My friend... uhh, "raped me". What now?

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Shut the hell up.

A lot of "showers" these days also include a bathtub, and people tend to use these words interchangeably. You must live under a rock if you didn't know that.

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Oh .. I do apologise for commenting on YOUR forum :)

And there's no need to be so uptight, maybe you should go have a nice relaxing shower with some floating candles

I don't know anyone that says they are going to take a bath meaning they are going to have a shower, just doesn't add up to me, none of it does, whole story sounds a bit suss.

And there are about half a dozen people questioned whether she was a troll so why go pick on me? and why threaten to have me banned?? If you don't like what I have to say put me on ignore, now fark orf!

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Will do. I hope you teach your son that it is not okay to whip it out in front of a female friend and masturbate and also to not invite himself into her shower and pin her against the wall and put it in her ass with no prior warning of any sort.

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Of course I did, and have done one better. I taught him to avoid overly-dramatic girls who throw around the word "rape" and diminish its meaning.

Also, I can't imagine any girl being stupid enough to say there was no fair warning when all the events of the evening drew a straight line to sex. I might buy you argument, though, if the original poster were a virginal 13 year old, with no experience with males, and no understanding of the way sexual activity progresses.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Of course I did, and have done one better. I taught him to avoid overly-dramatic girls who throw around the word "rape" and diminish its meaning.

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OP has already admitted it wasn't rape. Many many times. I don't think she's been overly dramatic about it. Calling her that diminishes her troubling experience. It's her right to feel violated. I'm not arguing that he's a rapist monster, but what he did was pretty gross and wrong, and not many people are acknowledging that. All the blame has been put on her, which is really unfair, I think. Yes, she probably could have stopped it. It doesn't make this unfortunate episode all her fault.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

and no understanding of the way sexual activity progresses.

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This wasn't really a normal progression of sexual activity.

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think she's been overly dramatic about it. Calling her that diminishes her troubling experience. It's her right to feel violated.

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Well, I disagree, so I don't have a problem with diminishing her perception.

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This wasn't really a normal progression of sexual activity.

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No, it wasn't. Most girls who weren't sexually interested would have stopped a guy from masturbating right next to her.

I consider this a live-and-learn experience about the importance of being clear about what you want; not a catastrophe.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, I disagree, so I don't have a problem with diminishing her perception.

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I hope this isn't inappropriate, but have you ever treated someone who thought they might have been raped/sexually assaulted/exposed to borderline unwanted sexual activity? How were you trained to handle it? I'm seriously not trying to be a dick, but as someone in the medical field, do you often completely disregard people's perceptions of events?

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Most girls who weren't sexually interested would have stopped a guy from masturbating right next to her.

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I'm getting the vibe that you're saying she asked for it? Because like obviously the next step away from creepily touching yourself in front of a friend is to slip it in while she's not looking? Or are you saying that because she was okay with him masturbating, she should have been fine with him slipping it in? I honestly don't understand how one can dismiss his behavior as totally okay, while telling her she's completely at fault for all of it.

You're right, though, live and learn. It's not a catastrophe, but it's not something she needs to be raked through the coals for.

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RAPE DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying it was rape.

Oh how I hate the term troll. Why do people love to flaunt it around whenever they get the chance...? Even worse on a forum which indicated which country you are from. Horseyguy, you assume I'm flawless at English, when the flag below my name clearly states I'm not from any English speaking country. For everything else, people seemed to assume I was trolling because I used the word "Rape" wrongly. Truth to be told, it wasn't what I had intended to write from the start, but because I could find a way to formulate it properly, that's what I ended up doing. Live and learn :/

Either way, Doppel and Vashti is right. I picked the wrong choices, and let it escalate like it did. I should have stopped him, and known something like this could happen. Live and learn. But on the other hand, MerryH pretty much hits the nail on the head, when discussion my idea of this. I might have been able to prevent it, which makes it not rape, but that doesn't make the fact that he did something like that any more okay for me. Note: for me. That's a personal view on the case, one which we are all entitled to, if I'm not wrong.

But this also highlights me previous question. The setting for it all seems wrong to me, but since it lead him to leave the shared apartmen, he obviously didn't find it as such.

So... Enlighten me a bit here. You are friendzoned with a girl for years, and you start wanting more from her. You don't want to be friends, but something more. Based on this kind of approach, what would you have hoped for? I'm very curious about that, actually, because yeah, I'm inexperienced. My idea of asking for consent means using words, not your dick. If you had used a route this direct, in order to get with me, what direction had you hoped to take it? Or would you really have done it like he explained: Just for fun, you were horny, wanted a beautiful relationship and proposed the next day, ect? This guy is closed as a book. I can't make anything he does make sense right now >_>

well actually you're now assuming that I assumed you were flawless at English. I thought your English was very good, didn't even look at your flag. And I'm not even sure what that has to do with anything, just because someone is English doesn't mean they can articulate themselves any better that you.

