WOW! almost impossible to grasp!

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Hey all! I'm new here but my problem is a familiar one. I have been with my lady for 13 years now! During this time we have both had one incident where we started to "hang out" with another person. Neither of us ever got sexual with our "other" persons. Both of these "things" happened 5 years ago. I am 29, she is 28 and we have been each others firsts for everything thus far.
It's always (with those two exceptions) been a completely committed and respect bound relationship. Which is not to say we haven't had challenges! More than likely we've probably seen a little bit of everything by now. We've overcome all kinds of adversities and challenges in our time together. We've never hit or cursed one another (EVER!) We've enjoyed a healthy and abundant sex life, common interests, mutual friends, and all the other quality things you'd expect to find in a relationship of this duration.
Yet we've always had a problem with communication, at least on my end. This has steadily gotten better as the years pass but by no means is it perfect even today. It just occured to me that I have yet to say what is going on!! To put is short, she has moved out, and is considering breaking it off for good.
This all came to pass over the last 52 days. And prior to that, things were shaky but completely mendable if my eyes would have been more open. See, I was working three jobs for the last 9 months trying to better our position on home ownership and debt. and this kept me away for almost every hour of the week. I grew distant, or numb as I would describe it - to life in general, not just her and I, and damn sure not intentionally!
But none the less, it happened. As a result of my absence she grew resentfull and felt unattractive and unappreciated. Over the course of many months the pain she was feeling caused her to "callous" over inside. She came to a decision that I had checked out on her and just hadn't said anything! So she positioned herself emotionally for that hit and made the move herself. Like I say, it's been 52 days of hit and miss phone calls, and visits. We still consider ourselves to be b/f & g/f and are not seeing other people. But she is not ready to jump into "us" at the same level she was before, and I on the other hand am ready to make more solid plans than before.
I am basicaly waiting around for her to figure herself out. Which to date has still not happened. She says she's still not compelled to go one direction or the other with this. And on top of that she's said that off and on for the last 5 years she's had this nagging feeling that the grass may be greener on the other side, and that admittedly she has felt it increasing in intensity during the last year. Our most challenging year to date! In the past she says she's always been able to bounce back to a feeling of wholeness w/ me. And that at present, she still doesn't want marriage, or children w/ anyone but me, just that she's not willing to make that committment right now.
She says she couldn't have designed, or handpicked better man for herself. But that she feels as though she's missed out on that part of life where people in their teens and early twenties party and date and have roommates. And since she's always been in a committed relationship w/ me was unable to do these things. And this is the itch she's fighting right now. Wether to scratch that itch, or to hold onto what her and I have? She wonders if she'll regret not having had these experiences when she's 50. So we're in a certain state of limbo right now. It is really hard on me to just sit and wait. What advice or opinions to you all have on this?

good god paragraphs are your friend.

Wow, yeah that relationship was way too long for starting that early in age. I'm surprised you two never got married after that long.

The only thing you can do, is let her have her time. These types of situations are hard. I don't want to say she's having doubts but with her not having those single years she did miss out on some things that she may be wanting to experience. I hate telling people they have to wait around for others but you need to go by how you feel and how you want to handle all this.

Tough one dude. It's got to be hard finding that level of relationship at such a young age. Theres a lot to be said for playing the field and sewing wild oats

How many of you think that based on what I've shared above that I should bow out gracefully at this point? And hope that she comes around again after some time has passed. Or should I give this every opportunity to grow again and just hang in there untill it becomes crystal clear that she is more of the "toss in the towel" mindset?

hold on matey.. shes special, its worth it...

just dont dwell on it, no point in being miserable about it, 13 years is alot to loose.

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Originally Posted by bbb

How many of you think that based on what I've shared above that I should bow out gracefully at this point? And hope that she comes around again after some time has passed. Or should I give this every opportunity to grow again and just hang in there untill it becomes crystal clear that she is more of the "toss in the towel" mindset?

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That's too big a question for me to comment. Do what you feel is best.

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Originally Posted by cheazypeaz

hold on matey.. shes special, its worth it...

just dont dwell on it, no point in being miserable about it, 13 years is alot to loose.

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Yeah, my heart and head are telling me to hold on, I'm just worried that I don't see it with as much clarity as someone from the outside, looking in may have. I'd hate to think that I'm holding onto someone who's already let go and just hasn't said it yet? or that I'm so blinded by my desire to make it work that I'm not picking up on subtle hints that most others would catch. I guess she's kinda layed it out for me pretty clearly though. She says she isn't ready to walk out on it, or get fully involved again. Just wait then is all I guess I can do untill she decides. DAMN it's a tough spot to be in!!

go and have fun mate, live those missed teenage memories!!

