An ex-gf as your best friend?

My BF told me his best friend is his EX (they’ve been together for 10+ years), and now he still:

1. hangs her photo in his room (there are some others but very few),

2. carries his ex-gf key everyday
,
3. texting each other almost everyday,

4. Using his ex-gf’s birthday as all his accounts’ password;

Last night, they went out together for a drink. At 9pm, he told her he has to leave in order to meet me and he promised to meet me at 9pm. Then his EX was angry because he didn’t spend enough time with her. When he came to see me, we had a big fight too, because he promised he’ll finish the drinks with his EX and sees me before 9pm.

When we were in a serious fight, he still kept texting his EX and try to calm her down for not being angry at him, and i was not happy about this, then he told me he will always choose his "friend" (including his EX) instead of a GF.

I feel i was not the priority for my BF, how can a BF texting his EX to calm her down when having a serious fight with the current GF?

Does he sees his EX more important than me? Should i leave this man?

Jill

Hes not over her, thats simple as that. Being friends with ex is not healthy and comes from controlling mindset. He still wants to have some impact on her.
If you are not okay with that then make him choose - you or ex and leave if he dont choose you.

Is it really possible to become "best friend" with your ex? and still go out to meet almost every week?

I would understand if his best friend is a guy. Why would he be best friends with a girl and not you. Red Flags all over the place here.

I realize some people are close with their exes and just have had such great connections. That's fine. But you're entirely right. You're the priority here.

Him trying to calm her down while texting while you two are in a disagreement? Disrespectful. He needs to get his priorities in order. He's with you now.

I laughed reading where his ex was mad because he had to leave her to make it to see you. I would put that ex in her place if I was him, she has no right to be mad for that. He should be telling her what I'm telling you, I'm with this new woman now, I'm sorry but she comes first. But that's irrelevant in regards to this.

He will always choose the ex over his GF. Poor choice of words /decision. Pictures are weird. Texting her everyday, going out for drinks, really? Lots of women i think would dump a man on the spot for that choice of words by him. He's lucky to have someone that is calm and likes to evaluate things.

You're being reasonable, he isn't. This would be a deal breaker for me as well. As okay, if he speaks with her every now and then. But while he's interacting with her, it makes you not look or feel special, which men need to be doing.

But good, clear and loving communication is always key. Talk about how you feel, what your needs are, what is happening and if he doesn't change? Well, you tried to work it out so. Faults on him.

He will likely whine and try to swing things around as you being unreasonable. Or overreacting. But really man? You're not with your ex anymore.

Sounds like he is STILL very much attached to his old feelings for her and wants to keep things as close to how it was in the past. He should stick her picture in a photo album, not a viewable frame, disrespectful to you. it's like he is doing all the same excepting f. ucking her still. That is wrong, he broke up and with breaking up comes severing ties that bind, an occasional text is fine but that is all.

It is possible to be a friend. But it should have it's limits, he is way out of line. If nothing changes, you should leave him or you'll end up in a toxic relationship

I tried to talk to him many times about this, and told him that his interaction / behaviors with his EX is not normal, but he insists he sees her as the “best friend” / “family”, and seeing a "best friend" every week is normal.

I also think, there’s no way to change a person’s heart / feeling, if it’s his heart tells him to do so (texting EX almost 2-3 times every week, meets his EX (he called her "best friend" almost every week), then it’s what his heart wants. 

Even i told him and he changed, it’s just because he avoids fighting with me, or he continues these things secretly without letting me know.

I don't want him change just because I will be angry, but i'm also suffering from these since we are together (10+ months), I am in a dilemma. What should I do?

*Thank you guys for your opinions, it’s really helpful and meaningful, it helps me understand I wasn’t overacted and know the men’s thoughts.

If he will not let go of his ex and move forward with you, then he'll never get over his ex. that is not how relationships work. what he is doing is not being friends. he's like someone being "friendzoned" by his ex. I'm very sorry, but i find him to be weak and spineless. It doesn't matter what he calls her, best friend, family or whatever. What matters are his actions and how he treats her. Normally, i do not condone cutting off communications with exes. i consider that sourgraping. BUT like i said there should be limits... but in his case, since he has no self control and he is being selfish of his own feelings and is very inconsiderate of how you feel, he should either cut off communications with her, or i believe it is time you leave

What do you mean by choose? having me and cutting all the communication with his ex?
He told me it's not possible because they've been together for 10+ years and she's like family / best friend to him...

It's not impossible for him to cut of ties with him, he just chooses not to. It seems the choices for you are simple.
1. Stay with him, but would have to tolerate their relationship.
2. Leave him.

He sounds immature and spineless.

He insists he can have more than 1 female best friend at the same time... and he sees both are equally important and he won't choose any and lose the other.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you pcmaster, GLYC, lovebroken, madotnw_nihs, and nerdy_guy.

