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O...I'm way out of my league giving advice here...
I can't say whether leaving is right, I know your wife is going about standing her beliefs...radically...but in her eyes she is not wrong, you will look like the sinner damned to hell here, even though we know you're sufferring.
I won't be able to do that.. having a lover while living at home will break all the vows I made 13 years ago. I am not as relgious as my wife but my vows are sacred to me despite that.
I have also come to the conclusion that i cannot destroy the lives of a 6, 3 and 2 year old for my own gratification.
A life of enforced celibacy may be before me, but I will be telling my darling children that Daddy will still be here..... good God, what did I do to deserve this?!?
Whatever happens, my son and two daughters will still have their loving daddy at home, it's just in my soul that i will be craving warmth and affection, but my needs are secondary.
If you are planning to stay after all that Stu then you should continue trying to regain the moral high ground of this issue and show her that she's wrong even by her Religious standards.
is it really possible that she has lost all libido and desire for sex? it's not only men who have these needs. women are horny! why is she not, is she a robot or a freak of nature?
Your wife has been abducted by space aliens, Stu.
Go for the counselling. Get your head back on straight. Then, once you feel back in control, figure out how to bring your wife back to sanity.
Start marshalling your resources. Your priest, a local counsellor, your family doctor, possibly a school counsellor. Not to air our your family laundry, but to let them know your family is going through some troubles. Then, you can arrange for *family counselling* which your wife will be obliged to attend. Do you have sane relatives who can talk to her? I know it may seem disloyal to do this, but if you are delicate, it can be done and you must keep in mind you are doing it to try to hold your family together.
I'm really thinking your wife needs to see a doctor. Something just isn't right about all this. Religious shouldn't = insane. She sounds close to it.
I'm staying for the sake of my children and their family life I have decided. However, I will be laying things down to my wife.
If she has a problem other than religious beliefs about sex for goodness sake tell me so I can get help.
If sex is still off the agenda, for religious or other reasons she has not told me about, then I will bide my time and look for a mistress... of course I won't say that to her but that is what I will do...... not that I would know how to go about tempting a woman to be my mistress but that's another story.
Although nothing has been resolved I at least feel a little better in that I have made these decisions. The children will be happy, she will be happy, and one way or another (hopefully with my wife) I will get what I want.... And to my surprise, the thought of a mistress now does not feel me with guilt as I have done/am doing all I can to try and find a way out of this.
look cb there is no point telling people who have faith that God doesn't exist. faith is faith. however the church is men not God, there is a difference
For the sake of not derailing this guys thread I deleted my post. This is not the place for that kind of argument anyway, I don't want people to shy away because I get vocal, lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
well i agreed with you so i thank your post in lieu of your deleted post.
Cb, I can relate. You've seen my posts on the subject in other threads. But, its what Eco said, faith is faith. So, one has to work within the bounds of the problem as presented. I leave the religious-related aspects of the problem to those who know more about it, Vash and Miso and others.
I hope your wife dies tomorrow in a terrible(glorious) fire...bitch.
man that was uncalled for....
it's a troll obviously, not a mind
Tell her how unhappy you are and tell her everything and I MEAN EVERYTHING.
Does she even hold you? Kiss you? Rub and caress you? Is there any intimacy?
Let her know how much you love her and what you want and need from her.
Tell her your marraige is in danger and you want to make things right and suggest you two going to counseling.
Seriously.. you guys have been together way too long for you not to have said this to her in a way where she gets it.
Stuart, I was sorry to see that you've changed your mind about leaving. While I, like Gigabitch and Indireloaded, would never advocate divorce easily, I do think seperation can be a gift at times.
I believe that your wife is using her religious beliefs as an excuse. I'm sure she has great spirituality and I'm sure her beliefs are very deep. However, if it was only this that was preventing her from having sex with you, I'm sure that she would have explored the alternatives with which to resolve the conflict of needs in your marriage and by now would have discovered the rhythm method and have discussed its implications with you.
I feel that there is more going on here and she has managed to manipulate a situation (consciously or not) in which she gets her needs met without exploring how to help you fulfil yours. A separation may have helped her recognise how much your presence in her life actually means to her and think a more seriously about discussing this situation with you properly rather than getting upset and throwing her teddies out the pram.
