Rejected. Yet she still talks to me

Heya. All right, I am a quiet person around this girl. I've liked her for over 3 years. I gave her letters with an anonymous signature, she cried (good cry) when reading them (in class to herself), and upon the 4th letter i worked it up inside of me to write my real name at the end of the letter. She's known about my admiration for her for well over 2/3rds of a year. She maintained a friendship with me, well knowing how I felt. She is a fan of my band and sometimes comes to our band practices with her friend at my house sometimes. However, we've never "talked" about how I've seen her these last few years, until recently.

We recently started emailing each other and I expressed myself while hiding behind a keyboard. She tells me that I am really a cute, sweet guy but for some reason she cannot explain "She goes for the jerks and doesn’t deserve me" and thinks that I would "Treat her like a queen and doesn’t want so much attention". "Our lives are so busy, adding another responsibility right now is something our supports wouldn’t be able to hold" Yet, when we (we are both
friends with about 10 people who all go out on occasion). She still gives me (along with everyone else) a hug goodbye. She even went to our friends and said that that "I finally worked it up inside of me to just start a conversation" with her by saying "Brandon actually talked to me today!" She knows I still adore her even if she has made her point. I know my boundaries now and I am trying not to push it.

Does that mean she wants to continue being good friends for now and maybe something down the road if she gets to know me better than the 'quiet person' around her? Does that just put it to me in a sweet way to try and not make me feel bad? Is this a typical answer? She still wants to hang out and do stuff with me being a part of it, and all in all. If she's happy without me, we both win. I'm happy too because quite honestly when I see her smile, that's what I would always be yearning for if I was to be her boyfriend and if she can smile and be happier without me, so be it. We both are scared to talk to each other face to face about this. She on the one hand dont like me in that way, and doesn’t want to hurt me in anyway shape or form. I on the other hand, I would much rather get it all in one blow than drag this on for the rest of my senior year. No matter what she says, I know she's dead honest about everything and thats something I really respect about her.

Do yall have any idea's on how we both can come to a census so we both can clear our minds once and for all instead of this virtual world with emails etc. I'd just ask her in an email if we could talk in person, but I already have. She's scared she will hurt me "again" and doesn’t want me to ever feel bad over her. Should I surprise her one day, should I set something up with my group of 10 friends or so with a campfire and somehow talk to her on the side.. I’m lost.

If the sentence "There will be others" is implied by you guys ~ Honestly I never had a g.f. & always wanted my first to be someone amazingly special to my heart. Im not so sure I'll be able to ever let her go until our careers change paths and we never see eachother again. That is unless it can end in some resolution where I can say "it can only get better from here". Should I assume that I'll never have my chance with her? Or assume that she really does think our lives are filled with resonsibilities and obligations by just adding another one to the pile, it would just crumble. Her standards on guys are very high from what I understand, from her best friend and she doesnt even tell her best friend anything about me. She says that this has been on her mind more than I could imagine, but what is on her mind? The fear that she will leave a scar on my heart? What? I dont know. I just need some direction, something to point me in the right direction, and no... going to the bar an't an option ';_)

Thanks yall

~Brandon
PS: If I ever become better friends with her, I'll know more and more what I missed out on. Should this feeling come natural? Is there anything I can do to fight it? Being a part in her life (no matter how big or small) really means the world to me and I don't want to live in pain anymore.

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Originally Posted by Smithx

Heya. All right, I am a quiet person around this girl. I've liked her for over 3 years. I gave her letters with an anonymous signature, she cried (good cry) when reading them (in class to herself), and upon the 4th letter i worked it up inside of me to write my real name at the end of the letter. She's known about my admiration for her for well over 2/3rds of a year. She maintained a friendship with me, well knowing how I felt. She is a fan of my band and sometimes comes to our band practices with her friend at my house sometimes. However, we've never "talked" about how I've seen her these last few years, until recently.

We recently started emailing each other and I expressed myself while hiding behind a keyboard. She tells me that I am really a cute, sweet guy but for some reason she cannot explain "She goes for the jerks and doesn’t deserve me" and thinks that I would "Treat her like a queen and doesn’t want so much attention". "Our lives are so busy, adding another responsibility right now is something our supports wouldn’t be able to hold" Yet, when we (we are both
friends with about 10 people who all go out on occasion). She still gives me (along with everyone else) a hug goodbye. She even went to our friends and said that that "I finally worked it up inside of me to just start a conversation" with her by saying "Brandon actually talked to me today!" She knows I still adore her even if she has made her point. I know my boundaries now and I am trying not to push it.

