i'm shaking with confusion and anger

my girlfriend and i have been best friends for 5 years and we've been dating on and off for 2. we've been together now for 8 months and when we went out 8 months ago, we decided this was no longer casual and we were commiting. we're basically the perfect couple and we're happy and everythings perfect but guess what.. trouble in paradise.

while i'm away at college (70 miles from home, and her) we always have problems. we have trouble keeping good active conversations and some sort of hostility always errupts. i usually commute back every other weekend and visit her.

just recently we had some of the worst problems we've ever had. both of us were angry at eachother and we were hardly on speaking terms. nothing was going smoothly and we were both considering a break from one another but neither of us had the willpower to do it. we just wanted to stay together and work through it. i was completely willing to give her the space she wanted so we could both just think things through.

now she's like.. the classic beautiful girl. she always has guys after her, whether they be ex's or just peers. when we broke up the last time, it was really rough. she had gone away on vacation and come back. she got to know a guy while on vacation really well, although she never did anything with him. she came back, we argued about random shit, and we broke up and stayed broken up for awhile. eventually we got back together and although i never fully trusted her again, I had still trusted her more than i trusted anyone else. you all know as well as I do how important trust is.

well this past week when we were having our big troubles, and i was away at college, this guy who shes friends with came to visit her and hang out with her for a day. they went to the mall, ect. I never knew about this until now. apparently throughout the day they were really close and she kissed him a few times. he sent her long email after long email about how much he loved her and how amazing she makes him feel, and while she liked him back, she didnt love him, and most certainly not enough to leave me. well somehow i found out that this happened, and in my book, cheating is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. I called her and got her to admit to these things happening and then i got pissed and yelled and i told her i had to think abotu stuff and she should call me tomorrow.

i just want to know what you guys think. i basically joined this forum because i dont know anyone here and i needed to get this off my chest, but i cant talk to my friends because none of them want me in the relationship anyway (they all want me to be single so i can just **** around in college, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what i want.)

I want to stay with her because im in love her and i know shes just as in love with me, but she's broken this trust that has taken almost 2 years for her to get back. i just feels like a gunshot to the heart. i know what happened happened out of anger and during a time when we were really on rocks, but its still so hard for me to fathom. she never seemed like the time to do this type of thing. my hearts been just beat to shit and I dont know what to do. so tell me what you think. should i stay with her, knowing that she broke the trust and try to give her another shot or should i leave her because she did something that can never fully be repaired. i know how bad she feels about it and as much as ive always preached that cheating is the end of the line and you cant take someone back after they do something like that to you, she's the only thing i've ever wanted in life and i literally cant picture myself 10 years down the line with kids and a family and her not being there.

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Originally Posted by d-res

I want to stay with her because im in love her and i know shes just as in love with me, but she's broken this trust that has taken almost 2 years for her to get back.

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Well first off, welcome to LF!!!

Second, I was in the somewhat same situation and I joined LF for help and advice as well so know this. You will get advice on what you are dealing with.

Third, I quoted that specific part to bestow upon you the best thing you will ever hear that was bestowed to me. If, and when you love someone. You trust them 100% otherwise you aren't really sure if your in love. Maybe it is just really strong infatuation? Shakespeare : True love is never easy (I think, correct me if I'm wrong). Talk to her instead of brooding about everything and letting it all come out in anger. Talk about every little feeling you have when you have it otherwise it just wont work. That's all I can say for now (It's 3AM and a school night). Good luck and farewell.

~Josh

i know its not infatuation. i may not be 40 and full of relationship stories and advice, but i've experienced A LOT in my 18 years. i've been in every relationsihp there is. i know the difference between infatuation and "high school" love and i know the difference between "high school" love and real love. what i feel for her is undoubtedly real. trust for me is huge and i suppose its not that i dont trust her, but that i dont trust other guys.. single guys especially. i'm fully aware of what they're capable of and i'm fully aware of what they think about 90% of the day, having been one myself.

Perhaps what i didnt mention is this guy that she kissed.. cant believe i'm even typing this right now.... the guy she kissed recently got off of a big relationship and from what i've heard, he really wants her back but my gf was there and talked to him and presented moral support. i think he just really liked that and it drove him to think that "she's the one" and that he should just disrespect the fact that she's in a relationship and try to force himself into her life. i was completely aware of the fact that he "loved" her and i was cool with it as long as he was respectful, but he wasnt. i'm not an irrational guy, but this was really a punch in the face to me. i can honestly say i sent him some rather mean messages. i think the only thing thats really holding me back from breaking up with my girlfriend is that she told him tonight before all this unfolded that they were just friends and could never be more than that.

btw thanks for the welcome and the advice.

