Not Sure About Bisexuality (a bit lengthy a story)
Ok, I am in a very confused state right now. It isn't one thing in particular, but a bunch of things that has made me question so much. First off, I have been very unlucky with women. I am always the nicest, greatest man they ever met (according to them). I can get along more easily with women than with men, and though I have a strong attraction to them, I can never gain more than a friendship from women.
You see, I am a very sensitive person, extremely caring, I like to read and talk and I love cooking for people. I have no ego that I push against people and am very passive, so especially I am the complete opposite of the alpha-male. Which is what most women want(for whatever reason; since so many say they want the sweet, kind man who will treat them like gold).
Anyway, my problem really began a couple of years ago when I went to a spa, it was a birthday gift. I met a hairdresser named Victor and he was so amazingly nice. For days after I was completely infatuated by him. But, it wasn't in a sexual way (Ill get to that reason in a second), but it was more than someone you meet who is nice and you think about seeing them again sometime. He really clung on to me for a while.
Ok, the big block in all this is what happened to me a VERY long time ago. When I was 6, for a period of 2 months, I was sexually abused by a 15-year-old boy in the neighbourhood. He would take me to this forested place and sodomize me. These occurances happened probably every 3 days or so. One time, when he was done, he pushed me to the ground, laid on top of me so I couldn't move, and thrusted a crowbar into my knee and said if I told anyone about what was happening he would do worse...at which time he twisted the end of the bar and ripped a huge hole in my knee. I had to go to the hospital for loads of stitches and I still have the large scar to this day on my knee.
I'm 29 now, and have only been in one female relationship, and only had 3 female sexual partners in my life (all VERY short-term relations...but all remaining friends). I am an extreme shy person, but like I said, when I actually get to know someone, especially women, they tend to love me but only as a friend. So, when you get to this point you start to wonder about things. About if there is something more out there than a female relationship.
Last month, I went to the hair salon (my mother treated me, since I was in such a terrible state with other issues, including my continued loneliness) and I met an amazing guy named Benoit. I also met Pierre. My 15 minute haircut lasted over an hour and a half because our conversations were so easy flowing, great and interesting. I felt more at ease talking with them about anything than I can with some of my best friends. I also left the place on such an amazing high. A joy I hadn't felt in years.
So, I am now somewhat confused, but very interested in exploring perhaps a bisexual lifestyle. Maybe it is the constant loneliness that has pushed me to go to this extreme, or maybe it is more. I don't know. I don't know if it is the horrible experience from the past that is blocking things, the fact I am a shy enough person as it is without now having to face a new world that is often critical and hateful of people who are different (even though it is 2006 and are more accepted, you still hear of gay bashings).
I was wondering if anyone could relate, provide insight to experiences they may have had when they dealt with bi-sexuality for the first time, and suggest how I should begin to look at this. From a sexual point of view, I am not there yet. Only seeing men who I have been fascinated with, both gay and straight. I am more towards personality (in females, so perhaps in males as well), which may explain why I am not seeing someone like a hot guy and wondering about sexual things. I really can't explain it. Anyway, thanks for any advice.