Does that mean she wants to continue being good friends for now and maybe something down the road if she gets to know me better than the 'quiet person' around her? Does that just put it to me in a sweet way to try and not make me feel bad? Is this a typical answer? She still wants to hang out and do stuff with me being a part of it, and all in all. If she's happy without me, we both win. I'm happy too because quite honestly when I see her smile, that's what I would always be yearning for if I was to be her boyfriend and if she can smile and be happier without me, so be it. We both are scared to talk to each other face to face about this. She on the one hand dont like me in that way, and doesn’t want to hurt me in anyway shape or form. I on the other hand, I would much rather get it all in one blow than drag this on for the rest of my senior year. No matter what she says, I know she's dead honest about everything and thats something I really respect about her.

Do yall have any idea's on how we both can come to a census so we both can clear our minds once and for all instead of this virtual world with emails etc. I'd just ask her in an email if we could talk in person, but I already have. She's scared she will hurt me "again" and doesn’t want me to ever feel bad over her. Should I surprise her one day, should I set something up with my group of 10 friends or so with a campfire and somehow talk to her on the side.. I’m lost.

If the sentence "There will be others" is implied by you guys ~ Honestly I never had a g.f. & always wanted my first to be someone amazingly special to my heart. Im not so sure I'll be able to ever let her go until our careers change paths and we never see eachother again. That is unless it can end in some resolution where I can say "it can only get better from here". Should I assume that I'll never have my chance with her? Or assume that she really does think our lives are filled with resonsibilities and obligations by just adding another one to the pile, it would just crumble. Her standards on guys are very high from what I understand, from her best friend and she doesnt even tell her best friend anything about me. She says that this has been on her mind more than I could imagine, but what is on her mind? The fear that she will leave a scar on my heart? What? I dont know. I just need some direction, something to point me in the right direction, and no... going to the bar an't an option ';_)

Thanks yall

~Brandon
PS: If I ever become better friends with her, I'll know more and more what I missed out on. Should this feeling come natural? Is there anything I can do to fight it? Being a part in her life (no matter how big or small) really means the world to me and I don't want to live in pain anymore.

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wow man...thats practically the same problem i have...except i'm really good friends with her. yea the feeling will come natural. for my cause she used to like me...but i guess i waited too long, anyway yea i got jealous at times, sad, depressed. cause she moved on. and i didn't. so basically you can't fight it unless you can't squash that love your feeling out for good. for me, my relationship lasted 4 years. but i still think about it. and i thought exactly like you. she knows i would treat her like a queen as well. I accepted that as long as shes happy, i am "happy". not really happy but thinking optimisticly like that helped a little.

her going for jerks is a gentle way of telling you that she doesnt like you that much.

sorry man, :( i really am. mate, the problem with life is that it refuses to listen to you no matter how much you implore or entreat it.

you waited a long time for your special one, and the one you thought was the one turned out to not like you. you know whats the worst part??? there is no gaurantee that it wont happen again.

but after great hardship comes great ease.

no man enjoyed happiness if he hadnt suffered pain. have hope and faith.

Hussain

yes but i just wish i could sit down with her somewhere and get all of this out of my chest. I mean, it seems so surreal to me because we never actually 'talked' to eachother and i just want some closure.. I dont know how to go about acheiving that...

Hi Smith,
I'm looking for a similar type of closure. But aren't you a little bit scared of the closure because a big part of you knows it won't be "exactly" what you want. No matter how much you try to say that you will be happy if she is happy. There is that part inside that just doesn't quite believe that. I think if you were ready for the closure you seek, you would have found it already. Obviously the feelings you have for her are to strong to take that chance. If you can maintain your life and succeed in your way, without closure, then maybe you need to do that. Let closure happen naturally(if, in fact, it is meant to). I don't know what this girl's lifeplans are, so its hard to forecast much, but I try. She is apparently flattered that you like her. She isn't embarrassed or she wouldn't reference you like that. That's a sign to me that there is a definite attraction, which she is somewhat proud of. I would suggest trying to not seek closure with her...let it be...(unless it's screwing up your life). Because it's true that you will find what you "expect" to find if you look hard enough. But if you let it come, sometimes you'll find what you "want" to find.