Edit: I forgot to say, if her reason for not wanting sex is that she just doesn't see you that way and just doesn't desire you sexually, she would be reluctant to tell you I'm sure. Regardless if this is a reason why she's not putting out, it would do you no harm to increase your confidence levels, your self-esteem and decrease any doormat tendencies you may have. However, this is not something you can discuss with her, you must do it alone.
Do you think the kids would see it that way?Quote:
Originally Posted by jasminetea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
It seems pretty tough, doesn't it?Quote:
Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Maybe, maybe not. I feel it depends very much on how its handled by both parents.
Even though children go through divorces every day and remain healthy, even when its acrimonious, I'm not talking about divorce here. I'm advocating a separation.
Edit: That sounded pompous hopefully its not so much now.
HA! I've said this all along.Quote:
Originally Posted by jasminetea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Nevertheless, it doesn't necessarily make divorce the right option.
You both have different perspectives:Quote:
Originally Posted by Stuart2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You think she is selfish for not being willing to have sex with you to save the marriage.
She thinks you are selfish for willing to throw away the marriage so that you can have sex.
As a result, your perspective of the marriage is cheapened because she clearly doesn't love you enough to have sex with you or discuss her feelings. And her perspective of the marriage is cheapened because you care more for sex than her marriage. As a result, you are both blaming the break-up on the other, seeing yourself as the victimized person, and through a series of mental gymnastics, pretending that each step of the break up is the other's choice and not yours.
You rationalize this move towards separation by saying it was her decision, you gave her an option. And she rationalizes the move towards separation by saying its your decision, you forced the ultimatum that didn't previously exist.
Analyzing your marriage from these personal perspectives won't help you bridge any gaps, and by setting up the ultimatum of: divorce, infidelity, or sex you have probably insulted your wife and made her even more stubborn in the process. Ultimatums are rarely ever a good idea unless you are genuinely willing to lose the person, so I have to ask you: are you?
If it comes down to it, sex or your marriage, are you willing to pick sex? I ask this because apparently you have been wedded for over two decades so I assume there is something of value to your marriage beyond sex.
There are two ways to approach a situation like this, one is to let her know that you care about her and that your relationship comes first, and that it pains you that she is not interested in sex and will not open up to you about it.
Then you'd have to understand that it is not irrationality that is the reason she won't talk to you, but her Catholic sense of guilt, and that it is something she has to overcome to discuss a situation that she finds embarrassing, even if it is with her own husband. Batting heads with her harder won't help open her up, it will just get her to bunker down more. Of course, you are a bit past this situation with your ultimatum and have lost some serious bargaining power in the process.
I think a lot of advice on this thread is given as if you're dating a woman, when in fact you have been wedded for a long time and have several children. I hate to say this to you, but you lose some choices when you marry someone, you make sacrifices, and you suck some things up, and thats part of what it takes for a marriage to last. In the end, a marriage still needs to be healthy to survive, but health is a different thing to different couples, and its unfortunate that you didn't see this "difference of point of view" until this late.
At the end of the day: you have the right to start over, I just hope you are making this decision in earnest and not because you lost an ultimatum and feel trapped by your words.
I did. God my parents were a mess. I was 9 when they divorced.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Edit:
Thats not accurate. At the time, I was hurt and really wished they got back together. But in hindsight, that was a terrible marriage with no chance of surviving and was only hurting us in the process. Sometimes losing and grieving is the right thing, even if you can't see it at the time.
What good has religion brought?
And don't give me that Mother theresa shit, I am talking about God.
I feel awful for you, Stuart, what a horrible trap your wife has got you in. I know you love her, but she sounds just awful to me....how could you so deeply hurt someone you supposedly 'love'? You can't divorce her (and she plays your kids against you!), she won't sleep with you, and refuses to talk about it with you. What kind of a marriage do you really have?
I would consider talking to a different priest, this one obviously got his training in catholicism straight from the medieval guidebooks. I'm FORMERLY Roman Catholic, and our priest didn't have the uptight POV this one has. Work harder on this, continue talking to your wife and trying to get her to open up. Sure, she'll get upset at you but she's never going to divorce you so you may as well pester her until she finally cracks.
If this never happens, Stuart.......I have to say I agree with finding a mistress. I'm one of the last people to advocate such a thing, having been through a divorce already with a cheating spouse. However, what your wife is doing is called psychological abuse. You don't have to be trapped in this misery she's forced you into.
I honestly feel for you, this sounds horrible.