Well, I myself in my 16 years (you have me beat yes) have experienced quite alot. I'll be the first to tell you that between those two years someone you aren't as naive as I. That's what everyone here thinks. I myself know the difference between infatuation, high school love, and real love. Your welcome btw. See ya around.

~Josh

This will sound a bit harsh, so I apologize in advance.

You are both kids. This relationship was doomed from the start since most people do not end up marrying their childhood sweetheart. You are way, WAY too young to be thinking about a girl in a marital way regardless of how much "experience" you believe you have. Males are generally not ready for marriage until they are pushing 30, and even then, lots of them aren't ready.

Your college buddies are right to some extent. While I don't condone flagrant promiscuity, I do think you ought to be focusing more on your personal development and less on such intensity in a realtionship. It looks to me like you are trying to force a fit where one doesn't necessarily exist.

d-res-----"....I dont know what to do. so tell me what you think. should i stay with her, .......give her another shot or should i leave her because she did something that can never..."

I don't think age is the issue. Humans pretty much feel the same. Hurt is hurt, regardless of age. The best advise I can think of is:
*Don't make any decisions now
*Cool off. Calm down. You need space. Distance from her. To think things through.
*You can't think when you're angry and you might say or do something you'll regret later.
*Give it 2 weeks. Than make a decision from there.

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Originally Posted by shh!

This will sound a bit harsh, so I apologize in advance.

You are both kids. This relationship was doomed from the start since most people do not end up marrying their childhood sweetheart. You are way, WAY too young to be thinking about a girl in a marital way regardless of how much "experience" you believe you have. Males are generally not ready for marriage until they are pushing 30, and even then, lots of them aren't ready.

Your college buddies are right to some extent. While I don't condone flagrant promiscuity, I do think you ought to be focusing more on your personal development and less on such intensity in a realtionship. It looks to me like you are trying to force a fit where one doesn't necessarily exist.

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thanks for the advice, even though i've heard that same thing 100000 times from 100000 people. honestly though, i dont think i gave you nearly enough personal details about us and our history together. even so, you probably would have said that anyway. I know i sound ignorant when i claim to have as much experience as i do and i'm sure i can go on and on about how mature i am for my age and you'd still probably draw the same conclusion. fact is,regardless of statistics and all the facts and figures floating around, it doesnt matter how old you are. by the time you hit puberty, emotions are emotions and feelings are feelings. whether you've had enough experience to know one from the other may be in question, even though, i have, whether you believe i do or not. I can love someone just as much as somebody twice my age. i'm perfectly able to realize what this feeling is and how its affecting my daily life and how i feel when i'm with a person or not with a person. if there is greater love and i DO stick with this relationship forever, and never achieve this supposed "greater love" that exists, it doesnt matter because what i feel is all i know and if what i feel is perfection, then i couldnt possibly want or ask for anything more.

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Originally Posted by Chlorine

*Cool off. Calm down. You need space. Distance from her. To think things through.
*You can't think when you're angry and you might say or do something you'll regret later.
*Give it 2 weeks. Than make a decision from there.

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thanks. i know what you mean. i actually am quite the conversationalist and i've learned over the years that anger wont solve much. again, regardless of my age, i am mature enough to handle this like any other person can. in fact i drove home just a few hours ago and when my girlfriend gets out of school she's coming over and we're going to talk about it, like civilized adults. we're going to discuss every painful detail and talk about how we feel about one another and this other guy and see what we can do to try and smooth things out. she has always had problems communicating, ESPECIALLY during confrontation, so it's going to be difficult, but i'm going to be mature and completely supportive so that she feels comfortable telling me things. it'll hurt when she gives me every painful detail, but i will handle with respect and care and then think about it and respond. i'm not going to yell or be irrational. i'm going to straight up allow her to be honest with me. i only see her a couple days every 2 or 3 week and i want to know that i can trust her when i'm away at school. more or less i need to find out what her intentions were and how she feels about the situation now and what she wants to do to try and make things better between us. she knows itll be a long time before i can trust her again to any extent but i'm going to make it as easy as possible to open up and be honest.

i'll update tonight after her and i talk

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Originally Posted by TheOneAndOnlyX

Well, I myself in my 16 years (you have me beat yes) have experienced quite alot. I'll be the first to tell you that between those two years someone you aren't as naive as I. That's what everyone here thinks. I myself know the difference between infatuation, high school love, and real love. Your welcome btw. See ya around.

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blahahaha - are you SERIOUS?

DutchyBoy - take some notes - now THIS GUY IS FUNNY!