I agree somewhat with Circle on this one. For you to want closure and to lay all your cards on the table right now is dangerous. I know you feel as though you should to really find out how she feels, but being a female and knowing how to let someone down in a round about way, I would have to say that's exactly what she did. She may not be lying by saying she goes for bad guys but she still may not be the type to have all that affection and have someone completely adore her ( I know chicks are weird). But she could also be saying your a very sweet guy but just not for her. Judging by all the things you wrote in your post i would say you have to give up on this one. Normally I would tell a guy to tell the woman how she feels but I think she has given you lots of signs that she isn't interested and if you did tell her about your feelings again to get closure, she may feel harassed and back away from you completely. So make your decision wisely on this one, there are a ton of other people out there who would love to have a good guy like yourself.

women tend to go for jerks.. i tend to myself, it's just an attraction i guess...

I think it's attraction but not to looks. Bad guys most of the time, try to be leaders of whatever they do. Whether it be friends or whatever and I think woman feel powerful when dating a man that has that trait whether it's god or bad, it's the fact they are a leader. At least for me in my younger years that's how it was.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

I think it's attraction but not to looks. Bad guys most of the time, try to be leaders of whatever they do. Whether it be friends or whatever and I think woman feel powerful when dating a man that has that trait whether it's god or bad, it's the fact they are a leader. At least for me in my younger years that's how it was.

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your right that is true, jerks are usually the leaders, the head of the gang, the one no one messes with, or else... and that is a trait alot of women go for... i kno i do, i used to like the powerful man, one who's the man, and not just one of the guys...

So its the old "Sweet guy or good looking guy" senario? Well she said to me in one of her emails that she doesnt feel harrased (I didnt ask her), and just never had this much affection on her in her entire life. When she comes over with our friends, I feel like crying because I know Im never going to have her and the more and more I know her.. the more and more I know what I missed out on. She said to me that she doesnt know how I feel about her presence in the same room as me. She asked me weather or not her being better friends with me would just make things better or worse... well because if i see her more, after she said she dont like me (in a sweet round about way of course).. it could only hurt me in that little subsection in my brain that says "I wish I could be that special guy" then again, I would be a better friend to her.. but i'd never be able to cross over on that border. So its be better friends by seeing eachother when our friends get together while feeling horrible deep inside. Or just leave her alone and not go to outings we frequently have.. to avoid having to feel that way

edit; she may think im still a "great guy, cute, sweet" but it IS wrong to tell her once and a while in an email or something that still after all this.. her talking to me makes my day? or anything sweet like that? is it wrong?

I don't think its' wrong but I do think the more you hint at how you feel she is going to back away. She already knows how uncomfortable you are around her so I still think you should be careful.

This will hurt, I'm not going to lie but, but you can bounce back in time.

Should I tell her that.. maybe this pain is just too much? and maybe it would be best if I just stayed out of her life so she could consintrate on her life again? To be honest, I went onna 8 day vacation 2000 miles away from where I am. I was there the whole time, although she was on my mind... The longer I didnt see her or have any contact with her at all.. the pain wasnt so bad. Then I get in the same room with her and I feel like running away forever.. Should I back away forever?.. downside is.. i miss her and want to see her everytime im not there.. just kinda lost

I ended it tonight. I cant take this pain anymore. Even being her friend hurt me so bad.. i cried for 4 hours straight. I sent her an email saying that being her friend was even something that would make me still feel horrible everytime i get home from school.. there was more but u all get the jist of it. bye all

Well I think this was a good thing you did. Good luck to you!

thx a bunch

I'd hate to bring this thread back to life but.. Things are really getting to me. First off, she never replied to my emails after I sent off that I couldnt handle being her friend anymore. her best friend was telling me that that was a very wrong move and it would only hurt both of us since we've been friends for a long time now.

Well now, she's going out with my Best Friend's brother. Let me give you a quick backround on this kid: He punched another crazy kid in the nuts today, spit in the same kids mouth a few months back. He's in 11th grade and isnt trusted by hsi own mother to watch children so his brother which is in 12th grade always has to do it.

