Unloved in New York

My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for 5 months. Originally, we said it would just be a "break" and he wouldn't be against trying again if it happened for us. However, I was always in love with him but he comes from a home where it was never said/heard, and he once told me he's not sure he could ever say that to anyone. We were never friends first, we just met and started dating and it lasted for 10 1/2 months.

Last night, he finally told my friend the reason he doesn't want to get back together is because he liked me as a girlfriend "like that" but he didn't love me. And now, he thinks of me as a friend that he cares about, but he's "not really feelin it" about dating me again. I know I'll be his friend, but at the same time...I guess I'm wondering...can it ever happen for us again??? Right now, I'm just a friend to him--nothing more. I'm 19, he's 21 and he was my first real relationship, just as I was his second real relationship. His first one lasted 2 months and the girl treated him pretty badly, according to him.

Now, he wants to "see other pple" and he changed drastically. His sister confessed he might be bi-polar because he gets in really bad fits of anger, but hes not abusive, he had a rough childhood in elementary school. I just..I get the need to date around, see what else is out there...but...will I ever be the one he wants again??

I know that there's a chance he'll never say the words, "I love you" and I know it'll probably be a hard relationship to keep working at, but...he's worth it. I'm the one person in his life (so he's said) who treats him like an actual person, who cares about him, who loves him for who he is...I guess...I come from a home where we were kissed and hugged and loved. Before me...he didn't know how an actual hug felt because he said I taught him how to give good ones. =( I'm not ready to give up on him..

My question is...can his feelings ever re-develop for me? Or am I always gonna be just a friend???

MOREOVER::

There were a ton of issues in the relationship, thats part of what made it so difficult.

For starters, his self-esteem is really low because he was made fun of profusely as a kid. Moreover, he feels unwanted, he wants to join the Marines to release his anger, the past relationships are an important issue because the girls he was with either put him down, treated him like crap, and they all left him. For whatever reason, he has issues with intimacy, affection, and anything to do with emotion. We’d almost broken up once before and that was the one time he’d ever fully expressed how he feels abut me.

I ended the relationship, perhaps that’s an important factor. I ended it because I started to feel insecure, like he didn’t care about me anymore because he never wanted to talk, he just wanted to pretend things didn’t happen. It would “fix itself” and it never did, it just created a rift. Then, he’d feel like I was trying to get rid of him when I wanted to talk about what was going on with us, which would cause him to lash out and become even more angry and withdrawn.

Now, as friends, he's more open with me, he asks more about me (something he didn't do much when we were together), and he doesn't want a relationship. We talked about it recently, to each other not through friends, and he still believes he's "not good at getting girls." As friends…he’s nicer to me, we actually go places when we hang out. While we were dating, we’d just stay home, watch TV or movies, unless I’d pay. I didn’t mind, its just nice to actually do things together because it was always a sore spot for me that he didn’t want to try things I was into. After we broke up, he started explaining why he was the way he was: that he’s “bad in relationships,” that he really liked me, but was never sure how to show it.

Everyone has issues, and I know that he already knows he needs to work on his...but it still sucks because he says "we don't go well together" and "we don't get along." The only reason we don't get along is because in any relationship, there has to be communication. You can't just pretend things didn't happen, thats not healthy.

I just...I wish that I could help him. Why is it if he cares so much about me, if I'm the person he's so close to that he's cared about the most in his life...why can't he let me in?

Maybe it has something to do with intimacy. It's hard for someone like that to be open, at first, as I am just like him in my own way. Feelings can re-devlop as well disapear. I'd like to believe a chance always exists, but I am starting to re consider that myself. To be honest, tell him how you truly feel before it's too late.

First of all, I would like to point out that you have a very refreshing writing style. Out of the hundreds of teenage-angst filled net speaking idiots we see in any given time, it is nice to occasionally have someone on the boards who understands the basics of forming a sentence.

Second of all, as blatantly obvious as it is, you both need to realize that neither of you are experienced whatsoever in the field of relationships. Neither of you have experienced life or love or truly understand what it means to be with one another. This kid is still so wrapped up in blaming his past and his parents that he hasn't been able to move on in life and develop his own genuine feelings.

You are also very young and inexperienced. Something you will learn as you date and enter into relationships, is that no matter how great you think someone is, chances are they have issues. No matter how great and wonderful you think that average Joe is, chances are he is going to have problems, and the relationship isn't going to be perfect.

The real test of a relationship is whether or not the two of you are compatible and can stand to be with each other longer than a couple of months. You might think you are in love, but if after 3-12 months you realize you can't stand this person's problems, it is time to move on.

Which is what you did.

You need to wean yourself off of this guy and start looking for other guys out there. Stay friends with him if you wish, but true happiness is NEVER going to be with this guy. He is emotionally scarred, and until he finally grows up a little and experiences life, he will always wine and mope about how he "can't love anyone", which is essentially a cop out for not wanting to commit.

You seem like a smart girl, so I don't think I need to point this out but I will - This isn't the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Get out there and move on from him. The more you obsess and hang out with him and think about the relationship that "might have been" the harder it is going to be for you to progress into the next one.

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I just...I wish that I could help him. Why is it if he cares so much about me, if I'm the person he's so close to that he's cared about the most in his life...why can't he let me in?

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It doesn't matter. You are wasting your time trying to "help" someone that doesn't want to be helped. You have given him more than enough opportunity to be with you, and now it is time for you to progress.

Otherwise, plan for heartache and loneliness, as well as wasting away in a relationship that would be doomed anyhow with a guy who needs therapy.