My mother got married at 18, so she has always encouraged me to "live" my prime years, so to speak. I'm now only 22 and my mum comments on how I've done a lot more than not only a lot of people my age, but people her age too. So yes, I can understand your g/f concern about whether she has truly lived her youth.

If you still consider yourselves to be b/f and g/f, maybe you guys need to see what you can do together that will be an extreme change from the norm and spice things up again. Maybe travel, go work o/s for a year or so...I know it sounds earier said the done, but I know people who have given up excellent jobs etc just so they could travel...and it was always the best thing I ever did!

However, there is a popular saying (which I can't remember exactly) and it basically says that if you let someone go and they come back to you, then they are definitely yours; and if they don't, they were never yours to keep.

I have to say I really don't think she's going to disappear. She may go out and have her fun, but she will realize what she truly misses in life. Being with someone for that legnth of time and knowing each other like you guys do, I don't think she's going to go very far from you.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

I have to say I really don't think she's going to disappear. She may go out and have her fun, but she will realize what she truly misses in life. Being with someone for that legnth of time and knowing each other like you guys do, I don't think she's going to go very far from you.

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I've heard that a couple of times now and can only say that if it does slip away from me, I hope that's how it goes. We have what we both consider to be an exceptional relationship. even with all our differences and struggles. She (I too) feels like all the qualities that we are looking for in our life partners is there. The only way I can rationalise or make any sense of her thoughts at present is by telling myself she's confused and needs a little space........and maybe more than will be comfortable for me to give [yikes!] :horror: This is a bad place to be, I've been so happy and comfortable for so many years. I have a new found sense of empathy for anyone in the dating world. I'm haven't exactly been dumped yet, but can already tell that it sucks a great deal! I applaud those of you who have made it through this kind of thing. It certainly seems as though it has the capability to break a person down.

Well your doing the right thing by thinking of both case scenarios. And preparing for it to go either way but even with all that in mind. Like the saying goes..if you let someone go, and they come back to you..It's meant to be! I really feel for you on this one and I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted ok!

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

Well your doing the right thing by thinking of both case scenarios. And preparing for it to go either way but even with all that in mind. Like the saying goes..if you let someone go, and they come back to you..It's meant to be! I really feel for you on this one and I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted ok!

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She knows that I have an appt. w/ a counselor (my first time) on the sixth. She just had a sit down w/ hers on thursday the 1st. That night when she spoke w/ me she said, out of nowhere, "I think you should set up an appt. for the two of us to see your conselor" She wants to do a couples counseling session. This sounds promising to me?

Sounds promising to me as well. Looks like she wants to work on the relationship or at least find out what would be best for the two of you.

Today is the first session as a couple. I am incredibly sick to my stomach. I've never done any type of counseling and don't know what to expect or say when I get there. It's so strange going from living w/ her for the last 9-10 years to now living separately and meeting at a counselors office! I just never would have imagined times like these :-( Incredibly sad about the grim outlook. I am so in love with this woman that it's just not reality to me most days that I could possibly have lost her for good by now. I need some serious hugs.

LOL... *hugs*

Ona different note though, she obviously ahs some things on her mind that you guys need to work on and she is willing to do that through a counselor which is a really good sing. I know you love her and with knowing that I'm sure you guys can get through this. You guys have been togheter for a long time and she's obviously not wanting to walk away from that.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

LOL... *hugs*

Ona different note though, she obviously ahs some things on her mind that you guys need to work on and she is willing to do that through a counselor which is a really good sing. I know you love her and with knowing that I'm sure you guys can get through this. You guys have been togheter for a long time and she's obviously not wanting to walk away from that.

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There wasn't any counseling, as I imagined it to be. The counselor just asked us a load of Q's about our past and why we were there. She got all the info she needed and concluded by asking "I assume you are both here because you want to work this out?" I of course said "absolutely", christy said "I'm on the fence". Then she called me this morning saying that last night was very hard on her (just thinking things over) and that she is quite bummed this morning. She wants to come over and talk this evening........I'm just a little bit nervous. I think she may suggest a separation tonight? I'm trying to prepare for this. Damn it sucks though! If that's what she's thinking of doing, there's probably not a lot I can say or do to change her mind is there?! :horror:

No, there's not.

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Originally Posted by Junsui

No, there's not.

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I am thinking that as hard as this is on both of us (not knowing) that maybe the separation is a good thing? I'd like to think there's a way to work this out without it though.