The reason I thought you were a troll was based on your initial post that just seemed like you posted it just to get some attention.

The way you made light of the fact you were raped, now say you wern't and how you just dón't understand how this happened.

So the night before he starts masturbating in front of you, why didn't you tell him his behaviour was innapropriate right there and then? The fact that you seemed ok with it I guess made him think it was ok to jump in the shower with you the following morning, and as you didn't challenge him at that point and tell him to get out of the shower, in fact you just laughed about it, he then thought it was ok to start washing you???? and you still didn't tell him to back off??? what message at that point do you think you were sending??? You let him masturbate in front of you whilst you are both looking at erotica, you don't ask him to leave the shower, you don't ask him to stop touching you / washing you and then you turn around and basically point your butt at him, he enters you and you don't tell him to stop, say you actually enjoyed it and he made you cum twice??? WTF So you hardly pulled away then?

No matter how many times I read it I can't see how he wouldn't have believed it was consentual, you did absolutely nothing to give him any reason not to have thought that, or have I missed something?

Maybe that's why I think this all just sounds a bit suss to me.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're contradicting yourself here. Yes, sex is a two-way street, but that means that the male is also giving his consent. I don't appreciate the textbook definition labeling rape as a crime that "a man" commits. Women can certainly rape, too, and if not for sexual pleasure, then for other reasons. We live in a society of equality, where it is now the female's responsibility to make the right decisions. What you're saying here is "men should take SOME responsibility to make sure that the girl is consenting", when in fact you mean it's a man's complete responsibility to make sure that a girl is consenting, which is, unfortunately, the reason why when a girl cries "rape", the guy is defenseless.

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Wait, wait, wait. Women can certainly rape men, it is just more rare because it is logistically easier for a man to overpower a woman and logistically easier for a completely unaroused woman to be forced into sex. But equal does not mean it is the female's responsibility to make the right decisions! Yes, every man and every woman has a responsibility to clearly consent or not AND to assure themselves of consent before going forward with sexual activity. No, it doesn't fall entirely on the man or the woman. Each carries both responsibilities, And please don't tell me that I mean something different from what I say. If I meant that men should take all the responsibility, I would say that.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My brother was raped three years ago by the ex wife of his friend. She drugged him up and took advantage of him, much in the same way you were. He didn't want to sleep with her - he doesn't like her at all. Afterward, he was scared shitless, that she might have used him to get pregnant, that he might have been infected with some kind of sexually transmitted disease, and for a number of other reasons. You might say that "oh, he's a man and all men enjoy sex, even if they don't like the woman; you can't rape the willing" and you might say "this is an exceptional case", but both are simply untrue.

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That is horrific and I wouldn't say either of those things.. No person deserves to be used for sex without their consent, and of course his fears were the same as any rape victim's fears.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Silence implies consent. Sorry, but if the guy doesn't directly ask "do you want to have sex with me" and if the girl doesn't make any effort to resist, then (unless the girl is below the age of consent, and unless she is drugged/restrained/at gunpoint) it is her fault. Furthermore, if she's drunk (i.e. she decided to drink enough to become intoxicated on her own will) and she makes a poor judgment and decides to give consent when she normally wouldn't, then it's not rape. Sorry, but you just can't write it off as "teehee, I'm just a stupid girl and since I was under the influence he should've known", which seems to be quite common. Ugh.

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No. Look, I don't think any guy should be convicted of a stupid misunderstanding, like she was drunker than he knew or she didn't want to but didn't resist or say no. That wouldn't be fair, and I don't think the OP should prosecute, but she says she won't. I'm agreeing with oyu that she failed in HER responsibility to speak up. But dude, the guy seriously failed in HIS responsibility to assure consent. It's not like they were fooling around and he went further than she was comfortable with, he took her forcefully from behind without any prior discussion, without any sexual history together. He made a mistake, too. That's all I am saying. If she had screamed no and fought him? His opening move was already sexual assault even if he stopped when she screamed!

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Umm, you were feeling woozy, so I'm sure it was pretty obvious to your guy friend who didn't rape you. If he had raped you (yes, rape, because you were drugged), then he could have and should have been charged for rape. On the other hand, the guy who had drugged you would have also been responsible. Sorry, but these complications do not support your claims.

