A letter that will not be sent

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12-02-06, 02:05 PM
orcabel

A letter that will not be sent

I miss you. I have been thinking about you all the time. I told myself that I will forget you as time passes. No matter how much I would like to pick up the phone to call you, I force myself not to. Because I know that disappointment will follow. I hope that everything has been going well for you. I am really worried that you will overwork and fall sick. I understand that your business is of utmost importance to you. You are driven to make it work. I feel excited for you. But I know I can never be there to provide support for you. I hope someone can be there for you.

Valentine's Day is coming. How are you going to spend it? Are you going to spend it with someone different? Perhaps, you will bury yourself with work. I hope it will be the latter. At least, I can lie to myself that you are burying yourself with work to forget me. For me, I am definitely burying myself with work. Will you know? Does it matter to you how is my life now? Do you know what I wish most now? I am wishing for a bouquet of roses from you on Valentine's Day. However, I can dream on. A dream that will never come true.

Now I feel that I am writing to a person who is dead. Or I am dead to you. I no longer exist in your world anymore. You are a ghost. I can feel your strong presence around me. When I try to reach for you, you vanish into thin air. Your sudden disappearance makes me feel lost. My life ceases at the instant when you decided to move to your next destinaton alone without me.

Why do you continue to return back to haunt me? I yearn for your physical closeness. This yearning is just wishful thinking on my part. I can only occupy myself with the memories that you have left me. You were generous. You never leave me with just a month of memories or a year of memories. You overwhelm me with seven years of memories that we spent together. How selfish are you!

I am like a diary where all the pages are full of you. Now, the pages are slowly torn off. Who am I now? You have left me with just the covers of the diary, just the shell. Now I have become a ghost of myself. My lifeless body carries on with the daily routines. To others, I appeared as a person filled with vigor and energy. Work seems to be therapeutic. But it cannot fill the void in my life now.

I know that I have to trudge on with my life. Do I have any choice? But it seems that each step I move forward, a greater pain pierced through my heart. And I feel that I am walking towards my grave. Perhaps I can come back and haunt you instead.
13-02-06, 04:46 AM
Fluffy

how long you've been together?....
13-02-06, 05:22 AM
clynn

If you read her original thread on this topic, I think it says it was 7 years or maybe 8. Very sad.
13-02-06, 06:40 AM
Gigabitch

Orcabel, you seem to be getting on with it. I know from reading your previous thread that you were just decimated by this breakup. I'm glad to see that you're pouring it out this way- it's the best way to heal, I think, and something I can't always do.

Please don't forget to take care of yourself (like remember to eat every day). Your heart is sooo broken... You too, Clynn.
13-02-06, 11:32 AM
clynn

Ah, gee, thanks for that GB. A broken heart always leaves me with no appetite so a reminder is great. Although, this time around I'm smarter and know that proper nourishment will help me feel a lot better than shedding a few pounds will. Not eating properly is bad. Therefore,.....even though I have zero appetite, I am forcing myself to eat...and to eat good healthy food as well.

Thanks again for the kind words. Back to studying I go. sigh.
13-02-06, 07:40 PM
orcabel

Thanks, people.Tomorrow will be Valentine's Day. The day that I dread most. If we are still together, we would be celebrating for the 8th year. I can't imagine spending Valentine's Day alone.

Basically, we have been through so many phases of our lives together. In the lapse of 7 years, I matured from a 20 year old student to a working adult. In the midst of these years, he was with me when I was very sick in the first year of my career. And he served his national service in army, started working, further his studies and started his business. No matter how tough things were going for us, we would make it a point to spend the special occasion together. Or he will make it a point to send me flowers if we can't meet up on the actual day.

Can I don't step out of my house? Can I stay in an enclosed area? I really cannot bear seeing blissful couples around me. I am happy for them. But I feel sad and uneasy. How am I going to pull through this day?
14-02-06, 12:41 AM
Gigabitch

I like the idea of staying home. You can control that environment, but then, that's where the phone is. Tough call.
14-02-06, 05:21 PM
aussieguy

sounds like your starting to move on, its all a greiving process now.
your doing really well! your being strong! keep writting it will help you.
moving on is simple but its what you leave behind that makes it difficult.

"hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable"

famous quote anyone know who said it?? :nerd:

your doing great!
keep smiling and keep your head up! :cool:
14-02-06, 05:25 PM
clynn

Was it the Wizard of Oz?????? to the Tin Man?
14-02-06, 06:26 PM
aussieguy

hahaha......what a guess! was it a guess?
15-02-06, 12:21 AM
Gigabitch

Orcabel, how ya doin'?
15-02-06, 12:37 AM
clynn

an educated guess. I'm a great fan of the Wizard of Oz. and was a munchkin in grade 3.
15-02-06, 12:39 AM
Tone

Quote:

Originally Posted by clynn

an educated guess. I'm a great fan of the Wizard of Oz. and was a munchkin in grade 3.

Please tell me you have pictures!
15-02-06, 12:45 AM
clynn

Hmmmm, can't say I do. Maybe my mum does.
15-02-06, 01:23 AM
TAVS

Wow; this is a powerful thread. Almost makes me tear up. Best of luck; stay strong.
15-02-06, 01:29 AM
Tone

Hmm, to be honest I didn't read the thread. But after TAVS posted that I went back and read it... and yeah, it is very sad.

:[

I wish I could give you a big hug, too, orcabel. Even though it wouldn't really help much. :[
18-02-06, 09:45 AM
orcabel

Thanks, people.
I'm trying my best to let go and move on.
I know it takes time.
We met up the last time to return each other some of the belongings.
I guess he will never be able to return to me what he has taken from me.
My whole heart is not complete anymore.

I also gave him a birthday present that is coming very soon.
Am I silly?
He wants us to continue to remain as friends.
I really can't do it, so I told him not to contact me anymore.
20-02-06, 08:43 PM
Kieran

Well done! DO NOT.. keep him as a friend.. it never ever works.. unless you have a hormone count of zero.

Tell him you've decided to go and work as a trapeze artist in Quebec.. then slam the door in his face.

I would advise some of the following; (advice is purely what I did)

Get on a chat room or something, helps having a bit of a flirt online but don't get too drawn in.

Night out.. even if it's with your family.

Write a list of all of the things you wanted to do before you met him and get back onto doing them!

There are lots of things I did to get through it but they are a few of them. Just try to look at it as a new start not an end.

You'll be fine.. it always hurts.. bad and it will for a good while but with a bit of the old determination you'll get through it..

Oh, Ben and Jerry's ice cream assists the healing process.. I prescribe four tubs a day for the first 2 months.

:D
20-02-06, 11:03 PM
Tone

Quote:

Originally Posted by orcabel

He wants us to continue to remain as friends.
I really can't do it, so I told him not to contact me anymore.

Best thing you could have done for yourself.

Good job, orca!

You're going to be just fine, I promise.
21-02-06, 12:56 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by orcabel

I guess he will never be able to return to me what he has taken from me.
My whole heart is not complete anymore.

I know it feels like that- you've been leaning on him and now you're completely off balance. However, your heart is yours, and it will heal. It really will!