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Originally Posted by bbb

I am thinking that as hard as this is on both of us (not knowing) that maybe the separation is a good thing? I'd like to think there's a way to work this out without it though.

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It's now been 59 days of the same ol same. She still isn't sure she wants to separate, or come back together. The decision and process leading to it is very hard for not only myself, but for her as well. Would it be wiser to just agree to separate at this point? Just for our sanity at this point, if for no other reason. As a woman, is this something she may respect more from me than all the love letters and reaching for her back?
More space maybe? just to let her sort herself out, without the pressure of feeling as though she needs to report to me daily? I don't want her to think that I'd be letting go and walking away though. This is nothing that I really want to have happen. She's supposed to see her individual counselor the first of next week to discuss our couples session. Then we're supposed to (maybe) have another session together the following week.
This of course depends on what she wants to say this evening, and largely on what kinds of things her and her counselor talk about?
So I'm wondering if I should cool my jets here and wait for all that to roll out as it will? or tell her that I would agree to a separation for now?

Do you even know why she wants to seperate from you? I mean the real reason. Has she even mentioned it to you? I imagine a lot of things will come out tonight but I'm talking prior to all this stuff.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

Do you even know why she wants to seperate from you? I mean the real reason. Has she even mentioned it to you? I imagine a lot of things will come out tonight but I'm talking prior to all this stuff.

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Are you suggesting that the reasons she's presented me thus far may not be the real reasons? That maybe there is something else I should push her to give me in the way or reason why? I'm not sure wether or not you've read my previous posts leading up to this one. But in a few of those I've written the thoughts and feelings (or reasons) she's being guided by in this decision making process. :sad2: One of the main reasons she's telling me the separation sounds so appealing right now is because she's not comfortable seeing me in all the pain in depression that her indecision is causing. So she feels like some kind of decision may be better than none at all?

Sounds like a cop-out bbb. There's more than meets the I. I got the same excuse when my Ex moved away last May. "It's not fair to me to be in a relationship while she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't know when she will" Now she never even talks to me; last I checked we were to remain friends.

Sorry I remembered most of that but somehow forgot some key points. I think she's on the fence with all this because it's been developing in her mind for so long and the things that bothered her didn't get significantly better but worse. So with you working towards things even though it was for both of you she felt pushed even further away, which is why she may now be craving her alone time. If I was in the this situation I would keep tryint a little more just because of that window "being on the fence" and putting forth an effort to make the necessary changes and grow togehter and stronger than before. It wouldn't be easy as she has been feelign this way for awhile and changes don't ahppen over night. Hopefully she has not made up her mind on moving on.

Out of curiousity have you guys had any discussion about marriage. even with all these issues ont he table do you know where she stands int hat aspect. I know you said you guys have said you only want each other for those things and can see it but have you ever really had the serious talk about doing it? I mean that may be something too, she may feel she's ready but with you not asking her she may feel the relationship may not be going anywhere else and this is just as far as you guys can go.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

Sorry I remembered most of that but somehow forgot some key points. I think she's on the fence with all this because it's been developing in her mind for so long and the things that bothered her didn't get significantly better but worse. So with you working towards things even though it was for both of you she felt pushed even further away, which is why she may now be craving her alone time. If I was in the this situation I would keep tryint a little more just because of that window "being on the fence" and putting forth an effort to make the necessary changes and grow togehter and stronger than before. It wouldn't be easy as she has been feelign this way for awhile and changes don't ahppen over night. Hopefully she has not made up her mind on moving on.

Out of curiousity have you guys had any discussion about marriage. even with all these issues ont he table do you know where she stands int hat aspect. I know you said you guys have said you only want each other for those things and can see it but have you ever really had the serious talk about doing it? I mean that may be something too, she may feel she's ready but with you not asking her she may feel the relationship may not be going anywhere else and this is just as far as you guys can go.

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Yes and no, Yes because I've asked her (4 weeks ago) what she'd say if I asked her to marry me. Her reply was "absolutely not" she said she couldn't imagine it right then because she didn't feel %100. But just three months ago the answer would have been yes?
No because we've never really had a "serious" talk about it. The one where I imagine you'd discuss where, when, and how you'd like to do it. What I'd give to now hear her say that she's even thinking of it as a possibility :(

It's hard to work on all this stuff when you aren't living together anymore and not talking as often as you were. I guess you basically have to wait to talk with her tonight to find out what she wants to say.. if she does say you guys need to seperate then you'll have to go with it. But if she says.. "if these things were different" or expresses discontent with certain things that your awilling to change (both of you willing to change) then express that to her. I really wish you the best on this. I don't know what else I can tell you without knowing what she will say tonight. I would just go with your heart and say what you feel you need to say tonight.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

It's hard to work on all this stuff when you aren't living together anymore and not talking as often as you were. I guess you basically have to wait to talk with her tonight to find out what she wants to say.. if she does say you guys need to seperate then you'll have to go with it. But if she says.. "if these things were different" or expresses discontent with certain things that your awilling to change (both of you willing to change) then express that to her. I really wish you the best on this. I don't know what else I can tell you without knowing what she will say tonight. I would just go with your heart and say what you feel you need to say tonight.