The guy who claims to love a girl he's never MET IN REAL LIFE knows the difference between infatuation, high school (which he's still in) love, and REAL LOVE.

bwahahahahaha

Tell it like it is Tone

I'm in your shoes right now man, sort of. My fiance left me three and a half weeks ago, and I have same standarts you do, I think that cheating is the end of the line too! And no matter how much I love her, I wouldn't be able to take her back if she did this to me. So far I know she doesn't date anybody but if she does, she won't be able to comeback and I told her that. Once female does something like this she is no longer interrested in you, think about it, why would she kiss and cuddle with someone else if there's you? I had a slightly different situaton, but whenever we were together, things were fine, when we apart, she was a *****, nagging, mad all the time, was taking me apart and tried to sabotage our relationship over any little shit! So, she is your left overs that the other guy got. She has to go.

I think I need to know what / how you were fighting.

Because if the fight managed to threaten her security in the relationshp somehow, then her behavior may be more justified.

Be honest and specific.

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Originally Posted by clynn

I think I need to know what / how you were fighting.

Because if the fight managed to threaten her security in the relationshp somehow, then her behavior may be more justified.

Be honest and specific.

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i'll try to do as best as i can. like i said she has a lot of problems with confrontation. say, for example, that something about us really annoyed me. lets just say she's flirtatious. she's really isn't but just for examples sake. if i try to talk to her about it, she does three things. first she's silent. she never gives her input. she just keeps it all inside. second if i ask her what she thinks, she says either "i dont know" or "i have nothing to say." its literally like clockwork. now this directly relates to some of the troubles we've been having. throughout her life she's never been one to give her opinions. she listens to what she's told and does it without too many objections. it probly comes from having a single dad in the military.

it hurts me so much that I of all people, the one whom she's committing so deeply to, cant even get her to open up. generally she holds everything down and then eventually it all comes out in droves and it's never a nice sight. everything thats been bothing her comes out at once and its never worded nicely. its always straightforward and direct. i feel that if she cant tell me whats wrong and she just holds it in, how am i supposed to make the neccesary changes to correct the problem? as much as i try, she still keeps things bottled up. i got her to buy a notebook so she could write down all of her feelings and this way she atleast gets them out. then if she's comfortable, she can share some of the stuff with me.

the week of january 23-27 we just couldnt agree on anything. i would ask her simple, non-invasive questions and she'd be angry and snotty and would just snap at me. eventually by the end of the week i was fed up. since she has trouble telling me straight up whats wrong, i wrote her an email. she wrote back telling me all the things that were bothering her and as big or as small as the issue was, it wasnt nice to read. i emailed her back. she said things such as she had felt i had denied her of a social life and that when we're together she wants us to go out with other people (double dates, etc) but i always seem reluctant. i told her i would cool. i would be trusting and would give her some space. i wouldnt be so "over-protective" and i would just let her do her own thing. she told me she needed some space and i should call her before the weekend was up. she called me about 3 times throughout that weekend but she was very vague about what she'd been up to. apparently this is when all this went down. i'm not 100% sure that this was the weekend but im 99% sure.

the next week we were still a bit rocky, but i was trying to be cool and understanding. i came home that weekend like i always do every few weekends and while it was nice, we didnt seem to get along. we couldnt decide on anything to do and we would get angry at eachother and even though she was pissed she would hold my hand, kind of teary-eyed and fiddle with the ring on her left ring finger, like she always does when we have troubles (its not an engagement ring. its actually a ring her mom gave her a long time ago but she wheres it there as sort of a reminder of our "unofficial" engagement.)

i drove back to my apartment this past sunday thinking everything was ok. we talked on the phone and we got in a little argument again but we both decided we were being rediculous. then last night we were talking on the phone and everything was going great. we were having good conversations and we both seemed happy. i sat down to study and told her i'd call her when i was done. throughout the night i really grew bored and surfin the internet, just lookin at random stuff. back at the beginning of our relationship we exchanged email passwords. she checks mine on occasion and i check hers. i check hers mostly because one of her ex's just wont let go and is always emailing her trying to be friendly. i dont think anything of it. its never a problem. i know she isnt going to get back together with him so i dont feel threatened. Well i tried her email half a dozen times and her password wasnt right. i knew she musta changed it, and although i knew what she changed it to, it really bothered me that she did. why would she unless she had something to hide? i know it was kinda sneeky of me, but she's fully aware that i have access to that and i'm fully aware she has access to mine. its not like anything we have on there is ever private and neither of us look at it as an invasion of privacy. i saw like 5 emails from this kid that i knew liked her and my heart started beating. i never jumped to any conclusions, i was just angry that he was so persistent even tho he knew she was in a relationship. i openeded one, it was a meaningless survey, opened another, another survey. opened one more with the subject like "hey sweetie" and saw a huge letter. i started skimming over it and i saw words like kiss and hug and goosebumps and i was just like... what.. the ****. i read it more closely and called her asking her what all this meant. at first she played it off as nothing but she knew she was caught and admitted to it.

she says that the reason she's been so snotty lately was because of this whole thing. she felt so guilty for doing it but she couldnt tell me because she didnt want to lose me. she said that it happened when we were really angry with eachother and i accept that because i think atleast it wasnt just any time during our relationship. it was when we were having problems.

i'm stuck at such a crossroads. im in love with her so much and i know that she feels the same but i really wanna know why she would do something, regardless if we were mad at eachother, that would seriously jeopardize our whole future together.

anyway she's gonna be here in like half an hour and we're going to talk about all this. i'll update.

