Insecure in a secure relationship...

I am currently in the best relationship I've ever been in. We've been together for just over a year and currently live together. We both love each other VERY much, we rarely argue and never yell, and we always have a great time together. We have great sex and have it often (3-8 times a week).

That said, I am a very insecure person and because of this I sometimes get insecure about our relationship for no reason at all. Even when our relationship and our sex life is going extremely well, I randomly get insecure about things. I start to think about her cheating on me - for no reason - and I get very upset. Even though inside I know that she isn't, thoughts just flood my head. Sometimes I get so worked up that I am visibly depressed and it affects our interactions. This will only last for a day but it's pointless and I feel like it's avoidable.

I have absolutely no reason to think like this. She shows me nothing but love and shows no signs that anything is wrong. I've accepted that this is all in my head but I just can't shake it. It was worse in the beginning of our relationship and I thought that it would eventually pass but it hasn't yet.

It's not just insecurity with regards to her cheating either. Sometimes it gets so bad that it's about sex too. There have been times that we've had sex and she's orgasmed 4, 5, 6, times... and I still feel inadequate when we're done.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Do I need therapy? HELP!

I don't think it could hurt to go to a therapist. There could be some other problems that you aren't really realizing. That's the only thing I can think of, I've never heard of soemone being so upset when everything is so good!

I know what you're talking about Zabcz. I feel this way about my bf over 1.5 yrs. I know he would never cheat on me but I always feel insecure about the relationship and I hope I'm doing enough on my end to prevent any mishaps from happening.

I do, like you, tend to imagine things that have no basis. No reason at all for me to feel insecure or threatened about my relationship, but it tends to consume me. However, sometimes my bf comes out with silly comments like: " oh some chick at work hit on me today..." and that will start me going off on a tangent...thinking the worst like he's cheating on me at work with some slut. I of course confront him and tell him my fears and he gets all mad saying Im crazy, etc...Seeing a therapist would not be a bad thing...Its something I may consider doing myself just to get a little perspective....

Stop being such a pansy, you pansy.

To make things simple: Your insecurities will ruin this "perfect" relationship you have. That should be enough motive to stop letting them control you, if not - guess that relationship you have isn't that great anyways, since you're basically throwing it away.

I do that as well sometimes. I agree with Rosebud and updraft, some therapy will probably help you out.

I suggest that in addition to getting therapy you be sure to never act upon these feelings (no drilling her if she comes home an hour late or checking up on her). It is okay to feel jealous and not burden her with your insecurities.

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Originally Posted by shh!

I suggest that in addition to getting therapy you be sure to never act upon these feelings (no drilling her if she comes home an hour late or checking up on her). It is okay to feel jealous and not burden her with your insecurities.

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That's an excellent point and I never get mad at her for things like that. What's weird is that this would at least make some kind of sense if there were specific events that triggered these feelings (like her coming home late or random phone calls or something). This isn't the case though! It seems (to me) to be completely random and unprovoked...

Tellin you man, you need to get that shit under control or else it will be your DOOM.

It's perfectly human to have doubts and insecurities - but like I said you have to keep it under wraps.

That's good that you don't start questioning her or anything, but I know you can fall into depression and she will notice that. If it is bothering you and your relationship that much, go get help. I can really relate because I have been that way and still am sometimes. That fear of being abandoned can make you crazy sometimes. ;)

Good points here!

If I may, could you give us a brief overture of why you think this Girl is with you and why she loves you? I am sure she has said something at some time over a year as to why she loves you, how she feels about you, and so forth; could you tell us some of these?

Yeah I think there are some underlying issues maybe that could be affecting you, causing you to be insecure. That's why I think a therapist couldn't hurt. But if you do keep going like this it could damage your relationship, especially fi you don't know how to handle them properly.

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Originally Posted by Bluevetteracer

Good points here!

If I may, could you give us a brief overture of why you think this Girl is with you and why she loves you? I am sure she has said something at some time over a year as to why she loves you, how she feels about you, and so forth; could you tell us some of these?

