Help me get my game on...

I'm a 19 year old guy from Australia who is looking for a long term relationship. I'm also finding it really difficult.

Lemme explain. I am around 6'2, 90kg, reasonably built (not tank, but certainly not a runt). Most people would say I'm reasonably good looking, although not movie star looks. However I appreciate that looks isn't everything.

I have a wide social network, I have heaps of male and female friends and I'm constantly going out and having fun. I've never had any trouble making friends; I'm a respectful guy, tho certainly no brownnoser. I'm a Dental student, and I also play in a band, do kung fu as a sport, as well as work out at the gym.

I often have women who I meet express interest in me, or I interpret to be interest anyway. However after 1-2 weeks I find that they lose interest pretty quickly. I don't think I act differently around them, I don't think I act wierd, I just have general conversations with them. I've tried many things, I've tried showing my interest through flirting (definately didn't work) etc.

Now my question is does anyone have any idea what I am doing wrong from what I have written? Like I said, most people would not say i'm ugly, I'm a social guy, I'm my own person and I certainly are not a suck up (quite the opposite, maybe a touch argumentative at times?). I went to an all boys school, I blame that for my social retardation in this area lol.

Anyway any help would be appreciated. By the way I'm not in the habit of asking these sorts of questions and obviously making myself vunerable to getting paid out. So although tough love is welcome, please don't use this as an opportunity to flame.

Cheers,
Justin

Well, it's hard to analyze exactly what YOU are doing that is different than everyone else. These boards are full of people who are "decent and normal" guys who have absolutely zero luck with the ladies. The only way any of us can analyze why WE think that you might not be doing any good is dependant on how much information you give us regarding specifics.

How many girlfriends have you had?

How did those relationships go?

How do you approach women?

Do you try to be "friends first" or do you go in for the kill?

Would you consider yourself to be "too nice"?

How often do you approach women and flat out ask them on a date? Their number?

In order to tell you where you need adjusting, we need a clearer picture of your social life and how you handle yourself in these situations. Otherwise, you are free to sift through the other 5,000 posts in regards to telling people what they should or shouldn't do on a date.

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Originally Posted by justin86

I'm a 19 year old guy from Australia who is looking for a long term relationship. I'm also finding it really difficult.

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it's probably written in your face that you are and that's what scares the girls away after a few dates.

"How many girlfriends have you had?"
Like 3. They were all during high school (13-17 yrs old for us in Australia). They didn't go well, at all. Like I said, I think going to an all boys school definately slowed my development with opposite sex.

Although it sounds sad, I haven't even dated since I reached uni. I didn't date in 1st year because I wanted to make sure I did well without distractions. But 2nd year and this one I have been open to a relationship, but yeah nothing has happened.


How do you approach women?
To be honest I just try to talk to them as I would meeting anyone. I am very casual, I try to take an interest in them rather than ranting about myself. I probably feel inhibited asking them to do stuff because I always feel like I'll look like i'm obviously crakcing onto them.

A couple of times I thought that was stupid and asked them if they wanted to do something with me and some friends, but they looked wierded out and make some excuse, so I must give off those signals.


Do you try to be "friends first" or do you go in for the kill?
Well thats the problem. If I try to move in 'for the kill', I just look like a dick I think. Because the girls often try not to talk to me again (lol). So I usually am just friendly now.


Would you consider yourself to be "too nice"?
I don't think so. I have quite a strong personality, and it definately comes across. By that I don't mean I'm a pain to be around, I have a good social network and everything. But although I am not disrespectful of other people's beliefs,values etc., I don't bend over backwards to try to impress people.


How often do you approach women and flat out ask them on a date? Their number?
Like Never. Everytime I have done it I've got a no and looked like a dick. I don't know wat I do, I'm not ugly, and I am pretty casual about it. But I obviously must do something pretty wierd.


it's probably written in your face that you are and that's what scares the girls away after a few dates.
Definately possible. I have a face that tells everything I'm thinking unfortunately. Sometimes I'll just think of something I found funny and instantly everyone realises and asks me whats on my mind.