Unloved in New York is a given.

Uncharacteristically compassionate post, Cy. Not much anyone could add that would be any more helpful.

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Originally Posted by Cybog

Otherwise, plan for heartache and loneliness, as well as wasting away in a relationship that would be doomed anyhow with a guy who needs therapy.

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shame i didn't ask your advice a long time ago. would have saved me three years of the above. but i probably wouldn't have listened anyhow. :(

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Originally Posted by Cybog

First of all, I would like to point out that you have a very refreshing writing style. Out of the hundreds of teenage-angst filled net speaking idiots we see in any given time, it is nice to occasionally have someone on the boards who understands the basics of forming a sentence.

Second of all, as blatantly obvious as it is, you both need to realize that neither of you are experienced whatsoever in the field of relationships. Neither of you have experienced life or love or truly understand what it means to be with one another. This kid is still so wrapped up in blaming his past and his parents that he hasn't been able to move on in life and develop his own genuine feelings.

You are also very young and inexperienced. Something you will learn as you date and enter into relationships, is that no matter how great you think someone is, chances are they have issues. No matter how great and wonderful you think that average Joe is, chances are he is going to have problems, and the relationship isn't going to be perfect.

The real test of a relationship is whether or not the two of you are compatible and can stand to be with each other longer than a couple of months. You might think you are in love, but if after 3-12 months you realize you can't stand this person's problems, it is time to move on.

Which is what you did.

You need to wean yourself off of this guy and start looking for other guys out there. Stay friends with him if you wish, but true happiness is NEVER going to be with this guy. He is emotionally scarred, and until he finally grows up a little and experiences life, he will always wine and mope about how he "can't love anyone", which is essentially a cop out for not wanting to commit.

You seem like a smart girl, so I don't think I need to point this out but I will - This isn't the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Get out there and move on from him. The more you obsess and hang out with him and think about the relationship that "might have been" the harder it is going to be for you to progress into the next one.



It doesn't matter. You are wasting your time trying to "help" someone that doesn't want to be helped. You have given him more than enough opportunity to be with you, and now it is time for you to progress.

Otherwise, plan for heartache and loneliness, as well as wasting away in a relationship that would be doomed anyhow with a guy who needs therapy.

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i wholeheartedly concur.

Oh my god! Who knew the way to Cybog's compassionate side was through a properly formatted sentence?

Anyway, I also agree with Cybog.

Yeah! I'm also jumpin on the Cy bandwagon - very nice post and very true.

Clandestine, darlin I know you were hopin you'd hear of how it IS possible your relationship can be saved, and maybe hear of some people who have gone through similar things and came out on top - but Cybog is right. If you truly were the best thing that happened to this guy, and the only person his entire life that has treated him like a "real person" he wouldn't be clownin you right now. He'd be fighting and clawing and doing everything in his power to keep you.

You DO sound like a great girl - and one thing I know is great girls don't stay single long, so keep that chin up.

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Originally Posted by vashti

Oh my god! Who knew the way to Cybog's compassionate side was through a properly formatted sentence?

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well, he has been going on about grammar and spelling mistakes a lot. sometimes he sounds like he's on some kind of "save the english language" mission.

aw come on you guys leave cybog alone. he really is one of the nicest e-people i know.

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Originally Posted by alice

well, he has been going on about grammar and spelling mistakes a lot. sometimes he sounds like he's on some kind of "save the english language" mission.

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i forgot to add:

(not that there's anything wrong with it)

You guys don't actually believe that was Cyborg do you? I bet it was loveadmin trying to make his Mod look better.

well i wonder if loveadmin could do that with you, tavs. lol jk.

Clandestine, you sound like a sweet and caring person. You sound like a great girlfriend. In fact, unless you have two heads, you shouldn't have too much trouble finding someone who might come a little closer to deserving you. You won't meet him while you're mooning over Mr. Fortress.

There are three and a half billion men in the world. Move on.

uggh, I can't stand when people misuse the term "bi-polar." It does not mean you go from calm one minute to angry. It does not mean that you act crazy. Bi-polar is a psychological disorder characterized by episodes of severe mania and depression. Anyone who has the disorder will tell you it is extremely life debilitating without proper medication. These days, people use bi-polar loosely like it's the cool thing to have.

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Originally Posted by NeoSeminole

uggh, I can't stand when people misuse the term "bi-polar." It does not mean you go from calm one minute to angry. It does not mean that you act crazy. Bi-polar is a psychological disorder characterized by episodes of severe mania and depression. Anyone who has the disorder will tell you it is extremely life debilitating without proper medication. These days, people use bi-polar loosely like it's the cool thing to have.

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Yeah... I agree. That was one of the reasons the guy I liked last year said he couldn't be in a relationship. He would disappear for months at a time and never talk to anyone. It changed his entire life. Someone told me afterwards "Oh, it's good you spared yourself from that - you don't want to date someone who's bipolar." That may be good advice for me, but for that person it would be devastating.

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Originally Posted by Cybog

You are also very young and inexperienced. Something you will learn as you date and enter into relationships, is that no matter how great you think someone is, chances are they have issues. No matter how great and wonderful you think that average Joe is, chances are he is going to have problems, and the relationship isn't going to be perfect.

Otherwise, plan for heartache and loneliness, as well as wasting away in a relationship that would be doomed anyhow with a guy who needs therapy.

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QFT (quoted for the truth)
I gotta say that holds so true. Everyone's got issues, some just hide it better than others... My ex... I could write a book, then again when we were together I was oblivious of course.