Tues. AM Jokes

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.


The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!" The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

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A magician gets his first job on a cruise ship. The very first night of his gig, he sees the captain sitting in the front row with a parrot on his shoulder. The captain applauded and the parrot nodded with approval with the rest of the crowd at the shows end.He feels great and is pleased to see them sitting in the same seats for the second and third night..same results...good show. However, by the forth night, the parrot starts to heckle the magician..."RAHH, it's under his hat!"..."RAHH, it's up his sleeve!".."RAHH, his assistant has it!". "RAHH!!"

..Just then the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. As luck would have it, the magician and the parrot get stuck on the same piece of driftwood. They're now floating about the ocean for days angrily glaring down the single board at each other not saying a word.

Finally the parrot breaks the ice a says, 'Ok, I give...where's the boat?'

lol... ish

I liked them.

I think it's cos I heard the last one already... but it involved people in the last room standing in poo... but then they have to do a handstand after their coffee breaK.

:stache:

what do all battered women have in common?
they all don't listen!

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice!

What do you call homes for battered women?
Homes for women who don't listen.

Andrew's jokes suck, and is that dopey on his avatar?

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Originally Posted by shh!

Andrew's jokes suck

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I agree with this post.

**** you guys

lol.. I think that was his 5th and final post...

*Waiting to be made wrong*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AndrewVasile

**** you guys

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Ooh, he's sharp-witted, too. :D

I know right... I've been sitting here for the last hour tryin to think of somethin equally witty to come back with.. but I just can't compete...

:sad2:

A man is riding through the desert on his camel, all exhausted and dehydrated. He realises death's release is near, and decides that before he goes he really wants to get laid a last time. So he looks around, gets off the camel and behind the beast, lowers his pants and tries to put it in. But everytime he tries the camel takes a step forward. Cursing his moral degradation, he gets back on the camel and rides on. But after half an hour, his needs overwhelm him and he gets behind the animal to give it another shot. Again the camel doesn't give in and takes a step forward everytime the man tries to get jiggy. In despair the man pulls up his breaches and continues his journey.

All of a sudden he sees a faint shimmer in the distance, which turns out to be a beautiful patch of fertile land. Besides a tree sits a half naked women, who stands up at the sight of him.

"I've been waiting for you stranger. I'm here to do averything and anything you desire."

" Thank god. I've been trying to bone this camel for the last couple of hours, but everytime it takes a step forward. If you could be so kind to hold the camel while I try to get it in......"

This joke is lame lol but it raised a chuckle "Your mum's like Vegas give her a Quater and the slots all yours" Hehe.

I aim to make you chuckle

Mission accomplished :P

Haha I actually meant my joke raised a chuckle, but yours was good too! ;)

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Originally Posted by Converse

Haha I actually meant my joke raised a chuckle, but yours was good too! ;)

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Just not your day/year, huh Dutchy :D

hahaha lol, need to get my eyes checked :P

I liked these jokes. They are funny!