But hey how can I change that? It's kind of a catch 22. I don't think I'm desperate for a gf. I just would like one though.

i will have a clear picture of the situation if you show me a clear picture, please.

If women are not resisting talking to you straight away, I think to some extent this may just be a "numbers game". The vast majority of females you meet will not be compatible, and this period of your life is for weeding through them all. Three girlfriends in high school and single at 19 sounds very typical to me.

I am interested in knowing more about your "strong personality". While it is true that most women like men who are assertive, that quality can be taken too far and it becomes alienating and/or arrogant. It is possible you have crossed the line.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by justin86

How often do you approach women and flat out ask them on a date? Their number?
Like Never. Everytime I have done it I've got a no and looked like a dick. I don't know wat I do, I'm not ugly, and I am pretty casual about it. But I obviously must do something pretty wierd.

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This is probably your problem. You need to chalk these rejections up as just part of the game and move on. You're not gonna win them all, it'd be too easy.

I think your problem is you're too nice, and not aggressive enough. Now - this doesn't mean you have to stop being a nice guy, just tone it down a bit.

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and go after what you want, the only way we get what we want in life is by going for it, unless you want to sit around and wait for luck/fate to drop a girl on your lap. But fair warning, you could be sitting all alone for quite some time.

Good luck, keep us updated please.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by justin86

I often have women who I meet express interest in me, or I interpret to be interest anyway. However after 1-2 weeks I find that they lose interest pretty quickly. I don't think I act differently around them, I don't think I act wierd, I just have general conversations with them.

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See? You're just not aggressive enough. They're showing interest, givin you the green light to make a move, and you still talkin about what Susie did on American Idol last night.

cheers everyone this has been helpful...

I just have 1 more question though. A few people mentioned taking a more aggressive approach rather than just talking about the usual things.

My question is how would I implement that? Right now I have a mental picture of asking them if they wanted to go grab a bite to eat or something, but I personally think that would be coming on pretty strong after just meeting the girl.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

how about a number first or a dance? i would go for food if you didnt seem like a creepy guy going to kidnap me...

and good luck!

I had this same type of problem until I realized the reason why I was getting nowhere was because I was being too friendly and not showing enough interest. I would always try to be the nicest guy they'd met and while that did keep them around as friends, I always ended up having to listen to their stories and help them with their problems and before I knew it, I had to listen about their interest in some other guy.

I learned to be assertive. Watch your tone when you say these things and say them in a friendly voice, but change the way you say things. For example instead of "can I have you number?" try "by the way, what's your number?" And instead of "would you like to get something to eat?" try something along the lines of "I'm thinking of getting something to eat, I'd love for you to join me." Once I got that down, things turned around for me.

Now, finding a girl that wasn't completely obnoxious after a couple weeks was/is a completely different story.

just a quick update

i tried to implement some of this stuff today. There is a new girl around campus which i've been really interested in, so I decided to be a bit more aggressive and I had a long conversation with her.

Her friends were around and they invited me to go out and grab some food with them, which I accepted. I spent most of the time speaking to her friends cuz i didn't want to smother her, plus she seemed very comfortable just talking to her friends as well.

At the time I felt that she wasn't really reciprocating that much interest, but then again thinking about it now i dont know. She could just be being nice to me cuz I've been helping her out by giving her notes from previous years etc.

Anyway although its not perfect, this is definately a great improvement for 24 hours. So thanks for all your advice...I'll keep you updating if any progress happens.

Any other advice is welcome.

Justin

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Originally Posted by Banich86

Now, finding a girl that wasn't completely obnoxious after a couple weeks was/is a completely different story.

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LOL! For real! Or finding the ones who aren't already married/in a relationship is another challenge!

But yeah, it's kind of hard to explain "how" to implement being more aggressive.. you just have to be able to recognize opportunities to say flirty things I guess.. maybe it's something you either have or don't have.. but I feel as if it's like someone askin how to be funny. You either are or aren't!

BUT - what I can tell you is to be sure to keep your witts ready and be able to recognize opportunities to show you are interested, subtly at first. Put yourself out there, don't focus on yourself, focus on her. Smile whenyoutalk, make deep eye contact with her.. find little excuses to touch her armwhile talkin, etc.. you have to show you are interested, without going over the top.. pique her interest, make her want to be around you more, make her want to learn more about you, etc.