Now that you have a backround, this kid even said to me "I know how you felt about her". That was it. A few weeks have gone by since they started going out and just today this girl calls her best friend. Her best friend calls me and two of our friends for a night out. I was kinda shocked. I asked who was all going to be there and said if this brother of my best friend was going to be there, screw it because its so hard to see the girl of my dreams walking with some insane maniac. Well her b'f had to work tonight and she and I talked like never before. This time I wasnt shy, I held nothing back and we had the greatest time. Hell she offered me a ride home and brought up the fact that she got my emails.. and just didnt know how to reply to them.. I didnt know what to say at the time and I just said that I wish I could have taken them back because i regret every single one ive sent to her in which would leave her in the position of not knowing how to reply back.

She gave me a hug goodbye (she always gives hugs to our friends when saying goodbye).. and that made my night again.. what do i do guys? Its not like im going to be shooting for anyother girls the rest of my highschool years.. do i keep waiting for this girl? Do I hang out more with her so maybe when the day comes when she realizes what a dumbass her boyfriend is and what a real boyfriend could be.. maybe i might have first shot? i dont know.. but I dont want to have her on my mind for another year wondering weather or not anything's going to happen.. hell she may not even break up with him senior year..

So to end this I'd just like to point out that her boyfriend (best friend's brother) talks to me online like this isnt a big deal. he doesnt talk about how great this girl is or anything to me.. i guess i'd thank him for that because i know how great she is... but what do I do? Give up on her? Still be friends with her? Go out with her more? She's off she said sunday before 5:30.. should i go out again with her? or should I back off from possibly putting the impression that i want her to leave her state of happiness with her current boyfriend to just have me ruin it by getting in the way.

I know how your situation is....only Im a girl who kinda likes a guy....who Im friends with. I laid how I felt out on the table and was told that he didnt want to mess up our friendship by getting into a relationship...etc. This was told to me after being told how he thought I was attractive both physically and mentally. Its fustrating isnt it?

Its hard to be friends with someone you like as more then a friend......and when the feelings arent mutual.... It seems like being around them makes you like them more.....and then it hurts even more realizing that there won't be a chance..

You have to do whats best for you. If you can restrain your feelings and still be cool with her....then I say opt for being friends. But if you can't.....its probably best to distance yourself and look elsewhere.

I personally am distancing myself and looking elsewhere. It just works best for me..... I still talk to the guy now and then...but I know its not going anywhere so I figure why waste the time and my feelings on him.

Good luck and keep us updated.

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Originally Posted by Smithx

He's in 11th grade and isnt trusted by hsi own mother to watch children so his brother which is in 12th grade always has to do it.

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He does sound like an ass, but I don't see why this is weird. She is having the oldest look after the children.

Anyways, you have to make this choice for yourself. I would say back off because she probably doesn't feel the same way you do. Like Ellynn was saying, it's tough to be around someone you have strong feelings for and for them to not return them.

Thing is, after the 3.25 years in high school already over i can honestly say i never looked at another girl in the same way I did this one. So first off the basic principle is here, yes it is hard to try and back off. To add icing on the cake, she's my first...

Now she told my best friend (her boyfriends brother) that she's mad at her b/f now. Damnit her boyfriend punched another kid in the nuts for a laugh. Then the kid spit up into the air and into the other kids mouth.. the other kid exploded on him. They were friends for about a year now and now thats over.. i just dont see what she could see in him.

She's always going to be in 4 of my 7 classes this year. Im starting to be myself around her finally after all these years. Knowing that she's found happiness i guess with someone else comforts me somewhat. She's an awesome friend, g/f or not. I still want to be a close friend.. but im still always going to have her on my mind.. hoping that maybe one day she'll realize she dont need strictly a comedian to make her happy. Especially when a comedian hurts other people for a cheap laugh.

To be honest though.. I think she'll catch on. When she dumps this kid.. I dont want her to feel obligated that since she's free she should give me a chance. Just last night when we went out together, with our friends.. i was sitting in the front of the car with her and she said "im glad we're talking now" and "ive never heard ya talk so much before brandon" and have a little laugh about it.. i will admit that ive always been a mute around her.. who knows whats around the corner.. if nothings there.. at least im allowed to be her friend. I'd kill to get another night like last night.. i mean she gave me a hug.. an innocent hug. Do i still have the right to feel special when she talks to me? invites our friends out with me included? or should i just brush it off as fast i can and just avoid her and a possible another heartbreak if she finds someone after the guy she's dating.