It's very reasonable from your words.

If a man really loves a woman, he will force / ask the woman he loves to "tolerate" these? My BF says he does love me, but he won't make any choice between friend (here we talk about his "EX" and "best friend) and GF.

I just learned that my BF and his EX exchange their keys, he has her apartment key, and her EX has his apartment key as well. He told me it's just for emergency backup.

I know I am stupid and sound pathetic in this relationship, i will just leave this relationship. Thank you guys!.

Good for you and you can do it. I know it sucks in the beginning, but we all get through it. Frankly, it sounds like he wants more than 1 gf at the same time.

I think this is just going to be one of those moments where you just need to decide if it's something you can live with. It sounds like he's not going to give in.
For some people, they would be cool with it, and for others, I think they would see things as just being too much drama.

I get that he's been in contact with her for 10 years, and it doesnt sound like you're asking for him to entirely erase her from his life altogether anyways.
To me, that sounds fair. But for him, he wants a lot more.

For me personally, I think it sounds like too much drama. If I've expressed how I felt on the matter, then that's all I can do.
I would be uncomfortable having someone be THIS close to their ex. If they sent emails back and forth every now and then on rare occasions or whatever, fine.
I'm fine with people still caring about their exes, its great when people can part like that. But if it doesn't seem like they've moved on, I will be moving on.

I know this is the Ask Male thread and I think the guys have had an excellent input. As a woman, I just wouldn't put up with this BS. He says she is his "best friend"? Shouldn't you be his best friend? Seriously, there is a lot more going on in their relationship than he wants you to believe. They have keys to each others apartments for an emergency? What kind of emergency? You have asked him to choose and he won't? If you were friends with your ex and your love was really uncomfortable with it, what would you do? Plus, this isn't just a casual, lightheartedness relationship. I had a child with my ex and we are not that friendly!

I do not think you are being unreasonable with the way you are feeling or the things you are asking of him. It doesn't matter how long he has known her. They are no longer together and his first priority should be you. Nothing else makes sense.

Thank you all for your great input and opinions!

This is exactly how i feel, he's just selfish and wants to have everything and wouldn't like to give up any.

But i was confused because he made me think I'm being over-reacted, narrow-minded, want him to delete all his past, and not being reasonable to ask him to choose between his best friend (his EX) and me. But i just simply want to live happily with him without suffering from these, these EX (or he called her "best friend) things.

I am trying to review myself if this is my problem for being like this? That's why i need your opinions.

He keeps emphasizing that they've been together for 10+ years and knowing each other for 17+ years, and he will continue to be the best friend with her (regardless how I am suffered from this).

He asked why he can't have "2 best friends at the same time" (me and his EX) when i asked him "shouldn't your GF be your best friend?" like all you suggest, and this is how he answered... I could only smile bitterly.

I feel very, very sorry for you.

Your BF is a selfish man, he only cares about his own happiness with another woman (or "friend" he called), despite how you are painful.

It seems you are the only one who's trying to save your relationship, your BF takes you for granted and doesn't cherish your love.

I have few very good female friends I know since I was a kid (and yes, I had relationship with 2 of them), but they are never as important as my LOVE. And I will choose my LOVE without any hesitation instead of them even I know them for more than 20 years.

Of course my good female friends know and respect my priority is my LOVE, they will totally understand and being supportive if I want to spend more time with my LOVE or leave earlier for my LOVE.

His EX being mad is extremely odd, she thinks she's still important person to him and want to control him. This is definitely NOT "friendship". I guess they also talk about your bad behind you when they are together, that's maybe why his EX thinks you are not worth than her for him to spend more time, i.e, she thinks your BF doesn't really love you, and she should be the priority.

It's very sad, I hope and I believe you will find another better man, most men are not like this and you deserve a better man.

I am being friends with all my EXes, but and I see few of them as very good friends, but I will NEVER say they are my "Best friend" even I know them for decades, and I have best friends and my GF is always the only female best friend to me.

Friends are very important, we don't have to choose friends between love, but if we really have to, of course the love is chosen for no doutes.

Exchanging keys with other woman is not acceptable, I will be extremely upset if my GF does that.

Being friends with EX is okay, but you need to have the boundary, occasionally text or even have lunch once a while in a year is okay, staying in contact frequently? It's purely emotionally dependence on the past relationship, and not mentally healthy. Especially when it jeopardizes your current relationship, you need to cut it clear if you cherish this relationship. That's what a man needs to do for the woman he loves.

Leave this man, he is either stupid or very immature.

He broke up with his ex for some reason no matter what the reason is, it just didn't work out for them. Now he's losing you for a woman he tried before but didn't work out? He's losing the opportunity for having the real ONE in his life.

Not clever and immature, for a man who's still emotionally depending on other woman (friend or EX) instead of his partner, is not ready for a relationship.