Just step it up..ifyou sit aroundand do nothing but talk about what Bobbysaid on Real World last night you'restanding still in thefriend/acquaintance zone. Youneed to take it to that next leveland heat things up.

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Originally Posted by misombra

i will have a clear picture of the situation if you show me a clear picture, please.

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Pig! Men are human beings and should be treated as such!:french:

Have to agree with alice. Glad things are looking up for you.

Hi Justin86.

I have your problem. If I be myself I end up the nice guy who she just wants to be friends with. If I try and be more take charge it just looks fake because it's not me. Either way it just doesn't happen.

Like you I've had girlfriends, I've even been married. But it wasn't by design, none of it.

I suppose you could study how to attract the opposite sex. I think for those of us who lack natural attraction skills we make up for it with a bit of psychology. But I'm not one for games and I don't like being played neither.

Personally, I'm at my happiest when a girl comes on to me. I think that a girl can easily figure that out about you so if they want you they will come. If you are not a natural at being more assertive like a traditional man they will suss that out and it will be a turn off for them unless they have a strong sex drive and grab you anyway.

Just don't force it and try and find the natural talent in you.

Fake it 'til you feel it.

Justin86, I wish I could see 15 seconds of video of that conversation with the girl the other day.

Here's an idea: maybe they are actually interested, but you don't know how to play the game. (Sorry, but as much as people don't like games, it comes down to that quite often.)

When you say they lose interest after a couple of weeks, are you saying you can't get them into bed?

Maybe you need some instruction. Put a personals ad in the paper in the 'variations' section, asking for a teacher. Be gender specific. I know it sounds like I'm being a smartass, but I'm serious.

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Originally Posted by Lloyd95

Pig! Men are human beings and should be treated as such!:french:

Have to agree with alice. Glad things are looking up for you.

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yeah? YEAH??? well i would like to see a picture of these so called "man human beings"...

nah, you couldn't stomach the glory of one ;)

yeah probably not, ::blaaaagh::

ok so update after a few weeks

I have been 'aggressively' chasing a women, but I am getting mixed signals. Basically there are some times where she'll make the effort to come hang out with me, and also times we'll get in a conversation and she doesn't want me to leave. I'm not being thrown in the friend category either.

Then there are times she appears to delibrately avoid me.

This is completely screwing with my mind. The worst thing is she seems quite innocent about it all, like I dont think she is planning to screw me around for her entertainment or something.

Does anyone have any thought on what I should do? Again tough love is welcome, and if you need any more information just ask.

Cheers,
Justin


PS. She seems to be being a lot nicer when i help her out with notes for uni and stuff. I may be being a bit cynical, but its possible she is just being nice to get me to help her. Then when she has no use for me, she doesn't want to hang. However I only thought of this when analysing this, and I would hope I would 'pick up the vibes' if this were true, which i haven't. Anyway just to give u all a complete picture...

could you be more specific about this "aggressively" chasing a woman?

ummm just putting myself out there a bit more and showing some interest, rather than just talking to her like i would anyone else...

i know the term sounds wierd...its just Tone used it earlier on and this is a follow on...

all i have really done differently is make an effort to talk to her rather than just waiting for a random opportunity, having a reasonably long convo, taking an interest in her, going out with her and her friends occasionally...that sort of stuff

Come on guy... you say you're being more aggressive with it but you're lettin somethin like this slow you down?? You want to be sure she knows that when you're interested in something - you're not going to give up easily.

Don't let the times she appears to be deliberately avoiding you hinder your progress.

I *think* that maybe when some girls do this it could be because she wants to get a feel for exactly where you stand. Exactly how interested in her are you. If you just lookin for some ass you probably would give up easy to move onto someone easier, but if you really interested in her you will/should be persistant. Again, not to the point of being an annoyance... but you want to get your message across.

I don't think this is anything to slow you down, if she seems like she's deliberately avoiding you (explain how) then you should deliberately get her attention.