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Thanks :D
I went home on lunch break and wrote out some frustrations I'd like to share with her on how she's contributed to this. And a few things I'd like her to know otherwise. But especially if she is going to choose to go the other direction. I am getting that sick stomach again......the closer it gets to five o'clock :horror:

Good, that always helps the thought process a little. But remember don't attack with those just add that these are also helping the negative things as well.. I think you'll be ok.. just remember to add in lots of positive things as well, you don't want her to get the idea your blaming her.

It's good that the two of you are still talking. I do want to warn you, though you've probably figured out already, that counseling doesn't necessarily mean she wants to work things out. I went to counseling when I thought of separating with my ex. I basically went to use my counselor as a sounding board and see if my reasons really made sense. I even had my ex come to one of my sessions.

Also, remember that you two are still young! She hints that she wants to experience more... maybe you should think about doing that yourself?

Also, be careful if she does agree to get back together with you because she doesn't want to see you so sad and depressed. Pity-love is worse than no love. And a relationship built on pity-love won't work! I have fallen into that trap and learned the hard way.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

Good, that always helps the thought process a little. But remember don't attack with those just add that these are also helping the negative things as well.. I think you'll be ok.. just remember to add in lots of positive things as well, you don't want her to get the idea your blaming her.

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Well rosebud, A long drawn out ordeal comes to a close I guess :(
Christy decided to end our long, long, long relationship on wednesday night.
She cited such things as our personalities being (at the same time) to different and to alike? And that she feels like we've evolved into more of a sibling type of relationship than anything else. Due to the age at which we met and all the years spent together.

It feels really bad to have someone give up on something so great after so many years and challenges have already been overcome. It feels like above all else.........she just quit trying!? I guess the way I see it is. If you really, REALLY! want something to work, and commit yourself to it! then there's no problem to large to overcome? Especially in the name of love?

Because by her own admission (unless it's a lie?) I'm the best thing in her world and she couldn't imagine a life w/ anyone else. So why wouldn't someone keep fighting for that? I don't know,......maybe I'm to much of an idealist. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world, but I never imagined her and I ever calling it quits.

At this point though.......it is what it is I guess. I asked her if she was open to the idea of us coming together again in the future? She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. She just said that it wouldn't be in the next six weeks or anything like that. So I wonder what to do with that type of info?

Even as she was walking out my door for the last time, I told her that my heart and the door would always be open to her. And that I loved her. She said she loved me also and drove off. We have had no contact now for what seems like years and it's only been three days. Prior to this we had never gone a day or two without at least hearing one anothers voice.

Would you say that it would be best to move on at this point as though her and I would never reconnect again? or to continue on at a more conservative rate? I can't stomach the thought of dating, or being "casually" intimate with another woman. It steel feels like (even just thinking it) that would be cheating on christy.

You might do well for YOURSELF to move on as if you'll never reconnect. It's not in your hands anyway.

"What'cha gonna do now? You've got no one to give your love to."

An interesting position. One which can also be very rewarding. If you let it.

Honey I really feel for you on this one. I can't even imagine what you could be going through after all that time. But the best is to move on without thinking you might reconnect in the future. If you don't, your always going to be waiting for her and you can't do that to yourself.

True you don't have to date anyone or do anything like that. But you need time to get over all this. Focus on yourself and do things for you that will make you feel good. Hang out with some friends or take a vacation.. also make some goals for yourself to accomplish one by one to gradually get back into being single. I know it's going to be hard but you have to start somewhere and I wish you all the luck in this.

This is a tough one. You've been together for so long and it is always painful to let go. I think the approach you should take is that you respect that this is what she wants but....with all of our choices come consequences. And the fact is; that you will also be taking the steps to move on with your life. It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and even though this is a new experience for you, you have the inner strength to handle it. Just take it a day at a time, look to your future, try not to focus on the past. Your future holds the key to new beginnings. I know you may not believe it now but, as time goes by, if you allow yourself the time, you will get beyond this hurt, you will be a stronger, better person for it and you will without question, have a bright happy future. Focus on what you want out of life!