told me if it bothers him how often I talk to my friend. And that we never hang out alone or in "date"-like locations when I go back home. He said "I thought you'd figure out on you own what was appropriate, I don't want to be a dictator." My bf said I have to figure out if I want our relationship to continue & if so, we both need to identify what we would change