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He thought I was drunk. You just said that it would be OK and not rape to take advantage of a woman impaired by alcohol. And truly, if he had slept with me that night, I would not have dreamed of pressing charges. I would have felt violated, but I would not have blamed him for misreading the situation. I am glad he was more honorable than that, though.

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hope this isn't inappropriate, but have you ever treated someone who thought they might have been raped/sexually assaulted/exposed to borderline unwanted sexual activity? How were you trained to handle it? I'm seriously not trying to be a dick, but as someone in the medical field, do you often completely disregard people's perceptions of events?

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Don't be silly. When I am working, I am paid to publicly accept whatever story I am given, as are all professionals. But if you think that we (nurses, doctors, etc.) don't discuss what we REALLY think in private, you are sadly mistaken. That's why we order psych consults.

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm getting the vibe that you're saying she asked for it? Because like obviously the next step away from creepily touching yourself in front of a friend is to slip it in while she's not looking? Or are you saying that because she was okay with him masturbating, she should have been fine with him slipping it in? I honestly don't understand how one can dismiss his behavior as totally okay, while telling her she's completely at fault for all of it.

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I am saying she is 100% responsible for her behavior (or lack thereof), and he is 100% responsible for his. If you feel I am "raking her over the coals", perhaps that is because unfounded accusations such as this can ruin a person's life. In any event, I believe she has learned an important lesson.

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Originally Posted by Trishi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For everything else, people seemed to assume I was trolling because I used the word "Rape" wrongly. Truth to be told, it wasn't what I had intended to write from the start, but because I could find a way to formulate it properly, that's what I ended up doing.

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You seem to have a habit of getting yourself into situations you don't want, and bitching about the consequences later.

Troll. :lol:

Is it true that often times the rape victim gets vaginally raped, and also raped through the anus? Rape is of violence, so I figure women can be damaged/hurt through the rectum more than anywhere else.
The bottom line is the intention. I think you should use this as leverage and blackmail him. Is he rich? Does he have anything that you want? Is he in a relationship with someone else? The possibilities are
endless.

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Originally Posted by Take2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But equal does not mean it is the female's responsibility to make the right decisions!

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Lol!!! Might as well just say that women are stupid and are thus incapable of making logical and appropriate decisions.

Sorry, I would be wasting my time if I debated this any further with you.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lol!!! Might as well just say that women are stupid and are thus incapable of making logical and appropriate decisions.

Sorry, I would be wasting my time if I debated this any further with you.

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No, just saying that an act that involves 2 people gives 2 people responsibility to make the right decisions. And if BOTH of them make mistakes, the responsibility for those mistakes belong to BOTH people. The OP admits she made mistakes in this situation. I agree that she did. But the dude made mistakes, too. And even if the OP had behaved in a better way, this guy was off base. She could have left the room in discomfort when the dude started wanking beside her and screamed bloody murder when he jumped her in the shower. And even if he had stopped as soon as she screamed, he would have made some pretty illogical and inappropriate decisions. Men and women are equally capable of doing that from time to time.

Feminists have given young women a false sense of security and freedom, and some have to learn the hard way that it's all a lie.

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Originally Posted by Kaius [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is it true that often times the rape victim gets vaginally raped, and also raped through the anus? Rape is of violence, so I figure women can be damaged/hurt through the rectum more than anywhere else.
The bottom line is the intention. I think you should use this as leverage and blackmail him. Is he rich? Does he have anything that you want? Is he in a relationship with someone else? The possibilities are
endless.

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Pardon, but I have no intentions, what so ever, of pressing charges, so why would I want to blackmail him? Sadly, the painful truth still remains... I want his friendship. I can't shake it off, but sadly, he haven't picked up my calls today at all, and the message I send asking if we could talk went unanswered as well.

I had hoped some of you could give a bit of insight in his intentions though. Going into the conversation again with him will be a bit easier if I have some pointers towards what that might have been. Regardless of how stupid my moves were, I doubt he would have done any of it without a reason. That's... actually the main issue from the very start.

I can't even understand what you are trying to say Frasbee. I had no false sense of security because of any feminists :/ I had a sense of security because the guy were my childhood friend. I can't tell if any of you have had those kinds of childhood friends, but I know his parents have a picture of us, bathing naked in one of those small pools, when we were like 7. A change in age only teaches you something if you learn it through some kind of means. As already stated, I had a single parent who were drunk half of the time to teach me everything, and he hardly helped me.

About the English... I'm using a spellchecker for half of the words, so... that's possibly the reason it looks decent. I can't tell for the life of me if I use the right grammar or words. About my stupidity? I'm fairly certain stupidity doesn't equal troll. I'm young, dumb and hopeless at the moment. Here's hoping that changes for the better in the future.