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Yikes, Bluevette - you made your signature
even bigger
just to spite me, didn't you?

:-)

Hey man, I can relate to feeling insecure for no obvious reason. If you get down to it(therapy or an epiphany), like everyone has suggested, you will feel amazing relief. You won't even be able to explain the positive impact on your being. Your relationship sounds pretty solid man, congrats on looking for some help before it goes overboard.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by shh!

Yikes, Bluevette - you made your signature
even bigger
just to spite me, didn't you?

:-)

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Only 6 days for you to notice, But my heart is warmed : )

Bluevette, clearly you missed the thread I started entitled "bluevette" (I thought you were ignoring me), but I didn't miss your sig change...

And you never responded to my posts in the metrosexual thread, so I will take that as a sign that I won. ;)

You don't need therapy. You just need to relax.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zabcz

That said, I am a very insecure person and because of this I sometimes get insecure about our relationship for no reason at all. Even when our relationship and our sex life is going extremely well, I randomly get insecure about things. I start to think about her cheating on me - for no reason - and I get very upset. Even though inside I know that she isn't, thoughts just flood my head. Sometimes I get so worked up that I am visibly depressed and it affects our interactions. This will only last for a day but it's pointless and I feel like it's avoidable.

It's not just insecurity with regards to her cheating either. Sometimes it gets so bad that it's about sex too. There have been times that we've had sex and she's orgasmed 4, 5, 6, times... and I still feel inadequate when we're done.

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I am my own self therapist. Which is probably not the best way to go about things, but none the less appears to work for me :)

I disagree, there is always a reason for insecurity.

I can see two issues 1. Trust 2. Self Esteem

In your case these two appear to be inter-related.

1. You don't trust her 100%.
2. You have a low self worth. Because of this you automatically assume that you are not good enough for her and she can do better than you, which leads you to (See number 1).

So i guess the real question here that will put you onto the right track is, what makes you so doubtful about yourself and your abillities?

Then next question is, what can you do yourself to make you have a better self worth and have more confidence in yourself and your abillities? Is it time for you to become that man that you see your partner leaving you for during those insecurity spells?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mishanya

So i guess the real question here that will put you onto the right track is, what makes you so doubtful about yourself and your abillities?

Then next question is, what can you do yourself to make you have a better self worth and have more confidence in yourself and your abillities? Is it time for you to become that man that you see your partner leaving you for during those insecurity spells?

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Thank you all for your great replies. This really is helpful for me and I appreciate it very much.

There is no doubt that I have internal self-esteem issues - I always have - in many aspects of my life. I have always been very good at keeping these issues inside though and appearing very confident on the outside. As for the cause, I'm not quite sure. I always had plenty of friends, I come from a great home with no verbal or physical abuse, etc. I just never really had much confidence in any aspect of my life. I can't speak in public (but I can speak to a large crowd of friends), I'm a musician but I can't perform on stage and I even get very uncomfortable when people listen to things that I've recorded - even thought I know that I'm talented and they they love it (this has forced music to only be a hobby for me btw), etc...

In terms of the last sentence in the above quote, I don't know that I see her leaving me for any particular type of man (other than a more confident one I guess). What I can say is that when these random thoughts do come into my head, it usually (for whatever reason) involves an ex of hers. Not one in particular though, just "is she hanging out with an ex right now?" And it's not that I actually suspect that she is! Sometimes I'll think things like this even while I know she's at work or with her family or something. These thoughts just randomly pop into my head for no reason.

You hit the nail on the head in a way. My self-esteem issues are definately affecting my trust. I do trust her though. It's hard to explain but I'll try like this: Normally, trust in a relationship trust is affected by an SO's behavior - whether it be changes, peculiar actions, etc. For me, most of the time trust is being affected by THE THOUGHT of the aforementioned behavior. These things aren't actually happening but in my head I imagine "what if they do"
and it affects me almost the same way that it would if these things were actually happening... Does that make any kind of sense?

Perfect sense. A lot of people go through the exact same thing.