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Originally Posted by d-res

thanks for the advice, even though i've heard that same thing 100000 times from 100000 people. honestly though, i dont think i gave you nearly enough personal details about us and our history together. even so, you probably would have said that anyway. I know i sound ignorant when i claim to have as much experience as i do and i'm sure i can go on and on about how mature i am for my age and you'd still probably draw the same conclusion. fact is,regardless of statistics and all the facts and figures floating around, it doesnt matter how old you are. by the time you hit puberty, emotions are emotions and feelings are feelings. whether you've had enough experience to know one from the other may be in question, even though, i have, whether you believe i do or not. I can love someone just as much as somebody twice my age. i'm perfectly able to realize what this feeling is and how its affecting my daily life and how i feel when i'm with a person or not with a person. if there is greater love and i DO stick with this relationship forever, and never achieve this supposed "greater love" that exists, it doesnt matter because what i feel is all i know and if what i feel is perfection, then i couldnt possibly want or ask for anything more.

i'll update tonight after her and i talk

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I don't think anyone said you were too young to feel the way you do, they said you were too young to be focusing on such a serious relationship at this point in your life. The age your at now you should be focusing on your schooling and what you want to make of your life via career, etc..not trying to figure outt eh feamle mind and how to change someone to ahve a stronger relationship.

Aside from that, you can't change anyone. She doesn't talk and never has openly about her feelings, why would you be any different? It could be a lot of things but mostly this is on her not you, and I doubt very much she will change.

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Originally Posted by Tone

blahahaha - are you SERIOUS?

DutchyBoy - take some notes - now THIS GUY IS FUNNY!

The guy who claims to love a girl he's never MET IN REAL LIFE knows the difference between infatuation, high school (which he's still in) love, and REAL LOVE.

bwahahahahaha

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notes taken. Damn you're easy with flinging around judgement.....seen Only_Virgins do it, but I reckon he's just some bloke who feels like he needs to vent some of his real life frustrations on the net. You on the other hand I would've thought a bit better from reading your other posts. Ah well, who gives a crap anyway.

In reply to the OP, I'd consider cheating the end of the line as well. The fact that you have strong feelings for her is pretty logical seeing as you have yourself invested in the relationship to a very high degree. I think trust is the basis of a long term relationship, and when that's broken, there's a whole lot of work to be done to rework a semblance of the relationship you had before the issue. What you should ask yourself is if you think it's worth it to work for a relationship that probably isn't going to feel like it used to. If you are willing to make that compromise, then by all means go for it. Personally I don't think I could, even when knowing full well what kind of hurt lurks around the corner when deciding to break up the relationship.

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Originally Posted by Tone

blahahaha - are you SERIOUS?

DutchyBoy - take some notes - now THIS GUY IS FUNNY!

The guy who claims to love a girl he's never MET IN REAL LIFE knows the difference between infatuation, high school (which he's still in) love, and REAL LOVE.

bwahahahahaha

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Bahahaha, and wait till humanity actually finds out the truth that all three of those are all one and the same thing hahahaha.

This thread is getting pretty mean.

OP, you state in the beginning of your first post that you guys are 'the perfect couple', but then everything you write after that negates that theory. A good, lasting relationship, isn't about having to "fix" all each others problems, and MAKE one another compatible. Things look like they've been shaky for too long, and I'd shit a brick if my gf kissed another guy, so you really have to ask yourself if its worth all the trouble of trying to work everything out, or just giving up now and actually trying to find someone who is right for you.

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Originally Posted by DutchBoY

notes taken. Damn you're easy with flinging around judgement.....seen Only_Virgins do it, but I reckon he's just some bloke who feels like he needs to vent some of his real life frustrations on the net. You on the other hand I would've thought a bit better from reading your other posts. Ah well, who gives a crap anyway.

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Did you even READ who/what I was quotting?? I wasn't quotting the Original Poster who was venting his problems, I was quotting the cocky little 16 year old kid who was giving the OP shit, saying he can call him 'naive' because he's had so much experience in his 16 years of life and knows what REAL LOVE is.

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins

Bahahaha, and wait till humanity actually finds out the truth that all three of those are all one and the same thing hahahaha.

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Yes, says someone who's only ever experienced 1 of the 3.

Long distance relationships are unnatural and extremely difficult. You already have the strain of not seeing one another enough- not being able to trust her 100% is FATAL. Don't drag it out forever. End it before you hate her.